Er...

WARNING: THIS CHAPTER WILL VERY CRAK! SO CRAK, I HAD TO SPELL 'CRACK' WRONG TWICE! OOC UCHIHA BROTHERS! And slight references of the Bird and Bees thing...

Enjoy!

Chapter 13: Of Birds and Bees

Once my face had stopped running blood like a faucet-

'That was broken in half…'

-Pein and the others approved of my "bodyguard" choice -

'That sounds kinda… wrong'

-Sasori changed out of the uniform, and continued to catch up on the Naruto manga that I allowed him.

I decided that that stupid 'you're forgetting something really important' feeling was referring to tomorrow.

After dinner, I subtly hinted to Yamato that he should do the Four Pillars House technique in the empty lot by the riverside where everyone first showed up.

"Hm… I'm running out of room here… and beds… crap, what am I gonna do now?" I muttered out loud, hoping that he'd pick up what I was hoping he'd do.

"Hey, Captain Yamato! You remember that cool Jutsu thing you did in the middle of the forest after Sakura-Chan totally creamed that Sasori guy?" Naruto yelled, not noticing that the 'Sasori guy Sakura-Chan totally creamed' didn't look too pleased about being referred to in that manner.

"Naruto-Kun, Captain Yamato did more than one 'cool Jutsu' in the forest that time. Could you be a little more specific?" Sai asked, leaning against the hall door.

"You know! That one where he made that huge house come up outta the middle of the ground? The one where we spent the night in, planning on how to meet up with Kabuto? That one!" The energetic blond spread his hands out for emphasis, nearly cracking Kisame's nose.

"Oh… that one… yeah… well, if I must…" And Yamato, A.K.A. Tenzō, walked outside to the spot behind my backyard and formed the Hand Seals.

"Mokuton: Shichūka no Jutsu!"

Immediately, the roots from the surrounding trees and other plants shot out of the earth, and merged together, forming a large "house" with the Konoha leaf above the entryway.

"Hm… not bad, Te- I mean, Yamato." Kakashi stared up at the structure, looking mildly impressed.

"This is the normal size… you think I should put the Seals around it, Kakashi-Senpai?" His-

'Don't call him kōhai!'

-ok, ok, his uh… colleague, there we go, wondered out loud.

"Nah, you'll be fine. The only things you'll need to worry about are the boars and possibly monkeys that sometimes hang around here…" I strolled up beside the 2 ANBU and former agents.

"What? The boars, you idiot, the boars! Oh..." Zetsu appeared between me and Kakashi, something that looked a lot like a piggy corpse hanging from his mouth.

"Oh- that is sick, man! Go eat that thing somewhere else!" Sasuke came from behind, and shooed the feasting plant type thing away.

"Sorry about that… come on inside, Hikari, everyone wants to know what the plan for tonight is."

It was more of an order, and Sasuke just kinda… dragged me back to my own house.

"Ok… so we currently have 20 futons, and we have… how many? One, two, fourteen… 20 people. So… I guess everyone gets a bed, and whoever's on the couch, and Pein and Konan are sharing my parents', yeah?" I recounted the group of ninjas stuffed into the living and dining rooms, just to make sure.

"And Zetsu is… outside, watching out for whatever, right?" Itachi clarified.

Said… unique Shinobi, for lack of a better word, disappeared through the floor and poked out of the maple tree next to the genkan.

"Can I stay with you?"

"What?" Did I hear him right?

Sasuke repeated the question, and even threw in his evil Puppy Eyes no Jutsu for effect.

"Why…?" I was getting weaker by the second, due to his Forbidden technique that he had initiated so amazingly.

"Yeah, why, un?" Deidara jerked me onto his lap, nearly crushing my middle with how hard he was holding it.

"Because, you fool, she's mine, and I intend for it stay that way." Sasuke spat back, yanking me off the blond and up to my room.

Deidara looked about ready to burst into a waterfall of anime tears for being called 'fool' twice in less than 3 hours.

"Hey… Sasuke?"

"Yes?"

"Uh… it's only 8 o'clock… why'd you bring me up here so early?" I felt around for the light switch, then flicked it on once I found it.

The Missing Nin standing in front of me winced from the sudden change of brightness, then turned slightly pink and suddenly found the wood floor very interesting.

"Well…?"

He didn't say anything for about 5 seconds. I swear, those were the longest 5 seconds in the universe.

"… because… I don't like those 2 guys downstairs…"

Slap me with a salmon, there's like, 15 guys downstairs! Give or take a few…

"Which ones?"

"… the one with red hair- not Gaara, and the guy that looks like Ino…"

"What about them? I don't think there's anything wrong with Sasori and Deidara…" I slid down the door and sat against it.

