So... feel free to hate me! I know it's been like a month since I last updated, and I can make all the excuses I like about work being crazy (which it was) and the internet being down (which it has been) but ultimately this was just a really, really tough chapter to write. And I don't know why.
Hopefully here on out it'll be smoother sailing. Thanks again for all your reviews, favorites, follows and interest!.
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Thorin felt like his entire existence was full of holes lately.
His stomach was hollow.
His mind was hollow – he couldn't remember much of the quest so far (had they even started yet – perhaps they were still on their way to the Shire?) and there were serious gaps before that too.
He was missing his weapons, his memories, his companions, his boys…
Where were the others?
.
Dwalin he'd seen, but he had only grunted and refused to answer any questions.
Why was he tied up?
The warrior in him couldn't believe that he hadn't noticed. Another memory missing – how had this happened?
.
And he was missing something else. Something that he hadn't noticed was missing initially, but when he felt the lacking weight around his neck it was like the air had been punched out of his lungs.
The deep, dark gnawing in Thorin's gut wasn't just because Dwalin hadn't given him anything to eat since yesterday morning.
He could sense it. There was something sitting heavy on his insides that wouldn't leave him alone. A voice that sounded like an eerie combination of his grandfather just before Smaug attacked and a goblin croaking out from the darkness.
.
He could almost hear it, audibly, at times.
That scared him most of all.
.
Because in the clarity of dawn, when the others weren't stirring yet and the birds still slept, Thorin could be honest with himself.
That voice sounded like him.
.
.
-ooo-
.
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Bilbo decided that if he was to confront the wizard, he had to just go in and speak up. All of his dithering had only served to fill his stomach with nerves and overthink what (in his mind, at least) should be a simple, one way conversation.
With that in mind, he cornered Gandalf while the rest of the dwarves (minus Dwalin, who was out of sight strapping Thorin to his pony) were packing up after breakfast and getting ready to finally leave the clearing that had been their home for a few days (yet seemed like weeks).
After all that time trying to decide what to say, what to ask, what to yell, Bilbo had found no words to properly describe the turmoil of anguish swallowing him up whenever he dwelt on Fili and Kili's life.
"Why, Gandalf?"
For a moment the hobbit thought the wizard was once again going to divert his attention or mutter some excuse about "other business". But then Gandalf turned to face Bilbo, and his eyes shone with all the power he had shown back on that night at Bag End. Except instead of a rising deep power seeped in age and thunder, this was a drowning of sorrow pouring out from his eyes.
"I cannot begin to explain Bilbo. At first, slavery was just a practice not uncommon to many races on Middle Earth, dwarves being just one of them. Then later, slavery was something I was hoping I could convince a King of Erebor to eradicate. In Bree I convinced myself that it was for the greater good that Thorin take back the mountain, and I could fix the details later. But now…"
"Details!" Bilbo squeaked. "Fili and Kili are not…"
The wizard seemed to be lost in his thoughts, totally ignoring Bilbo. "Now I wish I had spoken up. When he left them outside at Bag End. When I knew how he was treating them." Gandalf lowered himself onto the ground so he was level with the hobbit. "I cannot take responsibility for all others' actions, Bilbo. If you were to ask Saruman the White, the head of my order, he would tell you that it is the role of the Ishtari to monitor and guide, not to interfere with individuals. But this…"
"We will fix this, Gandalf," Bilbo said evenly. He found himself surprisingly calm. "We will make this right."
"I have no doubt that you will," Gandalf replied with a small smile. "I have no doubt in you at all."
.
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-ooo-
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Contrary to what his sister might have (have? When did it become have?) said, he wasn't stupid.
Thorin knew he had done something monumentally wrong for Dwalin to tie him up and take away his weapons. If he had just gotten drunk, he would have woken to a lecturing Balin, not this.
At least Dis knew when the Ring was gone…
He was fully aware that the Ring was gone! And once again – not stupid, so he knew that whatever he did had something to do with the Ring.
His Ring. The Durin Ring. Dis had no right!
Dis…
What would she say if she saw the boys…
Fili and Kili! He must have done something to the boys!
.
Dwalin's axe heads appeared at the edge of his vision, and Thorin started straining on the ropes. If he could just get enough space to…
"We're moving out."
Dwalin left no room for a reply; he threw Thorin bodily over his shoulder and carried him to his pony waiting nearby. Thorin found himself bound to a saddle, hands tied in front and his pony on a lead attached to Dwalin's mount.
"The boys haven't looked after Daisy properly," Thorin muttered.
Dwalin turned at hit – hit! – him on the leg. "You fixed it so they can't look after anything properly!" he snapped. "And you should talk! You can't even look after your own family!"
"Dwalin!"
Dwalin growled at his brother, but the call was obviously a diversion and he left Thorin alone.
.
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-ooo-
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"Alright there, Kili?"
Bilbo knew he was fussing. Bofur had told him so, when he fell back to ride with them for a while. Aule, even Dori had mentioned something when he came up with Ori!
"Yes, Master Bilbo," Kili chirped. Bilbo marvelled at how comfortable he and his brother where on the ponies. It wouldn't surprise him if they were able to do handstands while riding, their balance was that good.
