Author's Note: It's effin cold at my work. I'm wearing a turtleneck sweater and a hoodie and I'm still chattering my teeth. I would make it warmer but the thermostat is my enemy and I don't know how to use it. It's all complicated. My boss says he's hot. I say he's secretly a polar bear. He also looks like Wes Craven. If you can find a coherent thought in that whole mess, I applaud you.

Harley sat pouting with the Joker at the Iceberg. Every once in awhile she'd sigh, blow the bangs out of her face, and then poke at her food with a fork.

"Want to go to a movie?" Joker asked trying to brighten her up.

She shrugged and continued playing with her food.

"We can grab John Boy and Sage to go with."

"That's fine."

Joker worked a piece of steak out of his teeth with his tongue while he thought.

Harley sighed again.

"Are you mad at me?"

She shook her head.

"Is it Selina?"

"Kind of."

"You miss her?"

Harley sat her fork down and pushed her plate away. "I do. I understand she has a new guy and they're excited to be together but with her all wrapped up in Clark and Ivy packing for her trip, I've been girl-lonely."

"What about the other girls?"

"Holly is always working or with Eddie."

"Alice?"

Harley glared at him.

"Are you still all bent out of shape about the Tipster comment? Jesus it was ages ago and so what! The fact is Harl, she's barely out of her teens, she's dating a rogue, and she's batshit bananas. So ipso facto, she's a younger you. If you want to get technical, Sage is a younger you too. She was even a psycho-ologist!"

She crossed her arms and looked away from him.

"Don't get all pissy! Fact is, both those girls are younger than you. Fact also is, both their boyfriends are younger than me," he explained.

She still wouldn't look at him.

"I'm not saying you're old. You're not old. I'm old. Hell, I was old when I met you. If I met younger you at my age now I wouldn't be able to handle it."

Harley turned to face him again, arms still crossed over her chest.

"I'm pretty sure one of my old employees referred to me as 'old enough to be your father'," Joker sighed.

She smiled.

"I'm like Jack Nicolson dating Holly Madison."

"Why not Hugh Hefner?" she asked.

"I'm not that old yet. Geeze!"

"You're not old at all Puddin'," Harley replied getting out of her chair and sliding onto his lap. "You're just older."

"Yeah, sure," he laughed.

"I still don't like Alice."

Joker threw his arms up in the air and stared at her in disbelief.

"She wore my dress!"

"I give up!"

Selina sat on top of a large suitcase while Ivy scurried about underneath her trying to zip it.

"Stupid piece of shit!" Ivy cursed as she pulled on the little silver tab with all her might.

"It's two weeks hun, not a year. You packed less when you fled to Hawaii with the Joker," Selina teased.

"I fled to Hawaii alone. He followed," Ivy corrected.

"Either way."

"I just don't want to be caught unaware in Venice."

"I can't believe you're going to a walking kind of city in March."

"Harvey planned it, not me."

"What am I going to do for two weeks without you?" Selina whined.

"Hang out with Harley. Or you can invite Clark over for a slumber party. Do not do it on the couch, in the kitchen, or in my room. Bathroom is fair game as long as I don't know about it. Use a condom."

"Wow. Just wow. I'm going to pass on that."

"That's up to you."

She rolled her eyes. "I should hang out with Harley. I haven't seen much of her and I feel bad."

"You have a new boyfriend. It happens." Ivy gave the zipper one more good yank and the suitcase was closed. "Yes! Take that asshole!"

Selina fell backward off the luggage and onto Ivy's bed. "That was obnoxious."

"Sorry, I was excited."

"Anyway, did you disappear when you started dating Harvey?" she asked as she sat up.

Ivy thought about it. "No. See, Harvey and I started off as a slightly drunk one night stand that turned into a more or less sober fling and then that evolved into whatever it is now. We never really dated. We just were."

Selina nodded.

"And you were already with Bruce for awhile before you moved in so we missed that whole new romance step with you."

"Harley didn't disappear when she started dating Eddie."

"Harley didn't really love Eddie. And it's different when you date in the circle. You have the luxury of stepping out of the rogue gallery and meeting normal guys. It's hard to bring them to the Iceberg though."

"I wonder if Harley disappeared when she started dating the Joker," Selina mused.

Ivy's smile went sad as she folded her shirts. "I don't think she had anyone to disappear from."

Selina laughed. "Before I moved in here, I didn't have anyone either."

"You had Bruce."

"Doesn't count. He's a boyfriend not a friend friend."

