Saving Grace
Chapter 14
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She was the one woman who could make him happier than he had ever been in his entire life. She was that woman.
Derek knew. Addison was the one.
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Derek didn't fall asleep for hours that night. Instead, he lay in bed daydreaming, or night dreaming as it were, about his epiphany that afternoon.
This was it; this was his chance for true happiness. He realized that what he felt for Addison was deep, unchanging, unconditional love. A love that was so rare and atypical that nobody even believed it existed in the first place.
Derek most definitely didn't believe.
But something struck him now, something that he couldn't pinpoint. It was telling him that a love like that really did exist and Addison and he were a part of it. Addison was it; she was the one who his heart longed for. She brought out the best in him and he loved the feeling.
Derek felt it was time to take the next step. He was going to propose. In three days it would be Addi's birthday and Valentines Day. He'd do it then; surprise her.
His eyes lit up as Derek thought about his plan. It would be the best proposal ever, it had to be. He owed Addison that much. She was the best thing in his life right now and she deserved everything he could give her.
A smile graced his face.
This was it. Derek Shepherd was going to propose.
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From the minute Addison had arrived at Seattle Grace that morning, she hadn't gotten a chance to sit down and relax. She had a patient scheduled for surgery later that day that went into premature labor and then a car crash victim rushed in, not to mention the two consults she had been pulled into along with all her regular patients.
Adrenaline was pumping through her veins as if she was hooked up to an IV of the stuff. She needed a break.
After changing out of dirtied scrubs, Addison decided to head towards an on call room to relax for a bit. On the way, she heard Derek's voice coming from one of the rooms. Figuring he was busy with a patient, Addison decided to continue on her way down the hall. The sound of her name filtered through the slightly open doorway.
"Have you discussed this with Addison yet?"
Addison inched closer to the door upon hearing Burke mention her name.
"No, not yet"
'Discussed what with me?' What did Derek need to talk with her about; they had just seen each other that morning.
"Don't you think it would be wise to get her opinion first? You don't want this to blow up in your face."
"I know Preston and I've thought about that to. I just, I want her so badly. I want to go back to the way things were. I want her to be my wife again."
Addison felt the color drain from her face.
'His wife again?' Derek wanted to marry her. She couldn't wrap her mind around the thought. In a daze she turned around and headed to her office. Once there she pulled the shades down and turned off the lights. The darkness in the room enveloped her and she found comfort in it.
Placing herself on her couch, Addison thought about what she had just heard.
Derek wanted to ask her to marry him. She'd be Addison Montgomery-Shepherd again.
'It's exactly what you want.' The little voice at the back of her head said. 'So why aren't you jumping for joy?'
Addison placed her head in her hands as the voice continued chiding at her. A knock at the door interrupted her musings. Too bothered to invite whoever was there to come in, Addison said nothing when they knocked again.
The door opened and light filtered in.
"Why in heaven's name are you sitting in here with the light off?"
"Come on in Miranda." Addison scooted over on the couch, making room for Bailey to sit down next to her. After closing the door and turning on the lights, Miranda stayed standing.
"What's going on?"
Addison looked up at her, squinting in the suddenly bright room. "What do you mean?"
"Please. I saw you basically run down the hallway before holing yourself up in here. So, what is it?" Miranda sat down on the couch. Addison's legs were curled up under her and she leaned her head back against the couch so she was looking at the ceiling.
"It's Derek."
"What did McScumbag do this time?" Addison shot her a look.
"He didn't do anything Miranda." She sighed. "I overheard him and Preston talking." Addison glanced down at her hands. "He said he wanted me to be his wife again."
Miranda clapped her hands together. "That's great then. He's going to propose."
Addison said nothing and Miranda's face quickly got serious.
"You're not happy about that. Why not?"
Addison looked at her, tears forming at the corner of her eyes.
"Hey, hey, don't cry." Miranda placed a reassuring hand on Addison's knee as the tears started to fall. "This is what you wanted, isn't it?"
"It is. It's what I've wanted for so long."
"Then why are you crying?"
"Because, Miranda, it's all going to happen again. Everything is going to go wrong." A fresh burst of sobs escaped her.
"Shh. Stop crying, stop crying." Miranda tried to calm her down, rubbing her hand up and down her back, soothing Addison a little.
"What's going to go wrong again, Addison?"
Her sobs had calmed down enough for her to converse a little more coherently.
"Derek."
"What about Derek?"
