A/N As usual, I remain very sorry for my failure to update in a timely fashion. College as it turns out is very, very hard. Thus updates have been few and far between. I shall try to rectify that this summer however.
In answer to a reviewer: I got my spoinkle at a Winds souvenir shop in Florida, they do exist, they are not actually called spoinkles that is just want I named it. :)
Thanks to all Reviewers!
Dedication: To Padfoot197 my 200th reviewer! :)
Disclaimer: I own nada.
November Edition:
Key:
Bold- Sirius
Italicized- Remus
Underlined - Peter
Regular- James
Bold/Italicized – Lily
Bold/Underline-Marcas
Italics/Underline-Marlene
Bold/Italics/Underline-Arkie
Bold/Italicized/Underlined-Ads/Pranks/Letters asking for advice
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.
Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs present the Marauders Monday
Magazine: A Guide to Life at Hogwarts. (Results may vary).
Welcome back to the November edition of our magazine, which strangely enough is going to have a theme revolving around relationships, I know that's supposed to be more of a February thing, but when James comes and talks in a minute, well, you'll see why.
IT IS I, JAMES POTTER, WITH SOME AMAZING NEWS! THAT'S RIGHT, MY LILYFLOWER HAS AGREED TO DATE ME, WE HAVE NOW BEEN GOING OUT FOR TWO WEEKS, THREE DAYS, 11 HOURS, FIVE MINUTES, AND THIRTY-ONE SECONDS.
Stalker much?
You're just cranky because you're still not talking to Marlene.
Bite me.
Ignore him. I always do. Now, get on with the prank, we have a lot to get to today.
Today's prank is centered on our current theme of LOVE! And is as follows: if you know two people who are totally meant to be together, do us all a favor and lock them in the nearest broom closet, make sure a simple Alohamora won't get them out, and if possible that they don't even have their wands.
Love is a vicious lie perpetuated by the greeting card industry.
He's just a bundle of sunshine today, isn't he?
Let's just move on.
'Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black, and James Potter, henceforth known as the Marauders, are not responsible for any loss of self-confidence, loss of limb, or loss of life that may result from using any of their pranks, furthermore, in the most 'official' sense of the term, we do not condone the use of any of these pranks on your fellow students (we're obligated to say this for legal reasons, however…),therefore in the event that your use of any of the pranks or ideas suggested within the pages of this magazine is not the responsibility of the Marauders.'
And, now we take you to advice from the Marauder's!
Marauders, or highly obnoxious brats (besides Remus and Peter), James, Sirius I am going to hurt you, emotionally. James I'm telling Lily about your photo album of her in the shower, and in bikini's. Don't think I don't know about that. Sirius, I have it on good authority that you love your spoinkle. Almost as much as Marlene, I will find it, don't think I won't, introduce her to a male spoinkle and they will get married and forget all about you. Now that that's over, why does it have to be Snape, just because YOU don't like him doesn't mean everyone else doesn't. I could have been talking about Peter you know. No offense Peter your cute and all, much more then James and Sirius at least. Thank you very much Remus I shall do that. But what if he never forgets her? I mean he practically loves her. No scratch that he does love her. You shall find your chocolate delivered to you tonight by the way. It's not that I don't love it, I'm allergic to it. My mother just wants to kill me, almost as much as Sirius's family wants to off him. And James if your mother sends SIRIUS of all people more chocolate something is wrong there. Seriously wrong. Sirius, just know that what that thing did to me was emotionally and mentally traumatizing! I'll never forget how scared I was! Also I have not been confunded nor am I delusional! You are for not telling Marlene you love her! Homicidal-Gryffindor. P.S. I will do my threats above, LILY! JAMES HAS NAKED PICS OF YOU! And a lock of your hair he sniffs at night!
(the above letter is credited to who dunit why I dunit)
Dear Homicidal-Gryffindor,
I am on top of the world right now (BECAUSE LILY SAID YES! BELIEVE IT!), and thus your insults and threats to not faze me. And, I will have you know that my Lily thinks that I am quite handsome, and I also think that it is very sad that my mother likes Sirius better than me. Do you know that just the other day she sent him a whole package of chocolate and other treats, because she heard he was fighting with Marlene? And do you know what she sent me? A note demanding that I get them to stop fighting! As if this was somehow my fault. They are both just too stubborn for their own good. Anyway, uh, good luck with your 'non-Snape crush' although I'm pretty sure that you definitely like Snape (why I don't know). And, I wish I had a photo album like that, sadly I can't get into the girl's dormitories to accomplish that. And, she gave me that lock of hair!