"Was," Ivy corrected.

"What?"

"You said 'he is a boyfriend' but I think you meant 'he was a boyfriend'".

"Oh, yeah."

Ivy stopped folding her clothes and sat down in her vanity chair. "You look like you need to talk."

Selina smiled. "I'm fine."

"Liar."

"I might miss Bruce a little."

"What about Clark?"

"Clark is great. He's really nice, smart, good looking, and he does this weird thing where when I call, he answers the phone!" she joked.

"But…"

"I don't know. I just don't feel that spark. Maybe it's too soon for me to date."

"Maybe."

"That was a loaded maybe."

"Was it?" Ivy asked innocently.

"Spill it."

"Maybe you just need to sit down with Bruce and work things out."

"Maybe you should have lied to me just now."

"Maybe you should just marry Batman and be done with it."

"Maybe I will!"

"I'm done with the maybes."

"Me too."

They sat staring at each other for a moment. Selina blew a piece of hair out of her face while Ivy picked at her nails. Harvey walked passed the open door, noticed the silence, and leaned up against the doorframe. "Quiet," he said plainly.

The girls looked over at him and nodded.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Thinking," Selina sighed.

"I see."

Ivy nibbled at a hang nail and then her eyes lit up. "Hey babe, since we're going to be together for two weeks, mind if I spend our last night with the girls?"

Harvey shrugged. "Doesn't bother me."

"What are you thinking?" Selina asked.

"A slumber party."

"Joker and his lady love were spotted leaving the Iceberg. Still happy. Still in love. Break up already! Get into a fist fight! Something. Anyway, Dr. Crane and Sage were seen doing some grocery shopping and...you know what? You guys are boring lately! Where's the spice? Where's the action? Where's the drama? Where's…oh hello! I spy with my little eye a rogue princess. Talia Al Ghul just stepped off a private plane at Gotham Airport. Is she here to see daddy or has she decided enough time has gone by and Bruce is hers for the taking?"

"Dear God, I know we don't talk much. Ok, we don't talk at all. But please, please, let Talia just be here to see her father and then get the hell out of town. I don't need this. I've already got the Clark problem. If you do this for me, I'll renovate and donate to all the churches in Gotham. Thank you," Bruce prayed. He was kneeling on the floor on his bedroom phone sitting on his bed, opened to the Tipster text.

"I don't think it works that way, Master Bruce," Alfred said as he stepped into the room to put the laundry away.

"It can't hurt."

"God might be offended that you're bargaining with him."

"I'm sure even God gets tired of dishing out favors without getting anything in return."

"Then he wouldn't be God, he'd be the mob," Alfred pointed out.

"Maybe I should ask the mob to get rid of Talia then."

Alfred stopped hanging Bruce's suits in the closet. His hands began to shake and his mouth twitched. "Talia Al Ghul sir?"

"Yeah. The Tipster just sent out an update that Talia was seen getting off a plane here in Gotham."

Alfred hugged the suit to his chest. Sweat was beginning to form on his forehead. Bruce noticed his butler had become awfully quiet. He looked over to see what he was up to and jumped up when he realized Alfred was convulsing. "Are you alright?" Bruce asked.

"I'll be fine sir. You haven't heard from Miss Al Ghul have you?"

"No."

"Good!" Alfred snapped. "I would rather be forced to serve dinner to the Joker than have that woman anywhere near our lives."

"I didn't realize you had such a strong opinion of her."

"She's just…she's not…"

"She's not Selina?"

Alfred hung the suit up finally and sighed. "Secretly I always hoped you and Miss Kyle would get it right."

"There's nothing secret about it. You've made your opinion more than known."

"And Miss Al Ghul is so…so…"

"Pushy, stubborn, spoiled, obnoxious, whiny, needy, I could go on," Bruce replied.

"I would never speak ill of her sir."

"Oh Alfred, you can give me your honest opinion about Tal…"

"She's a bitch."

"DEFCON 2!" Dick cried snapping his phone closed.

"Taco Bell put tomatoes on your taco again?" Barbara asked.

"Don't be ridiculous. That's DEFCON 1."

"I'm scared to ask what DEFCON 2 is," she laughed. Dick opened his phone again and shoved it in her face. "Because I can read when it's in my eye." He pulled the phone back a bit and Barbara read the Tipster update. "Talia huh?"

"She's going to throw everything off and ruin my life."

"Want to explain that one?"

