Blind Faith
Chapter 14
Edward
Oh Edward, I may get hurt, he may wound me beyond repair but I needed to try to win him. I would be patient and wait until he was ready.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
I was caught up in Claire's pain.
I could understand why she would want to cease to exist. I got it.
When everything you could ever care about was sucked from your existence, why continue?
Do you live on in their memory?
WHY?
This court case was about making the fuckers pay, sucking some blood out of their souls, if they had any. If I could have personally cut their balls off and let them bleed to death, I would have because no amount of money would ever give Claire a sense of relief. I knew she had died along with her husband and daughter. I wanted Jason Electronics to suffer and as yet, they weren't. I was beyond frustrated at the extent they could shield themselves from the pain their products created.
Have we really been relegated to caring about marketability of products, doing anything to cut losses over the well being of humanity? It appears to be so.
A company has no soul, no feelings. Despite the canny ad agencies that sell them as caring, concerned it's bullshit. The only way to get to the beast is to bleed it dry of profits, of the filthy lucre that drives the soulless beast. Heck, look at what happened to Arthur Anderson after the Enron debacle? They were just gone. That is my aspiration for Jason Electronics. The shareholders care but again only about money. Hell I care about money; I enjoy having a lot of it but not to the point that my gain comes at the expense of my fellow man.
How could I help her? The only satisfaction I can give her is to kill the beast. She needed to survive for the baby; yes, Claire was pregnant when the horrible tragedy occurred. She never got the chance to share the news with David, as he was inconsolable over the death of little Bree ultimately ending his own life before she could tell him.
Baby Caleb was being cared for by Claire's parents, Claire was in no condition to take care of the toddler.
I called ahead and talked to her father, Charlie. What a great guy. I thought of him as a friend, a mentor, he was the kindest wisest man I knew. He and his wife Renee were steadfast throughout the tragedy, helping Claire in every possible way. I let them know I was going to need to speak to Claire today; it was imperative that we get a deposition from her what with Matthews breathing down my neck.
I arrived at their modest home shortly thereafter and was greeted by Renee holding a struggling Caleb. What a beautiful child, so like Bree it was scary. I'm sure for Claire it was shattering. If he had not looked so like his dead sister she might have been able to cope. His unruly curls framed his chubby pouting face as he reached towards me. Renee handed him off to me with relief. I'd been to their home so often over the last year that I'd become an unofficial uncle to Caleb. He clung to me, popping his little thumb in his mouth as he settled against my chest.
"Yes, Caleb," I thought. "I'm here to help your mommy so you to can be a family again."
"Hey Renee," I smiled at her tired eyes. She took me in a quick hug pulling me inside. Charlie approached slapping my shoulder and guiding me into the family room where I sank into the comfortable sofa still holding a sleepy Caleb. He snuggled into my neck as Charlie sat in the chair across from me, popping a beer. He didn't offer me knowing I never drink when I'm working.
"It's not good Ed." He sighed, the concern clear in his voice.
"She drank herself into a stupor once she got home from your office yesterday. We tried to reason with her but we were reduced to threatening to remove all alcohol from the house…" He choked up. "I can't do that either until they find some medication to help her. It's the only relief she gets from the pain." I watched helplessly as tears streamed down his face. Renee, sniffling as well walked in and took the sleeping Caleb from me. I leaned forward bracing my hands on my knees.
"Charlie, if it's too much I can try and force a settlement or agree to one on her behalf but I have to say I am going to pursue a class action until I put those fuckers out of business." I said heatedly, knowing the stress of the lawsuit was adding to her pain.
"No." I heard behind me as I turned to see a frail Claire walk slowly down the stairs. "No settlement. I want them gone so they don't hurt anyone else's family." She was dead calm. It was eerie. I stood and guided her to the sofa beside me. She was a small woman wasted to nothing by the weight of her grief. At one time she had glowed with beauty and happiness. In stark contrast, her hair hung limply not recently brushed and unwashed. Her t-shirt and jeans hung loosely on her frame but it was her empty eyes that haunted me. Oh, what I would give to put light back in them!
"Edward." She sighed putting her thin arms around me in a quick hug. I pressed her lightly to me afraid she might break she was so fragile.
