Chapter 14

"God, I'm sorry; I'm so sorry!"

Rick Castle gazed up as Kate charged towards him while gripping onto the strap of the large messenger bag draped across her body. She dodged an elderly woman casually walking her poodle and skidded to a stop just in front of them, huffing out a breath and another apology. "I'm really, really sorry."

While the toddler at his side, cried out a happy, "Mommy!" the writer could only manage a weary tone as he said, "It's okay, Kate."

Really, it wasn't okay, but what choice did he have? It was all part of their new reality—a reality that he was—okay, he admitted it—loathe to accept if for no other reason than it just didn't make sense. But what choice did he have? She was insistent and wouldn't change her mind; Kate Beckett could be stubborn that way.

She had sprung it on him absolutely without warning or any prior indication that it would be happening. One week after Emily's third birthday she had approached him and said, "I'm going to be moving out in a week," and he'd nearly fallen to his knees in shock. Evidently, a classmate of hers from the academy was looking for a third roommate to help split up the rent of her So-Ho place, and Kate volunteered to take the room. For a man who made his career as a writer, Rick's next few sentences had been the antithesis of eloquent as he stammered out a response, wondering why, suddenly, after over three years, she was leaving the loft.

Kate explained that because of the requirements of a new NYPD recruit, she would be working many hours at a variety of different shifts, coming and going at all hours of the day and night depending on her workload. She feared such a schedule would be far too disruptive for Rick, Emily, and Alexis's life. Thus, it made more sense for her to be on her own—well, with others who had equally volatile schedules.

Immediately, and at several points over the next few days, Rick had tried to talk Kate out of leaving by stating that her schedule wouldn't bother them. When she insisted it would, he argued back by saying a small disrupting would be well worth having Kate remain in the loft, but her mind was made up, which meant they needed to discuss the, as she called it, "Emily situation."

She proposed that they play it by ear for a few weeks until she settled into her new position, but the general plan was that whenever Kate had a chance—at least a few times a week—she would come collect Emily from Rick's and they would spend time together. If her schedule allowed, she could even keep Emily overnight.

To say that Rick had been crushed by her plans would have been an understatement. He was first and foremost shocked, but when that shock wore off, he was downright hurt and then almost devastated. What had gone wrong? What had happened? She had never shown even the slightest interest in leaving them or breaking up their family before, even during her time in the academy. She seemed to enjoy their family as much as he did, so why was she suddenly turning her back on it?

Adding insult to injury, Rick had been gearing himself up to confess his true feelings for her. She was stressed and settling in to her new job—he understood that, and knew the time wasn't right at that particular moment. He was actually planning to broach the subject around the holidays—to use the Christmas joy and cheer to tell her that he loved her and wanted them to be together—really be together—but the moment she kissed both girls goodbye and walked out the door carrying two suitcases, Rick knew any such chance had evaporated. As much as his heart was broken, he needed to be strong for his two equally confused and upset little girls.

And so their life had been for five weeks. Kate had seen Emily on average of three times a week, which left him having to comfort the little girl who cried for her mother almost nightly. Meanwhile, his elder daughter seemed to be putting on a brave front, but he knew she was hurting, especially since she had only managed to sneak in two visits with Kate the whole month.

If anything, Kate's treatment of Alexis was what made him the angriest. She was, of course, not being intentionally cruel to the girl and they had laughed themselves into tears during one of their visits, but from the way she had acted for three years Rick thought—well, maybe that's where he had made a mistake.

From what he had seen, Kate had treated Alexis no different than Emily. She made a great effort to give them equal attention, particularly as Emily got older and became more independent. Based on these observations, he assumed Kate loved Alexis like she was her own, but she hadn't made visiting Alexis a priority, but perhaps that was unfair; they were still just a few weeks into the new schedule. Things could still change, but if they didn't he feared Alexis would be down by yet another motherly figure.

"I really didn't think booking the guy I arrested would take so long." Kate commented as she led the way into the apartment building, Rick and Emily at her heels.

"Well, at least you're trying to keep our streets safer." He commented, his tone still tired.

As a normally patient man, it was rare for Rick to be as on edge as he was then, but being forced to entertain a toddler for an additional thirty-five minutes while standing outside on a chilly street had worn his patience pretty thin. Emily only had the attention span for about two minutes of "I Spy" and had grown tired of his stories after another five. She quickly grew hungry and restless, and there wasn't much to do about it since he had not packed extra toys or snacks, thinking all he would do was drop her off.

As much as he wanted to, he could not blame Kate for her tardiness. It wasn't as though she'd lost track of time while hanging out with her friends at the mall. She was late because she was finishing her job—her noble, public-servant job—and to be mad at her for that was unfair. Granted, that was easier said than done.

"Still. I'm sorry I wasted your time." Kate informed him. Then, she led them down the hall to the first floor apartment she shared with two other female police officers. She unlocked the trio of locks and pushed her way inside. Rick dropped Emily's hand for the first time so he could squeeze in behind them while simultaneously shrugging the backpack full of Emily's things off his shoulder.

