Bail-outs and Arrest Records

Alex laughed as Phil spun her, the music floating around them. They'd gone to a club, one that played a mix of music spanning from the 40's to the 80's and catered to an older age group. It wasn't like most of the clubs which played music too loud to hear over. This one was at just the right level for both adults to talk, if they wanted to.

Dipping her a little, Phil grinned at Alex and pulled her close as the song ended. "Having fun?"

"I'm with you, of course I'm having fun," replied Alex, meeting his smile with her own.

"Good," sighed Phil, one of his hands running up her back and leaning his forehead against hers.

Rolling her eyes, Alex quickly kissed him. "Stop worrying. I wouldn't have come out tonight if I didn't want to spend time with you." Stepping back, she looped her arm in his and led him off the dance floor. "Besides, it's nice to escape for the night. I swear I'm starting to feel the effects of Jenny's pregnancy hormones."

Phil smiled and disentangled their arms to wrap one of his around her waist as they headed for the bar. "I think it's safest for me to invoke my right to remain silent."

That drew a laugh from Alex, who leaned closer to him. "Last I checked, you're not under arrest."

"I still have the right to against self-incrimination," reminded Phil, leaning over a bit to press a kiss to her hair. "Though depending on what you want to do tonight, I'm sure you could make me confess."

"I was a lawyer, not a cop," reminded Alex, leaning her head on his shoulder. "Though I've certainly broken my share of witnesses."

"Well then, I can teach you some interrogation techniques to supplement your knowledge base," murmured Phil, pausing to kiss her.

"Hmm," hummed Alex. "Will any of them be legal techniques?"

"Of course," assured Phil, "they just may not be methods you want to apply in an actual interrogation."

"So what's the point of learning them?" asked Alex, tilting her head slightly in a faux innocent manner.

"You'll know how to get me to talk afterwords," muttered Phil, "an-"

The sound of Phil's cellphone ringing cut through their conversation and drawing a groan from Phil. Extracting the device from his pocket, he pressed it to his ear and accepted the call. "Hello?"

"Hiiiiiiiiii Philly," greeted Clint. His words were slurred and he sounded either high or drunk. Neither of which was a good state for him to be in.

"I hope there's a point to this call, Clint, otherwise I'm going to bury you under paperwork for the next month," warned Phil, his voice tight. I will not let my frustration show. I will not let my frustration show. No matter how likely it is Barton just completely ruined my night, I will not show frustration.

Clint giggled, making Phil's concern rise over his irritation. "Darcy wants me to tell you something. She says," he giggled again, "she says you need to find the chicken and then take it to Tony 'cause he's going to make a turkey from it."

"I'm sorry, what?" asked Phil, one eyebrow rising sharply. "Are you drunk?"

"Tequila is gooooooood," sang Clint. "'So's VODKA." A third giggle cut through the line, grating on Phil's nerves. "We were celebratin'!"

"Who's we?" asked Phil worriedly, wondering how many people he was going to be picking up from the drunk tank/driving home. Beside him, Alex shot him a raised eyebrow. He just rolled his eyes and mouthed 'Clint's drunk'.

"Darce an' me an' Tony!" exclaimed Clint happily. "Tony's gonna marry Pepper!"

"That's wonderful news," remarked Phil, filing that information away for later. He'd be certain to check that Tony had actually asked her before he said anything of course; it wouldn't do to spoil the surprise for her. She'd kill him, and he had to doubt she could hide his body. "Where are you?"

"Jail," replied Clint dismissively. "That's why you have to go to the park and get the chicken. We can't get it. Darcy fell down the hill and got all wet and I jumped in after to get her out. But we were both all wet, so we took off our wet clothes so we wouldn't get sick but the man in the park said we couldn't do that and brought us here. Which is why you have to get the chicken for us!"

Phil pinched the bridge of his nose, relaxing a little when he felt Alex run a hand through his hair. He glanced at her, noticing the crinkle of her nose, and offered her a tight smile in return. "Alright, I'll be there soon. What precinct are you at?"

"Er, I don't know," admitted Clint. "Er- 'scuse me? Dude with the hat. Where are we?" There was some noise on the other end of the phone, then Clint came back. "The man's gonna tell you."

More jostling echoed over the phone before a woman came on the line. "Hello?"

"Hello ma'am," greeted Phil with a sigh. "I'm sorry about this whole mess. What precinct are they in?"

"They're being held at the 35th Precinct," informed the woman.

"Thank you," sighed Phil.