"I stumbled yesterday, I thought I was ready but I got overwhelmed at the thought of talking about what happened. I'm sorry Edward and thank you for saving me once again. Jasper was so kind to me, he got me home and tucked me in. He's so wonderful." I smiled slightly at this compliment warming at the thought of Jasper. I might have blushed a bit but I don't think anyone noticed. "Yes, he is wonderful." I thought.
"I can do this Edward, I owe it to…them." I looked into her sad eyes wondering how I could minimize her pain of having to relive the horror.
"Okay Claire, we'll do this but I'm going to talk to my counterpart and see if we can make the process easier for you."
She sighed deeply. "I'm…a-alive…E-Edward." She stuttered overcome once again as her hands flew to her face. Unthinking, I swept her onto my lap and held her as she cried into my chest, patting and stroking her hair. I rocked her murmuring that I would do my best to ease her pain. She soaked my shirt with her tears but I didn't care. I was enraged again at the circumstances that left her so shattered.
Her breathing slowed to a regular pattern. She had drifted off to sleep. I hoped no nightmare would assault her tonight.
I looked up at Charlie and Renee. They were suffering as well. They looked exhausted from the stress of caring for Claire and the rambunctious Caleb. It occurred to me that I could help.
"Hey, if you guys want a night out, I can take Caleb for you. I'm sure a sleepover and maybe a visit to the zoo would wear him out." I said quietly, not wanting to wake Claire.
"Edward, we might just take you up on that." Charlie said tiredly.
I looked down at the sleeping Claire, coiled tightly around me. "I think I should get her upstairs and hopefully she'll sleep for a while." They nodded in unison.
I leaned forward, securing my hold on her and stood. It was like holding a child she was so light. I trod up the stairs to her childhood bedroom. I held her as I pulled her covers back then placed her gently down before covering her up. I placed a light kiss on her forehead and started to stand. A hand reached out and gripped my own and her quick movements momentarily startled me.
"Thank you Edward, for everything." She said sleepily. What she said next rocked me.
"Don't let Jasper get away, you two are good together."
Struck dumb, I merely nodded. How could she know?
"Jasper talks like you're the second coming. He glows when your name is mentioned." She said as if she read my mind.
"Sleep Claire, I'll call you tomorrow." I whispered, thrown by this last bit of conversation. I brushed back her hair and left, closing the door behind me.
I descended the stairs to be greeted by Charlie and Renee.
"She's asleep now but we will talk again tomorrow." I said as I brushed my hand through my hair, suddenly self-conscious. I started to feel as if I was getting too entwined with this family and hoped I wasn't doing her a disservice. I was emotionally involved, that was for sure.
"Edward, thank you for everything." Renee gushed as she took me into a tight hug.
"Son, we'll call you to watch Caleb sooner than you think." He winked at me but I knew they needed a break.
"I'll be happy to help, sir." We shook hands and I finally departed. It was dark but I needed to get back to the office and make arrangements for Claire's deposition.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
I was bent over my computer sending e-mail to Craig Mathews when a figure appeared at my door. I glanced up distracted.
Jasper.
My heart leapt but my face remained impassive.
"Oh hey. I thought I was alone. What are you still doing here?" My pulse was racing as he stood in the doorway gazing at me.
His gentle face entrapped me, blue eyes ablaze. He was a vision in navy slacks and vest contrasting his white shirt, sleeves rolled up, no tie; two buttons at the top of his shirt undone. He brushed back a lock of his wheat colored hair, highlighted by the sun. We stared at each other, the naked desire rolling off of us in waves.
"Thank you for being so kind to Claire. She really appreciated it." I said, unable to stop staring at him.
"You're beautiful." He said simply then turned and walked way leaving me stunned.
What am I supposed to do with that? I thought about going after him but then the moment would be lost.
I was brought back to reality abruptly.
I received a text from Emmett all in caps; "WHEN ARE YOU TELLING TANYA? I'M GIVING YOU 24 HOURS."
Fuck my brother for pushing me like that!
