*Thank you my good readers. Your lovely comments are inspiring and warm my heart every time. It pains me to post this next chapter because of the angst and heartbreak that it brought on. Even as I typed it I cried so I warn you be aware and I'm sorry in advance.
"So the mother," Greg repeats rubbing his forehead, "are you certain?"
Sherlock doesn't bother restraining the sound sigh of exasperation followed by a glare. "I've already explained in great detail and give overwhelming evidence towards the suspect," he says irritably, "now if you don't need me any longer I wish to get my doctor home." Sherlock doesn't wait for a reply from the D.I. before turning with a dramatic flutter of his coat and walks away.
Lestrade closes his eyes and sighs thinking over the hell he'll be going through with this information. Opening his eyes again he sees Sherlock has stopped short and staring in the distance with a look of confusion. Stepping closer Greg opens his mouth to question him.
"John?" The D.I. hears Sherlock say.
Equally confused Greg looks to the car where they had set the doctor only to find the vehicle empty.
"John!" Sherlock cries sounding close to hysteria hurrying closer to the open door of the car.
"Sherlock calm down. John's probably taken a cab home since he wasn't feeling good."
Sherlock shakes his head, looking around quickly, "he wouldn't leave without saying anything." He insists.
Lestrade knows this is true especially after the conversation he had with the man earlier. John knows that Sherlock is on edge and wouldn't want to further that anxiety by pulling a stunt like this willingly.
Glancing around the D.I. spots an up and coming officer standing guard by the caution tape. Going over to him Greg addresses the man, "did you happen to see where Dr. Watson went?"
The young man nods, "he left not ten minutes ago heading for the street and hailed a cab." He answers.
Greg thanks the man and glances over at Sherlock and sees his cell pressed to his ear. With every passing second no one answer Sherlock grew more and more agitated. "John, please I need you to call and tell me where you are!" The man has given up on keeping his neutral expression, showing off his intense worry.
"Sherlock, I'm sure he's fine." Lestrade assures more for himself than the frantic man before him.
Sherlock isn't listening his phone is to his head again but his time his call is answered. "I need you to find John," he shouts over the line, "no there is no time explain just find him." He hangs up.
"Sherlock he probably went home," the D.I. tries, "I'll give you a lift."
Sherlock doesn't argue as the two get in the car and speed through London.
"Don't worry Sherlock I'm sure John is fine." Greg says but his words sound hallow and he wishes his car could go faster without breaking speed limits.
Sherlock says nothing, his eyes staring straight ahead.
Lestrade doesn't speak again and barely gets the car stopped before the tall man is out, sprinting for the flat.
"Please John be here." Greg prays as he follows.
"John!" Sherlock's hysterical screams can be heard and the D.I. knows that his praying has done no good.
John is gone?
John is GONE!
Where is he?
Where would he go?
Where did he go?
Sherlock can barely form a coherent thought as his brain spins in a chaotic mess. Never in his life has he ever felt this overwhelming frantic despair. His doctor is missing and no amount of searching seemed to help. Nobody seemed capable in helping either. Mycroft, with all his connections, had nothing, could find nothing! Lestrade is never any help in the first place.
Sherlock went everywhere, trying every possibility. Every time nothing turned up his mind devolved further. He can't stop moving, he's breathing is erratic, and his body is shaking uncontrollably. Sherlock felt like he is on a really bad high and can't fight off the panic that is setting in.
"Sherlock," Greg speaks and his voice is grating on every never the tall man has left.
"Lestrade," Sherlock speaks in low warning tone, "at this moment in time your input is not need nor is your presence so would you kindly shove off!" He shouts the last words. There are people staring but the detective doesn't care.
"Sherlock," the D.I. tries again and this time Sherlock can't hold back.
"No Gregory! No, I will not calm down, no I won't think positively! For over two years he was gone and now he's gone again without a word, what am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to do? I CAN'T DO IT, NOT AGAIN! I can't…not again…" Sherlock voice cracks and tears are streaming down his face, "I feel so helpless and I can't do anything about it, I just need to find him. I don't care how I do it or who helps me. I just need to find him. I can't live without him…"
Greg seems at a loss, he's openly staring at Sherlock with shock and pity as are a majority of other people.
"I can't," Sherlock whispers collapsing to his knees.
He's entire being is so frayed any amount of movement will tear him apart. He can't function and he doesn't understand what his body is doing anymore. There is so much pain that it feels as if John is still dead and nothing can bring him back.
