"Most of you have been where I am tonight. The crash site of unrequited love. You ask yourself, 'How did I get here? What was it about? Was it her smile? Was it the was she crossed her legs, the turn of her ankle, the poignant vulnerability of her slender wrists? What are these elusive and ephemeral things that ignite passion in the human heart? That's an age-old question. It's perfect food for thought on a bright midsummer's night." - Martin Sage and Sybil Adelman
. . .
Ugh, what the hell was I thinking yesterday? I thought from the back seat of the doctor's car, sketching in one of my drawing pads. I can't believe that I agreed to go to his house. Too late now, I guess.
"You're drawing again Hii-kun?" The blond German asked excitedly on my left, while his punky-calm friend was on my right, staring at my sketchpad also. It irked me that the blond used a nickname, probably because that was what Tohru called me, but I was dreading the trip even more because of it.
"Is that a fairy?" The punk kid asked, with an almost blank expression like usual. "I know you don't have any luck with women, but still, to draw a fantasy woman? Kinda desperate, don't you think?" He was being slightly sarcastic, but without a sneer on his face. I decided to just not comment even though I did want to argue back.
The 'fairy,' as he put it, was for Tohru (I looked at the photograph and wrote her name on the corner of the paper), as a sort of 'glad to see you are okay' gift. A simple black and white graphite sketch that I wouldn't be deeply attached to. There wouldn't be any fine details in it, more like vague shadowy lines, like when you look at a person through a few feet of mist. Besides, I didn't know what Tohru liked.
It's kind of like the situation at home. Ever since yesterday, Akito, who was currently seated in the front passenger seat, hadn't exactly been herself. It was as if she was there, but only a shadow. She was deep in her thoughts after her argument with that guy, and she seemed to be rather pale today, even though it was warm. I only remember bits of the argument, mainly when she called me a lowly artist who only cared for my paintings, which still hurt, but it wasn't my sole concern at the moment. I just wanted this field trip over with so I could get home faster.
Geez, am I really that uncaring? I thought, sketching half-mindedly. Unfortunately, what she said was still tugging at me. If I really only cared for my profession, then I wouldn't be feeling this, and I would have forgotten Umeko by now, right? Then what she said about me is wrong, and I shouldn't care, but since I do, what the hell does it mean? I normally wouldn't really think this much if someone else said something.
I quickly wrote, "Glad to see you again," vertically on the edge of the paper as we pulled up to the house. The first thing that ran through my mind as I looked at the two story Japanese-styled home was that it definitely wasn't going to be fun in there. It looked peaceful enough, but my instinct from past experiences told me that it was just a cover. Perfect colorful shells for something absolutely deadly, like the cone snail. I took a mental picture with the few seconds I had of it since I could possibly use it as a 'haunted house' theme for a future ink drawing.
I had another nightmare. It was different from the ones I had been getting after the fire. I was at the Sohma estate at night. No lights were on, and only the moon helped me see shapes. I was just wandering around, trying to find someone, hoping I wasn't alone. There were footsteps around corners, as if someone was watching me, and then running away when I got close. I hurried to catch the person, and caught them closing one of the sliding doors. It was Kureno's room. I was afraid to go in there, but maybe I would see him again and apologize. Maybe he would hug me, and comfort me again, and tell me that I wasn't alone, but I wouldn't ever make him stay with me again. I just needed to apologize to him one more time.
I opened the door slowly and got in, not recognizing the room at all. It wasn't a room anywhere in the Sohma main house. The room was one of Hitsoku's extra guest rooms, except it was decorated for a child. A small bed tucked in the corner, a desk on the other side by a closet, dressers under the window and a bookshelf by the bed. There were a few drawings and watercolor paintings taped to the walls. They showed me that the child, whoever it was, was sad. The closet door opened a little, and when I turned to look, it snapped shut.
"Hello?"
"Why are you here?" It was Hitsoku's voice!
I yanked open the closet to see a little boy sitting against the far wall, holding his knees, wide-eyed and scared of me. They reminded me of Yuki's when I purposefully terrified him. After a few moments, I realized he was still Hitsoku, just smaller, and younger. I could imagine, and dream this because I had seen his picture.
"Who are you?" His voice changed to a small boy's. It was crackly because he was frightened of me.
"My name is Sohma Akito. I'm sorry for scaring you." It was like I was being forced to play along. I didn't have control over what I was saying or doing. "I don't really know where I am, and I'm scared of being alone."
Hitsoku seemed to calm down, but he still looked sad. "Are you here to go to the black room?"
"What's the black room?"
He launched himself and hugged my middle and started to cry hysterically. "Please don't leave me! I don't want to be alone!" They were the words I had forced on Kureno the day his curse had lifted, only now they were forced on me by Hitsoku.
