One of Nana's lessons: Never let them know how much something has affected you. Not only does the Capitol enjoy it, but they will use your reaction against you. Bury your emotions as far down as you can until you are completely alone. Learn to wear a mask.
This lesson was repeated to me again and again growing up. Our home was bugged and unlike some of the other kids I knew, we were unable to process our feelings there. I could never cry about the child they just executed for a minor offense. That would have to wait until we could find somewhere that the Peacekeepers didn't follow.
Watching the Hunger Games, that was the worse. Peacekeepers made sure that our family was always watching them. So when the people in our district would turn away, I had to watch every brutal detail of a tribute's death.
I had become good at this game… so good that I've been told I'm difficult to read even by my family. Over the years the term 'them' became not just the people from the Capitol, but everyone. I just felt safer that way. I had people I loved and wanted to protect and it was better this way.
Do my parents know how strange it feels when they comfort me in our apartment back in the Capitol? Not in some secluded woods, or quiet part of the district, but in our new home. How funny that it is the place we've feared our entire lives rather the place we were taught to love and be loyal that I've felt so secure.
Staring at the wall across from my bed I try to sort through my emotions. A mutinous tear falls down my face, but I've had enough crying for one week. To push away the tears, I change back into my every day clothes and then pull out my portable computer. Plutarch gave one to me about a week after the elections and it has become one of my favorite toys up at the Capitol. There are a few messages waiting for me, but I go straight to the message from Triac Brooks.
Ever since my trip to Three, we have been keeping in contact to work on a few projects. Hoping for a distraction I open up the message but it's something entirely different.
Sorry about your Grandmother.
The message is so unexpected that I stare at it for a good two minutes before replying, Thank you.
While checking the other messages, Triac sends me another note.
How are you?
This isn't what we talk about… ever. It's always been about events, inventions, or our districts' reconstruction. Never has our personal lives every played a factor in our conversations. I tell him I'm doing all right and that I expected this for a long time. We tag each other for a few more minutes before getting back to our usual topics.
I hear the others returning, but become too distracted with the upgrades to the new communication system that I decide to not join them just yet. Putting the images on the hologram projector, I walk around the room looking at the plans for the new communication tower. With just a sweep of my hand, I can enlarge or shrink things, move them around, or remove them from the room. After a few minutes I've realized that I've created something resembling a star field. The feeling of wonder feels so good that I want to live in this moment for just awhile longer.
"Clear," I say when someone knocks on my door.
"What the…" says Elian when he opens the door and sees me standing in the middle of red and white light.
His expression wasn't unlike the one he had on his face when he walked on Raiden and me after that one bombing raid.
Raiden's lips are pressed against mine. The voice in the back of my mind tries to remind me these caves aren't private and someone could waltz in here at any moment. But this feeling is so wonderful I ignore that voice.
A cat call whistle breaks us apart. Both of us blush when we see Elian looking at us slightly flustered, but with a grin on his face.
"All right break it up. Raiden, we're needed to move some of the crates."
Raiden give me one last brief kiss before getting up. "I'll be back later."
"Awe," says Elian with his hands clasped in front of him.
"Elian you're such a jerk," I say when Raiden leaves. He's lucky I didn't have something to throw at him otherwise it would've already made contact with his thick head.
"Your Da is about thirty seconds away."
My expression changes instantly, "Blessings be upon you my dear cousin."
"Hey, you awake?" Elian asks me waiving his hand in front of my face.
"Guess not," I say snapping out of my memory. "What's going on?"
"The miniatures are pestering your Capitol friends. You might want to rescue them."
"I'll be down in a minute," I say. Quickly I say goodbye to Triac and then add, 'thanks again' to the message.
Silently I sneak downstairs wanting to see my younger cousins interact with Aurelia and Gaius. Red, Gwen, Donner, Warrick, and Karen are all around them but it's Donner leading the charge on the questioning. The look on Gaius' face sends me into a fit of laughter. Obviously he's never dealt with younger children otherwise he wouldn't look like little mutts were circling his heals.
I'm spotted and Gaius signs, rather deliberately, that it's time to practice.
A chorus of 'Hi Vixen' is echoed in the room.
"Hey there. You guys want to see us practice some fighting moves?"
"Yes!"
"All right, but you have to stay out of the way."
The miniatures follow us outside and take a seat on a fallen tree. Elian takes an interest and sits with them. Adorably, Karen sits in his lap and watches avidly. Great Panem is my cousin going to make a great dad one day.
Gaius grabs a pad almost the length of his body and directs me to start. All other things go to the back of my mind as I concentrate on hitting or kicking the pad. Every now and then he'd stop and show me what if I was doing something wrong.
Our sessions over the months have become harder and more intense. The bag is now just used for the warm up and we go at it one-on-one full hilt. There's no room for any distractions as Gaius keeps me on my guard.
"Cool!" shouts Donner when I slide underneath Gaius' legs and come back up on the other side.
"Enough!"
All of us turn to see Uncle Boron coming out of the house. "This isn't something they should be watching.
Sweat dripping from my face I ask, "And why is that?"
My tone is like it always is when starting a debate, but he takes this as a challenge.
"Do I need a reason? The Hunger Games and the war are over. They don't need to watch any more violence."
"But they might encounter it," I reply keeping my tone formal. "If I didn't learn some of these moves, I wouldn't be able to tell you how I got those lovely bruises on my neck a couple weeks back."
Uncle considers this for a moment but then his face hardens. "I said enough."
"There are other places to practice," I tell Gaius.
The miniatures start a game in the yard. Not surprisingly, Elian follows Gaius and I down the ridge by the fence. He learns a few punches and kicks. When Gaius pulls out the bag, Elian's hits are so intense that I'm grateful not to be on the other end of those.
At the end of practice I tell Gaius to go on ahead. What we said in that conversation is for us alone. As the sun disappears from the district I wonder just how much more strain our family can take before we break.
The next morning, my parents and uncle get a phone call. Something's up and I wait for an explanation, but I'm not given one. Instead uncle announces that mother and he have to get back to the Capitol today. Papa and the adults go to a side room and I assume they at least are told what is going on.
Da looks at my siblings and me, "You three are going to stay here until next week. We'll see you when you get back to the Capitol."
"Da, what's going on?" Chance asks.
"I'll explain later," Da replies. "What's with that look, Vixen?"
My arms are folded mutinously across my stomach, "You know I'm going to find out what's up within an hour, right?"
"Yep," Da grumbles. "Fine. Someone just tried to assassinate Paylor. She's fine, but they got close."
In this moment I know that my personal feelings need to be put aside. One of the games has made its opening move. I'm on the board and I need to be back in the Capitol to be a part of the game. Everyone left that I love will die if the wrong player wins.