"Never is a promise" by Fiona Apple

Never is a promise

Youll never see the courage I know
Its colors richness wont appear within your view
Ill never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you

Youll say you understand, but you dont understand
Youll say youd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you cant afford to lie

Youll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
Youll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than Ive ever shown - to you

Youll say, dont fear your dreams, its easier than it seems
Youll say youd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you cant afford to lie

Youll never live the life that I live
Ill never live the life that wakes me in the night
Youll never hear the message I give
Youll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you

Youll say you understand, youll never understand
Ill say Ill never wake up knowing how or why
I dont know what to believe in, you dont know who I am
Youll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and Ill never need a lie

Chapter 14

Still looking into Faith's eyes- both Faith's eyes, younger and older- Buffy spoke to her softly but firmly, addressing the older Faith rather than the memory standing before her.



"Faith... Faith, I know you're in there."

"What are you talking about?" Adolescent Faith interrupted quickly, her tone belligerent even as her posture and eyes scream ou her fear. "How the hell do you know my name? What the hell do you want from me?"

"Faith... Faith, I know you're in there, I can see you," Buffy said quietly, trying to ignore the younger girl, to focus on the person hiding in her gaze. "I want you to know.. I'm sorry. For everything that was done to you, for the suffering you lived... I'm sorry."

Something in the other girl's eyes shifted subtly, darkening, expanding outward, and though she did not move, did not give off any signs of it other than that flicker in her eyes, Buffy knew that an important change had just occurred. It was still Adolescent Faith's body before her, but the eyes were now entirely those of the older Faith. It was nearly completely she who now stood before Buffy now, in spirit if not body... and when she spoke, she used her own voice, as husky and sneering as Buffy was accustomed to.

"Oh, you're SORRY, B?" she asked her sarcastically, her eyes narrowing even as her mouth tipped without real mirth. "You think you're sorry?"

Sudden her calm, cynical tone was gone, replaced by her suddenly impassioned shouting as she leaned towards Buffy, her hands moving wildly with her outburst.

"You're NOT sorry, B, you're not fucking sorry! You just feel like you have to, that's all you are- you just know what's fucking expected from you, so you live up to it like a good little girl, a good little slayer, so you can get a pat on the head or a cookie or something! You don't REALLY care, because it's not YOU! You don't understand-you'll NEVER understand- because it isn't you, it isn't your life, and it never will be!" Faith cried out, her chest beginning to heave, her breathing quickening, shallow and noisy with her rising strong emotions. She glared ant Buffy fiercely, as if daring her to contradict her, daring her to make a move in her direction.

"Faith, listen to me," Buffy said, struggling to stay calm, sound reasonable, to keep the desperate anxiety from entering her tone. She had no idea how much time she'd already been in Faith's head- and it wasn't like she had so much time to work with.



"Faith, you are wrong. I am sorry- I'm sorry as hell for what you had go through. You were just a little girl, and none of it should have happened. NONE of it. It wasn't your fault-"

"Like you really give a shit!" Faith interrupted, her voice nearly a hiss. "Like you really would have cared if-"

"I DO give a shit, Faith!" Buffy cut her off, and her voice was very bit as fierce as the other girls as she stared hard at her, willing her to believe, to accept her words as truth. "I DO care. I care so much that I wish all of that was real- all those people who did that to you wre still there- so I could personally maim every single of them them. I care, Faith," she repeated, and she was slightly dismayed to hear her voice trembled, to feel the tears pricking behind her eyes. "But you can't stay in all that like you're doing. You can't hide behind all that anymore. They happened, and I hate that, I hate what was done to you... but you have to leave it here where it belongs. It happened, and you can't change that- but it's not happening anymore. It won't happen to you again... unless you let it, unless you keep reliving it."

Buffy took another step towards Faith, trying to ignore the stiff fourteen-year-old body, the disbelief and defensiveness in her eyes, and looked at her pleadingly, softening her voice.

"Faith... Faith, you have to let it go. You have to come back with me. You have to come back where you belong."

"I don't belong fuckin' anywhere or to anyone, BUFFY," Faith sneered, her lips curling up hostilely, as she continued to glare at her blackly, apparently unmoved. "You come in here diggin' all around, doin' all this head trip shit, tryin' to 'comfort' me, tryin' to 'change' things, thinkin' you could ever have a snowball's chance in hell of knowin' what I'm about. You DON'T understand me, B- you do NOT understand! Look at me- look at me and TRY to tell me that you're doin' right here, TRY to tell me you fuckin' understand me!"

Faith's voice had risen up in volume and pitch, a nearly anguished shrillness to it that Buffy had never heard before. Buffy stared at her, hurt, worry, and frustration mixing within her..

And then it hit her suddenly, so unexpectedly she doubled over, temporarily unable to breathe. As the sensations rolled over her, rapid, vivid, memories and feelings, thoughts and emotions, she knew that they were not hers, but Faith's. Somehow, Faith was giving Buffy her own memories, forcing her to experience them as if they were her own.