"It's just, it's going to happen again. He's going to leave. I can't deal with it again."
"He's not going to leave you. Yes he was an ass and he made a mistake, but are you going to crucify the man for the rest of his life?"
Addison placed her head into her hands again as her body was wracked with sobs again.
"Oh hey! Don't start that again! I didn't mean anything by what I said; you have every right to crucify him. Hell, I'll even hand you the nails."
A small laugh made its way through.
"It's not Derek I'm talking about." Miranda stared at her confused. "I mean, it is Derek just nor really Derek. I mean…-" Addison took a deep breath and then launched into an explanation.
"I don't blame Derek for leaving. I mean I do, but it wasn't his fault."
"It wasn't anyone's fault."
"No, it wasn't Derek's fault. It was mine."
Miranda tried protesting but Addison held up her hand, stopping her. "It was mine. I made the mistake, not Derek. I should be the one being crucified, but I'm not. Derek should hate me. I cheated on him with Mark Sloan. Forget everything about Derek being absent and inattentive. He made that mistake, but that wasn't what ended it. I made the worse mistake and now Derek, god Derek. He, he wants me back after all that. I slept with his best friend and he still wants me."
Tears rolled freely down her cheeks as Addison cried her heart out, Miranda's arms around her shoulders. They stayed that way, Miranda not saying anything, just letting Addison cry on her shoulder for a few minutes before she spoke up.
"You know what you need?"
"What?"
"A nice night out with the girls. You need to let go of all that. So Mcdoofus still wants you. Of course he does! You were married for twelve years, one mistake doesn't change all of that, it can't. And if it does, there wasn't enough to hold onto from the beginning."
Standing up from the couch, Miranda turned to Addison and held out her hand. "No one is being crucified on my watch, especially you. Now let's go."
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The next few hours found Addison, Miranda, and Callie sitting at the bar in Joe's, talking about nothing and everything at the same time.
Addison had calmed down immensely from her talk with Bailey and the ramblings about George, Izzie, and Tucker took her mind off Derek and the proposal.
It was around nine o'clock when they decided to part ways and head off to their respective places. Addison headed back to Seattle Grace. She and Derek had made plans to go back to her house that night since they had spent the last week at the trailer and Derek understood her need to be in the civilized world.
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Once she got to the hospital, a nurse informed her Derek was still in surgery so Addison decided to wander around a bit. Not really having any direction in mind, Addison somehow managed to make her way towards the nursery.
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In New York she used to go to the nursery all the time. The sight of all the newborns used to calm her down and all the stress she was under seemed to disappear at the sight of the teeny tiny babies squirming and gurgling in their baskets.
Addi loved babies. They were the one thing in life that always made her happy. When her sister, Cadence, was born, she had been overjoyed. She had her very own baby to play with. It was just like a doll, only living and breathing.
Derek loved babies too. There was a time when he was almost obsessed with babies. For two months in the middle of their residency, he would take her up to the nursery every break they had. Not that Addison objected. It broke her heart when they talked about having a child. They both wanted one, but Addison just wasn't ready. Derek said he understood and that he'd wait for however long she wanted, however long she needed.
The thing was, Addison as ready. Her career had been going great, she and Derek were perfect, and she couldn't have been more ready to have a baby. Except she was afraid.
Her mother had died giving birth to Cadence and Cadence had died of ovarian cancer. While Addison didn't have cancer, the fears of birth complications were too much for her. The thought of bringing a child into the world that would never get to know its mother wasn't a thought she could stomach.
That's why she chose her specialty. She wanted to give women the chance that she was too afraid to take. The same chance her mother had taken, and died for.
If she could make sure that at the end of the day a baby would be going home with a mother and a father, well, that was good enough for her.
Addison just couldn't take the chance herself.
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When she had gotten pregnant with Mark's baby, she almost went crazy. Not only was she still married to Derek, she had gotten pregnant form his best friend. The stress of that and the fear of what could, maybe, possible happen terrified her. She aborted the baby.
Addison had been tortured for weeks after that. No not weeks; months. She couldn't bear to live with herself.
Mark, through all his anger, still managed to be there with her after and help her through it. Deep down he understood and he was there for her.
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A noise from behind broke Addison out of her reverie. Someone was standing behind her. She was too entranced by the babies to bother turning around.
"Addison."
She whirled around in shock and surprise. Slouched against the wall was the last person she expected to see right then.
"What are you doing here Mark?"
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