Wanda always thought of people's minds like an onion. They were layers to peel away before finding the thing she wanted. Some minds were easier than others. She was a bit ashamed to admit how easy her now teammates minds were to peel away and find the things that scared them to the core. When Bucky had first come to them his thoughts were beyond loud and jumbled. She had tried to avoid him whenever she could since his thoughts sometimes gave her a headache. It chilled her to really see how far she could have let vengeance take her. Hydra had been cruel to her, but she had signed up for it. She wanted power and the death of the man who had taken her family away. If they had to beat her, perform tests on her and lock her away it was all for the greater goal.
Bucky had been a good man who had wanted to keep people safe and Hydra had used him like a puppet. He had never wanted power the way she had and what they had done to him was beyond cruel. Alison had sat her down last week to explain what she might find in his mind.
"Some of these things I'm going to tell you are things he told me while I was still treating him. I need you to keep them between us. I told him I would never tell anyone unless he was ready. Than again I wasn't supposed to fall in love with him and well here we are," said Alison with a humorless laugh.
Wanda can sense that Alison is worried on several different levels. She's worried that she's breaking a promise she made to patient. Patient. He was your patient and those promises meant everything to him. She's worried that this might not work and she's broken her promises for nothing. She's worried that this might trigger another outburst and someone could get hurt. Hand on her throat. That look of hate in his eyes. Alison was also worried about what this would do to her. To see his darkest memories and know what he had been made to do and what had been done to him. She loves him more than anything, yet she doesn't want anyone hurt for helping him, thought Wanda.
"It wasn't enough for them to take his mind. They took his mind away repeatedly for year and years. Anytime he had a bit of it back they took it from him because they could. It was years upon years of torture and abuse. The first kill they made him do was of a girl who had been taking care of him. That was after they made him watch as they beat and raped her and after they did the same thing to him," said Alison and her hand shook has she sipped her water.
"They were animals," said Wanda.
"That's an insult to real animals," said Alison in that humorless tone. "They used to him to kill men, women and children for decades. They scrubbed his mind when they were done with him and when they were bored they treated him like he was less than nothing," said Alison barely holding her temper in. Wanda had rarely sensed rage from Alison and yet it was so strong for those who had hurt him it scared her a bit.
"If what you see in his mind becomes too much I want you to step away. I won't be upset or disappointed if you can't remove his triggers. I know this is a long shot and it's something we can't test without waking Bucky up. I can't explain how much it means to me or to Steve that you would try to do this," said Alison. Wanda could sense it though. Gratitude that she wasn't sure she deserved from both Alison and Steve.
Wanda wasn't surprised that Bucky had chosen something from his past that made him happy. Alison walked next to him dressed the way women from his youth had. Why couldn't we have met before now? It was a thought that crossed his mind more than once without his meaning too. He was under and distracted in his mind. She hoped he would stay that way for awhile.
Wanda sat down and starting peeling through the layers of his mind. Childhood. Some of the memories were dark and sad. A man yelling at woman who held her face and cried softly. The young boy promising he would be a better man someday. Soon the memories of his childhood turned bright and warm. They almost put a smile on her face as she viewed them. He held a baby and made faces so the baby would laugh. Steve. Walking to school with Steve, playing silly games and reading comics with Steve. Their mothers scolding the boys for a playground fight. The little sister who tagged along and teased them both.
Teenage Bucky frowning as he rubbed his mother's sore back and wishing he could do more to help her. Realizing that girls were dropping books on purpose so he would pick them up and how they flushed and giggled when he did. Finally working up the nerve to take a girl out to a dance. His mother teaching him how to dance and him trying to teach Steve how to dance has well. First kisses and how nervous he had been the first time he been with girl. Steve guessing what happened and teasing him a bit. Trying to get Steve to go out with girls too and evenings when it was just him and Steve on the town.
His mother's death was a cold spike to his heart. He wanted to do so much for her. Wanda felt how much he loved his sister and how much he wanted to take care of her. Steve's mother passed the following year. Till the end of line was a promise he meant to keep to both Steve and his sister. They were an odd little family, but a good one. His back ached and his feet hurt from hours on the docks, but Steve belonged in school and maybe Becca could go to one if he saved up enough.