She saw Faith, perhaps fifteen years old, training with a woman in her late thirties. The woman had one hand on the small of Faith's back, the other in line with Faith's right arm as she manuevered Faith's body easily into the stance she wanted her in, touching her with a brisk efficience that nonetheless also carried traces of the woman's caring and affection for her. Buffy felt the woman's touch as if it were her own body, could feel Faith's equal measures of awkward discomfort and pleasure at the physical contact, the teenager's desire to prove herself and make her proud. Buffy knew, because Faith had known, that this woman had been Faith's watcher.

The next memory flickering through her, mind, body, and heart, was so different in tone that Buffy's body jerked, and she was screaming, her horror, fear, and wild grief equalling Faith's as she watched Kakistos the vampire rip her watcher's heart out, followed by both eyes, her kidneys, and her tongue. Buffy could feel herself shaking violently, the tears streaming down her cheeks as she felt Faith's intense emotions roll through her.

She felt the roughness of the cheap blanket over her, the sagging uncomfortable mattress of Faith's motel bed as she came awake, screaming hoarsely, and thrashing from nightmares. Buffy felt Faith's tears wet the sides of her hair, soaking into her pillow.

Buffy's shared memory shifted again, and she was now looking at herself from Faith's vision, that first time they had met at the Bronze. She could feel Faith's fear and nervousness, knew how hard she was trying to seem badass and cool, how much she was trying to impress them... especially her. She saw herself from Faith's eyes, felt the younger slayer's hurt at her sarcastic remarks and unfriendliness, felt Faith's stir of interest toward her in spite of herself... and the brunette's attraction to her.

Buffy felt Faith's heart speed its beats when Buffy smiled at her in the next several flashes of memories, felt her skin tingle with pleasure when Buffy slung a casual arm over her shoulders... but just as rapidly she felt Faith's deeply settling hurt and rage after Mrs. Post had tricked her. She felt her loneliness and pride, bitterness and despair, when Buffy walked out of her motel room afterwards, leaving her there alone. She felt Faith's intense desire for her to turn around, to come back to her... and simultaneouslhy, her fierce refusal to call Buffy back.

Buffy felt the light-hearted delight swelling in Faith's heart as she stepped out into the snow on Christmas Eve, her surprised amazement even as a wistful wanting for something the brunette herself could not name twisted in her chest. She felt Faith's arousal, her needy, desperate attempts to gratify herself as she slept with Xander, then her panic afterward at the realization of what she had done, what he might now expect to be able to do to her. She saw her own self again through Faith's eyes as Faith danced with her, as Faith's joyful adrenaline and strong desire ran vividly through her chest and torso...

And then Buffy was unable to move, unable to think; she could feel her breath barely straggling forth, her throat closing with overwhelming panic, overwhelming horror and fear as Faith stood in a dark alley, staring at the stake she had driven into the dying Alan Finch's chest. She could barely feel the 

blood pumping in her veins, adrenaline high; all she could think were Faith's thoughts, thoughts made incoherent with grief and shock. Her heart pounded in Faith's motel room as she frantically scrubbed her bloody shirt in the sink, guilt battling out over denial and being deliberately shoved aside. She felt Faith's panic and sense of betrayal as she, Buffy, confronted her, accusing her, forcing her to face up to a harsh reality Faith could not yet handle. She was with her as Faith stood at the Mayor's doorway, her stomach twisting with guilt even as her desperation drove her forward.

Buffy experienced right along with Faith as the Mayor touched her hair, her face, smiling at her warmly, telling her she was beautiful, loving her in a way that Faith had never experienced before. She felt Faith's shy disbelief at his kindness, her need for his approval, his love and acceptance of her- for ANYONE'S love and acceptance of her. But even so, she also felt Faith's strong, confusing blend of anger, hurt, and desire as thoughts of Buffy clouded her mind.

And then she was on the rooftop, facing her own self in Faith's view for the final time. Faith's bitterness rolled through her, her aggression and rage towards Buffy... but also Faith's hurt, her lingering attraction to her and her wistful desire that everything could have gone differently. Most vivid of all, though, Buffy felt Faith's despair, her strong wish to just die, to be killed and have it all over with. She heard Faith's thoughts running in a frantic, nearly nonsensical chant in her mind until she felt her mind would implode.

Save me, kill me, save me, kill me...save me kill me save me kill me save me...

Save me...

Kill me...

All the emotions, all the memories and thoughts, visions and anguishes of Faith's past year filled Buffy all at once, swelling inside her as her heart raced, her eyes wide and horrified even as the tears poured from them uncontrollably. She could barely sense Faith watching her, dark eyes still bearing hard into hers as Buffy trembled harshly, weeping, unable to stand the pain any longer.

"No," she managed to choke out, "Oh god, no... I c-can't do this, I can't t-take this, oh my god, no... Faith, no, Faith, please..."

Closing her eyes tightly, but unable to vanish Faith's memories, unable to close off her emotions, Buffy shook with her sobs. She couldn't take it... she couldn't...

Without thinking about it, without hardly realizing she was doing it, she found herself lifting her hand, and with her other hand, jerkily jabbing at the implanted chip. Before she could make sense of it, she could feel herself spinning, and once more she was falling, spiraling down into nothingness.