By that do you mean that it broke off when she attempted to strangle you with her own hair?
Just because you're alone and miserable doesn't mean you should take it out on the rest of us. (You're beginning to sound like Remus, no offense).
No offense to him or me?
I think he actually meant Sirius.
I really think I'm the one suffering more, as if he could ever sound like me. Anyway, on to the advice dispensing. Homicidal-Gryffindor, well if your crush is who Sirius and James seem to think it is, I'm sure that continuing to threaten them will serve to endear you to him at the very least. Eventually, he will get over this girl, since it doesn't seem she has any interest in him, and then you will have a chance at a good relationship with him, as opposed to a rebound-type relationship that you would have if you try to get between him and this girl in the meantime. (And thank you for the chocolate).
I love my spoinkle far more than I love that traitor. And as if you would ever be able to find my spoinkle in the first place. Many have tried, all have failed, remember that.
If you couldn't tell, Sirius is in a very bad mood, he has been for weeks now, ever since he tried to talk to Marlene and they ended up fighting again-
Shut up, Peter, did I tell you to inform the readers of the situation between myself and that traitor?
Well, no…
We should probably just move on before this whole thing gets any worse, shall we?
Dear Marauders, I don't need advice. Instead, I have some advice for you. Sirius- STOP BEING OBLIVIOUS. You and Marlene like each other and would make a cute couple. You always freak out at the suggestion that she likes someone else- have you ever thought that it's because you're JEALOUS? If you think I'm crazy, just ask the other Marauders. They've all noticed it. James- STOP STALKING LILY. I dare you to go the entire next issue without mentioning her name, or using code names. No mentioning her in any way, shape, or form. Once you've stopped being so obsessive, she might go out with you. Peter and Remus- Sorry, no advice for you, because I know nothing about your love lives. Try to keep sane around those two. -Matchmaker
(the above letter is credited to ariex04)
Dear Non-Matchmaker,
I am calling you non-matchmaker, because you are clearly delusional. I don't even like that person in any way, let alone in a romantic one. I tried to be a good friend to her, but she didn't want that. Instead she wanted to go off and date jerks, and whatever that's her choice. Okay. So, I don't know where you got this idea that we like each other, because it's clearly false.
-Sirius
Dear Matchmaker,
He's a bit sensitive about the whole Marlene thing at the moment if you couldn't tell.
Am Not!
Sure. Anyway, I think that you are very clearly wrong, because my Lilyflower, finally agreed to date me, thus proving that persistence pays off! So, ha!
Is he actually bragging that he harassed someone until they finally gave in and dated him?
It does appear that way.
I will have you know that Lily happens to like me a lot!
I know; it's very odd.
What's that supposed to mean?
I'm thinking he means that it's very odd that she likes you.
Why is that odd? Lots of people like me! I will have you know that I am a very likeable person, indeed.
Uh-huh keep telling yourself that. And, on that note let's move on and see what other letters we have to answer this issue.
Dear Messrs M.W.P.P, What is wrong with Padfoot? Has he always been like this? Maybe he should go freeze himself after he drinks coffee? That should stop Moony from trying to kill him. And Moony, we all know that you REALLY love chocolate, so just limit yourself with it. Prongs, just give Lily a break! If you keep coming after her, you will never get her! Wormtail, go get some new friends and the same goes to you, Moony. Padfoot and Prongs will drive you insane and you won't get good grades because of them. Don't kill me please. Love, MSM
(the above letter is credited to Misty Willow Black-Snape)
What's wrong with Sirius? Too many things to enumerate, although we did try a few issues ago.
The only thing wrong with me is that SOME people go around acting as though they don't need any help from anyone, they're too busy being stubborn all of the time, and they can't ever accept GOOD advice, from a concerned FRIEND.
I'm sure that if such advice were ever actually given, that person would have gladly accepted it.
Are you implying something?