Warm hands touch his back but Sherlock barely notices them. He feels so disconnected to his body but at the same time nothing has ever felt so raw.
"Sherlock," the D.I.'s voice murmurs and Sherlock finds himself pulled into an embrace.
The hug isn't entirely unwelcomed and the taller man didn't realize how cold he was until Greg's body heat is seeping into him. The press of the other man's body on him causes Sherlock to sag into him and cry. He doesn't care how this is breaking every rule he has ever had. Sherlock had crossed that line when he let John move in.
"Let's get you home," Lestrade mutters when Sherlock pulls away from him. The other makes a protesting sound but the D.I. hushes him. "We're not giving up on John but you are exhausted and need rest, you'll feel better.
Sherlock doubts this but suddenly all his energy is gone and can only follow.
Sherlock can only stare up at the dark windows of 221B Baker Street. Tightness is building in his chest and he's finding it hard to breathe. A hand on his arm suddenly grounds him, bringing him back from the edge of a panic attack. Looking over Sherlock sees Greg give an encouraging smile.
"We're not giving up," the D.I. assures, "I'll keep looking."
Sherlock nods and pushes himself out of the car.
"You want me to walk you up?" The other man asks.
Sherlock knows his usual response would be a snapping insult but at the moment he just shakes his head and doesn't wait for the man to speak again as he heads for the looming door.
Sherlock hears Lestrade's vehicle drive away and contemplates going out again to search but his body feels so weak that he takes everything not to collapse on the ground right now.
Staggering for the door he leans heavily against the frame, fumbling for his keys. It took some minutes before Sherlock's shaking hands are able to function enough to get the keys in the lock and the door open. Inside with the door firmly shut behind him, he uses the wall to climb the stairs.
The whole building is silent. Mrs. Hudson had gone away for some time with her sister so Sherlock is completely alone. Inside the flat he looks around uncertain. The air smells of a slight chemical tang and tea.
"John." Sherlock's voice carries through the flat.
There is no one to answer the pitiful call. Fresh tears course down his face as he shuffles further in dropping coat and scarf on the floor as he passes into the kitchen. Going from room to room he still turns up nothing. No warm, sturdy body of a loveable ex-army doctor with distasteful jumpers and genuine smiles.
Sherlock pauses at the bottom of the stairs up to John's room though it isn't the doctor's room much of late.
"John." The sobs thicken his voice near unrecognizable.
Pushing himself Sherlock climbs the stairs slowly using the wall. Only the will to occupy space John had inhabited drives him. A faint hope hardens in his chest though he knows the unlikely hood of the doctor being up here. The door isn't shut, not completely and Sherlock barely brushes it to push it open.
The room is empty.
Sherlock isn't surprised but that doesn't stop him from falling to his knees, his strength leaving him completely. He is a ruin, broken by the truth before him. His doctor is gone and it may be forever. It hadn't even been a day but Sherlock felt the last two years come back in full force.
John's broken and bleeding body on the cement with sightless blue eyes staring up at the sky. Blood in that beautiful greying blonde hair, blood seeping everywhere with no way to stop it.
Sherlock's vision blurs and there's a sound echoing off the walls of gasping sobs. It takes him a moment to realize though sounds are coming from him. Crawling forward Sherlock drags himself on to the bed, the mattress stale. It hadn't been used since John came home but his scent lingered, embedded.
This is a place where his John had slept.
Sherlock remembered the painful days after the doctor's Fall. He had checked out mostly only functioning enough to locate his past dealers and the liquor store. Sherlock shut himself in his room with nothing to look forward to but the pain numbing nothingness of drugs though within days they stopped numbing and enhanced. Like Lestrade, Sherlock drank until he blacked out from an alcoholic haze.
After weeks of bare existences Sherlock realized his only goal for the remainder of his life; finding Moriarty and killing him.
Now there is nothing to look forward to, there is no Moriarty to punish. John is gone and there is nothing to go on that will lead to the man. Sherlock inhales deeply from the duvet and searching for the pillows. Drawing one closer he wraps himself around it, wishing for the warmth of a body. John's cheap shampoo still clings to the fabric and Sherlock buries his head in it wanting to be immersed.
Falling asleep is nothing and Sherlock welcomes the darkness hoping it lasts forever if it means not having to feel the pain of John's loss.
*I listened to Say Something by A Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilera while I was writing this and it didn't help. Thank you for reading and I would love to hear your reviews.