CHAPTER 14

We had to stop and camp out for the night. We set up tents by some large rocks to block out the freezing wind. I had to share a tent with the Erudite girl and the female Dauntless guard. We were setting up our bedding and about to go to sleep.

"So what are your names?" The Erudite girl asks.

I glance up at her, seeing her wide observant eyes glowing gold in the lantern light. "I'm Tris," I say quietly, then looking over at the other girl.

"Mikki." She says, her bright pink hair hanging over her eyes.

"Well, I'm Carmindy," the Erudite says, looking down at her clasped hands. There is silence for a few moments until she speaks in a quivering voice. "I always wanted to be in Dauntless, but I was too scared to transfer. But now I guess I got to live my dream."

At first, I don't know what she us talking about. But then I recognize her. She was one of the Erudite that lived in Dauntless. I had seen her a few times before, always dressed in tight black clothes, showing off her many tattoos. I had always thought she was just another Dauntless. She must have adapted quickly.

"Well, that dream is over now," Mikki say bluntly, turning around and slipping under her mound of blankets. The hurt is obvious on Carmindy's face, but she shakes it off, turning back to me.

"So, what is going on with you and that other guy, Tris?" Her hands don't stop figitting, playing with the frayed edge of her blanket, picking at her finger nails, twiddling her thumbs. It drives me crazy.

"Yeah, you and Four used to be the couple." Mikki suddenly becomes interested in the conversation again.

I suck in a deep breath, trying to keep myself calm. "Oh, we just broke up."

"Why? You were so cute together. And you sure didn't look broken up when you were sleeping on him." She smiles widely, showing one of her front teeth to be missing, which is common in Dauntless.

"It- It's complicated." I keep my eyes locked on the lantern, trying to keep myself from crying.

"Well, I hope you get everything sorted out," Carmindy says, twirling the ends of her long dark hair between her fingers. If only she new what was really going on between me and Tobias. I turn over towards the wall of the tent, pulling my blanket up to my chin, trying to block everything out.

I don't sleep. The ground beneath me is hard and lumpy. The sounds of outdoors pierce through my daze between alertness and darkness. I become too uncomfortable to lay here until dawn, so I slip out from my cocoon of blankets and step carefully around the sleeping girls, trying to unzip the door flap as quietly as possible.

Outside, I see a crackling fire a few tents down, a lone figure sitting beside it. I don't feel like talking, but it is bitterly cold, and I didn't think to bring a blanket out with me. I walk barefoot across the stone ground, wrapping my arms tightly around myself to stop the shivers. My breath steams in the air. The fire throws golden light and flickering shadows across the stones. I walk around and sit a few feet away from the other person. Their face is hidden by shadows, and they were smart enough to bring a blanket with them.

"Couldn't sleep?" I ask, trying to warm myself by the fire, but it doesn't make much difference.

"No," a familiar voice answers, the figure turning to reveal their face. Tobias stares at me with his deep blue eyes, shining in the firelight. I suck in a deep breath of frigid air, leaning backwards on my hands to stop me from scrambling away. I don't need to be afraid of him. He doesn't want to hurt me.
"Oh, me either," I say, trying to sound casual. But instead, my voice shakes: partly from the cold, partly from the shock. There is a moment of silence, then Tobias speaks again, still looking at me with an unreadable expression.

"You know, Tris, I am unbelievably sorry. There is no way to express how sorry I am."

"That doesn't change what you did."

"I know. I regret doing that to you every minute of everyday. I wish that I could change the past, but what I really need to do is change myself." He tears his gaze away from me, looking off into the barren terrain shrouded by darkness.

"We all need to change. The war scarred us, molding us into people we aren't."

"Do you think that you could love me again? If I changed?"

My head snaps up and I look into his eyes again, which are full of now full of hidden sadness. I am so startled by the question that it leaves me speechless. How am I supposed to answer that? If I say something wrong, I could lose him. But if I don't say anything, I could lose him.

"I . . . I." I can't seem to form words. I still love you, I want to say. "I don't know. I would have to change myself." I think about the knife in my pocket, the cuts and scars on my arms. I can feel each one individually, representing my pain, sadness, emptiness. I know that doing this to myself is bad, but I can't stop. That is the first thing I would need to change.

"But how to change is the question. Change doesn't just happen. It takes time. It takes effort," he says, his voice calm and steady. It was that voice that talked me through my hard times, that kept me afloat in this ocean of depression. But without that voice these past weeks, I have spiraled down into the darkness, and I can't find a way out.

I nod my head, moving closer to the fire, though I am almost sitting in it. Tobias must also notice this, along with my vicious shivers and chattering teeth. He slowly and cautiously scoots over to me, like I am a cornered animal; moving so he can wrap his thick blanket around my shoulders. But when his arm touches my back, I instantly tense up, and he quickly moves away just far enough to were we aren't touching. I just close my eyes, burying my face in my knees, afraid to talk, to let my thoughts and emotions free from the vault in my mind that they have been locked in. So we just sit there under the blanket, the only noise being the crackling fire and the loud snores of the other Divergent. We sit there until the sun rises and the fire is almost burnt out; and the others start to emerge from their tents, yawning and stretching, ready to eat breakfast and continue the journey. But I am not ready. I don't want to leave. I don't want to go to a new place. I am not ready to change. I don't want to.

I stand up and walk back to my tent without saying a word or even looking at Tobias.