"Are Kristie and Sasha here?" he asked, referring to her roommates.

"Kristie is on shift and I don't know where Sasha is."

"Mama look," Emily said, plucking the rolled up sheet of blue construction paper from the front pocket of her backpack. She held it out to her mother, who took it with a slightly overdramatic gasp.

"Oh, Emily, did you make this for me? It's lovely. C'mon, let's go hang it up on the fridge."

As Kate led the way to the cramped nearby kitchen, Rick rocked back on his heels as he observed the space and fought the urge to wince. To call it catastrophically messy would have been a grand understatement. Only about forty percent of the floor could be seen; the rest was covered in boxes, piles of laundry (clean or dirty—he couldn't tell) and just general junk. If anything, the kitchen was worse; the counters were piled with dirty dishes and empty take-away containers. Given what the shared spaces looked like, Rick lived in fear at what horrors the bedrooms held.

Not since Emily was born had Rick felt more like he was the only adult in their co-parenting relationship than he did at that moment. Kate working many hours at a tough job and that was admirable; her roommates were doing the same. And, had it just been them, he wouldn't have said anything—god knows he'd lived in worse states during his college years—however, it was not just them. Emily deserved better, even if reminding Kate to clean up her space made him feel more like her parent than he ever wanted to be.

"Um, Kate," Rick began tentatively.

She turned around, soft smile on her face, and her eyes immediately fell towards the backpack hanging from the crook of his elbow. "Oh, sorry; let me get that."

Though he passed it over, he shook his head. "No, it's fine, um, I just wanted to see what you guys would be up to tonight? Like maybe, um," he stepped aside as Emily ran past him out into the main living area, "tidying up a bit?"

Kate rolled her eyes. "Oh, yeah, the kitchen is gross, right? It's mostly Sasha—I swear the girl has never met a trashcan. My room is clean, though, and that's where Emily and I usually hang out."

"Oh, um, sure." Hearing a noise behind him, Rick turned to see what the toddler was up to. He spotted her crouching by the side of the couch where a pile of papers lay. She picked the papers up a few at a time and plopped them down on the floor a foot away. Clearly, more of a mess could not be made in the apartment, but he still didn't want her messing too much up. "Emily, what are you doing?"

"Nothing." The girl replied, bending over at the waist to pick up more objects. Only that time she did not resurface with papers, but with the black handle of a metal object clutched between her tiny hands. Rick's reaction was immediate.

"Emily! No!"

He practically leapt from his position at the edge of the kitchen to where Emily was a few feet away in a single bound. He snatched the girl around the waist and pushed the object from her hands where it landed on the couch. There, he could see it was not a handgun as he feared, but a Taser gun—not that such an object was much better.

Due to the swift movement, Emily began to cry, but Rick's fury and fear blinded him momentarily to her sobs. He merely held her around the waist with one arm while spinning around to face Kate and spitting out, "There's a gun over here!"

The young cop's eyes widened. "What?" As she hurried over to the couch, Emily reached out for her and sobbed, "Mama," through her tears, but Kate, like Rick, was too focused on the object lying on the couch.

"Oh god—it must be Sasha's." She quickly picked up the weapon, unloaded the cartridge, and put both pistol and cartridge atop a nearby bookshelf, high out of the reach of tiny hands. She turned around and said, "Sorry Rick."

Twisting his arm so that Emily was no longer hanging by her abdomen, but facing his chest so she could lock her legs around his waist, Rick refused to accept Kate's apology. Instead he spluttered out, "It was in Emily's hand! Jesus! What else is lying around her?"

"Nothing; it's fine."

"Fine?" He spat back at her before shaking his head. "I hope you don't really believe that." Before Kate even went to her first day at the academy, she and Rick had sat down and made a plan for weapon safety in their home. Kate would, if at all possible, not bring any dangerous weapons into the apartment where they could be accessed by anyone. If such a weapon did come home with her, it would be immediately placed in a lockbox by the front door and go no further, thereby keeping everyone safe. She had been the one to come up with that plan, thus he was appalled at her lack of concern in that moment.

Huffing out a breath, Rick turned and walked back to where Emily's backpack had been discarded in the kitchen. "I'm sorry, Kate, but Emily cannot stay here tonight."

"Wha—no! No it's fine. I'll put the Taser in the lockbox with mine and Sasha can just-"

"Emily was touching that Taser, Kate. What would have happened if she'd squeezed the trigger and it went off into her foot? Into one of us?"

"But it-"

"And what if it wasn't a Taser? What if it was a real gun? What if it was pepper spray? Is there any of that lying around? Perhaps under the couch?"

"I don't-"

"Look I get it." He sighed, softening his tone at the first sign of moisture in Kate's eyes. "You're all working crazy hours and keeping things neat and tidy isn't a high priority. The mess is bad, and I could almost over look it but this? I'm sorry; Emily's safety has to take priority." Rick brushed his lips over the head of the still crying girl in his arms before bending down pick up the backpack. A moment later, he felt Kate's fingers clawing into his arm.