"Since Selina is dating Clark, Bruce is going to want some revenge action and with Talia in town he'll probably get it with her."

"I don't think Bruce is going to throw himself at Talia just to make Selina jealous."

"DEFCON 2!" he yelled.

"Yeah, ok. You spent too much time with the Wacko Squad."

Dick flopped down onto the couch and started digging through his Taco Bell bag when Tim called. "Hey."

"DEFCON 2!" Tim yelled through the phone.

"I know, I saw. What do we do?"

"You're the older one, you come up with a plan."

"We need to keep him away from her."

"That won't be easy. Five bucks says she's dialing his number right now."

"We'll just have to run interference. Steal his phone."

"Come again?"

"Steal Bruce's phone and hide it."

"Where? Alfred cleans this entire place everyday, I'm sure he'll find it."

"Bring it over here."

"Alright. Be there in an hour."

"Cool. Damn it! DEFCON 1!" Dick cried in frustration.

"It's like they blatantly ignore your no tomatoes request."

"I know!"

"Wait…I hear Bruce on the phone. I gotta go." Tim hit the end button before Dick could respond and poked his head out his bedroom door. Bruce was walking down the hallway toward the stairs with his cell phone against his ear.

"I know, we haven't seen each other in forever," he said with a smile.

"Talia," Tim groaned as he hid behind a vase.

"I miss you too. Tomorrow night is perfect. We can go out or just hang around, you know, whatever. I'll pick you up at 7 then. See you." Bruce whistled a little tune as he walked down the stairs.

Tim rushed after him and gave him a pat on the shoulder. "Hey old man, how's it going?"

"Great! Until you called me old man," Bruce replied.

"It's just an expression. So who was that?" he asked pointing at the phone.

Bruce looked at the phone and his mind raced for a lie. "Oh, just an old friend I went to school with. In town for a conference or something. We're going to have to dinner. Nothing big."

"Liar!" Tim screamed inside his head. "Cool. Hey, I'm going to have Alfred drop me by Dick's. We're going to hang out for the night."

"Alright." Tim followed Bruce into the kitchen.

"Help you with something else?" Bruce asked.

"I'm looking for Alfred."

"Oh. I think he's in the study."

Tim leaned up against the counter and nodded his head.

"Why don't you go check," Bruce nudged.

"Oh, yeah. Just going to grab a drink first." He walked over the fridge and pretended to look for a drink, keeping one eye on Bruce. Then it happened. He put the phone on the counter and turned around to look through the cupboards. Tim slammed the door shut, rushed over to the phone, pocketed it, and ran out of the room to look for Alfred.

Bruce turned just in time to see the back of him disappear down the hallway. "Strange child," he muttered.

"Alfred! Alfred! Alfred!" he yelled as he went from room to room looking for the butler.

Finally Alfred poked his head out of the living room and said, "Yes?"

"I need a ride. I need a ride now to Dick's," he blurted as he bounced up and down.

"Alright let me just…"

"No! Now! Right now!" Tim pulled on Alfred's sleeve and dragged him toward the front door.

"Can I at least get my coat?"

"You can't be here tomorrow," Harley said as she crawled onto the couch next to Joker.

"The whole day?" he whined.

"No, just tomorrow night. You gotta be out of here by 7."

"Why?"

"Selina and Ivy are coming over for a girl's night," she explained.

"Why can't I just hang out in here?"

"Because, it's girls only!"

"Where am I supposed to go?"

"Go stay at Harvey's place," she offered.

Joker winced.

"What?"

"He snores. He snores bad."

"Does not!"

"He does!"

"How come I never heard him snore?"

"You sleep like the dead! I could kick you in the face and you wouldn't wake up!"

"Why would you kick me in the face?"

"That's not the point!"

Harley stared at him. "Puddin, I'm not sure you even make points sometimes."

"Well I am now and that point is, he snores."

"I don't know what to tell you. Check into a hotel."

"I thought you loved me. I thought you cared!" he cried, fake tears and all.

"I do! I love you very much."

Joker perked up and wiped away a tear.

"But I'm still having the girls over and you're still not staying here."

He pulled out his phone and grumbled as he punched in the numbers.

"Who are you calling?"

"If I have to spend the night somewhere else, it's going to be somewhere with style."

Tim pounded on Dick's door frantically. Dick was surprised to find Tim there when he opened the door, he was sure it was going to be some innocent teenage girl being chased by a chainsaw wielding bad guy. Tim pushed past hi and flopped onto the couch.