He enlisted because it had to be done. What sort of world would it be if he didn't try to help? Plus it was a chance to try for a better life. His sister cried and begged him not to go. He promised her Steve would be here to look after here. Relief when Steve was rejected and then annoyance that he kept trying. Blind fear and panic when they were taken by Hydra. Pain and exhaustion consumed his days as he laid strapped to table. Steve. Thinking he was crazy at first than realizing his best friend had come to save him. Him and Steve in the thick of the war. Nights where he couldn't sleep and small hints of joy when a package came from his sister and when the little girl in camp who called him her sweetheart would curl up next to him.
Cold. Wanda suddenly felt so cold she wanted to rub her hands together. There was so much cold it almost overrode all the other pain he felt. Soon there was nothing but numbness. Confusion and a sense of great loss thinking that Steve was dead. Hope. The flutter of it almost made Wanda want to cry for him. He loved that poor girl and her death by his hand tore a hole in his heart. The endless cycle of abuses and humiliations heaped on him. Pleas to make it stop, to kill him and be done with it, that he would do anything they wanted if they just stopped hurting him. They would stop if he would just obey them. That was all he had to do. They never do stop though even when he does what he's told. Wanda peeled back another layer and there were the memories of his commands.
Spudnik. The world goes black everytime he hears that world. He loses all control and when he wakes up he's back in cell or in the chair. Sometimes he wakes up to someone hurting him. He tries to fight back and they just say Spudnik again and the world goes back to black. Wanda pulls it out and tosses the thought away. One down, so many more to go.
…...
Bucky feels like someone is watching them and whips his head around to see if anyone looked out of place. Alison took his hand and looked up at him puzzled.
"What's wrong?" asked Alison. He feels foolish all of sudden for being worried about nothing. They were just two people out for date. He shrugs, wraps his arm around around her waist and they start walking towards the rides.
"Nothing doll," said Bucky and Alison wrinkled her nose.
"Not sure how I feel about 'doll'. Honey, sweetheart, sugar...I'll even accept baby. I'm feeling generous," said Alison. Bucky smiled at her and pulled her a little closer.
"How generous?" asked Bucky trailing a hand down her back. Alison gave him a little nudge and grinned.
"That's for me to know and you to maybe find out. Come on," said Alison and she tugged him over to the Atom Smasher. It was nice to ride a roller coaster with someone and have them not throw up on his shoes. She looked so damn happy as they waited in line to get hot dogs he felt an odd lump in his throat and he didn't know why. Alison took their hot dogs and went to hand him his and she looked worried.
"Bucky?" asked Alison. He shook his head and took the hot dog from her. "Come on. Let's go walk on the beach," said Alison. She nudged him towards the beach as they ate hot dogs.
"Wasn't I supposed to win you bear?' asked Bucky and Alison wove her fingers through his and squeezed.
"You can after we take a walk on the beach," said Alison. She slipped off her shoes and held them by the straps as they walked. Bucky felt off and he wasn't sure why. Alison leaned into him has they walked. The silence between them was peaceful and yet Bucky couldn't help but feel like something was off.
"What's going on up there?" asked Alison looking up at him.
"I think I'm dreaming again, but it's different somehow," said Bucky running a hand down her arm and feeling smooth skin. Alison sighed and took his other hand.
"We're so used to bad dreams we don't know what to do when we get a good one," said Alison. She looked sad suddenly and Bucky wanted to kick himself. Alison looked at the water and a small grin crossed her face.
"Let's go for a swim,"said Alison and she tugged him across the beach.
"I'm really not dressed for a swim and neither are you," said Bucky. Alison rolled her eyes and her grin got bigger.
"If this is a dream then it doesn't matter," said Alison. She sat her shoes down and Bucky stood there stunned as Alison stipped down to her slip and bra. She took a few steps into the water and turned back to look at him.
"You either get undressed and come with me or you can watch me," said Alison. Before he could react she waded out and was almost waist deep when he found his senses. He wasn't sure what was going on, but only a idiot would refuse to follow her in. He stripped down to his boxers and waded into the water.
Alison grinned and started swimming out to deeper water and Bucky shook his head before swimming out after her. He was a decent swimmer, but clearly she was much better at it and was floating with a smirk on her face when he finally did catch up to her.
"Glad you could make it," teased Alison.
"I think you're part fish," said Bucky and Alison laughed.
"I told you I liked the Little Mermaid. I spent a lot of time in the water when I was kid during the summer. Well in between band camps," said Alison. She treaded water and Bucky pushed her hair back.