That was when I woke up. It wasn't the worst dream I had, but it still didn't make me feel too good. I was just thankful that Ren wasn't in it this time, holding a lit match to my face and burning everything. Sleep didn't come to me after that.
Akito wobbled a bit when she got out of the car and held her head before straightening up and sighing. Maybe she had been too stressed out and fell ill with a cold. Before I got to ask if she was okay, because colds shouldn't be underestimated, Tohru came out in her casual clothes and greeted us excitedly.
"I didn't know you were all coming over!" Her face turned that into a worried expression with a modest blush powdered on her cheeks and her fingers to her lips. "I would have gone shopping earlier if I knew. I didn't even prepare some tea." She went on rambling about snacks, or if she was told and she just forgot, or how irresponsible it was.
She really needs to stop worrying about useless things,I thought as I sighed. She was still the same after all the years. "It's fine Tohru-chan. So that guy didn't tell you we were coming?"
She didn't know who I was talking about and so was confused on who 'that guy' was.
I should have seen that one coming. "Er, never mind. You said you needed to go shopping? I'll come with you." I was trying to change the subject.
"Aw. We just got here and you're already taking Tohru away?" The blond whined childishly.
"Yes," I said bluntly. He had annoyed me so much in the car that I didn't want to stick around any longer than I had to. In addition, I really did want to talk to Tohru. Alone. "We'll only be gone for an hour at most. It won't take long." I took her hand, and proceeded to drag her away, with her uttering her apologies, saying that she would be back soon. When we were far enough away, I was felt like I was finally able to breathe.
There was a moment of an awkward silence before she said, "So Hii-kun, how have you been? We haven't really seen each other for a long time." A nice light layer of a blush spread across her face. "Your hair has really grown since then, are you going to cut it?"
A small smile molded itself on my lips. "Are you saying that I don't look good with long hair?" I teased. It was always easy to tease her, and it felt nostalgic to do so. I couldn't resist.
Her eyes started to swirl, and her blush darkened as she panicked, exclaiming, "Oh no, no, no, no! T-that's not what I meant at all! It's just that I'm so used to you having short hair. It's going to take some getting used to, that's all." Same old Tohru-chan.
"I was just teasing, Tohru-chan. It's alright." I have missed these kinds of moments. "Are you okay? I heard that you had quite a tumble a while ago. Had I heard about it, I would have gone to visit."
She laughed it off, saying, "Oh, yeah, but I'm alright now," and lightly touching the back of her head. The conversation went smoothly after that. We touched bases on several things, letting her know that my seizures weren't too serious most of the time and the whereabouts of Kyoko-sama's grave. I hadn't visited her because my parents refused to tell me where or when the funeral was, and I was forbidden to ask any relatives, so now that I knew, I would be able to visit later. She smiled wider when I gave her the drawing at the grocery store, and complimented with a simple, "It's gorgeous," but I could feel the sincerity in her tone. So far, I was glad I came along, but, when we got back to the house, it was a completely different matter.
In front of the house, the punk-kid was fighting with the orange-haired kid, while the German and the grey-haired kids were watching. Both were rooting against the orange-head, which was a color similar to Kyoko-sama's. Tohru looked worried, but the spectators eased her and both of us went inside, ignoring the other two. They were getting loud, calling each other idiots. It was strange, but not what I was worried about.
When we got to the front door, I felt shivers of intimidation, mainly because this wasn't my home, and no where near my studio, but also because it was his house. For all I knew, he could have set up traps to release poison gas right in front of me. He seemed devious enough, but when I thought about it, he seemed too unmotivated to actually build that kind of contraption specifically for me. I met my goal of talking to Tohru, so I wanted to go back home, but I had agreed to 'visit,' and the only way home was to have the doctor drive me back.
Tohru didn't allow for me to hesitate, so I had to go in, and besides, I was holding the groceries so I did have to go. After slipping out of our shoes, she showed me to the kitchen to drop off the bags, seeing a sly smirk and hearing a snigger from the guardian of the fortress on the way. It was getting annoying fast. While I helped her empty out the bags, I got out the cold medicine I had bought separately, and had to ask Tohru for a favor.
During our outing, I had thought of Akito's cold, along with what she had said yesterday. It was good that she thought that I wasn't interested, because I did not want to have a relationship with anyone in the first place, but I really was worried. After all, Katsuya-sama had died with a harmless cold, and it had changed my, and my aunt and cousin's life. So many things would have been different if he had lived, so I was worried what would happen if she had somehow gotten worse. Would her family suffer the same way? And despite having ill-feelings towards the guy whom is attached to her, I would feel a bit sorry for him.
When I came out, I greeted everyone and sat down at the table, while Tohru called her to the kitchen to pick out which tea she wanted, and how she liked it. It was just an excuse so she could give the dark haired one the medicine in private, and hopefully Tohru would keep quiet about me buying it for her. I just didn't want anyone especially that man to know.