My mind was a maelstrom of anxiety. I was uncertain now that I had done the right thing coming out to Emmett and it was becoming increasingly obvious that a broader circle of friends and acquaintances suspected I was gay. Emmett, of course knew, Rosalie and Alice I'm certain were aware as well as was the insufferable Jacob, eternal source of annoyance. Then there was Caius and Felix who greatly enjoyed my discomfort and probably Maria enjoyed it as well. I was living on a knife-edge of uncertainty as to what to do next. Who should I spill my guts to? Should I tell my family and loved ones individually or convene a meeting and spill my guts all at once? It struck me that those to whom I'd come out had taken my sexual preference in stride, as if they'd always known. I found this mildly disturbing.
I took a step away from myself as I realized poor Claire came and went from our offices and I'd barely had a chance to comfort her. I'm glad I was able to see her today. Matthews was next on my list and hopefully he could see reason.
Jasper, Jasper clearly desired me and at the same time pushed me away. I was confused by what his motivations were. I worried I had moved to out myself merely to keep him and that was unwise. I recalled my hurt when Jasper called me out on acting for myself, not because I wanted him. He was right, though. My feelings for Jasper were instant and intense, like a roman candle flaming in its intensity. He was my only obsession, consuming my thoughts until I touched his skin violating him in so many ways. I regretted my rash actions.
At the same time, he continued to signal that he wanted more, touching me and caressing my neck when we went out with the group. He embraced me in the office taking me by surprise then held me at arms length, leaving with Jacob from the bar crushing my heart. To gain his love and place in my life, I needed to get my get my shit together before there was even the smallest chance of us ever being one.
I thought about Claire's words. I did not want to lose him.
I had pulled away as had he from our torrid beginnings resolving to be colleagues first although neither on of us ever discussed it. It tore at me to see him with Jake and despite that he sure seemed to want me too.
My career weighed heavily on me. I worked hard at maintaining credibility within the firm. As the son of a founder, a lot was expected. My sexual orientation should not be an issue. If I weren't the legacy I would be less concerned. The thing is, no one really cares about your personal shit, especially in the business and legal world. Whatever I decide, my work world must be held apart. If I come out, my sexual orientation should be irrelevant. God, I hope so, I've worked too hard to let it all slip away.
I laugh, in some respects at my naiveté, as if I can magically announce that I'm gay and the world will continue to revolve as it has before for me. No, I will likely need to step off at the next stop if I come out at least that's what I tell myself as I imagine my family reacting in the worst possible way.
Am I ready for this reality? There are many examples of gay men who live their lives openly, comfortably to all outward appearances. In my mind, I ask; what did they give up to finally allow themselves to be free? Did "Mom and Dad" still love them? Did they get kicked out of their homes and were they shunned? Are they braver than me?
How far am I willing to go to free my soul and to be honest. What am I willing to give up? I must consider this in isolation to my strong feelings for Jasper. He is an openly gay man; I struggle daily to be even remotely as honest as he is. I am not that good.
Tonight, I have dinner planned in an elegant restaurant, a private booth where we won't be overheard. We agreed only to dinner but then, I'm certain she expects we'll retreat to her apartment and make love. I could never take advantage of her that way, sex between us is so infrequent and unexciting but even Tanya has needs. I can't fulfill them and I doubt I could perform with her anymore. By the end of the evening she may not care.
Tanya is so sweet and beautiful. Desired by so many men but not me. She is my best friend in so many ways. Can I marry her knowing I could never truly be hers? Could I be that wicked just to maintain my social standing? My soul is being torn to shreds by my desire to fit in to what I consider the traditional life and my deep yearning to be with a man, with Jasper.
I wrench myself out of my reverie and prepare myself for the evening with a sense of dread.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
I arrived at Tanya's place shortly before eight and let myself in shouting out to announce my arrival. Years of habit cannot be unlearned I muse closing the door behind me. I know I should hand the key over to her soon if not tonight. Because I am so comfortable coming and going from her place over the years I help myself to a scotch from her well stocked bar downing the drink quickly seeking to calm my frazzled nerves. The pressure I am under seems unbearable knowing that by the end of the evening events will unravel and a lovely woman will be hurt.
