Hello again. Welcome to the next addition in my warped collection of grim deaths for a man hell bent on reducing the worlds teenagers into soppy, worthless piles of pale flesh. I hope you enjoy this one. Please review!

96 – Zombies!

Edward is flicking through television channels, trying to find the station Vampire Diaries is on (Ugh! I feel sick too, but I'll make it all right! Just wait and see!)but all he comes across is constant news reports.

Edward rolls his eyes and flicks through mindlessly while babbling to himself. "Lethal virus, blah, blah, blah. Thousands dead, blah, blah, blah. Highly infectious, blah, blah, blah. Something about undead, blah, blah, blah."

Edward yawns and switches the television off. His favorite thing on the TV screen (After his own putrid reflection of course) is not there. Irritated, Edward decides to go for a walk.

Outside his door he finds the postman, hugging one of his guard dogs. Edward chuckles.

It's good those two have made up. Usually their at each other's throats...

What Edward didn't notice was that the postman was at the dog's throat, tearing off a nice big chunk of hairy meat.

Edward continued on his walk and passed a trio of young girls stumbling about awkwardly. They stared at him with wide vacant eyes. It's obvious what's wrong with them...

Star-struck. I have that effect on people

One of the girls tripped and fell in the gutter. Edward walked over her, not bothering to see the ragged wounds along her back where she had been mauled by something...Or someone.

Edward continued on, oblivious to the smashed windows and ransacked buildings. He didn't even spot the bloody handprints on a window beside him. He passed a gutted fat man and assumed he was hopeless. He threw some spare change at the mutilated corpse and strolled on, whistling a tune.

On his way through town he spotted a television store by the side of the road. Several pale people were pressing their faces against the glass and moaning, presumably anxious to watch whatever was on. Edward shuffled up beside them and stared at the TV screen.

A reporter was frantically explaining a horrible pandemic. The words 'The dead rise' was written in huge bold letters and emergency warnings scrolled across the bottom of the screen.

"Impossible!" Edward gasped. He stared at the people around him, eyes wide and knees trembling. "My movie is in the discount bin!" Edward screamed, pointing to a rack of DVD's inside the store. "This is a nightmare!"

A female zombie beside Edward groaned loudly as she reached out for him.

"Grrrrrrrrrraaaaaarrrggggghhh."

Edward turned to her with a frown. "Will you shut the fuck up? God! What is wrong with you people?"

...

Several minutes of intense thinking later...

...

"AAAAAAGGGHHH!"

Edward ran home, leaving a trail of shame (Oh shit sorry, that's a typo. I meant urine.) behind him. He sprinted all the way back to his mansion home only to find he never closed the front door. He absentmindedly stormed through and slammed the door shut behind him. He dragged a table up against it and barricaded the windows.

He placed the house in a state of total lockdown. He was safe...

WRONG!

Content with his defenses. Edward stepped back to admire his work, only to bump into something soft and fleshy. He whirled around to face the postman, fresh blood and fur lining his cracked dry lips.

Edward ran into the kitchen, only to find an old man with his face buried within the stomach of a seemingly pregnant woman.

Edward threw up on the floor and leapt over it to get to the knife rack. When he had a reasonable weapon he ran over to the old man and drove the large blade through the back of his skull. The golden rule of zombie movies held true. Edward smirked.

"All right! I'll take you motherfuckers! Let's dance!" Edward charged at the approaching postman, only to slip in the puddle of vomit and fall on his arse. He freaked out more about messing up his clothes, rather than the reanimated corpse trying to eat him.

The postman grabbed his legs and bared his yellow teeth. Edward kicked and screamed like a four year old having a tantrum. When toddler tactics failed he used action movie moves and hurled the kife. That failed since the knife spun in mid air so that the handle hit the zombie rather than the blade.

Edward cursed and reached out for a stool beside him. He tried to lift it but it was too heavy so he resorted to plan E...

He made a noise so awful it made the ghouls eyes bleed and his flesh to wither. It cried out in agony as it's brain was damagged beyond repair and it died in excruciating pain.