"M… I don't like the way the blond looks at you, and how he… you know… touches you… and why are you taking Sasori to school with you?"

Unknown emotion 58-203.43T flashed across Sasuke's face.

'Really? I thought it was more like 38-493.21W…'

Shut up. He sat down as well and continued to stare at the floor.

"Sasori's coming with me because he'd stand out the least, aside from his non-Japanese hair color. Plus, the uniform fits him. And Deidara? Neh, I get looks like that all the time from the guys at school. I'm ok with it. they know not to mess with the big, bad American banchō*." I shrugged.

Sasuke laughed a little at the description I gave myself.

"You? A banchō? Are you serious?" He looked up at me, a teasing light shining in his dark gray eyes.

"Yeah, sure, why not?"

"You're too soft to be one… literally…" He scooted forward, turned to face the roof, and leaned back so his head was resting in my chest, and his body lying between my knees.

'I fear for your... "innocence"... that is, if your sicko mind hasn't already taken it.'

'He called us soft!'

Blushing a(n un-)healthy shade of crimson, I looked up at the ceiling, and focused on not passing out from the randomness of it all.

Sasuke sighed.

'Nope, that's it. I'm outta here. *catches the next train to Tom and Jerry*'

Good riddance...

"So I take it I'm sleeping with you tonight?"

"WHAT?!" I stared down in horror at the guy who was currently lounging on me- crap that sounded even worse than what he said!

"What? There something wrong with that?" He raised a thin eyebrow at my reaction.

"Do you realize what you just said?!" I slid out from underneath him- crap, that was terrible! My disgusting mind is destroying me! AGH!

"Uh... no?"

I said nothing as I ripped open the door and tore down the stairs and into Itachi's arms.

"Your brother! Your brother! Kakashi, Jiraiya, and Sai have rubbed off onto him! Save me!" I cried hysterically into his cloak.

"What did Sasuke do?! Tell me!" His voice sounded... hm, I can't find a word for it.

'I guess that's number... 73-207.45R, yeah?'

Like, a mix of panic, surprise, and annoyance... or something.

Anyway, a Shadow Clone shot upstairs and dealt with the offender while the original Itachi just held onto my shaking form, not exactly sure what he should do.

7 minutes later, Sasuke came down, looking very... I didn't know what it was, so I settled for 'ashamed'.

The real Itachi had me sitting on his knees and laugh- wait. Itachi Uchiha doesn't laugh. Ok, so a weird sound came out of him and he explained what had happened between them.

How he explained it was interesting. He made a Hand Seal and poked my forehead, not unlike the way he used to Sasuke, sending me into a Genjutsu.

-In the world of Itachi Uchiha-

Itachi sat across from his little brother on the floor.

"Sasuke" He started, "I believe now is the time that you learn what happens when a man and a woman-"

Sasuke cut him off.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, they-"

"No, you don't know. Or you shouldn't, anyway. What you just told Hikari-Chan implied the complete opposite of what you intended. Or it should have been." Itachi nodded and crossed his arms like he was an expert on the matter.

Then again, he probably was.

"Ok... so what exactly are you gonna tell me?" Sasuke began acting like the Azumanga Daioh girls listening to Nyamo-Sensei during Summer break at Chiyo's vacation house, eyes open wide and giving his older bro his utmost attention.

Itachi began his lecture about-

'I don't think it's necessary that you elaborate on what exactly it was that he was teaching Sasuke...'

-Real time-

"You have GOT to be kidding me. You didn't know that happens?" Jiraiya's jaw was on the floor, and he was staring at Sasuke like he had grown a 3rd Sharingan.

"Well... I knew the basics, I just didn't quite understand the details..." Sasuke's sentence drifted off into nothingness and he shuffled behind Gaara.

"****, boy, even I know what goes on, and I'm not even ****-in' allowed to do it!" the Jashinist guffawed.

"So... how do you know if you haven't even done it?" Sai cocked his head to the side.

Hidan didn't tell. Nobody really cared, either. They just continued to watch Conan get sealed into a kid's body.

I had a slight headache due to the light Genjutsu I had just gone through, and decided to retire for the night.

"I've got school tomorrow... good night guys... oh, and Sasori, be ready to go at like, 7:45 or so..."

* if you watch Minami-Ke, then you should know what a banchō is. It loosely translates into 'bad ass' or something like that. Yeah... uh... I'm guessing that every Japanese public school has one, I could be wrong, it's just a wild guess.
If you flame me, I will Utakata you!
Utakata: what?
No, not the Jinchūriki Utakata, I mean the Genjutsu that Itachi used on Naruto at the beginning of the Shippuden.
Itachi, Naruto, and Utakata: oh, that one...
Yes, that one. Thanks for reading! Reviews mean faster updates!
-InsaneNarutard0111