Chapter Fourteen: Mobile Phones Are Not For Eating
Konan sighed as she drove down the road. She was rather tired, thirsty, and in need of the bathroom, but she was worried that if she stopped it would give Pein time to catch up with her, which would be a disaster. She really did not want to experience the scene that she knew would follow once the ginger-haired manaic found her. He would drop to his knees in front of her, grovel, beg, plead, and importune her to take him back. If she refused, he would run off and return with half a year's salary in trying to buy compensation presents. Truly, it was pathetic to see a grown man begging.
To distract herself, she busied herself with messing with the radio dials, trying to find something to take her mind off of the obnoxious scene that she knew she would be waiting for her sooner or later. She found a talk radio station and decided to listen to it, The callers into the show were all discussing some new tax on shuriken that had just about everyone riled up, on both sides of the debate. Currently, "Midori" was treating everyone in the listening area to a rather obnoxious rant about how the tax was going to damn every single shinobi in Fire Country to a life of ruin. "So you see, we cannot let this tax pass! If we have to pay 200 ryo for every single shuriken we buy, that's just like handing the world over to the Akatsuki! We'll be overrun with terrorists and their supporters, and the world will fall! Do you want to live in a land ruled by S-ranked megalomaniacs?" she shrieked, her voice piercing Konan's ears. The radio show host must have thought something along the same lines as Konan, because he politely thanked Midori for her comments, then went to the next caller.
"And here we have 'Shigeru', from Konoha! Shigeru, what are your thoughts on the shuriken tax?"
"My thoughts on the shuriken tax?" a suspiciously familiar voice said. "I don't care about the shuriken tax! I can make my own shuriken, and I don't even use them that much!" Konan blinked. There was only one person she knew who made his own shuriken....
"Itachi?" she asked herself. "What's he doing calling into this show? He hates politics!" But it definitely did seem to be Itachi. Their voices were extremely similar.
"Well, if you don't care about the shuriken tax, is there something else you'd like to discuss? There are a lot of hot-button issues that our listeners would love to hear your thoughts on!" the radio host said.
"Yeah, there is one thing," the suspiciously familiar voice said. "The Akatsuki. What a bunch of idiots!"
"You think the Akatsuki are idiots?" the radio show host asked, shock radiating from his voice. "What drives you to think that?"
"Are you kidding me?" the caller said. "I have it on, uh, really good authority that the Akatsuki leader is a dumbass who can't drive a boat and completely ruined his relationship with his girlfriend! Most of his subordinates are about to mutiny, do you hear me? He's caused, er, well, I've heard he's caused millions in damage to the property of the organization, and almost accidentally killed one of his own subordinates with a bottle of weed killer! Come on, anyone that incompentent can't rule the world."
"HEY! ITACHI! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" an especially familiar voice screamed. "Shigeru" swore under his breath, but it was bleeped out for radio.
"BLEEP. Zetsu! Here! Eat the phone so it can't be traced!"
"You got it, Itachi!" There was a loud crunching sound over the radio, and then the dial tone sounded.
"Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we just listened to an internal power struggle within the Akatsuki!" the radio host announced. "Although I want to know what they were thinking, calling in to a public radio station!"
Meanwhile, a very irritated Pein lined his organization up outside of the gas station they were stopped at. Zetsu moaned, clutching at his stomach. "Ugh.... mobile phones don't agree with my digestive system," his light side complained, while his dark side added, "For fuck's sake, someone get me a goddamn antacid!"
"Technology never did agree with him," Deidara said sympathetically. "Remember when he ate that television-un?"
"Who could forget? Stupid Zetsu barfed up cables for days!" Hidan said disgustedly. Pein just glared.
"Who was it who called the radio station! And why would you do that!"
"I know Konan likes to listen to that show," Itachi muttered mutinously. "I thought she might listen to it and hear what has been going on ever since you decided to start this stupid scheme!"
