Always There

Chapter 14

Disclaimer: Almost finished! I own none of these characters, but am grateful to JE for inventing them for us to play with. Unlike JE, I am not making any money from them

A/N: Well, we are almost there. I had a lovely break in a fairly internet free zone, hence not replying to people yet, but did manage to write this chapter – another tricky one for me, so hope you like it. Thank you so much for the amazing reviews, stories and encouragement that you have all given me over the course of this story – I can't believe that this started out as a one shot! You really have been incredible and I might even find the courage to post a new story at some point now I know how nice you all are! Please have a read of the A/N 2 at the end.

Enjoy

Longest Day

Steph was on autopilot. She took the dress she had bought especially for the occasion from the protective bag and laid it on the bed. Going back into the huge closet, she picked out the shoes and the jacket, laying them out carefully too. Seeing the outfit in front of her somehow made this day all the more real. She wasn't quite sure how she was going to get through it because, of all that had happened in the last few months, this was the day that she dreaded the most.

The past week since her grandmother's passing had had an almost surreal quality to it. They had done the legal necessities and then had to start thinking about the funeral. This is when Anne, the nurse at the hospice, had stepped in and handed Stephanie a letter addressed to her, Helen and Val. In it Edna had outlined a few details of what she wanted at her funeral. For the most part she had said, she trusted the family to make the arrangements, but there were a few things she would like them to include. All three women had smiled when they read what Edna had requested, Helen and Val choking back sobs through their smiles. But not Steph. Somehow she just couldn't. She hadn't cried at all and that had bothered her. Thank goodness for Carlos, because once again, he knew, he just knew that it had been eating away at her.

"Babe, people deal with things like this in different ways," he had said. "It doesn't mean you don't feel it or loved her any less. It's just that now is not your time." He had paused and pulled her closer, before adding quietly, "I think we both know when that day might be, but even then, as and when Babe, as and when."

His assurances had made her feel better about it; one of the best/most annoying things about Carlos was that he knew her so well and he never lied to her. She trusted him completely and so decided she had enough on her plate without worrying about this too.

The arrangements had gone surprisingly smoothly. The funeral was being handled by the funeral directors still known as Stivas, even though it had changed hands a few times since Steph and Grandma had burnt the place down! Steph couldn't help but stifle a smile as her and her family had visited the current owners to make the arrangements.

Of course, Edna has insisted on an open casket viewing. And she had been adamant in her request that mini cupcakes, chunky chocolate chip and chocolate covered cookies should be on offer – no skimping on cookies at her viewing! But it was the picture that Edna had left with her instructions that had gotten to Steph. Edna had left instructions on how she wanted to look and what she wanted to be dressed in. The picture was of that wonderful night in Atlantic City when she was all dressed up and had danced with Lester and Bobby. She had asked Bobby for a picture so that Steph could give it to the morticians to copy. She knew Steph would have the dress.

She had also asked Bobby to tell Steph that she would understand if Steph didn't want to go to the viewing. Edna knew that it wasn't Steph's thing, but even though she couldn't bring herself to look, Steph was there – and not for the Burg gossip mill but for her mom and her sister. There had been a huge turn out but it had all gone incredibly smoothly and yet again, Steph was sure this had been largely due to the very well built, yet strangely inconspicuous, men in black that had been dotted throughout the viewing room and reception area. Later, when she had told Carlos of her observation, he had mentioned that he was a little concerned that because of the fuss Edna had often made, someone may have tried to disrupt her own viewing – and he hadn't been prepared to let that happen.