"Please, come in. Have a seat."

"DEFCON 1, no tomatoes!" Tim panted.

"What is it with you two and this DEFCON nonsense?" Barbara asked from the kitchen table.

"It's our threat level!" Dick hollered back. "What happened?"

"We were too late. He was already talking to her when I got off the phone with you."

"Did you get his phone anyway?"

"Yeah." Tim handed him the phone. "He deleted the last call though."

"Definitely suspicious. Do you know if they made plans?"

"Yes, tomorrow, 7 o'clock."

"Where?"

"He didn't say."

"We'll have to tail him."

"So while Batman is on a date his replacements will be tailing him?" Barbara snorted.

"Crap," Tim moaned.

"We'll take turns and tail him as Nightwing and Robin. Every couple of hours we'll switch between patrol and Bruce."

"Can we all wear wigs and use funny accents too?" Barbara joked.

"Don't be silly," Dick said with all seriousness. "This is real business."

"I'm going out," Joker said as he slid on his shoes.

"Where ya goin?" Harley asked.

"The Iceberg."

"We were just there."

"Yeah, but I forgot to tell Ozzie something. It'll be real quick."

"Why don't you just call?"

"You know Oswald. If you're not in front of his face, you're not on his mind. And with Scarlet constantly dancing around him, he pays even less attention."

"When will you be back?"

"I don't know. It won't be long though."

"Want me to come?"

"You're already in your pajamas. It's not a big deal," he assured her.

"I can throw on a pair of jeans real quick."

"Really Harl, I'll be right back."

She pouted.

"Don't give me sad face. I swear, one hour and I'll be back."

"Hey Dick," Barbara called from the bedroom.

"What?" he yelled back.

"What is this?"

He rolled his eyes to Tim and got up off the couch. "Hold on!" he called to and then he said to Tim, "I love her but she drives me crazy." He walked into the bedroom. Barbara sat by the bed holding a small black bag. He grabbed it from her and unzipped it. It was filled with makeup. "Looks like your makeup bag," he replied plainly.

"It isn't mine. Mine is in my purse."

He looked at it again and then smacked himself in the forehead. "Holly must've left it."

"Go give it to her."

"I'll do it tomorrow."

"No! Now!"

"Why?"

"Because, you'll forget tomorrow and the next day and the next day and eventually it will become part of the apartment," she explained.

"Fine," he groaned turning around and heading back to the living room. He slid his shoes and grabbed a coat.

"Where are you going?" Tim asked.

"I got to return Holly's makeup bag."

"I'll go with you," Tim said excitedly shoving his shoes on.

"You need to stop with the whole Harley thing."

"What? I just want some fresh air."

"Bullshit."

Joker wandered back over to the bar and rested his head on the cool surface. "Is he still talking to her?" he asked Holly.

"Yup. Sorry J," she replied pouring another beer for him.

"Harley is going to kill me. It's already been 45 minutes and I still haven't talked to him."

"She's timing you?"

"I told her an hour tops," he explained. "So yeah, she probably is."

"Bummer."

"Why does he say it's an emergency when he's just going to make me wait for 8 years?"

"The great mystery of life," she joked.

Joker pulled his phone out to see if she had called. "A least she's not harassing me yet." He sat the phone next to him on the bar.

"Hey, Holly, this yours?" Dick asked handing over the black bag.

"My makeup bag!" she squealed. "I've been looking everywhere for this. Where was it?"

"I don't know. Barbara found it somewhere in the bedroom."

"Harley around?" Tim interjected.

"Sorry kid, she's at home," Joker answered taking a sip.

"Bad luck kid," Dick teased. "Ah crap!" His phone started to go off in his pocket. He fished it out, pulling Bruce's out first and setting it on the bar. "Hello? Hey babe. Milk? Yeah, I can pick some up. Be there in a minute." He closed the phone and slid it back into his pocket. "Alright, I got to go get milk. Let's roll kiddo."

"Dick!" Holly called after him as he and Tim walked away.

"What?"

"Your other phone!" she replied waving it in the air.

"Damn." He ran back and grabbed it from her. "Thanks."

"Why do you have two phones?" she asked.

"It's a whole ordeal. You're better off not knowing."

"I will accept that."

Dick turned around and ran out again.

"Strange kid," Joker muttered.

"Yeah," Holly agreed. She looked over at Oswald's door and saw Scarlet leaving. "He's all yours love."