Which brings me right back to something else that is wrong with him, he totally cannot take a hint, about anything, ever, which is the reason we are all living in this hell in the first place. I have never seen such obliviousness. In answer to your other concerns however (although I do think it's strange that it seems more readers are now offering us advice, than asking for any themselves), I can limit my chocolate intake…anytime I want…I just choose not to. Furthermore, Peter and I, or at least I, have other friends.
Yes, he's very close to Dorcas, very, very close, if you catch my drift.
Shut up, James.
I'm just saying…
Well, just stop saying then.
Sheesh, some people are just too touchy…uhm, judging by the looks of homicidal rage being shot at me by both Remus and Sirius I am going to choose to move on, right about now…
Very wise.
Dear Marlene, BACK OFF BLUDSROD IS MINE! MINE MINE MINE MINE! I HAVE CLASSES WITH YOU AND IF I SEE YOU EVEN GLANCE AT HIM I WILL ERASE ALL THE NOTES YOU HAVE PAINSTAKINGLY TAKEN IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE NOTEBOOKS IN YOUR BAG- EVEN TRANSFIGURATION AND THEN I'LL TELL EVERYONE I SAW YOU AND THAT SLYTHERIN MINDY JUMP-ME-OR-ELSE-I'LL-NEVER-GET-ANY-ACTION SHAGGING IN THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENTS AND THAT FROM WHAT I SAW IT WASN'T THAT GOOD ANYWAY! AND I'LL LET YOUR BROTHERS KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN UP TO! SO WATCH OUT p.s. Sirius would you like to go to the next Hogsmeade weekend with me? I have no plans as of yet and I think you're really cute
(the above note is credited to livin and breathin)
Oh dear.
Shall I fetch Marlene…?
I'm not really sure that's the best idea.
Too late!
Hello, Remus, James, Peter.
Did you hear something, Prongs, or was that just the wind; perhaps someone should shut the window, before we get anything else unwanted in here.
You two are really some of the least mature people I have ever met.
And, that's saying something, seeing as how he knows James and everything.
That's right…hey! I AM SO MATURE! And, likeable, can't forget that one. And do you know who likes me? LILY!
Okay, seeing as how I am not in the mood to listen to James enumerate the perfection of Lily again; I think I will just answer this question, shall I?
Do what you want, you always do.
Did you hear something? I thought I did for a moment there. Guess not. Anyway, listen, I don't know who you are exactly, but please get some help. Did I ever profess any particular interest in Bludsrod? I've barely ever said two words to him, although I have to say between the threats and the paranoia, as well as the attempts to keep hold of someone you're clearly not even interested in, make you just perfect for a certain ex-friend of mine, in fact I hope he says yes to your invitation, I hope you bloody well get married, have twenty kids, and spend the rest of your days in mutual paranoia! I'm done with this.
P.S. I don't know who you are, but you're obviously not a Gryffindor, otherwise instead of hiding behind useless threats, you would meet me face to face. And trust me, I can take you. If you're not too busy cowering in the corner, meet me tonight, ten p.m., on the Quidditch pitch.
Ooh, girl fight.
Marlene do you really think this is the best idea…?
Yes. I do.
Hey, reader girl, you didn't leave your name, but I would be happy to go to Hogsmeade with you, and I definitely think you could take her; she is after all really quite petite.
Oh, he did NOT just go there.
Oh, Merlin.
Shall I just go get Madame Pomfrey on standby for when she kills him?
MARLENE MACKENZIE MCKINNON! THAT IS NOT OKAY, STOP HITTING HIM!
I would hit back, but I believe in picking on people my own size.
I'll show you!
Er, on that note, let's just move on. Hopefully, by the time we finish answering this next question they will have stopped attempting to kill each other.