It was good that they were happy to be riding again. It had been a number of days since the company had moved, and Bilbo, Oin and Balin had been unsure about whether or not Fili and Kili were up for travel again.
Nori had looked ready to slap them around the back of the head, but instead he rolled his eyes and asked why they didn't just ask Fili and Kili themselves.
.
Bilbo did mentally slap himself, later.
.
Of course they had taken precautions. Both boys had been practically – no, literally – ordered to speak up if any of their injuries became a bother again so they could get treatment. They rode a good way behind the main group, with the other dwarves rotating through who would hang back and ride with them. Thorin was kept well ahead, completely separate and constantly guarded. His pony was on a lead and Dwalin would take him away from the main group whenever they stopped.
Kili, who had already seemed better once separated from Thorin back at camp, was virtually bubbling now. He seemed to be taking everything in at once, but not in a 'hyper-aware' sense like Bilbo had noticed previously, but actually appreciating everything afresh. If it were possible to actually soak up your surroundings, Bilbo was sure Kili would.
But Fili… Fili, Bilbo was worried about.
He moved his pony so he was never further than a sword length away from his brother.
And what does it tell you, Master Hobbit, to know how far that is?
He never liked the visiting dwarf, whoever it was, to ride close to him, so Bilbo made sure that he was always between Fili and the others. Bilbo also knew that regardless of orders he would have to physically examine Fili's wounds to make sure they were healing properly, because Fili would never admit to a weakness like that.
He felt so watchful, it was a relief when Bombur came back with lunch. They were eating in the saddle, to help make up for lost time, so he brought them roughly made sandwiches and apples that Nori had apparently stashed away somewhere.
Bilbo thanked him and fell in, still missing Hobbiton's feeding schedule. It took him a couple of mouthfuls to notice that Fili and Kili weren't eating.
"Go ahead boys, eat."
Fili looked down, but not at the food Bilbo had given him. Kili looked sideways, and Bilbo stifled a chuckle while they had another silent conversation made up of eyebrows and nudges.
"Please Master Bilbo, we won't eat until you've had your fill."
Kili spoke softly, but Bilbo was pleased to notice that Kili had managed to look him in the eye for at least part of it.
He steeled himself. "No, I want you both to eat now. That's your share of the food – everyone gets the same and that's yours. I've got mine here."
"But Master Bilbo, we can't…" Fili spoke for the first time that morning.
Bilbo hated himself for what he was going to have to do.
"Fili, I'm telling you that I want you to eat this. Are you arguing with me?"
"No, Master Bilbo!" Fili protested while starting to shove food into his mouth.
I want to whack myself with Bombur's frying pan. Speaking of which, that dwarf vanished as soon as Kili started talking! Sly devil…
Bilbo moved his pony closer so he was between the two of them, choosing to ignore the fact that Kili's legs stiffened (so he won't fall off once he's been hit) and Fili was trying to hide the slight tremor while he rushed to do his Master's bidding (putting on the act for his brother).
Gently – carefully, he still wasn't the best at this riding thing – he let go of the reins and put one hand on each boy's shoulder and patted them softly.
"I'm sorry I had to say that Fili. Please don't choke. I just wanted you to eat what I've given to you. What everyone wants you to eat. I've told you, I'm never going to hurt you, I'm never going to punish you and I'm never going to give you any food that you can't eat."
Bilbo had been hesitant about pushing them too much; he didn't want to put back their progress any further than he already had. But…
"Do you trust me?"
Kili nodded, but Bilbo knew it was only because Kili knew it was the response his Master was expecting.
"Do you trust me not to hurt you? To look after you? Because that's what I'm promising to do. And I will keep proving it to you as long as it takes."
Fili had finally started to relax under Bilbo's hand. "Master, we thank you for your generosity but we cannot eat this. It is too much for us."
"Too good," Kili mumbled.
Bilbo rocked back in his saddle and had to remove his hands to regain his balance. "Too good? That's absolute… This is the food that every member of the Company is eating right now! We will all have the same and you – as two members of the Company – will be eating it also! None of this 'traditional leftovers' anymore! Thorin is not your Master anymore and you don't have to follow his rules any longer. Tell it to me!"
"Tell you what Master Bilbo?"
Bilbo bit his tongue – he was riled up enough that he wanted to berate Kili for still calling him Master but that would be a long time coming.
"Say it. Out loud. Thorin is not my Master. Go on, say it!"
He could feel Fili and Kili exchanging looks over his head. "I'm not crazy! You need to say it until you believe it."
"Thorin is not my Master!" Kili said gleefully.
The hope within him is rising. Finally!
"Thorin is not my Master!" he said again. "Come on, brother! Why can't you be happy – see this for what it is! I told you and you still don't believe me!"
Fili wouldn't meet his brother's enthusiasm but he still opened his mouth. "Master Thorin is not…."
"He's not your Master so don't give him the title," Bilbo interrupted as gently as he could manage.
You monster! You ruined these beautiful, innocent boys all for some Ring! And even now they still can't escape your influence.
Fili swallowed, then took a deep breath. He fiddled with his grip on the reins, and looked over at Kili.
Hopeful.
"Thorin is not my Master."