The days and weeks were passing by so quickly, and with each moment I couldn't help but dread my return to Boston in the fall. I knew deep in my heart that the band wouldn't be physically there to support me, and although my boyfriend would be moving in with me, he would be the only person I could turn to in tough times.
Of course, final exams and projects were looming on the horizon, but to be honest I didn't really care. As my friend group at school gradually left me out more and more, and as I isolated myself from them, I sank deeper into my depression. I started to really hate playing music, because my lessons were so rough. Even playing with 2D and Noodle wasn't as fun as it used to be, as every time I sat at my harp I was reminded of the pain associated with my lessons.
I was really starting to miss Russel's quiet understanding and Murdoc's rare moments of tenderness. I often wondered how they were doing- if Murdoc was healing up from his fight and if he was getting on Russ's nerves yet. Frequently I attempted to send them a message or call them, but always backed out at the last moment out of shyness. We did have frequent Skype calls with the whole band though, which were comforting.
I didn't dare tell Noodle, but I was thinking about abandoning my plans to continue school. Of course, I had already put money into my new apartment, but I wasn't sure whether it mattered much to me. I couldn't even imagine breaking the news to my parents, though. I confided in Brandon that I was considering dropping out, and he didn't have much to say. His school situation was completely up in the air as well, so I guess he didn't feel like he was in a position to judge me.
One day, when the weather was particularly pleasant, 2D and I decided to go on a walk to the commons, leaving Noodle behind as she was immersed in writing a song and didn't seem to walk help or company.
Lying on the grass, we started our little ritual of looking at the clouds and daydreaming.
"See that?" he said, looking at the sky, "It's a butterfly."
"I don't know what I think of butterflies," I said thoughtfully. "I'm absolutely terrified of caterpillars, and the fact that butterflies used to be caterpillars still freaks me out a bit."
He looked at me funny and said, "I didn't know you were afraid of anything. You just always seemed so... brave."
I laughed. "I'm afraid of a lot of things," I said truthfully.
We laid there very still for a moment, and coincidentally enough a beautiful blue butterfly landed right on the tip of 2D's nose.
"You know, butterflies must be really brave," he said softly, trying not to scare his little friend away. "I heard somewhere that in their cocoons, they turn into a liquid before becoming a butterfly."
Fascinated, I watched the delicate creature gently moving its wings, as if it was showing off its vibrant colors in the sunlight.
"How do they know when to leave the cocoon? What if they decide to come out and they're still liquid? And then they die?" I wasn't really talking about insects anymore, and he seemed to start to realize this.
He rolled onto his side to look at me, and our friend fluttered down onto the grass between us. "They're just born knowing, I s'pose. I guess it's instinct or somefink like that. They just know."
I felt a tear drip from my eye, down my cheek, and onto the grass.
"I don't know," I said.
"What's on your mind?" he finally asked.
"I- I don't know if I want to go back to school next semester. But I'm terrified. What if I'm not ready? What if- what if I need to stay in the cocoon a little longer?"
"You see," he said, looking back at the sky, "that's the difference between butterflies and people. If you're a butterfly, there's no going back once you leave the cocoon. But if you're a person, you'll always get a second chance if you make a mistake."
After a thoughtful, quiet moment, I said, "You're a lot wiser than I thought you were before I met you."
He laughed. "I'm not wise. I just spend enough time daydreaming. Most people are too busy working their asses off to take a moment to actually think about life."
I gave him a smile. "I want to be just like you," I said, feeling a blush rising in my cheeks.
"Nah," he said with a chuckle, "don't do that. There's already a me. You should be you."
"Thanks," I said tentatively, "for everything."
We looked at the sky once more and I saw that the clouds had gradually cleared away, for the most part. I contemplated everything we had discussed, and although I didn't feel any closer to a decision, I felt a lot less anxious about the whole thing.
A/N Thanks for reading, as always, and please review! I love you all!