Helen had begun to panic about the catering for the funeral. She had been in a bit of a daze since her mother's death, but had been incredibly open about letting Steph have input in to the funeral service and arrangements. However, the night of the viewing it was like something had snapped Helen out of her haze and the reality of what the practical aspects were had suddenly hit her. Steph hadn't known a thing about this until she had popped in to her mom's for lunch and had been shocked to find Ella at the kitchen table. She had overheard Helen voicing her concerns to Frank and had decided that she would like to help. The next morning Ella had approached Ranger who had given her the Plums' number and that was that. Steph joined them but said nothing, as the women were deep in to making arrangements that Steph couldn't have been a part of even if she'd wanted to. And she would have to hug Ella later for the way that she way she was handling this. Although quite capable of taking the whole thing over, she just gently offered her services to Helen in whatever way she needed, still allowing the grieving woman to make the decisions and knowing, more to the point, that she needed to feel useful, needed to be busy and wanted to do this one last thing for her mother. The time to really grieve would come when the funeral was over.

Steph had learned from watching the way Carlos organised his men, that everyone could contribute best within their skill set. Helen had shocked the hell out of Steph when she had asked her to take the lead on making funeral arrangements, stating that she was the one who knew her mother best. For the first time ever, Steph watched her mother humbly step back and not demand, but ask that she be included somehow. She would never forget how it made her feel when her mother reacted so positively to being asked to take care of the catering. Not quite as dramatically, but in a similar vein, Steph had charged Val with organising the flowers for the church and co-ordinating the flowers from the family. They had all decided that they didn't want a massive amount of flowers even though Edna loved them. Instead they would accept flowers only from close family, asking all other mourners to write a donation to St Luke's Hospice in lieu of flowers. Val was going to collect the donations as well and would take care of thank you notes.

And so everything was done. The helplessness of that fact washed over Steph as she changed into her outfit. It was a typical late summer/early fall day; bright sunshine yet the breeze brought a slight chill with it. 'Fitting' she thought to herself absently. Sunny and bright like grandma but the chill a reminder of the day.

"You ok Babe?" Steph jumped at the soft baritone that interrupted her thoughts. She nodded and gave him a small smile in the mirror as he pushed her hands down and zipped up her dress. She looked at their reflections. He looked amazing as always in a black suit and white shirt, but what caught her eye was the blue tie and breast pocket handkerchief that matched her dress perfectly. One of grandma's specific instructions had been that she didn't want a sea of black at her funeral. No, her's was to be a celebration of her life not a dismal, morbid affair. However, Edna knew that some of her friends would be uncomfortable at the idea and so had put a caveat in that allowed for black with a splash of colour if an individual felt they had to wear black. For Carlos of course, this was perfect. If she didn't know better Steph would have thought that grandma actually had Carlos in mind when she had written it…

Taking a last look at herself in her blue dress and jacket, Stephanie took a deep breath. It was time to go. She was getting to her mother's early as the funeral was leaving from there. She wanted a little time to see

that her mom and Val weren't stressing and to ensure that MA and Angie were okay. Carlos led her gently to the elevator and then to the Porsche Cayenne that would take him, Albert and the girls to the funeral. The lead car would take Steph, Helen, Frank, Val, a cousin of grandma's and her best friend. This had not been the Plums' choice but Edna's. They had been shocked when the funeral directors had told them that the whole thing had already been sorted out. Edna had arranged everything – from choosing the casket and insisting on only one car - and paid for it. Apparently she had been to enough funerals to know a rip off when she saw one and had told Roz, one half of the partnership, that if people wanted to come to her funeral, they could find their own transport – they'd get well fed and watered afterwards by her daughter, so that's the least they could do! Helen and Val had almost had a cow on hearing this, but Steph couldn't stifle a grin. Even Frank, who had disappointed Stephanie in his passivity throughout the whole time, had been visibly taken aback.

Things were surprisingly calm at the house although the atmosphere was obviously tense. Steph was pleased though, that everyone had made the effort to comply, at least in part, with her grandma's wishes. The girls wore brightly coloured dresses that they knew their great grandma had liked, the men had on regular suits and Val had gone for polka dots. However, it was her mom that made Steph stop. Helen had on a lovely emerald green dress and jacket but it was the large white daisy in the button hole that really made Steph stop and stare. Out of them all, it was her mom that Steph thought would struggle most with the dress code – after all it wasn't respectful to not dress in black to go to a funeral.

Helen looked at her youngest daughter.

"Too much?" she asked warily.

Steph shook her head.