"No—no please! Please!" She cried out, her voice becoming more panicked and desperate as the tears spilled down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry; I'm sorry. I didn't know that was there and I—I—please! Please don't take her from me! It's been days and I—please! P-please."

"Okay, okay." Rick sighed out, dropping the bag in favor of lifting up his arm to pull Kate closer. He allowed Emily to shift over to her mother's arms and Rick put his arms around both crying females, kissing both their heads and rubbing their backs for several minutes until their sobs quieted.

"Why don't you just come home with us, Kate? I'll make dinner and you can stay and put Emily to bed." He offered softly.

Kate looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes and shook her head. "I shouldn't."

"Why not?" he asked seriously. Then, reaching out, he brushed one of her tears away with his thumb. "C'mon. Free meal—you can't turn that down, right?"

She stared at him for several more moments and then nodded. "Okay."

Slipping out of Emily's room now that the girl had finally fallen into a deep sleep, Kate leaned her head back against the wall and let out a ragged sigh. Her chest remained tight and her stomach still felt like it could flop out of her throat and onto the floor at any moment, but at least Emily was asleep and she had a relatively nice evening. The same could not be said for Kate.

Though there had been more than a few moments during which she wondered if she was being a good parent, she had never once been completely convinced she was being a bad one—until the moment Rick pulled a dangerous weapon from their three-year-old's hands. Though in the adrenaline of the moment Kate tried to brush off the event, seeing the pained and downright terrified look in Rick's eyes had been upsetting, but not as devastating as when he went to walk out the door with Emily and Kate had a moment when she feared she'd never see the little girl again because she, and she alone, had failed miserably.

As a cop, she spent her days vowing to protect and serve the citizens of New York, but how could she do that when she could not protect her own child? If Rick had not reacted as quickly as he had—hell, if he'd gone to leave instead of looking at what Emily was doing—Emily could have been gravely injured. In one moment her little girl could have been gone and she never, ever would have forgiven herself.

Hugging her arms across her body, Kate descended the stairs and found Rick hovering by the kitchen. God, Rick. How could she look him in the eye again? How could he ever trust her with their child again? Had the situations been reversed she knew she would have been furious with him, and thus expected the same treatment. She could say nothing to defend her decisions; she could only offer another apology.

"I'm sorry about today. Sorry I didn't do a better job of cleaning up the apartment, sorry for how I reacted. You were completely right not to let Emily stay with me."

"I don't want to keep her from you, Kate." He pointed out softly.

"But you have to." She deduced, fighting a wince as the pieces of her heart shattered into several fresh shards. He was right; she didn't deserve to have Emily in her life if she could not guarantee her safety. As a tear escaped her right eye, Kate slid into one of the stools at the eat-at counter. "I'm a terrible mother."

"Oh well now that's definitely not true." Rick promised as he leaned against the counter beside her.

She gazed up as tears spilled down her cheeks. "I endangered our child today; you should never let me see her again."

He huffed out a breath and sat down in the stool next to her. "Now you're just being dramatic—have you been spending time with my mother?" His attempt at humor fell flat as she did not respond. "Kate, listen I know that you would die before you ever let anything bad happened to Emily. What happened today was an accident that, yes, could have been terribly unfortunate, but wasn't. If I may: I think maybe the problem here isn't you, but the situation."

She blinked up at him. "What does that mean?"

"You're living with two women fresh out of school who don't have great concern for anyone other than themselves. What does it matter if they accidentally leave a Taser on the floor? They're not going to accidentally fire it. They're not thinking about the small child that could potentially be in their space. I think the solution here is obvious: you just need to come back home."

"Oh no," she said, pushing herself away from the stool and walking out to the hall. "No, I…I'll just come see Emily here. I'll put her to bed on the nights I'm not working and that way I can see Alexis, too. If that's okay with you, I mean."

Rick sighed and lowered his arms to his sides. "Kate you're free to come here whenever you like, but…are you sure this is what you want?"

Was this what she wanted? No. What she wanted was to go back in time and think more about her daughter than about playing nice with her roommates. What she wanted was to turn back the clock five weeks and talk to Rick about her feelings instead of running from them. What she wanted was not to be clutched with fear every time she looked at her daughter and thought about how badly she was screwing up.

"It's fine, Rick. It's for the best. We said we'd see how this new arrangement went and right now it's not working. We'll…we'll just do this for a while and see how things go."

Walking to the entryway, Kate retrieved her jacket from the hook by the door and began to shrug it on. Before she could move towards the exit, though, Rick stopped her by saying her name and asking, "Are you sure you're okay?"

"What do you mean?"

He gave a little shrug. "You just seem tired and stressed—even before the incident with Emily. Earlier this week."

She forced a smile. "Of course I'm stressed, Rick. I'm working at a new, stressful job, but, um…it'll be fine, you know."

"You know if you ever need-"

"I'm fine, Rick." She cut him off, knowing that any more kind words from him would continue the flow of tears. "I'll let you know when my next evening off is." Then, with that, she pushed her way out the door without ever looking back.