I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used, are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

"You didn't know?"

Beth looked as clueless as I felt. Why wouldn't Sodapop tell his brothers he was working at the hospital? It wasn't glamorous work, but neither was working at a service station pumping gas and fixing cars, or roofing houses, so what I was really confused about was all of the secrecy. Why would my brother feel it necessary to keep it from Pony and I?

I shook my head in reply but turned back to Ponyboy when he dropped his fork and pushed his plate away. Like me, he was worried about Soda, and along with everything that'd happened, he heard the word hospital used in the same sentence as his brother's name and automatically was convinced of the worst.

"Just take it easy, Pony. Soda's okay, he's just got himself a new job. That's all." I spoke in a calm voice as I let my fingers comb through the hair on the back of his head.

"Then why would he lie?" Pony's eyebrows furrowed as he teared up, and all I could do was shrug. I had no idea.

"I'm sure he has his reasons." I covered, even though right then I figured his reasons were a lot of buffalo chips.

"I'm so sorry. I…I'm sorry." Beth looked at me apprehensively.

"It's okay," I looked at Beth, and then turned back to Ponyboy. "It's okay."

"But how do you know?" Ponyboy was intent on worrying over his brother, and I knew I had to put a stop to it before he got too juiced up to the point where I wouldn't be able to calm him down.

"Pony," I held his face in my hands while I looked him in the eyes. "I would never lie to you about Sodapop. Never! He's alright. Let's just take it easy and I'll sort everything out when he gets home, okay?"

Ponyboy nodded as he looked on at me. He knew I would never keep anything from him if it were about Soda, especially if it were serious. He knew I meant what I said. Pony took a steady breath and closed his eyes. I pushed my chair back and looked down at my plate.

"Let's just enjoy supper. Beth said she brought us dessert." I looked at Ponyboy and smirked when he seemed to perk up a smidge.

"It's nothing much, don't get too excited. Just brownies." Beth played it down but little did she know, Ponyboy was a nut for anything chocolate.

"I like brownies! Who doesn't like brownies?"

The evening wasn't a complete loss, but I could tell that Beth was kicking herself about blowing Soda's secret even though like me and Ponyboy, she wasn't sure why it was a secret in the first place. She was scared that there'd be a rift between us because of her letting the cat out of the bag, and even though I'd wanted her to stay, she left early that evening.

Pony helped me clean up before I sent him into the living room to watch television. There wasn't a lot he could do given only one arm was usable, so I let him clear the table while I washed up the dishes and let them dry on the rack and the towel beside the sink. I was getting a sinking feeling that things were spinning beyond my control, and I hated it. Sodapop would be eighteen in just around the corner, and I was suddenly worried that my brother was planning to move on.

I didn't blame Soda if he wanted out; part of me actually wished that he would. I'd come to depend on Sodapop so much; maybe I depended on him too much, but it wasn't just for helping with the bills or with Ponyboy. Soda was more than just a brother to me. He was the one person in the world I knew I could always count on since losing our parents. No matter what was going on, Soda had my back. Even when I was being an idiot, I could trust that Soda would point me in the right direction. I knew I was being selfish, but I didn't want to lose that.

Ponyboy was sound asleep in his own room when the stinkin' thinkin' started, and I was like a two year old trying to sit still for a family photograph. It was the third day of October, and the house was suddenly suffocating me as my thoughts and worries screeched to the surface and tried to smother me. I sat on the steps of the porch to see if the fresh air would help. The sun was just starting to set and I tried to focus on the changing colours of the leaves on all of the trees, but all it did was remind me of how much life had changed.

I noticed Soda walking towards the house some time after, and I was ready to get to the bottom of things and confront him. But by the time he reached the walkway up to the house, my stomach was tied in knots, and I just didn't know what to do with him.

"What the hell ya doin' out here, Darry? Where's Beth?" Soda's smile lit up the dusk, and my stomach ached even more.

"Home," I managed to get out while I stared at my hands as they fidgeted.

"How'd it go?"

I nodded. "Good," still unable to look at him.

"What did Ponyboy think? Did he like her?" Soda asked as he sat down next to me on the step.

"Yeah," I was still nodding. "I think so."

"What's wrong, Darry? You still mad about me working? I'm sorry, Darry. I really mean it. I…"

"How's the new job, Soda?" I cut him off as he was still spewing out his apology.

"What?"

"The new job. Just what in the hell's goin' on? Why are you suddenly keeping things from me?" I asked and watched as the color drained from Soda's face. "You're gonna be eighteen in a few. If you want out, I get it. It's okay."

I was finally able to look Soda in the eyes, and I watched him as his face turned from shock, to total confusion and frustration, and then sudden defeat as he sighed heavily and looked away from me. He rubbed a hand over his face as one leg started bobbing up and down nervously, and I couldn't help but swallow hard as my stomach gave another pull and I became terrified of hearing his next words.

"I want Ponyboy."