I was glad Tohru called me to the kitchen. Shigure had been asking why I didn't look well. If I told him about the dream we would have just gotten into another argument. Hitsoku already heard part of it yesterday, and I didn't want him to hear any more of it. Because Hatori was with them, Hitsoku should be safe from Shigure's prying.
"Anything's fine Tohru," I said before she asked anything.
"Actually, it wasn't because of the tea." She smiled in her cheerful way. "Hii-kun noticed you didn't look too well and wanted you to take this." She grabbed a new box of medicine out of one of the paper bags and handed it to me along with the cup of hot tea. "Is everything alright at Hii-kun's place?"
I was touched at Hitsoku's gesture, even after what he had heard. Did he just forget? I took a couple of pills and sipped the tea. "What kind of man is Hitsoku?" The question just came out. Even if I did want it answered, what kind of answer would I want?
Tohru didn't understand the question either-it was visible on her face-but she answered to the best of her ability. She had her soft and gentle smile, like she was caring for a baby chick in her hands. "Hii-kun just cares for people, even if he seems distant. He just doesn't know how to show it more openly. Hii-kun cares a lot about you, Akito-san, I can see it." The answer seemed to hit a spot inside my body.
I looked around the house discretely, and noticed its old scars. Dowels were broken, doors were repaired with cheap materials, walls were cracked, and even the ceiling looked like it needed a bit of repair somehow. It was almost unnerving to be sitting inside. He may as well put up a picket sign saying, "Please destroy me!" I thought.
The light chat was actually not half bad, until the doctor decided to take his smoking outside. That's when the guy in the yukata started to show his real colors. "Did you enjoy your walk with Tohru-kun?" He asked in an expecting tone. He had a devilish grin and a malignant glimmer in his eyes.
"Yes, I did." I decided to play along, hoping he wouldn't bring up any uncomfortable subjects, but it was rejected.
"Why don't you see Tohru anymore?" I could hear his arrogance oozing out with every word. "For someone whom she claims that you care for her, you're not doing much to show that you deserve such praise."
I had nothing to say. He didn't know me or how we grew up, so he didn't have a right to say something like that, but I wouldn't raise my voice to object. Let him think what he wanted, let everyone think what they wanted.
After a minute of silence between us, he chuckled. "I think I finally figured it out."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Figured what out?" I asked warily.
"Why your girlfriend left." He took a sip of his coffee, purposely letting the sudden pause get to me. Of course he had to go there. "She wasn't satisfied with you because you wouldn't hold on to her."
"Excuse me?" I was insulted, but overall confused.
"She didn't feel that you wanted her around, that she was just there right next to you as a prop. Just there so you could call her yours, but without the benefits. When you started convulsing, she merely found the door out."
As he was saying these things, I looked back into our relationship. What he was saying was completely wrong, and the fact that he was saying these things was pissing me off. "That isn't true," I uttered, keeping my voice low, and trying to sound threatening. "I loved her very much. I never treated her as a 'prop.'"
"Then why did she leave?" He taunted.
I hesitated. I had been trying to answer that question for years, and I still couldn't come up with an answer. "I don't know."
The girls came out just in time to here the man across from me ask, "Do you think if you could have made your girlfriend happy that she would have stayed?"
That was it, I had enough. I stood up and was going to get out, but after a large crash, I found myself looking up at the ceiling with my upper body on top of the table, and my arm was hurting wall, with something heavier, was on top of me, so I couldn't move to check my arm. What the hell's going on? I whined in my head.
Everyone from outside came inside with shocked visages, and the doctor asked, "Is everyone alright?"
"Yeah, I'm alright," the punk kid said, from on top of the wooden wall. "That was actually kind of cool. Can I do that again?"
"Can you get off?" I asked breathlessly, and in an annoyed tone. I breathed in relief when he got off, and someone got the wall off of me immediately, but then I noticed that my left arm was pulsing. Something about it didn't feel right.
"You alright?" The doctor asked me specifically.
"I don't think so, my arm's hurting." I started to get dizzy, so I tried to reach for my pills, just in case, but my other arm was aching too much. He immediately, gently, took my arm and lightly felt along the sides of my forearm. I hissed in pain when he touched the bump that was slowly swelling.
"Yeah, your arm's broken," the doctor bluntly said.
After hearing those particular words, my cousin started to panic again, and started flipping out, jabbering about calling for an ambulance. Calming her down would take some time, and a lot of convincing.
. . .
"It's important that someone celebrate our existence. . . . People are the only mirror we have to see ourselves in. The domain of all meaning. All virtue, all evil, are contained only in people. There is none in the universe at large. Solitary confinement is a punishment in every human culture." - Lois McMaster Bujold