"So is this us being stupid in love?" asked Bucky.
"I guess it is," said Alison. He took her hand and kissed it.
"It's nice," said Bucky. Alison's face turned a bit red and he wonder how she could blush like that after everything they had gone through. This is a dream. I don't know why I'm dreaming again, but I could stay here, thought Bucky. He allowed himself to float and Alison floated by him.
…
Sam looked down at the monitor that was keeping track of Alison's and Bucky's brain waves. God she's such a nerd she would want a medical record of her brain being in his head while the Littlest Witch pokes around, thought Sam. He looked over at Steve who was still as a statue while their friends were under. Wanda had her hands on Bucky's head and the was a faint red glow as Wanda worked. Her face was screwed up in concentration and sometimes she would wince and shake her head. However the monitors remained unchanged.
God I hope this works, thought Sam. The past few weeks had been long and difficult for all of them, but he knew they had an extra layer of hard for both Steve and Alison. Sam hadn't known about the role Bucky had played in Howard Stark's death, but he had understood why Steve hadn't told anyone. What wouldn't I do for Ally? Thought Sam. However he could understand why Tony might be pissed off, but he could have killed all three of them in his rage. Sam had been stunned to see Steve nursing a few bruises and Alison's leg in a cast when he had been broken out. He also could have let the real guilty party get away. It was more than they Accords now. Sam honestly didn't know if he could trust Tony again to work with him. Sam sighed and watched the monitors.
"Hopefully this works. She's been working so damn hard to figure something out," said David.
"That's an understatement," said Sam.
"Maybe we'll be able to pry her out of all those old files too," said David with a small grin. Sam gave a dry laugh.
"Ally is our personal Twilight Sparkle and I have feeling she'll read every damn one unless we pry them from her cold dead hands," said Sam. David gave him a small grin, but something about it felt off to Sam. He was about to ask when Wanda let out a huge groan and slumped to the floor. Steve was by her side before Sam could even move.
"Wanda? Wanda are you alright?" asked Steve and she nodded.
"I think I got everything out. I just need to rest," said Wanda. Sam got up to help Wanda when Alison let out a small groan of her own. Wanda nodded her head at Alison and Sam turned his attention to his best friend.
"How did it go?" asked Alison sounding sleepy.
"You have no brain waves. Your mind is just a flat line," teased Sam.
"At least it has a line unlike yours," said Alison. Sam started undoing the restraints when Bucky spoke up.
"You know I'm really getting tired of getting to the best part of my dreams only to be woken up," said Bucky.
"I'm sure we can put you back under," called out David.
"How do you feel?" asked Steve.
"Alright. Sleepy. We won't know if it's out of me unless we test it," said Bucky.
"We can test it later. You three need some rest," said Steve. He helped Wanda over to a chair before undoing Bucky's restraints.
"I'm fine," said Alison. She went to get up and nearly fell over.
"Oh yeah. You are super fine," said Sam wrapping an arm around her waist. Alison rolled her eyes.
"Give me a minute," said Alison.
"We can test it in the morning. All three of you are going to get some rest. That's an order," said Steve seeing that Bucky was going to say something smart.
"I hate it when you pull rank," said Bucky.
…..
Bucky was sort of glad they were going to wait till tomorrow morning to see if what Wanda had done had really worked. If it didn't work he would have to go back under. He didn't mind it. It was better and safer for those around him if he was under if he still had Hydra programming in him. He just wished it wasn't so hard on Steve and Alison. They would see it has a personal failure on their part if this didn't work. They would be mad at themselves for waking him up and putting him through something that was a false hope. It hadn't been all bad. He had gotten some much needed time with both of them.
Alison was curled up on her side sleeping and Bucky toyed with her hair. The green stripes had fade and he was sort of sad to see them gone. They looked nice on her, thought Bucky. He pulled her close and was going to see if he could doze off again when he heard Alison muttering.
"I wanna stay here with you. I'll be good. I promise."
"Ally. Alison wake up," said Bucky. She was dreaming and he didn't think it was good dream. She let out a small cry in her sleep and Bucky shook her lightly while talking to her.
"Sweetie wake up. It's just a dream," said Bucky. All those nights she would wake me up telling me the same thing. Alison jerked awake and it took her a few seconds to take in where she was and that he was with her.