"Of course," assured the woman. "Just come down and pick them up whenever you can. We'll understand if you want to let them sit for a bit. The only issue we've had is that the blond man wouldn't allow us to put the girl in a separate cell."

"They're roommates," explained Phil. "Clint is very protective of Darcy."

"I'll assume that's the blond's name and the brunette is Darcy," stated the officer. "Good to know. They haven't done anything inappropriate, so we haven't seen a reason to separate them."

"I'll be there shortly to pick up all three of them," assured Phil.

"You've got it," confirmed the woman. "Can I get your name?"

"Philip Coulson," replied Phil. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

"We'll have you on the register," confirmed the woman. "Goodbye."

"Goodbye," returned Phil before hanging up his phone. Sighing, he dropped his head on Alex's shoulder. "Why am I surrounded by insane individuals?"

"Because your life is insane?" suggested Alex with a smile. "I know the feeling. Are they being charged with anything?"

"They didn't say," replied Phil, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I hope not though."

"We'll find out when we get there," assured Alex as she looped her arm in his and started towards the door. "I still have some pull."

"If they're being charged, I'm going to leave them in there," muttered Phil. "I'm sorry about this, Alex."

"Hey, it could be worse," pointed out Alex. "Besides, I'm sure we'll have some time once we get them home. Or at least in the care of their significant others."

"Really?" asked Phil in surprise.

"Yes, really," assured Alex. "Now let's get your roommates out of jail so we can get back to our date."

"Alright," sighed Alex as she stepped out of one of the many office's off the main corridor of the police station. "They're not being charged at this time, mostly because no one was around except the officer. They gave Clint and Darcy jump suits and recovered their clothes from where they were dumped near the lake. They managed to convince Tony to keep his clothing on, despite his insistence that if there was a naked girl in the area, he was going to be naked as well. There was no sign of the chicken they were babbling about, leaving the police to assume it was a hallucination. Unfortunately, there was a flamingo that got set free from the zoo."

Phil pinched the bridge of his nose. "And they were responsible?"

"The police aren't sure," answered Alex. "But they think there's a chance that's the aforementioned 'chicken'. Fortunately, the bird was found in the pond, captured, and returned without incident so they're going to write it off as 'the cage wasn't properly closed' and leave it at that."

"Thank you," stated Phil, giving Alex a quick kiss. "I'm guessing you pulled some strings for that one."

"Just one," admitted Alex. Linking her arm with Phil's, she started towards a door off the hall. "Come on, let's get them out and home."

"Are you sure we can't leave them here?" asked Phil. He still wasn't completely sure about bailing his roommates out, but if he didn't then Pepper would. And having Tony propose drunkenly to her, if he hadn't already proposed, wouldn't make her happy.

"No, we can't," confirmed Alex gently, the hand looped through the crook of his elbow sliding down to take his. "Not unless you want Pepper to kill you."

"I'll pass," muttered Phil, allowing Alex to lead him through the hallways. Her sure footsteps told him how often she'd passed through these same halls many times herself. "Let's just get them home."

Alex smiled and stopped in front of a reinforced door with a small, metal lattice-infused window. She pulled open the door without a word and led him inside, stopping in front of an officer seated behind a desk. "We're here to pick up three individuals from the drunk tank."

"Names?" asked the officer, a bored looking older man with a balding head.

"It's alright Norman," cut in a woman's voice. "They're here for the chicken chasers." A dark-haired woman stepped out of the second door in the room, offering a smile at Alex. "This way."

Phil nodded, following the officer with Alex right behind him. They walked about half way down the hallway until they reached a barred area where three individuals were huddled together. Clint and Tony were sitting on either side of Darcy, both cuddling close to the brunette in a protective way. Her head was resting on Clint's shoulder, tucked under his chin, and Tony's face was snuggled against her shoulder. It would have been cute if they weren't in a jail cell. Phil didn't even have his cellphone out before Alex was snapping a photo of the scene with her cellphone. One of Phil's eyebrows rose in surprise.

Catching his raised eyebrow, Alex shrugged. "I used to be a lawyer. I know potentially valuable blackmail when I see it."

"You're evil," remarked Phil with a shake of his head.

"Never said I would use it," pointed out Alex as she tucked her phone away. "You just never know when you'll need it. Should we wake them?"

"Already awake," muttered Clint, lifting his head to blink sleepily at them. "Never went to sleep."

"Liar," muttered Darcy, lifting her head from his shoulder. "You were sleeping with your eyes open again. FYI, you snore."

