Author's note: Right off the bat I'm going to apologize for such a late update. Whoever said high school is hard was absolutely right. But seriously, I've had a few days off, so I thought, "Why not update? It's not as though you have for the past few months." I felt bad then so I decided to try and write something that didn't suck. This one isn't very interesting, and doesn't really go anywhere or have any plot to it.
Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own D. Gray Man. Yet.
Secrets
There were certain things that Lavi never talked about, and Kanda hated himself a little bit for only dwelling on them until the redhead would start kissing him or make a perverted joke.
When Kanda finally found the courage to talk to Lenalee, she simply told him that the two of them were living just for the moment—and that she admired them for it. Kanda probably hated her a little bit for that last remark, because now he couldn't tell her how unhappy he was living like that for another day.
Lavi never talked about what lay under his eye patch, which probably bugged Kanda a bit more than it should have. For the longest time Kanda thought it nothing more than a battle scar, or some tragedy from childhood, but because he was too proud to actually ask Lavi why he wore the eye patch, the whole mess didn't get very far and resulted simply in Kanda storming off, leaving a confused Lavi in the dining hall will spaghetti sticking out of his mouth.
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It was the simple things Lavi never mentioned that Kanda suddenly seemed to notice. (Like some chain reaction: once you notice one, you can't help but notice them all.) For example, the future; their relationship in said future. Whenever Lavi talked about the future it always seemed a bit eerie, like he wasn't sure he was using the right words to describe what he really wanted to say:
"Of course I'm gonna clean it. Sometime."
"We should go into town and buy some new clothes. When you feel like it."
"When will you stop looking at me like that, Yuu-chan?"
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No matter how many times Lavi grinned his I-love-ya-don't-ya-know grin, or tried to persuade Kanda to let him feed the samurai soba, or tried to cuddle up next to Kanda when he thought he was sleeping, it seemed like a little piece of Kanda died with each action.
Kanda decided, standing in front of a mirror cracked in all the wrong places, that he wasn't going to fall apart if one day Lavi simply disappeared. If he one day decided he didn't want to be Lavi anymore and told himself he needed a haircut anyway. Maybe Bookman would finally get around to reminding his apprentice that he would never be a significant part of the future. Why bother trying to build a life with someone who only lived as long as his lotus flower did?
Kanda wondered if Lavi would keep his eye patch when he left.
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Finally, Kanda mustered up all his self respect, threw it out the window, and asked Tiedoll about the future. In not so many strong words…In not many words at all, actually.
The old man said that the exorcists were sort of afraid of the future. He went on to say that since the accommodators were uprooted from their homes, lives, and loved ones, they had a hard time imagining what life would be like when they weren't fighting every day; when the Earl was defeated. He said that fighting gave them something to think about, so they wouldn't have to dwell on the shadows of their past, (he then coughed and inquired as to where Allen Walker was, and Kanda nudged his Master in the shoulder—accidentally—to imply in the only way he knew how that he wanted him to continue).
Tiedoll said simply that Kanda shouldn't worry about the future. It took a moment for Kanda to remember that the old man knew about his relation ship (or lack there of) with Lavi. Just as Kanda was about to leave and drown his sorrows in soba, Tiedoll told him it was because he was still young and had the rest of his life to look forward too. But living for the moment in the course of his lifetime—"What the fuck does it matter?"