Dear Marauders, First of all, I don't even know why you people bother with your strange nicknames. We all know who you really are. Everyone knows that you're James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and (…um…that other guy…Parker? No, it's Peter!) Peter Pettigrew. Therefore, I'm going to readdress my letter to you real names. Well, actually, I'm going to readdress it to the only one of you who ever seems to give good advice… Dear Remus, I have a problem. I think I might have to force my parents to disinherit my older sister and blast her off of our family tree. You see, she doesn't like chocolate. At all. I made a chocolate cake last summer, and I asked her if she wanted a piece, and she was really excited about getting cake, but when I gave it to her, she was just like "Ew. It's chocolate." Clearly she needs to be disowned. Clearly it's an issue, because she's my older sister, and I really don't know what I'd do without her and all that jazz, but I think it's simply inhuman to not like chocolate. I've discussed this with my younger sister, and neither of us can see another course of action for what to do about this situation. I mean, clearly the obvious answer is to just learn to live with it and move on with my life and of course if my sister doesn't eat the chocolate there will be more for me, but how can I literally live with someone who doesn't like chocolate? Please help me! Sincerely, Confused Spoinkle, Quidditch, and Chocolate Lover
(the above letter is credited to do I need a pen name)
Some people recognize my inherent wisdom…
Yeah, other crazy chocolate-obsessed nutters.
I shall ignore that comment. Anyway, I understand the impulse to disown your older sister for such a grievous crime, however when you are dealing with such a sick individual, it is important to show compassion, and realize that there must be something horribly wrong with them in the head, in order for them to hold such beliefs. Thus, you must take them firmly by the hand, and proceed to show them what a miracle chocolate is! I recommend locking your sister in a room and reading aloud from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl, it's a muggle book, but it does convey the magic of chocolate quite satisfactorily, in my opinion. Then try getting her to try different types of chocolate, milk, white, dark, etc, until you find one that she falls in love with. Because it is inevitable that one such type will of course exist. I hope I have been of service to you with this clearly vital problem! Let me know if I can help in any other way.
You are seriously screwed up; you know that, don't you?
Eh. At least I have chocolate. Now did the lot of you manage to separate Sirius and Marlene yet?
Um, no. I kind of just left them to it and backed away slow-like.
Lovely, Peter.
Damn. Now I'm going to have to go pull them apart, before Marlene does permanent damage to him…
Shouldn't you be more concerned about Sirius hurting Marlene?
Nah, Marlene could so take him down.
Dear Marauders and Lily, The dreams are back. I don't know what to do! Plus I have had more dreams. One of them is that in four years, Prongs and Lily die at the hands of an evil psychopath. Fourteen years later Padfoot dies a drapery-related death! Two years later Wormtail dies chocking himself with his Silver hand VOLDEMORT gave him. That same year Moony dies in a blaze of glory with his wife, Nymphadora. Please make the dreams stop! I have tried Dreamless sleep potion but it doesn't work! Any advice? The Glowing Mischief P.S. Sirius! Marlene! When will you admit you like each other? Stop being so daft!
(the above letter is credited to the Glowing Mischief)
Well, you were at least right about Lily and James getting together, but honestly we all know that Divination is a load of hogwash, and anyway, with the amount of stalking James was doing it was only a matter of time before she gave in.
That's right! There's no way Lily could continue to resist my charms.
You know Remus just called you a stalker, right?
Besides, there's just no way that Remus could be married to some Nymphadora person, the only Nymphadora we know is Sirius' younger cousin, and she is like way, way younger. And, besides that, our dear Moony, is totally hung up on Dorcas Meadows, apparently they've been secretly dating since they met up this summer in Diagon Alley for a book club of all things-
James, just because you like to air your personal business in the magazine, doesn't mean that the rest of us do.
Dorcas and Remus hate people, so-
We do not hate people. We just appreciate a better class of people…
Is there anyone actually in that class besides the two of you?
Well, no.
Like I was saying, Remus and Dorcas hate people, which is why they didn't tell anyone that they've been dating.
I loathe you.
What else is new?
Anyway, despite the rather scattered nature of this reply, the general idea is that there are just way too many contradictory things, that make it impossible for your dreams to be true, besides the fact that divination is a load of hogwash, so I would advise you just to forget about these dreams, they could mean anything, maybe stop eating late at night? I wouldn't advise taking them seriously.
And, now on to our next reader…
Dear Marauders, My cousin, uncle, and evil step-aunt forgot about my birthday until Grandpa reminded them. I don't care about the presents or money. But a simple card or text on my actual birthday (and not one week afterward). It would be different if my birthday was a completely random date. But it isn't. I was born exactly ten months to the day after my cousin. He's November 13, I'm September 13 of the following year. We never forget my cousin's birthday. Should I do anything in retaliation or should I just forget it ever happened? sincerely, 'loha
This is probably a question best answered by Sirius, so, James did you manage to separate him and Marlene yet? (aka stop Marlene from beating him up)
I didn't need help, and I so could have taken her. But before I answer the question I need some ice or something for this eye.