"Yeah, 'Tasha's told me," muttered Clint, shifting slightly and jostling Darcy which woke Tony from his dead state.

The genius blinked around the cell for a moment before focusing on Phil and Alex. "Did you bring the chicken?"

"No, we didn't," replied Phil, dismissing any ideas the group in front of him might have managed to sober up between the phone call and their arrival.

Darcy grinned and tried to stand up only to fall over as soon as she did. Blinking, she began giggling uncontrollably. "I fell."

Clint returned her grin, but managed to actually stand up. "Is the floor trying to kill you again?"

"Always!" confirmed Darcy with a shout and giggle. "It's a mean floor."

"I could shoot it," offered Tony. "I shoot mean things. I am Iron Man!"

"We know," reminded Clint as he tried to stand as well.

For a moment he tettered a little and looked like he might fall over. However, his archery knowledge took over and he shifted his feet to improve his balance. Turning shakily on his feet, he offered Darcy a hand up. However, as soon as he started to lift her up, she misbalanced and pulled him down with her. He landed half on top of her, more or less pinning her to the ground. For a moment, the just stared at each other before they burst into laughter.

Phil shook his head, muttering about drunken agents and secretaries before he motioned for the woman who'd lead them in to unlock the door. Stepping into the cell, he lightly pressed his foot into Clint's side to make the man roll over. The archer moved without any further prompting, pouting up at Phil as if it had actually hurt. All pouting ceased a half second later though when Phil easily picked Darcy up off the ground and carried her out of the cell.

He paused on the outside of the bars, cocking an eyebrow at the others. "Are you coming?"

Tony and Clint both stumbled out of the cell, leaning on each other for support as they hobbled out and followed Phil down the hallway. Darcy didn't struggle against Phil at all, apparently deciding that she needed to be carried like any rational person would. Alex easily caught up to Phil, though she didn't say anything. Instead, she silently followed him to the car, helped him load everyone in, then drove them back to their home in foreboding silence.

Once they were inside the apartment, Phil immediately dropped Darcy on the sofa and turned to face Clint and Tony. His face was completely neutral, which sort of scared Alex a little. Well, not really. She knew that neutral face meant trouble though.

"Both of you, sit," ordered Phil, gesturing to the empty seats on the couch. Tony and Clint each took a seat on either side of Darcy, except this time they gave her plenty of room. Apparently, Phil wasn't enough of a threat to concern them but the police were. Which made no sense to Alex; from what she could tell, Phil was more talented than any police officer she'd ever met.

Once Clint, Tony, and Darcy were all seated, Phil tucked his hands into his pockets and gave them his best 'disappointed father' look. "I want an explanation for this insanity. Now."

"Tony's getting engaged!" exclaimed Clint with a grin. "We were celebratin'!"

"Yeah, Tony's getting engaged!" confirmed Tony, almost falling off the couch. For a second, he blinked rapidly as if he was confused. "Wait a minute, I'm Tony. I'm the one getting engaged. Woot! Go me!"

Clint grinned. "Yeah, and Pepper'll probably say yes."

"If she hasn't realized your insane," added Darcy, her head lolling against the back of the couch. "Why is the ceiling spinning?"

"'Cause we didn't get the chicken turned into a turkey quickly enough," replied Clint sagely. "You gotta turn the chicken into a turkey within an hour of sayin' the spell otherwise it don't work."

Cocking an eyebrow, Alex leaned a little closer to Phil. "Did they manage to get drunker?"

"I'm not sure," muttered back Phil. "They're pretty insane when there isn't alcohol involved."

For a moment, the only two sober people in the room watched as Darcy, Clint, and Tony debated how long you could wait before you turned the chicken into a turkey. It might have been funny, if any of the conversation were comprehensible. Still, the three drunken musketeers were apparently capable of understanding each other just fine.

The ringing of the doorbell drew Alex's attention. Furrowing her brow, she glanced at Phil before heading to the door and opening it. Natasha and Steve were standing on the other side, looking irritated and nervous. It isn't hard to guess which was which.

"Steve, Natasha," greeted Alex. "I'm going to assume you're here to pick up your drunken significant others?"

"Something like that, ma'am," confirmed Steve, still looking uncertain. "Are they alright?"

"Drunk off their asses, but otherwise fine," assured Alex before she stepped aside to allow both individuals inside.

Natasha made an immediate bee-line for the sofa, not even slowing down when Clint leaned his head backwards and offered her a grin. "'Tasha! Hiiiiiiiiiiiii."

