Chapter 14: Am I in or out?

Thank you Phoebe44 for being my comma ninja, my crusader and long-time friend.

Thank you Tarbecca from A Different Forest for mentioning this little fic on the site.

Thank you all for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback.

This is the last EPOV for a while. Next one will be Bella's.

Edward

She's skittish.

She doesn't take compliments well.

She's infuriating.

She's adorable.

She's hurt. So hurt. I'm second guessing my desire to pursuit her.

I don't know if I can take it on. That hurt behind her eyes, I can see it more clearly now. I'm carrying so much of my own that I don't know if I can get involved in hers too and come out unscathed.

But I don't think I can help it. She's like gravity to me. Her pull is undeniable.

Friday started out disastrously. I've been on edge all week so when I finally saw Isabella at school, I projected all my pent up anxiety into her. Our interaction could have gone better. I mean, I'm trying to get her to open up to me and what do I do? I yell and hiss at her for thinking she owes us for Dad's house call.

Real smooth, Cullen.

I didn't get to see her in biology. I guess she had to make up some test or something she missed Wednesday and took it in the library. Mr. Banner told me of this after he saw me doing today's experiment alone, again. I still haven't had her as my lab partner. I hope that will change soon.

I hurried outside as soon as the last bell rang to see if I could find her. I needed to apologize and tell her about the upcoming midterm project. I could kiss Mr. Banner for that. He gave me an in with her she couldn't avoid.

So I channeled my charming self and apologized. I think I flustered her a bit. Made her uncomfortable too, but I think that's unavoidable. Again, she's so skittish. Maybe that's only with me? I don't know.

She was in my house. Isabella Swan was in my home, sat with me in the dining room and we proceeded to work on our biology project. To say I was nervous is an understatement. And that's the thing. I don't get nervous, especially around girls. What's to be nervous about, right?

But I was.

And in my nervousness, I got exasperated with her. God! She's clumsy. And also, I noticed she's spaces out at the weirdest times.

Okay, I admit I was waiting for her to arrive. I think I've been ready and waiting for her for at least an hour, looking out the window by the door every five minutes. I felt such relief when her monster of a truck appeared and stopped in front of my house. In the back of my mind, there was that nagging though she probably wouldn't show up.

But she did.

And then, she made me wait some more because she wouldn't get out of her truck. I mean, what the hell!

Finally, I had enough, opened the door and stood outside the porch thinking maybe she's not sure about the address and that's the reason she won't come out. But it wasn't. I stood there, and she just stayed put. I walked down to the driver's side door and she didn't even bat an eyelash. She still kept starring toward the house.

She's either daydreaming, spaced out, or having a brain aneurysm. I'm hoping for the first one and that it's about me…

So of course, I scared the hell out of her by tapping on her window; lightly might I add, but she hit her head. I stifled my laughter because I figured she wouldn't appreciate it.

And I couldn't help it. She looked like she was in pain, so I tried to see if there was any blood. I wanted to touch her, soothe her pain away, hold her, anything. But she wouldn't have it. She jerked back and snapped at me, and my response wasn't any better. I got frustrated with her because she wouldn't let me help.

And that's what I want. That's all I want.

I know that she doesn't know me. But I want her to.

I don't know if she has a middle name; what her favorite flower is; does likes to read; what kind of music does she listen to. These are things that I want to know… and everything else, too. What causes the sadness I see behind her eyes…How I can make it go away…

But I didn't get to find out any of those things. Between my nervousness-now- turned-frustration and talk about the assignment, two hours flew by and she was leaving.

And it became awkward. And I, nervous. And stuttered and stumbled through a diner invitation because I didn't want her to leave. I wanted to talk to her, get to know her a bit better but she said she had plans. Ugh!

And then, I realized I didn't even offer her a glass of water the whole two hours we've been researching. Nothing! Where the fuck did my manners go? My mom raised me better than that. She probably thinks I'm such a prick!

And if that's not enough, I ended our meeting by yelling at her. Jesus! I am a prick. It's just that she's always saying that damn phrase. 'It's okay.'

She is so infuriating.

No, Isabella, it's not okay! Not until you let me in. Not until you let me make it better. Because I know I can. At least, I want to try.

I bet her smile is amazing. I've never seen it. God knows I want to.

I can't wait to listen to her laugh.

I want to make her laugh; at me or with me, it doesn't matter.

Okay. So new mission in life: Make Isabella laugh.

What did I get myself into?

She was going to jump last night.

If I hadn't gotten there in time… I don't want to think about it.

I was bored and anxious at home, so I decided to go for a drive. I drove through town, passing her house along the way. All lights were out. I decided to keep going, finding myself navigating through the winding roads of the cliffs leading to the beach.

I saw her truck parked beside the road. Nobody could miss that monstrosity.

And instinct kicked in. I don't remember parking or getting out of my car. I don't remember running. I just remember asking myself why she would decide to here so late at night? And with who? Because surely she wouldn't be here at night alone.

Yet, there she was. Alone, apparently drunk and standing at the edge of a cliff.

I screamed her name again and again until she turned around. My heart was coming out of my chest. Confusion marred her beautiful face but just for a couple of seconds. Then all I saw was anger. Murderous, fury-filled anger seeped from her eyes, her mouth and her stance. I think she would have thrown me off the cliffs at that moment if I were standing any closer.

I was panicking before realizing what was going on. No other soul was around. How could she come here to drink all by herself? Didn't she realize how dangerous that was?

But then I started to get angry. An anger more intense and raw than the one emanating off her. Because yes, she knew and she came anyway.

She made the decision to come here and do this to herself.

What the fuck happened between leaving my house and this? Because I'm fairly confident she didn't leave my house feeling suicidal.

Right?

Right, okay. So something happened.

Do I want to get in the middle of this? Do I want to know this side of her? Because it doesn't look good.

I don't think this is a cry for attention. She doesn't like that, at all. I've seen in it in the way she puts on that mask every day. Trying to blend in and fade away from sight. And the sad part was she almost succeeded.

Almost, because I saw.

And while she was ranting and raving, I made a decision. I need to see this through. I need to see if I can do this. I have to try and convince her that she can trust me. That she can let me in. That I won't hurt her like others have.

It's going to be difficult. I understand that. But my gut tells me I have to. I feel like if I don't, I'll miss out. On what, I don't know. But I'll always think about it, about her and wonder: what if. What if I tried a little harder, stuck it out, let her get to know me, albeit little by little?

And as I looked at her, still ranting I might add, I know I have to be careful. I have to convince her to give me a chance without making her run away from me.

She needs to see me. Just me. And that's what I'll show her. If she gives me the chance to, that is.

"Okay," I said to myself but apparently out loud because she then asked,

"Okay what?" she said with just a little desperation in her tone.

I just look at her… and all the possibilities run through my mind.

I feel myself smirk. Here goes….everything.

"So, what are we drinking?"