"Perfect," she answered. "In fact…"

Steph gazed around the room and spotted what she was looking for. Disappearing into the kitchen, she came back with a pair of scissors and went to the vase of daisies that were in the centre of the dining room table. She cut herself a bloom and placed it in her buttonhole too.

"What about me?" asked Val.

"Us too!" chimed in the MA and Angie. Little Lisa looked at the flower and pointed.

By the time Steph had given everyone their flower they all turned to the vase of decimated, headless daisy stalks and laughed.

The mood was brought to a sudden halt by the ringing of the door bell. Steph knew it was a little early to be the hearse but was pleasantly surprised to see Lester at the door, looking incredibly handsome in his black suit and green tie and handkerchief combo a la Carlos. Steph threw her arms around him.

"Les, you didn't have to come, but thank you so much."

Lester hugged her for a moment then gently pushed her back from him, looking from her to Carlos.

"Steph, we hope you don't mind, but me and the guys, well we kind of thought that, if it's okay with you and the family, we'd like to escort Edna to her final resting place.

Steph bit back the lump in her throat. She hugged Lester again.

"Of course it is. We'd be honoured and grandma would be thrilled," she answered just managing to cover the crack in her voice.

Just at that point a shout came from the living room. It was MA.

"Wow! Guys you just HAVE to see this."

Steph looked toward her nieces voice but Lester moved back allowing Steph to see through the front door.

There standing at parade rest, were most of the men from RangeMan. Each one was wearing a black suit but with different coloured ties and breast pocket handkerchief. Behind them a fleet of pristine black SUVs headed by the Harley Fat Boy that Edna had ridden to Atlantic City on. Right on cue the hearse and accompanying car pulled up. Neighbours had come out, some ready to join with the family, others to watch the spectacle. Steph had to smile. Even in her death, grandma was leaving the Burg something to talk about.

The procession that made their way to the church was like nothing Trenton had ever seen. The shiny black hearse had coloured ribbon on the front of it, making it look like a strange wedding car and this was echoed by the one that followed. As soon as she had gotten in to the car the magnitude of the day hit Steph even harder. She had to keep it together, she just had to. She wouldn't let her grandma down. Val had been finding it difficult since she'd heard about their grandmother being ill, which had been one of the reasons that they had all agreed that the girls and Albert would ride with Carlos. Angie especially had been very sensitive to her mother being so upset but had cried her tears with her. MA though, had retreated into herself, communicating solely in whinnies and snorts. It had been Bobby who had suggested giving her a toy unicorn, 'someone' she could relate and talk to. When Val said that she already had horses, Bobby had explained that the unicorn was a magical creature and that she should introduce it as such, that MA would understand even though she was old enough to know better. It had worked. A relieved Val reported that as she had gone to bed one night she had heard MA telling her new friend all about granny and how she was gone to be with Jesus now, but that was okay because the bad bug couldn't hurt her any more.

ooOoo

Father Daniel, a favourite of Edna's, was officiating at the service. He welcomed the family and led them to their seats. RangeMen were acting as unofficial ushers, which was just as well as the church was packed. Carlos took his place next to Stephanie and not a moment too soon. The music began and Father Daniel motioned for everyone to stand as the casket was bought in and placed on a stand next to a montage of pictures of grandma dating from her wedding to one taken just a week or so ago with four generations of women from the Bodor/Mazur line in it, including little Lisa.

Steph got through the majority of the service deep inside herself, back on autopilot, sitting, standing, kneeling and curtseying in the right places but feeling nothing. Was this how Carlos and the guys were when they were on a mission she found herself wondering? It was only when Ram and Manny appeared to put up a large screen that she was shaken back into the church. Instead of the traditional eulogy, which Edna never cared for, they were going to do something completely different. Father Daniel introduced Edna by saying that he really had no words that were adequate to describe her, which caused a rumble of chuckling amongst the congregation, and because of that he felt that there was a better way of paying tribute to Edna.