Joker looked over at the office and jumped up when he saw Scarlet walking toward the bar. "See you later." He grabbed his phone and ran for the door before anyone else could get in.

"You rang?" Joker said in his best Lurch voice as he entered Oswald's office.

"Sit down and let's make this quick. I want to go home," Oswald snapped.

"Oh, you want to go home? Well, I'm sorry. It's not like I'm the one who kept YOU waiting for nearly an hour."

"Scarlet was…"

"I don't want to know. I actually want to get home too before Harley starts getting mad."

"The misses has you whipped finally?" Oswald joked.

"No!" he denied firmly. "But ever since we got back together she's developed more of a backbone and if she gets mad I don't get any."

"More than I needed to know. Let's get down to business."

"By all means."

"You owe me Joker."

"Excuse me?"

"The apartment."

"I killed that rat bastard so it would be easier for you to buy his properties and you said in exchange I got the apartment!" Joker yelled.

"I gave you the apartment but I did not give you the electric, the gas, the cable, the internet," Oswald replied adjusting his cigarette holder in his mouth.

"You little shit," Joker snorted.

"Read the fine print my boy."

"I'm not your boy."

"Either way, you owe me money."

Joker rolled his eyes and sighed. "How much?"

"Well, let's see, you've been there for a little over a month, there's four bills." Oswald started clacking away at his calculator.

Joker's phone began to beep in his pocket. "Probably Harley asking how much longer," he thought. He pinched the bridge of his nose. A headache was well on its way. "Let's get down to it. What do you want and how long will it keep me paid up?"

Oswald slid his calculator away and smiled. "Just a small job. Nothing too extravagant. There's a certain shipment coming into the docks on the 5th. Dock number 42. I don't care how you do it."

"And this will make us even for how long?"

"A year and then I'll expect another job or the money."

"Is that it or did you want to bend me over your desk and give it to me good too?" Joker snarled.

"Don't be such a baby. It's a supply and demand kind of world Joker. Either play the game or go back to your toy store."

Joker got up and headed for the door.

"Pleasure doing business with you!" Oswald called after him.

"She is the definition of needy," Dick sighed as the phone went off again.

"Barbara?" Tim asked.

"No, Talia," he answered holding up Bruce's phone.

Tim looked at the screen. "How can you tell? It's just a little heart in the name area."

"He's not going to put her name in the phone, he's being all sneaky. And who else would the heart be?"

Tim shrugged. "I don't know. What do they say?"

"I don't know. I'm driving. You read them." He handed the phone over.

He flipped the phone opened and scrolled through the texts. "I miss you. I can't wait until I see you. I love you. I want you here now. Why aren't you responding?" he read aloud.

"See! Needy!"

"This one doesn't make sense, it says, 'You said an hour!'."

"Maybe she sent it to the wrong person," Dick replied.

"Or maybe they were supposed to meet tonight too!" Tim pulled his own phone out and quickly dialed Wayne Manor.

"Hello," Alfred answered.

"Alfred, is Bruce there?"

"Yes, did you need to speak with him?"

"No, just tell him I'm going to spend the night at Dick's," he lied.

"Alright. Anything else?"

"Is he going out tonight?"

"Just to patrol I do believe," Alfred replied, confused.

"Ok, thanks." Tim hung up. "He's still there and has no plans to leave other than Batman duty. And try not to laugh at the word 'duty'."

Dick smiled and held back his giggles.

Harley tossed her phone onto the kitchen table and opened a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Where was Joker? What was taking so long? And why wasn't he answering her texts? She shoves a spoonful of Brownie Batter into her mouth and sighed.

"Daddy's home!" Joker called as he walked in.

She sat the ice cream on the counter and crossed her arms. "What took so long?"

"Oswald had Scarlet in there for an hour before I could see him," he explained.

"Why didn't you text me back then or call?"

"I just wanted to get everything done with and get home."

Harley pursed her lips.

"Don't be mad. I'm here now."

She smiled. "Alright. What did he want?"

"Oh, business. It's all very boring. You're little boyfriend stopped by."

"Tim?" she asked excitedly.

"Yeah. He was sad you weren't there."

"Awe I miss him."

Joker pulled his coat off and sat his phone on the table. "What about me?"

"Oh, I missed you too Puddin," she replied with a wink.

"I want to rev up my Harley."

She started backing away toward the bedroom, beckoning him to follow her with her finger.

Joker's phone lay open on the table. The message he thought was Harley's was up on the screen. The ID said Talia and it read "I miss you, beloved."