"I'm sorry," said Alison looking embarrassed.
"Remember what you told me when I woke you out of dead sleep and I would apologize?" asked Bucky.
"That you had nothing to be sorry about. It happens to us all," said Alison shaking her head. "Not fair using my own words against me," said Alison.
"What were you dreaming about?" asked Bucky. He had seen her wake up on a few occasions from a nightmares she had about her experience during the Invasion. This one seemed different though. She sounded meek and worried when she had been talking in her sleep, not the panicked muttering and screaming he was used to from her and her nightmares.
"My mom," admitted Alison. "I've been dreaming about her a lot lately," said Alison. Bucky nodded and waited for her to go on. She didn't talk a lot about her parents, they had both died when she was child and it hurt her to talk about them.
"Well it's more of a memory I think. I'm with her in the hospital. I didn't realize it than, but she was dying. Her kidneys were shutting down...she was having a dialysis treatment . The adult nurse in me can make sense now of what I couldn't when I was kid. I'm watching her draw and I'm about to go sleep and then there are three people in the room. I can't see their faces and my mom says I should go with one of them. The one who wants me to go with him seems nice. He offers to get me a milkshake. I didn't want to leave her though and...I can't remember who those people are. It's like I should and I can't. I don't know why this is bugging me now. I've had twenty five years to think about it and I didn't think about it until the last few weeks. Or maybe it is just a dream about my fear of failing. I don't know," said Alison.
Bucky squeezed her hand carefully and thought about what to say before speaking.
"When I was having all those dreams about my mom and Becca and coming home you said it was my mind's way of letting me know I missed them. I know you miss home and all of this has been really hard. Maybe your mind is trying to tell you that," said Bucky.
"I do miss home, but it's more than that with this dream...memory...whatever it is. It's like I'm missing something and I can't figure it out," said Alison. She sounded upset and Bucky pulled her close to him. It had been so easy for to help him and now she needed to be reminded how to help herself.
"Maybe you're trying too hard. You know how hard it was for me to remember stuff at first. I would push myself to remember something and it just got all mixed up with other memories. It would take us all day just to untangle one thing I really wanted to remember. If you really want to remember it you can't force it. I know it sucks. If this is really a memory about your mom and if you really want it, you just have to let it happen," said Bucky. Alison raised her eyebrow.
"I'm a terrible psych nurse. I became romantic with my patient and then he uses our sessions to talk me through my own mental issues," said Alison.
"You aren't a terrible psych nurse. I don't care what anybody says about our relationship and I'm sure you would have figured out sooner or later...you've been trying to figure out at least ninety different things right now. You just needed a nudge. It's sort of nice being able to help talk you off a ledge," said Bucky. Alison took his hand and she look nervous.
"Do you really want to wait and see if this worked or do you trust me?" asked Alison.
"I trust you with my life. I don't trust myself with yours," said Bucky.
"I wish you would. I know you...the real you. You're a good man James Barnes and falling in love with you was hard for a lot of reasons, but I don't regret it. I really want to be with you no matter what happens. If this didn't work and we have to go back to square one I'm going to be here until it does work and you get to stay who you really are," said Alison.
Bucky squeezed her hand in his. He wished he could put both hands on her. He wished that they could just go and float away in the ocean somewhere. That they didn't have a care in the world. This was who they were though. Two slightly messed up people who wanted to make things right for others. The world would never understand them or all the reasons for why they loved each other, but it wasn't for them to understand.
"I trust you," said Bucky. He closed his eyes and waited. It felt like forever before she said anything.
"Spudnik," whispered Alison. Bucky waited to lose his train of thought. To slip into total blackness and wake up confused. Nothing happened. He didn't feel anything.
"Say the others," demanded Bucky gripping her hand tightly in his. She spoke them softly into his ear. His grip on her hand got tighter as he waited for that hazy to come over him. He waited to lose himself to those words and found it wasn't happening.
"James?" asked Alison. He looked up at her and felt tears burning in his eyes.
"I'm still me," said Bucky. Alison hugged him tightly and started going on about how they should do again tomorrow with someone else just to make sure this was really set in stone and how they might want to test every so often to make sure it had really taken. Bucky took her face in his hand and shook his head.
"You really do talk alot," said Bucky and he resorted to the only way he knew to make her stop talking.
Notes-Sorry for the lag...writer's block is real and she's a bitch.
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