He wanted Ponyboy? I looked at Sodapop in confusion. "What?"

Sodapop sighed heavily again. "I said, I want Ponyboy. I wanna take care of him."

"What are you talking about? You do take care of him." I shrugged, and now I was looking at Soda as though he had an extra eyeball in the middle of his forehead.

"No, Darry. I wanna be his guardian."

A barrage of mixed thoughts and emotions whirled in my head and my heart as my stomach clenched itself until I actually winced. Sodapop wanted to take over.

I felt like I should mourn for the reckless boy that was no more. Where did he go? He was an eighteen year old kid. He should've been out with Steve drag racing or out picking up girls, but instead he was worrying about taking over guardianship of our handicapped brother, and I didn't know why. But then that gnawing memory came back like it always did. The night I'd never escape; the night I'd hit Pony, essentially making him the way that he was. He'd always need somebody watching over him. I had one job after our parents died and I failed, and it was possible my brother thought so too.

"Am I doing that bad of a job?" I looked at Sodapop, trying to keep a handle on my emotions, but at the same time feeling like a complete, utter failure.

"God, no! Darry, you're the best! No! That ain't it. It's just…don't ya think it's gettin' time for you to move on?"

"What the hell are you talkin' about, Sodapop?"

"You deserve a life, Darry. You gave up everything. But I'm older now. I got the extra job." Soda shrugged. "You have yourself a real special girl. Why not run with it?"

"'Cause I ain't you, that's why. I'm dancing around with two left feet! Y'know, the two of you must think I'm some sort of asshole. You think I sit here at night pining for a life I could've had? Do you think I sit trying to come up with a plan on how to get away? Thanks a lot, little brother."

My face felt hot when I stood up abruptly, and stomped into the house leaving Sodapop by himself outside. I was tired, and emotionally drained. One brother was asking me if he was still allowed to live with me after he'd already had me married off, and the other is practically pushing me out the front door.

I headed for the bathroom to the medicine chest, and grabbed for the bottle of antacid Greg had prescribed in what felt like forever ago. I took a couple of good swallows, cringing at the taste. When I turned around, Soda was looking at me worriedly while standing just outside the bathroom door.

"Your stomach is actin' up." Soda stated rather than asked. "Darry, you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay." I spoke under my breath without looking at him, and then brushed by him as I headed for my room.

I knew he was behind me. I didn't bother shutting the door as I turned the bedside lamp on and proceeded to pull my shirt off over my head as I got ready to put an end to the day.

"Darry, what's wrong?"

"What's wrong? You fuckin' kidding me? You been sneakin' around so much that Pony and I can't make heads or tails. You're keepin' secrets and shuttin' us out. Now you got my bags practically packed, tellin' me my time is through and it's time to saddle up and fuck off. Gee, Soda; I don't know what's wrong with me."

"No, Darry. You got it wrong! I ain't tryin' to shut you out or get you out. That ain't what I'm tryin' to do."

"Yeah? You said you want custody of Ponyboy. Tell me how I got it wrong!" I threw my shirt past Soda's head and into the hamper.

"Darry, please!" Soda pleaded with me. "I swear it ain't like that. Can we just talk?"

I looked at my brother hard, and realized I was one big bundle of nerves. My stomach clenched, and I dropped down to sit on the edge of my bed, burying my head in my hands.

"I hurt you. I'm sorry, I wasn't tryin' to. I just wanna give you the same chance you give me and Pony. I just want you to be happy, Darry. I'm finally in a position I can do for you what you did for me." Soda's voice tried to calm me as he sat beside me.

"Do you really think I'd be anywhere else than here?"

"No I don't because you're amazing, Darry. I'll never be able to repay you for everything you've done for me. You're amazing, and I love the shit outta you, but you don't gotta always be puttin' yourself last for me and Ponyboy. You don't gotta be workin' yourself to death all the time for us."

"So you're going to instead?" I sat up straight, cocking an eyebrow at my brother.

"I can do it, Darry. You don't gotta anymore."

"I've never had to Soda. I thought you knew that? We're blood. We're all we have left. Without each other we have nothing. That's what separates us from all the other hoods in this town." I brought my hand up to rub Soda's back. "You two will always come first, Sodapop."

"What about Beth?" Soda looked worried again.

"She knows. Hell, she figured it out before I did." I sighed.

"I'm sorry, Darry." Soda looked sad.

"Why? I'm not. This is where I belong."

"He ever gonna get better, Darry?" Soda looked at me, and I really didn't know what to tell him.

"I don't know, little buddy. But he's alive, and he's with us, and that's more than we can ever ask for after what he had to go through."

"He'll need somebody to take care of him the rest of his life." Soda said what I'd known for awhile.

"He's got the both of us. That's why we gotta stick together." And it suddenly dawned on me what Soda was trying to do. I was just too scared to see it. "We can share the load. We can do it together."

"What do we do?" He asked.

I grinned thinking about Soda's words earlier. "We love the shit outta him."