Edward pulled himself to his feet and stared at the dead ghoul. "Thanks Justin Beiber." He murmured. As he ran up to his room he noticed more zombies. He cursed and ducked into his bedroom to change out of his vomit-soaked clothes.

The zombies bashed their fists on the door and moaned and groaned.

Edward struggled to put on his socks. "Shut up! Just wait a minute!" The knocking continued. "I said shut up! I'm not ready yet!" The knocking resumed still. "Don't make me sing again!" He roared.

The knocking stopped. Edward grinned. "Good."

Then he heard it. Ever so quiet, but definitely audible. It was a terrible whining noise, like a pissed drunk, tone deaf Micheal Jackson after having a sledge-hammer to the testicles. Edward felt what semblance of a mind he had beginning to rot and die. He plugged his ears with his fingers and stared at something in the corner of the room.

It looked like a dead cat, but how the hell did roadkill manage to drag itself into his bedroom? On closer inspection, it was merely the hair of a zombie Justin Beiber. Even Edward felt so repulsed he threw up again, but for two minutes straight (Think Team America, but minus the puppets.)

The embodiment of the total douchebag set it's vacant gaze on Edward and rose to it's feet.

Edward shook his head. "No...No, this is wrong! This isn't right! I can't let you live! Die!" Edward charged, taking out his knife and thrusting the large blade into the zombie's abominably hideous face. He then yanked it out, bile rather than blood spewing forth from the wound. Edward stabbed it again and again, cracking it's skull open to reveal an empty brain cavity. A tiny pea sized organ rolled about inside. Edward used his manicured fingernail to puncture it and cut it in half.

The zombie thrashed about for a while before laying still.

Edward spat on the disgusting creature that was possibly even worse when it was alive. He left the mess behind and stepped out the door, immediately squaring off against two zombies. One was a middle aged woman, the other, a middle aged man. The couple opened their jaws wide and shuffled over to him.

Edward screamed like a single mother at a David Jones sale and charged in much the same manner. He also scratched like a bitch, though instead of doing it to snatch a cheap dress she'll never fit into, it was to save his own life. (Still pitiful, but not as bad, I guess...)

The two zombies were scratched to death and Edward hopped over their corpses and headed down the corridor.

He reached the stair well and checked his surroundings. There were five zombies right behind him. Edward bolted down the stairs, only to trip and roll down awkwardly, breaking an arm and a leg in the process. Edward scrabbled to his feet and limped over to the living room, ignoring his right leg which was twisted 180 degrees so that his foot faced backwards.

The zombies followed. One tripped and brought another down with it, but being zombies falling down stairs did nothing to slow them down.

Edward crawled into the living room and picked up his DVD collection. He hurled them at the ghouls, but it was all in vain...Except for when he threw a copy of Twilight. It hit one of the zombies and made it skriek, steam rising from it's face. A hideous burn was left behind.

Edward got a brain wave and picked the DVD back up. He held it against the zombies, melting their flesh and killing them. When he disposed of them all Edward headed out to the window. He peered through the planks he nailed over the glass. All he could see was a sea of the undead, crowding around his house.

Edward checked another room and eventually concluded that he was surrounded. All he could do was wait for them to break in and fight for his worthless life.

Edward staggered over to the couch and sat down. His leg was so sore he couldn't bear to get back up again until it was time to fight.

Edward sat there for what felt like days, and checking with his mobile phone calendar he was correct. It had been two days. By nightfall, the house was still holding up, but Edward was getting the sniffles. By the next morning he had a cough and a sore throat. By the time the zombies broke through Edward was long dead, claimed not by the walking undead but by swine flu.

The moral of the story, wash your hands kids and get vaccinated. Oh, and if you're feeling dead, but still able to walk, you should see your doctor...Their flesh is tasty! Mwahahahahaha!

Well that was a journey wasn't it. We found out Edward's an idiot, a tool and that despite having similar goals of trying to destroy future generations, Edward and Justin Beiber are actually enemies. You learn something everday don't you, but frankly as long as they're both dead I'm happy.

Now keep the reviews coming. There is still numbers 97, 98, 99, 100 and the big 101 to go. It's the top five so it's gonna be big! Requests are gladly accepted and who knows, it might just get into the countdown.