Uh-huh it seems like you really held your own.
I did! Anyway, she's stronger than she looks. But as for your issue, 'Loha, I can sympathize with useless family members, believe me you're better off without them. I don't know what your home situation is like in terms of, ah, particular aspects of, let's just say 'parenting methods' but if your uncle and step-aunt are anything like my parents it might be best to avoid provocation (or at least that's what I have been told, personally I like to provoke). But when it comes to forgotten birthdays at least, trust me, you'd probably be happier celebrating your birthdays without them-I for one have had great birthdays since I was about six…well, nevermind.
Sirius?
What happened when you were six?
Marlene.
It's not important. The point is, I recently learned that you don't need people. People are just useless, I'm going to take a page out of Remus' book and just hate all people-
Uh-huh, whatever you say, Moony.
Anyway, people suck, they just let you down, you're better off being alone and bitter. That way you'll never be disappointed.
Sincerely,
Sirius
Wow, um, that was some truly excellent and cheerful advice.
I think now might be a good time to interject with something a little, er, less doom and gloom? Yes, well, 'Loha I would advise you that family doesn't have to be the people you share blood ties with, I'm sure you have many close friends who won't forget your birthday, and will be there for you when your family isn't. I know it's not the same, but maybe in time you'll find that the family you choose for yourself is better than the one thrust upon you.
Wow, did James just give good advice?
Must be Lily's influence.
Dear Sirius How do you get your hair so thick and shiny? I've tried everything and it just stays there all limp and dull. If you tell me I will kiss you and more. I will also convince Lily to go out with James. Love Pretty Gryffindor
(The above letter is credited to Padfoot 197)
I'm glad to see that someone appreciates me, and is willing to take my advice.
Subtle.
Why thank you, Remus. I thought it was rather subtle, although some people are so OBLIVIOUS that they cannot see what is right in FRONT of their face like the fact that SOMEONE is just trying to be HELPFUL, so subtlety would just be utterly LOST on that class of individuals.
I find that I am shocked by the obliviousness of some people more and more each and every day.
I'm glad you see the problem.
Yes, yes I do. And we have just seen Exhibit A.
Anyway, back to my wonderful advice. Fortunately for me, my hair comes to be naturally, I will say one thing for the Black family and that is that our genes are exceptional when it comes to appearance. Fortunately for you, I still have plenty of good advice to dispense with as I am something of a hair expert. I suggest Madame Claudette's Miracle Hair gloss coupled with a healthy dose of Mademoiselle Marseilles' Magical Magnifier, guaranteed to provide body to any head of hair.
Statements like that really make it hard for me to take you seriously as a man.
Well, that and the fact that he routinely gets beat up by a girl half his size.
For the last time, she's stronger than she looks, OKAY?
Whatever you say, Sirius.
AND THIS IS WHY I NOW HATE PEOPLE.
Dear Marauders, I have a serious problem. I am being stalked by a rat. Sounds crazy but i swear! I see it everywhere! On the grounds, in the library, in the common room! And I know it's the same one to! It has the same marks on its back! Please help! Rataphobic
Really, a rat? Why on earth would there be a RAT of all things, and the same rat too, how very, very strange.
I'm sure it's probably uh, multiple rats. Hogwarts is very old you know and there are probably tens, no hundreds of rats crawling all over the place.
You would know.
I prefer not to imagine vermin crawling all over the place.
You know what why don't you just try telling the rat to please stop following you, I'm sure it would be more than happy to oblige.
Is that the best you can do?
Even I can only manage so much.
I think it's time for subtlety like only I can manage, let's move on to another question, shall we?
I definitely could never hope to be that subtle.
