Chapter 13: Twenty Questions
She knew we were in Missoula the entire time.
"Of course I knew! Why else do you think I called you five times in one afternoon? Am I some sort of crazy stalker girlfriend? No! But when I watched the Weather Channel and noticed that you two were in the middle of a giant blizzard, I thought I might offer to help," she ranted. "I couldn't find either of you, and where else would you have gone other than the city? You've both been so well-behaved; it was only a matter of time before you cracked. But who am I to tell you not to go? It would have been nice if you had shared your plans with me, instead of trying to hide them." She sighed. "I'm glad you're safe. Really. But I'm still angry."
Secretly, I was overjoyed. I hadn't seen her show this much emotion in weeks. I would gladly be the target of her anger if it meant she stopped turning it inwards on herself.
"We're sorry, Sydney. Really. We shouldn't have done this. We won't lie to you again. We won't go off on any more adventures at all. That one was more than enough for me." I paused to glare at the back of Adrian's head before addressing Sydney again. "Hey, I didn't know you had Latte here! How did you manage that? Students aren't supposed to have cars."
A shadow of a smile crossed her lips. "He's been parked in a clearing in the woods just outside campus. I had a shovel in the trunk in case something like this happened and I had to dig him out of the snow."
"But how did you get outside the gates of the Academy?"
"Told the guardian I was on official business for Kirova. That's why it pays to be a good kid, Rose. People trust you."
"You're breaking the rules for us?" I was truly touched.
"Yeah, I am," she answered. "You owe me."
"Oh, Sage," Adrian teased. "We're really, really grateful, but you gotta admit you're having fun. You miss driving, and who wouldn't want to spend two hours in a car with me and Hathaway?"
"Me," she answered. "You two reek of alcohol. I think it's coming out your pores by now. And you look like hell. Yes, you too, Adrian." She pulled into a gas station. "We need to get you both some water bottles."
When we got back on the road after a quick break that included several cigarettes for Adrian, he and I were much happier. Sydney shook her head at us munching on gas station hotdogs made of mystery meat. We hadn't bothered to try to get her a snack, even a small one. We did owe her a favor, whether we liked it or not, and there was nothing she'd want more than a free pass to skip meals. Judging by her extra pale face and the way her hands shook a little bit on the steering wheel, she had taken full advantage of our absence and not eaten all day. Adrian kept casting nervous glances at her. I knew he and I would have to have a conversation in the near future. There was a strong possibility that I would be the one to confront her about forging our signatures.
After hiding Latte down the street, we trudged silently through the snow back to the gates. We were quite a trio. Adrian's eyes were bloodshot, his hair messier than usual, and he did indeed smell like a distillery. Sydney still wore a furious look on her face, her small body shivering in the cold. I ran a hand through my tangled hair and knew I couldn't look much better than either of them. My makeup was probably smudged to the point of looking like I had a black eye. The wind blew Adrian's cigarette smoke straight into my face and I didn't even complain.
"Did you run into a bear or something?" asked Daniel, the guardian at the gate.
I shrugged. "Or something."
Back inside the wards, I headed straight for guest housing. I expected Adrian to follow me, but he and Sydney kept walking without saying a word to me. I was happy to leave them to whatever conversation they needed to have. The less I was involved, the better. A warm shower had never felt so good. I had just changed into flannel pajamas and crawled into bed when my phone rang. I groaned. It seemed like forever since I had last slept, and the alcohol had long since worn off. But it was only dinnertime in the Moroi world, and Dimitri had no reason to think I'd be asleep.
"Hey Dimka," I answered. "How are you?"
"What's wrong?" he asked immediately. He knew me too well. "You sound exhausted."
There was no point in lying. "I may or may not have gotten stranded in Missoula because of a blizzard. I just got back. What have you been up to?"
"What were you doing in Missoula?"
"Nothing important. How was work today? What's the weather like there? Have you seen Lissa? I haven't talked to her in a few days. How is she?"
"Good try," he said. "How's the hangover?"
"It's fine. Are we done playing twenty questions now?" I snapped. My headache throbbed just behind my eyes and my stomach churned.
"No, we're not. Because I don't like how defensive you get. What's gotten into you, Roza? This isn't the woman I fell in love with."
"Well, are you going to leave me then? Because this is who I am." I knew I sounded stupid and I didn't care.
"Never. The last thing I want to do is leave you. You know what I want to do right now? I want to get on a plane to Montana right now and hold you tightly and tell you that everything will be okay. I don't know if that's true, and I don't know what demons you're fighting right now, but I do know that you shouldn't have to be alone."
"You can't. The runway is buried under all of this snow." I hoped he couldn't hear my voice crack. Tears were running down my face and I suppressed a sob.
"I know that," he said gently. "But if I could be there, I would. I'll let you go, Roza. Please just get some sleep."
He was being so sweet. I thought of my moment in the hotel room with Adrian and felt a fresh surge of guilt. My stomach heaved suddenly and violently. "I love you. I'll call you tomorrow." I hung up the phone before he could say goodbye, stumbled into the bathroom, and threw up on the floor. I stayed there on my hands and knees until I was done, then hugged my knees to my chest and fell to the other side. I had never been such a mess in my life, not even when Mason died and I killed my first Strigoi. I was just a blob of sadness and guilt and hangover, a puddle on the bathroom floor. I didn't know how any man could ever want me. It was all just too much.
You're disgusting, said the voice. Just look at yourself, hungover and sick and undeserving of all the love you've been given. You're a slut, a bitch, a monster. Sit with the pain. You deserve it. I pressed my face into the cold tile floor and sobbed. I pulled the bath mat over me like a blanket and crashed into the sweet relief of deep, dreamless sleep.
Author's Note: Okay, I lied—turns out the next chapter will be the M-rated for sexytimes chapter. Not this one, clearly. I wanted a little bit of Rose's point of the view of the aftermath of the Missoula trip. Sydney's, the chapter I originally intended to write, is next.