Stef
I can't believe that i said that too her and i don't remember what she said back. I was drunk did i even mean it? Maybe i'm not gay but just like her. Is that possible? Maybe i do truly love her. I never felt this for anyone it can't just be a phase, right. Besides the only person i felt even slightly close too like this with before was Tess. Them both being girls can't be a coincidence. Also i have never liked sex so much. I guess the question is more like how could i be straight?
Lena
I don't know what to say to her about what she said yesterday. What if she really meant it? What if she didn't? Which one would be worse. I really care for her but what if i'm wrong about her, like i was before. She seems like she cares but so did Alisha. I need too talk too her.
12:37 she should be awake by now even with the late night and being hung over.
She didn't pick up but called right back.
"Hey sorry i wasn't by the phone" she said.
"It's ok" i said. "We need to talk about last night"
"I agree do you want too meet up at the coffee shop?" she asked.
"Uh yeah that sounds good when can we meet up?" i asked and i'm almost ready to leave now.
"I can be ready to be there in half an hour" she said.
"Ok meet you there bye" i said and finished getting ready.
I still don't know what i'm going to say to her. What if she really meant it?
Stef
I got there and tried to think of what to say to her. How am i suppose to explain how i feel too her if i don't understand it myself. She came in and i smiled at her.
"Hey" she said.
"Hey… I'm sorry i said that last night i shouldn't have called you drunk" i said and she nods.
"Did you mean it?" she asks and i have no idea what to say.
"I don't… I don't know what's going on." i said and she gave me a confused look.
"All my life i have been told that this is wrong and i…" i tried to explain.
"...am scared" she finished for me and i finally met her eyes.
"So am i" she said. "I kinda think i'm falling for you and i just can't right now"
"I feel like i'm falling for you to" i admitted as the waitress came up too take our orders we both stopped ordered coffee and then sat in silence for a while.
"I don't know how to know if i'm gay" i confessed and she smiled at me laughing a bit too herself.
"There isn't a test or experiment if thats what you're asking" she said and i sighed. I wish there were a step by step experiment i was pretty good in science classes.
"Yeah of course not that would make it too easy" i complained and she smiled at me.
"I think you're overthinking it" she said.
"Overthinking it?" i asked and she nodded.
"The easiest way to figure it out is too forget the thing thats keeping you from realizing. You're dad, for example, what he raised you too believe. That doesn't decides if you're gay or not it just decides if you're come out" she recommend.
"Forget?" i asked she makes it sound simpler than it actually is.
"Yeah find a way to push that all the way to the back and just think what makes sense then" she advised. What makes sense? I think the best way to think of that is too recall last night. I didn't even think of the negative stuff that will come from me being gay, i just thought i needed her and that was the only thing that made sense than.
"Listen either way we need time" she said like that was the bottom line.
"I know i care about you but with everything that has happened lately i just need…" she started to say.
"Time" i finished and she sighed.
"To be able to trust again, fully." she said sadly.
"Do you want to talk about it?" i asked seeking out the opportunity to start earning that trust. She looked hesitant and i decided to give her some reassurance.
"I'll tell you something that i don't want too talk about if you talk too me about it, I'll go first if it makes you feel any better" i said and she nodded.
"Deal" she said.
"Ok when i was in college for that short time i had this roommate who i guess i had a bit of a crush on. We were good friends but soon she started to notice that i acted a little different around her…" i said and she smiled at me with a knowing look.
"What you got all nervous around her?" she asked taking a sip of her coffee.
"Yeah and like got jealous of her and her boyfriend, was constantly trying to be around her all that lovely stuff. I just didn't really know why i was feeling that way. Anyways she figured out i had a crush on her and she switched rooms stopped talking to me, completely iced me out. When i saw her a month later at the grocery store she acted like she didn't know me but i confronted her wanting to know what i did wrong. She told me she can't be friends with a dyke and left never talking to me again" i explained.
"I'm sorry that sucks, i hate when that happens" she said like it happens too her all the time. The sad and scary thing is it probably does. Could i really handle that?