As the lights of the church dimmed and the white screen spluttered in to colour Steph felt Carlos squeeze her hand. When she had suggested this, he had taken it on as his contribution, knowing that the family was not yet up to going through the pictures. Of course, all the guys had taken an interest and this dvd was born. The images that came up were stunning. Grandma as a young girl, with her own parents, on her wedding day, with her new baby and then with her grand daughters. The stills switched to videos, many of which had been converted from cine, but even so, seeing her grandma playing with her and Val, at birthday parties, Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners both with and without grandpa, had Steph's rapt attention. The video quality then changed and the newer images came in. Grandma in her signature bright pink velour tracksuits with almost matching hair and at the senior social events with her friends. Suddenly the images came up of Edna dressed up in Atlantic City, sitting with Steph, dancing with Bobby, sitting on the back of Ram's motorcycle, eating an ice cream on the boardwalk at Point Pleasant and then feeling Lester's huge biceps, a massive smile on her face, wiggling her eyebrows watching the beach volleyball and laughing over brunch with the guys. The presentation ended with pictures of Edna and her family, including some beautiful shots with MA, Angie and Lisa from the garden at St Luke's before the last image of a smiling, healthy Edna stayed on the screen, the date of her birth and death fading in.

Something then happened which Steph had never witnessed before at a funeral. As the last image of Edna was left on the screen, the congregation began to applaud, getting louder and louder.

"Look Babe, turn around," encouraged Carlos.

Slowly looking around her, Stephanie saw the packed church applauding her grandma, some crying but most smiling or laughing, including Val and her mom, even through their tears. It truly was a celebration of her life – just what she had wanted.

Father Daniel was eventually able to speak again, thanking everyone for coming and reminding those that were going to the committal to leave as soon as possible. As the pallbearers came to take the casket the strains of a familiar song began to play. Steph happened to catch Joe's eye and he couldn't stop the huge grin that came across his face as Ol' Blue Eyes began to sing 'My Way'.

The service had been wonderful – well the bit she remembered anyway – but the worst was still to come. So far she had been able to divorce herself from much of it, and even now, looking around the people that had joined them on the last part of Edna's journey, it looked more like a wedding than a funeral, lending to that feeling of distance.

As the priest said the final prayers and the attendants came to lower the casket, Stephanie felt her whole body stiffen with tension and the urge to run, far, far away threatened to overwhelm her. Only the strong arm around her waist kept her in place, taking most of her weight, leaning her back into his rock solid body, giving her the warmth and support she so desperately needed.

"It's okay Babe, just breath – I've got you," he whispered to her over and over.

Steph wanted to stop the proceedings and yell that they couldn't do that - it was her grandma and they couldn't do that, but his words were like a mantra in her head and along with his physical anchor, she managed to keep quiet, the mixture of rage and debilitating sorrow warring inside of her. Once the casket was in place and the final prayers said, Helen and Val stepped forward to say their final goodbyes and throw more flowers cueing others to do the same. Steph though, couldn't move and for a fraction of a second a wave of awkwardness settled as the mourners waited for her, until, as one, Mary Lou and Joe moved forward having recognised Steph's pain and so led the way for the others.

It took what seemed like forever, but eventually only Steph and Carlos were left at the graveside. Steph tilted her head towards Carlos and began to try to say something. He placed a soft kiss on her lips and began to walk away.

"I'll be right over here Babe. Take as long as you need."

He walked towards Tank and then, like his other men who were there, turned his back on Steph, to give her the privacy she needed, all of them positioned to form a protective ring around her.

On her own for what seemed like the first time in weeks, having promised to be strong and not run away, having bottled it all up, suddenly took its toll. She looked down at the flower strewn casket that held her grandmother and couldn't do it any more. She sank to her knees, tears streaming down her face. It all came out, weeks of worry and hope and laughter and sadness. God, the sadness. It ate into her gut so that she swore she could physically feel it feeding on her, greedy for as much as it could get. Anger, fear, helplessness, hurt came at her in waves until there was no more to give. Not now at least. She didn't know exactly how long she had knelt at the graveside sobbing quietly, but it felt like hours. She felt rather than heard Carlos come to her side. He knelt beside her and slid an arm around her shoulders.