"And then you did it while my back was turned! And you even gave the evidence to Zetsu so he could eat it! What were you guys thinking?"
"I'm with Itachi on this," Deidara agreed. "Pein-sama, if Konan-sama really wants to leave you, why don't you let her? Like my grandmother always said, there's plenty of other fish in the sea-un. You'll find someone else, someone even better to rule the world by your side! Someone like... me! Only, you know, a girl." Pein's eye twitched.
"I'm going to pretend that Deidara didn't just come on to me," he said.
"I didn't hit on you! I'm just saying that a girl who likes to blow things up and has an appreciation for art would make a great co-ruler of the world for you!"
"Well, it sure sounded like you were hitting on me," Pein replied, his voice acidic. "And I don't want anyone other than Konan! She was supposed to be the mother of my children! The queen to my king! The Juliet to my Romeo! The Bella to my Edward!"
"Did you let him watch Twilight again?" Kisame hissed to Hidan. "I thought I told you to block Moviemax since he doesn't need to watch any more stupid romance movies! You know how he gets!"
"Hey, the universal remote is fucking complicated," Hidan replied. Kisame just rolled his eyes.
"Anyway, that's beside the point," Pein pontificated. "And we're going to get Konan, even if it kills me!"
"Uh, Pein-sama?" Tobi said quietly. "You know how Konan is really angry with you right now?"
"Of course, how could I forget?" the ginger-haired Akatsuki leader replied.
"Well, it actually might kill you. She might kill you."
"No she won't," Pein said smugly. "She can't kill me. She loves me, deep down. She won't be able to kill me."
"I wouldn't be so sure," Kakuzu muttered under his breath. "We are criminals, after all."
Deciding she'd had enough of this stupidity, Konan decided to pull over and call Itachi's phone. Even though she already knew that he was the caller to the show, she wanted to figure out exactly what was going on that would have made him phone in. Obviously he was very irritated, considering he called into a talk radio show (Itachi always did hate talk radio- he thought it was full of right-wing nutjobs and liberal whiners). She dug around her baggage for her phone. When she found it, she flipped it open and dialed the familiar number.
I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it huu~urts. Someone was singing in the car, and it was pissing Pein off. "Goddammit, whoever's singing that needs to stop! I absolutely hate that song!"
I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it huu~urts. "I don't think it's any of us, Pein-sama," Sasori replied. "I don't think any of us are idiotic enough to sing something like that where everyone can hear." Itachi furrowed his brow.
"Uh, I had that song as my ringtone," he said, "but Zetsu ate it. How can it be ringing now?"
I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it huu~urts. "I think my stomach is singing!" Light Zetsu exclaimed in shock. "Yeah, usually it's one of us that sings, not our stomach!" Dark Zetsu added.
"My phone is ringing!" Itachi cried. Zetsu looked around panicked.
"How do I answer it?" both of his personalities asked in unison.
"I don't know, you're going to have to cough it up!" Itachi said, practically hysterical. Zetsu looked scared, of all things.
"But I don't want to!"
"COUGH IT UP!" Pein roared. "What if it's Konan?"
- - - -
Konan was about to give up. She'd tried calling three times already, but there was no answer. But on the fourth ring of the fourth try, someone picked up. "Hello?"
"Which one of you am I speaking to?" she barked by way of a greeting.
"I'm Zetsu," said the voice, which she recognised as his dark side.
"Was it Itachi that called into that show?" she asked.
"Yeah."
"Let me talk to him."
To Be Completed
Author's Comments:
The next chapter will be the last one. Thank you to everyone who's read and reviewed so far.
Actually, I would have had this up a while ago, but some things happened. I somehow managed to make it into university (I don't really know how that happened), and as an "Oh my god you're not going to plug cables in for the rest of your life" present a friend got me Plants vs. Zombies, which I've become addicted to and play all the time. It's a lot of fun, if you get the chance, check it out.
-Kaboom