Chapter 14: After

I've spent too much time sleeping lately, but getting hit by a hovercar can be very emotionally draining.

When I wake up again, Zeke is still there, and still asleep. This must've been as hard for him as it's been for me. Maybe even harder.

Where would you be without him?

Probably lying dead in the middle of a road somewhere.

That's not exactly what I meant…

What did you mean?

I meant where would you be emotionally without him?

He hasn't done anything to change my emotions…

Oh, but he has. You would still be friendless, you would still consider yourself a Sith-

I am a Sith.

No, Kaie. You were led to believe that you were a Sith, but I don't think you ever really were. You were angry at Jeren for leaving you, even though you knew it was something that couldn't be helped.

But I killed him and Wil and Syra.

How?

I think back to that day. To that battle I've tried so hard to forget. And I find I can't remember how. Was it me? Or just my imagination.

Yes, it was you.

You're back to confusing me again. I sigh.

You thought you were fighting a hologram. You couldn't see the three real people behind the three that weren't really there. You didn't mean to kill them, Kaie. It was simply the will of the Force.

I don't reply, leaning my head back on my pillow and closing my eyes.

"Talking to yourself again, Kaie?"

"How can you tell?"

"You get this look on your face. Gives it away."

"Ah."

"What did your Voice have to say this time?"

"Nothing of much importance." Liar, liar, pants on fire.

I open my eyes again and stare at him long and hard.

"What?" Zeke shifts uneasily.

"I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to ask you something."

"Ask away."

Do I really want to know this? Really and truly want to know it? He's waiting… I might as well.

"What happened at the Academy after… after Jeren and I disappeared?"

"Oh." Probably the last question he expected me to ask. "Well, um… I left a few hours after you were reported missing to… to hunt you down, I guess. Maybe I just felt like I couldn't stand another minute at the Academy if I stayed. Everyone was talking about you, Kaie. Some, like Syra and Wil, refused to believe that you were dead, but most of the students were convinced you weren't just MIA. They wouldn't stop talking about it, and it was too much. So I left. Went to Corellia, went to Bespin, even went to Kessel, but I couldn't find you."

"And when you came back?"

"Wil and Syra were gone and no one could tell me where they'd gone to."

Inwardly, I cringe. It hurts, knowing how much pain I've caused this man. And after all that, running away from him on Corellia only a month ago, and then getting myself run over by a speeder…

"I'm sorry, Zeke."

He draws a deep, shuddering breath. "What's done is done. There's no use wishing we could change the past.