"Babe, we should be getting to the reception, but if you don't want to go, I can call your mom, or send Lester to give her a message."

Steph rubbed her face and looked at him, her big blue eyes filled with sadness.

"No, thank you. I need to be there."

He nodded and helped her up. They did their best to brush down the mud from their clothes – fortunately the weather had been dry – cleaned her face as much as possible and headed for the reception.

It was a wonderful reception, everyone was well catered for and being extremely kind. The donations for St Luke's were huge and some of the flowers that had been given would also be going. The family had asked the florists to deliberately make some of the orders up in bouquet form so that they could be taken to the hospice as obviously they would not want anything that was clearly a funeral arrangement.

Steph had managed to pull herself together enough to make the polite rounds that she needed to although to see and hear people eating and drinking, laughing and joking, telling funny stories about grandma and the family, even though they were respectful, stuck in her craw. She knew it shouldn't because this is exactly what Edna wanted, but she couldn't help it. These people were enjoying themselves when her grandma had died! All she wanted to do now was to get out of here as soon as possible.

As she was debating her escape route, a familiar voice called her name. Turning around she was thrilled to see Anne and June. Running over to them she flung her arms around Anne who held on to her tightly and stroked her hair. June shielded them from any prying eyes and then took her turn hugging Steph and telling her how very sorry she was. Anne looked up to see Carlos' fixed gaze on them – his eyes had searched out Stephanie every ten seconds since they'd been here she had noticed – but she nodded a 'no' to him. He stared at her briefly and inclined his head in acknowledgement. She knew he would be watching though.

Pulling Steph aside, the women let her talk, let her explain her frustration at what was happening. Very gently they began to calm her, telling her that what she was feeling was totally appropriate, not uncommon and completely normal. June shared that she had wanted to kick everyone out within seconds at her husband's funeral as it felt like they were all using her pain for a party. But then she had realised that that was how she wanted him remembered; in laughter and fun, for the man that he had been, the good things he had brought to peoples' lives. Steph nodded her understanding and did visibly calm.

The women told her that the grieving process was different for everyone and may be just starting for her, but that it was alright. They told her that if she wanted to, she could speak to someone at the hospice, a bereavement counsellor and that that would help. June also gave her her number if she wanted to talk. Anne

technically was not allowed to, but then said with a smile that it didn't matter because June had it anyway. They also said that, if she thought it would help, they could arrange for either Anne, or Dr Olsen to go through all the medical stuff with her or the family and explain, step by step how the illness progressed and why they made the choices that they did. It was up to her and the rest of the family.

Steph thanked the ladies and then took them to see her mom and sister. Eventually, people began to leave and Steph was showing clear signs of having really had enough. Carlos swept in this time, not even asking her if she wanted to stay longer and insisted on taking her home. She said a swift goodbye to the family, gave an extra big hug to the girls, telling them how proud she was of them today, and let herself be shepherded from the hall.

An hour later she was showered, dressed in sweats and a tee and curled up with Carlos on the sofa, watching a dvd with a large piece of Ella's chocolate cake which she actually felt like eating for the first time in ages.

Suddenly getting up and pausing Ghostbusters she turned to Carlos.

"Thank you," she said quietly. "I couldn't have done this without you Carlos, any of it."

He began to speak but she shook her head violently.

"No, I need to say this, please let me. You promised me you'd be there for me and as usual, you've gone above and beyond. The trip, the support, the guys, the time, the expense, everything. You're and amazing man Carlos Manoso and I love you."

She stopped him from replying by leaning across and kissing him before snuggling back down and turning the dvd back on.

It may be a long time before this gnawing ache inside her went, but at least she knew she wasn't in this alone, that her man, the man that she loved and who loved her back, would be always there.

A/N2: So here's the thing. This seems like a natural end to me, but if you would like a one off epilogue then please let me know – I don't want to push past the sell by date as it were. Thanks again for taking the time to review either as a ff member or a guest.