Shaking her head, the Russian woman stopped when she reached the back of the couch and looked down at her boyfriend with an expectant look. Apparently, Clint could read the silent expression, because he immediately began babbling away about their insane night and the chicken they had failed to turn into a turkey. Alex had to admit, Natasha handled the matter beautifully: she simply stood there and glared at Clint as he explained what had happened.

Steve, by contrast, quickly hurried around the couch so he was kneeling in front of Darcy. His brow furrowed tightly and he ran one hand through her tangled brown hair as he searched for any signs she was injured. It was sweet, especially when Darcy grinned at the super soldier and suddenly threw her arms around his neck in a hug while shouting his name and beginning her own explanation of events.

Leaning her head on Phil's shoulder, Alex watched them all while murmuring to her fience. "Crisis averted?"

"Sort of," murmured back Phil. "I'm afraid to allow Tony to leave. Pepper will kill me if he proposes while completely trashed."

"Hm, so what will you do?" asked Alex curiously, watching as the genius nodded off beside Darcy only to startle awake again when Natasha slapped the back of Clint's head loudly. The archer rubbed the back of his head and pouted, but the grin broke back across his face after a few seconds, indicating he wasn't actually hurt. Shaking her head, she added: "And is it safe to leave Clint alone with his girlfriend?"

Phil shrugged a little. "Natasha won't hurt him, permanently. She really does care for him."

"I never would have guessed," muttered Alex. "That looked like abuse to him."

"Their relationship is...strange," admitted Phil. "But I don't worry about it." Nodding towards Darcy and Steve, he added: "I'm not concerned about leaving Steve with Darcy."

Alex watched as Darcy crawled into Steve's lap and began to kiss him rapidly, though Steve looked a bit unsure what to do. His hands were resting on her arms and he was clearly trying not to touch her in any way that was inappropriate. Especially with the way he was blushing.

"You're afraid she'll rape him?" asked Alex curiously. The look Phil sent her said that was not what he was worried about in the lease. She had the dignity to look embarrassed. "I worked SVU. It's sort of an automatic conclusion for me."

Chuckling, Phil slipped both his hands into his pockets. "Acceptable. But no, that isn't my concern. I'm more concerned she will traumatize him inadvertently."

She couldn't help but laugh a little at Phil's concerns. Of course, he'd filled her in on Steve's history: how he'd been around in World War II, that he'd been frozen in a block of ice for nearly seventy years, etc, but that didn't change the fact that he looked like he wasn't much older than twenty seven and should have been alleviated of his blushing tendencies long before now. She shouldn't think that way, but it was hard not to find the whole situation at least a little funny. Especially knowing that Darcy meant no harm and that Steve didn't really mind.

"I'm sure he'll be fine," murmured Alex, one of her hands coming to rest on his shoulder. "Besides, we have a date to get back to."

"Can we go back to your house?" requested Phil hopefully, glancing at the group of people currently sitting in his living room. "Please?"

Smiling, Alex hummed a little. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Good," murmured Phil before clearing his throat to catch the attention of the group before them. "Mr. Stark, stay here for the night. Natasha, Steve, I am leaving your significant others in your hands. Also, please do not hesitate to handcuff Mr. Stark to a bed if he attempts to escape." Pausing, he added: "Not my bed."

"Will do Phil!" shouted Clint, causing Darcy to snicker and fall out of Steve's lap.

"I've got duct tape!" added Darcy with a grin as she arched backward to look at Alex and Phil upside down. "We're good! Go make ninja boss babies!"

Only Alex's many, many years of experience as an ADA kept her from blushing like crazy at Darcy's comment. Phil kept a completely straight face as he focused on Natasha and Steve, offering them both goodnight's before he led Alex out of the room. Quickly.

Once they were in the hall, Phil groaned and offered Alex an apologetic look. "I'm sorry for that, Alex. I never should have taken that call."

Smiling a little at Phil, she laced their fingers together and started to pull him towards the elevators. "We're getting married Phil, it isn't an inaccurate suggestion." Her smile grew into a grin as they reached the elevator, pressing the down button. "In fact, I think we should seriously consider her suggestion."

Both of Phil's eyebrows rose in surprise and he actually blushed a little, especially when Alex backed him into the corner of the elevator. "Really?"

"Mhm," hummed Alex. "We should discuss it. Form a committee, if that'll make you more comfortable."

"A committee of two," agreed Phil, wrapping his arms around Alex. "Let's have the first meeting at your place. In bed."

"I like that plan," murmured Alex just before she kissed him. "I like it very much."