"Edward you're here!" She glides towards me perfectly coiffed, perfumed and powdered to within an inch of her life. Her silky dress billows softly around her slim body. I curse myself inwardly for ever getting so involved with her. Her arms circle my waist and she presses up against my chest tilting her face towards me in expectation of a kiss. I brush my lips softly against her mouth then pull back twisting from her hold under the pretense of grabbing her wrap. My intention is not to escalate affections since I know how the evening will end. I start the process of distancing myself emotionally.
We are quiet on the drive to the restaurant, she is holding my hand. I sense her watching me expectantly a slight smile on her lips. The soft strains of jazz color our mood as we arrive. The valet opens our doors and I escort Tanya in. We are well known and are seated immediately.
Our waiter has been requested ahead of time, someone we know and we engage in light banter with him. As we chat, I momentarily feel as if I've stepped outside myself and am observing a handsome couple from afar enjoying dinner without a care in the world. It looks so normal and it's all ever wanted. We have such history between us. Our comfort and knowledge of each other's lives, family, likes and dislikes is deep and in a perfect world we were made for each other. Fate is cruel.
Tanya is chattering away about our families. I am distracted and barely able to follow her thoughts when she stuns me from my reverie.
"Edward, we need to set a date for the wedding. Your mother has been bugging me to start planning the venue and…" I cringe and regret eternally that I ever let it get this far, that my cowardice will break her heart.
"Tanya, love," I take her hands in my shaking pair and squeeze lightly to gain her attention. She smiles brightly but her smile fades as she sees the sadness on my face. I can barely hold her eyes I feel so guilty. I have momentarily lost my voice, afraid to crush her and fearing the family ramifications. I sigh deeply.
"There isn't going to be a wedding." I croak. She stares at me unblinkingly. "Edward," she warns this is not funny. Your mother and I,"
"Tanya, I can't be the man you need." I'm shocked as tears start falling. My face scrunches up in pain as I consider my next words.
"I have feelings for men. I've tried for so long to deny them but I can no longer pretend I can be a husband to you. You are too good and sweet and I've been so dishonest in my hope I could be the man you need. I love you but not the way a man should love a woman." I find that I'm overcome with guilt, close to weeping but managing to hold myself together.
"Edward," she looks at me her eyes glittering. "I don't care if you're gay. You can have men if you need that…"
We are interrupted as our waiter returns but backs away seeing the intensity at the table. That's why he was requested. His discretion is impeccable.
"I can't hide anymore Tanya. What you're suggesting is not what I want. I need to be out"
She abruptly pushes her chair back, angry. She throws her napkin on the table as tears begin to flow.
"No Edward, it was supposed to be you and me! I need to be part of this family." She grabs the napkin and dabs her beautiful eyes. I feel like an ass.
"You are and will always be part of my family! My mother adores you, and considers you her daughter and has forever regardless of me." I whisper. I'm desperate that we are spinning out of control emotionally and I don't want a scene in the restaurant.
"I want to have your children!" She wails. It's time for us to leave. I make eye contact with our waiter and he nods indicating he will take care of the bill as he has my information. I approach Tanya and wrap my arm around her slim waist. She is such a treasure and I feel like the lowest life form right now.
"Let's go love, I'm so sorry." I hold her close as my car is brought around. She is sniffing but stops and looks up at me with watery eyes.
"Will you give me a child, Edward?" I would never intentionally do this.
"Tanya, I can't promise you that."
I'm exhausted emotionally as I drop Tanya at her place. She argued with me that we should sleep together one last time and I refused. I walked her to her door kissing her forehead. "I love you Tanya, you were always my best friend." She hit my chest with her fist.
"Get out." She growled. I left swiftly, fearing the repercussions of what I had done.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
I was a wreck of emotions with nowhere to turn for advice. I paced around the kitchen wondering whether I should drink myself into a stupor. I decided the upcoming day would be stressful enough without adding the burden of a hangover.
My skin felt grimy so I bathed and tried not to think too much about Tanya's reaction. It had to be done.
I crawled under my covers, wilting from tiredness. I drifted off quickly.
BANG, BANG, BANG!
I awoke abruptly from the noise. It was late, close to midnight so I questioned who could be at my door.
I descended the stairs to the entryway in darkness, flicking on the outside light to see who my visitor might be.
I froze as I gazed into familiar green eyes. Edward Cullen Senior was paying me a late night visit.