Waking up with intense pain both physically and mentally. The feeling that you just lost something dear to you is just unbearable. Knowing a person that you love...hates you. I was traumatized by the whole incident. I cant fathom so many things happening at once. I just wanted to be left alone now. I dont want anyone near me. Dont ask me about what just happened! I feel like I could break down any moment now! Everything happened too fast, it brought me to think that I dont want to live anymore.
Doctors and nurse came into the room. I could not care less about what they have to say or ask. I kept on silent as I have nothing to say. Professor Miyagi came over, he looked so concern. He asked me questions too. I dont want to answer it. I dont want to share anymore stories with him. Im sorry professor. I just dont want to talk...
The day passed by as if I was living in torture. The pain is never ending, the painkillers is not enough. So many things going on in my head but at the same time I feel blank. Lifeless to be exact. I stared at the tv then it suddenly switched off. I only realized then that Nowaki was in the room. No, get out! I dont want to talk to you. Not now...Its just painful even looking at you.
Nowaki called out to my name. I dont want to respond. I am afraid that if I will, Nowaki might hate me more! He would get mad at me, scold me with his poisonous tone. He held my hand and I pulled away. Why are you doing this to me? I asked in my head. I hear Nowaki's voice. He wanted to apologize and asked me to listen to him. Do you think what you are saying now matters to me. That it would affect me?! I keep on asking you for forgiveness, I want to explain but you never listen! Now you say you are sorry?!
He sat on the bed and got closer to me. My immediate action was put into words, "G-get away from me!". Dont touch me, you caused me to suffer so much.
Nowaki continued pleading. But I said "Please- leavee me alone. I dont want to talk to you- right now." the words came from my heart.
He then said things in quite a high tone, saying that he has 'made up his mind', 'never leaving me', and that 'he loves me'.
ALL LIES!
"Y-y-you're lying"
"You h-hate me right? You dont love me. All you said way a lie. H-how can I believe you ?"
He explained further but I did not listen. He hugged me but i want to push him away. I am too weak. I cried so much. IT HURTS!
"You promised that you would treasure me..."
"You said you would never leave me..."
"I am not cheating on you- w-why would you say that?! You d-didnt listen to me."
Nowaki only apologized hearing my words. He hugged me tighter, I cant push him away, not because I am just weak right now but its because of...how much I still love him. With everything happening, I just cant. Not right now. I want to consider leaving you, maybe leaving you is the best way to make you happy. You cant be stuck with a hopeless person like me forever.
Nowaki pushed me away gently and stared into my eyes. I cant look away, he had a strong hold of me. "Would you forgive me for being such an idiot Hiro-san?" he said with that face, that voice. I cant stand it, I want to forgive him right away...but I shouldn't, I cant say anything. I feel so broken hearted.
I cried so hard. He looked more dejected and hugged me tighter. It hurts...but please for now...dont let me go. Nowaki. You meant everything to me, why cant I be the same for you?
Its hot, im burning up. The pain is indescribable...I even wished that I was better off dead. My throat is dry, I cough from time to time. With each cough was like a spear piercing through my body. I can only sleep it off. Tsumori examined me, he explained that I am having a terrible fever. You dont have to tell me, I already know.
Nurses forced me to eat, I dont want anything. I just want to sleep. But I was woken up by Nowaki. Even he pushed me to eat something. I dont want it! Leave me alone!
No matter how much I rejected him, I still see him in my dreams. It was during our happy times. He always had a blank expression but I know whats going on in his head when he bought me that yukata. I declined his advances but later that night I was swept away. Nowaki is a cunning guy. I even dreamt in detail how we cuddled each other that night.
'Nowaki.'
My eyes opened as the morning came. The rays were blinding, but my ears heard a noise. Light snoring. I looked down to my hands and i saw someone sleeping soundly. Black hair? Nowaki? Why are you sleeping here? He was sitting on a chair, his body crouched, his head on the bed and his hands were so close to mine. The IV stuck on my right hand hurts, but I want to stroke on his jet black hair. It is soft. I tilted my bed so that I could sit up. The fever is still bothering me as my head and body aches. My focus was more transfixed to him. Nowaki, your body would be aching if you continue to sleep like this. If only I could talk to him. But my heart refuses to.
The door opened slowly, Tsumori came in quietly and his eyes widen to the sight.
"He must have been friggin tired to sleep here. Looks like he knocked out."
I looked at Tsumori and my eyes went back to Nowaki. I pulled away my hand that was stroking his hair. Tsumori gave me a confused look. He came closer and said with a gentle tone so Nowaki could not wake up.
"You know, Kamijou-kun. I know a lot of things had happened, but how long can you last like this? Do you really want to break up with Nowaki?"
I looked away. I dont want to answer his question as I dont know the real answer myself. Nowaki was the one who wanted to severe ties with me. But his action states otherwise. I dont know if it would be best to break things off with him. But staying with him...would not be good either.
Tsumori continued with a sigh. "Kamijou-kun, I know I am the last person you want to talk too. But please listen to me. I am sorry if I made matters worse when I punched him. We fought, got a warning from the head doctor- not fired of course. But the truth is, I was jealous of Nowaki."
My eyes focused on Tsumori when he said the word 'Jealous'.
"You see, even when I am the senior, Nowaki has achieved so many things within a short period. I couldnt stand that. Even when I claimed that I divorced m ex-wife because I choose work, I am...a bit lonely. No other person spark any interest in me...But then I met you. Nowaki had everything, even you. I was jealous of him." Tsumori said that while looking at me directly in the eye.
I processed everything in my head, but it didnt take long for me to think and say, "I am sorry, I could not return your feelings."
Tsumori was shocked, I was not sure was it because of my words or was it because I spoke. He looked away, sighed, scratched his head.
"Yeah, I thought so. I understand. Nowaki gave me a warning already so everything is quite clear to me."
"Nowaki...did?" I asked but I hate it when my voice is course due to this fever.
"Hmm? Yeah. Kamijou-kun. Do you believe everyone gets a second chance? I know Nowaki has been cruel to you, but please believe me when I say he did it all in the heat of moment. His true intention was to give you happiness. Sure, he messed up...urgh what I am trying to say is Nowaki made a lot of mistakes for this past 2 weeks but I hope you can forgive him and give him a second chance."
I dont know whether or not to believe his words. I do know how Nowaki is. I know there is a possibility that this is true. But it has crossed the line. Even I wish for my own happiness. Even I wish for- Nowaki's happiness.
"You are a good friend to him, Tsumori-san." I tried to smile at him, but he didnt buy it.
"You're still going to leave him?" Tsumori asked as he did not agree with my decision.
I averted my eyes from him, then I added "I already gave him a second chance before. I gave him so many chances before..." I didnt want to say more. I hope he understand what I am saying.
Tsumori rolled his eyes, he could not fathom it. But he respects my decision with a condition. "If you really are sure, just make it a clean break. He still loves you so much. It would be hard for him, and...for you too"
I couldnt agree more. I simple nodded my head. I glanced at Nowaki and Tsumori sighed even more.
"But geez, how can he still sleep without even realizing we are talking about him?! Hey, Nowaki. Get up!" Tsumori was almost shouting.
Nowaki woke up, had a small conversation with Tsumori then looked at me. He apologized but I couldnt bring myself to say anything to him. In my head, I apologized to him too. I am sorry for what I am about to do. I love you Nowaki.
Nowaki knew I didnt want to talk to him, he left the room and gave me once last glance. Then he walked away.