Dear Marauders (But mostly James), would you PLEASE either get Lily to date you or either stop asking her to go out with you? She's driving me insane! Every night she comes into the dormitory, she's fuming and ranting on about Potter this and Potter that, i just can't STAND it! I'm going MAD with her complaints! So James, all of you, find some way TO SHUT HER UP! please. MrsLongbottom
(The above question is credited to WobblyJelly)
Obviously, she wrote this letter before my Lilyflower agreed to be my Lilyflower, because as we can all attest Lily is clearly wild about me. And now the world is perfect and wonderful and great and magnificent…
Can someone please shut him up? I can't deal with the sad delusional talk, this is propaganda! LIES OF THE GREETING CARD INDUSTRY!
If you had said this two weeks ago, Alice Prewett, I would have been prepared to kill you, however…
NOW LILYFLOWER AND I ARE AN ITEM!
A very, very happy item. :) :) :)
YOU SICKEN ME!
Still bitter about Marlene, huh?
Do not speak the traitor's name in my presence.
Do not boss my Lilyflower around.
VICIOUS PROPOGANDA! DO YOU SEE WHAT WOMEN DO, NOW THEY ARE DESTROYING MY LAST FRIENDSHIP…ALL I HAVE IS PETER. Dorcas has Remus. Lily has James…and hey where did Peter GO?
He appears to be talking to the nice sixth year from Hufflepuff.
NOOO! EVERYONE HAS LEFT MEEE! NOOO!
This is really becoming quite sad. Perhaps we should have his head examined.
I've been saying that for years.
As much as I think a good psych evaluation would do him wonders, I can't allow any member of my time to come in contact with a medical professional of any sort prior to the Quidditch Cup, he will just have to deal with his psychosis awhile longer.
Your concern for his welfare is touching.
Thank you, Remus. Anyway, why don't we just move on before he has time to dwell on his misery any further.
Dear Marauders, I've been thinking about getting an owl, yet I don't know which one to choose! I love elf owls, but they're too small to send letters back home! Help! Sincerely, All Out of Owls P.S. Are you reading this, Remus? I LOVE YOU! Will you go out with me? P. P. S. James- Get a life, dude. Lily ain't gonna hook up with you!
(The above letter is credited to ElfOwlGirl)
Okay, I think there are several important points to get out of the way first and foremost: 1. LILY LOVES ME, SO THERE. 2. As I already exclusively revealed in a breaking news report: REMUS IS DATING DORCAS (the February issue of the magazine will feature a groundbreaking profile of the Remus/Dorcas relationship, as well as the destined couple that is Lily and I, as well as special love advice, (un)romantic humor, likely to be of a Black nature if Padfoot's current mood is any indication, and compatibility tests to help spread love throughout Hogwarts! I know it's three months away but get excited! I know I am!)
Valentine's Day is a fabrication of the greeting card industry and vicious attempt by girls to get guys to buy them stuff they don't even need or really want but feel compelled to own by the societal trap that is teen love.
Who is this guy and what has he done with Sirius Black?
From what I understand Sirius was once actually a pretty serious child. (Don't say it! There was NO pun intended) A long, long time ago.
Of course he was a Sirius child, how could he help it?
I loathe you.
It occurs to me that our answers so far have absolutely nothing do with the question, which was about cats or toads or something.
Owls actually. And, I personally recommend that you go with the elf owls, because then if your letter never gets there you will never be disappointed, and also, you won't have to worry about people ignoring your advice because they probably won't get it in the first place, so then at least you won't have to feel bad that they completely shove your good deed back in your face because they are a mean, backstabbing traitor.
Sirius, I think that is quite enough.
Let him talk, Remus. You know what? If you think I'm a backstabbing traitor, Sirius Black, that's just fine. Go ahead, be that way. It's not as if I was there for you whenever you needed a friend from the first day we met, no of course not, I'm just a mean, backstabbing traitor. I was probably too busy ignoring your highly intelligent advice to ever support you in anything. You know what, Sirius? I've had just about enough, you can go to hell. Have a nice life.
Sirius…
Whatever. I have to go, finish up without me, alright?
…so that went well.
Um, and now for a timely word from our sponsors:
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(The above ad is credited to 'Loha)
And sounder advice, I've seldom heard.
And on this cheerful note we wrap up this month's edition of the magazine.
Until Next time…
…This has been Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs!
A/N Review, Review, Review! Also, be on the lookout for updates, especially for Love and Friendship which will be coming up in the next few days. Woot!