"Anyways" she said awkwardly.
She sighed and looked up at me as if debating if she actually want to do this. I gave her a reassuring nod and she smiled back at me.
"The one day… um she wanted sex and i wasn't in the mood" she started awkwardly. Oh god i don't like the sound of this. I swear if she made her have sex with her… i honestly don't know what i'll do but i'll be pissed thats for sure.
"She um... got mad and assumed i was having an affair" she admitted. I can tell she hasn't told people this.
"She um hit me and stormed out. The next day she bought me flowers and acted like nothing happened." she said and i took her hand.
"I'm sorry" i said not really knowing what to say.
"I haven't told anyone that yet" she said confirming my earlier belief.
"Well i won't tell anyone i promise"
Lena
I walked through town and the got the feeling that people were staring at me. Is someone following me? I looked behind me and no one looked suspicious so i kept walking.
'It's all in you're mind,Lena' i thought but couldn't stop the panic feeling.
'Alisha is in jail' I reminded myself. I kept walking but couldn't swallow the rising fear. I can feel my heart beats speed up and breathing got harder. Great i'm having a panic attack.
'You're fine, Lena! No one is after you' logic reasoned trying to reassure me.
'What if Alisha broke out of jail?' my paranoia argued.
'What if she is following me?' I pulled my phone out. I need to call Stef.
"Hello" she said.
"She's following me" i said knowing i sound crazy. I feel crazy.
"Calm down… Alisha is in jail. She's not following you" she said in a soothing voice.
"Where are you?" she asked when i didn't answer.
"Um… Main street near the pizza place" i said in between gasped breaths.
"I'm on my way, hang tight" she said and in a couple of minutes she pulled up next too me. I got into the other side.
"You ok" she asked grabbing my hand awkwardly. For some reason i randomly burst into tears.
'Good job, Lena. Now you are crying and having a panic attack in front of her way to be completely embarrassing.' i thought.
She hugged me through and i can't believe how much safer it made me feel.
"You're having an anxiety attack, breath in through your nose and out through your mouth" she instructed and i tried to do as told but it's so hard to breathe.
"Shh… honey it's ok" she said squeezing my hand.
"No... it's not" I said and she shook her head.
"Yes it is" she said starting to drive back to her house.
"Breathe in through your nose out through your mouth" she repeated doing it as she said like a demonstration. I was a little more successful this time and it started to calm me a little. We finally got to her house a few minutes later and she opened the door for me.
"Make yourself at home, I'll make you some hot chocolate" she said going into the kitchen. It was such a simple thing but it made me smile. The fact that she remembers making me hot chocolate the last time just makes me feel special for some reason.
"Thanks" i said.
"Of course, love" she said without even a second thought. Love? I like it especially how easily it rolled off her tongue. Sure she called me honey before but love is different it's more of a couples thing. Me and her as a couple the idea just sounds so perfect.
"I mean…" she said awkwardly.
"No it's ok" i said walking out too the kitchen. She turned towards me and looked nervous.
"Um hot chocolate should be done in a minute" she said as if she wanted to say something else but panicked and said the first thing that came to mind.
"Oh yeah, thanks" i said. What did she want to say to me? I need to get her to open up too me. I want to feel close to her and i don't want to leave. She's the only one that made me feel safe like that and i feel like if i go the paranoia will come back.
"Um i hate to ask?" i said awkwardly. What am i doing? Man i'm bold today.
"What is it… you can ask me anything." she said honestly.
"Um… ok i don't want to sound needy but would you mind if i stay here tonight" i asked and she smiled as if she wanted me to ask.
"I would love for you too stay the night… it could be like a sleepover" she joked trying to ease the tension. I laughed awkwardly, glad i'm going to be staying the night.
A few announcements:
1. I was on a wifi-less vacation for the last few day which is why i haven't been updating, sorry.
2. Parallel Universe should be updated soon
will be brought into the story in the future, but she will not have a major plot line and she will not be with Lena Thats just how i believe it needs to go in order to make the story work properly
review and let me know what you think i love hearing from you