"Don't Anger Harry Potter"
By Loki Palmer
Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters are the property of J.K. Rowling. Redwoodx, in some ways, I see your point about Dumbledore still breathing. You're thinking he should just be killed off, like that, I take it … but the thing is, while I am going to have him killed off, I'm going to make him miserable in the meantime. You can't bash someone who's dead, after all … it's pointless, like beating a dead horse, you know? Madam Pomfrey's begging me to let her go all Annie Wilkes on Dumbledore next time he gets to visit the Hospital Wing … see "Misery" by Stephen King. It's a great book and movie. Thank God I'm not scared of my fans, but that work pushes the envelope of author paranoia to a new height! Stephen King is, without a doubt, one of the greatest authors of all time.
Then there's the question, "What do [I] have against Gryffindor?" My answer is: Nothing. Ronald "Troll-Brain" Weasley is way too stupid for Ravenclaw, and his only loyalty is to his bottomless stomach, so that tosses out Hufflepuff (not to add in the fact he's lazy). That leaves us with the choices of Slytherin and Gryffindor. Being biased against Slytherin, he would want to go into Gryffindor (it's where all the family has gone, with the exception of the disowned Twins), and let's remember that Harry had not shown up yet. Of course, Harry and Hermione's placement into Slytherin is going to cause a major uproar. I repeat: I have nothing against Gryffindor, just a couple Gryffindors, namely Ron "Troll-Brain" Weasley and Percy "Wand-Stuck-Up-His-Arse" Weasley. If he went into Slytherin, well, his life-span would be shorter … much shorter. It isn't going to be long anyway, especially if what I think is going to happen, happens … [wink]. Feed him to Blinky the Basilisk? There's an idea … so many ways for the Troll-Brain to die … which one shall I choose? [Manic laughter.]
Angel Girl5, looking at the Misuse of Drugs Act of 1971 (the main law covering the use of drugs in the United Kingdom), the maximum jail sentence for possession of a Class B drug is five years, at least that's what I could tell. And yes, he probably has been sucking on something other than lemon drops while incarcerated … sour grapes, perhaps? LOL. Quirrel-Mort is definitely around, but considering that Hagrid didn't come by to pick up Harry on his 11th birthday, the two haven't met before this point in time.
As for Slytherin Neville, oh, boy, am I going to have some fun with his character! Do you remember that total BAMF that Matthew Lewis turned into towards the end of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II"? Yeah, he's going to be something like that. See one of my favorite stories, "The Bad Assery of Neville Longbottom" by Supernova Jes just to get an idea of what a BAMF he is!
Okay, enough of my rambling. On with the story!
Chapter 14
SLYTHERIN. That one word from the Sorting Hat flushed most of Dumbledore's plans for the Greater Good down the toilet, except for one. He sent Hagrid to get his top secret security item from Gringotts, and Hagrid did so with no trouble. The item in question was a rock about the size of an egg, but it was colored blood-red. His friend Nicholas Flamel had created an object called the Philosopher's Stone, a key ingredient in creating the Elixir of Life, which could grant immortality. He knew it would be too good of a prize for Voldemort to ignore. Nicholas, however, refused to give him the Stone, but this was not a problem after all, since Dumbledore managed to create a convincing replica of it – yes, the item he sent Hagrid to retrieve was a fake Philosopher's Stone. He was sure it would not matter – in the end, Voldemort was going to come back, one way or another, and Harry had to be ready for that day. Harry as a Slytherin, though, was still going to be a major headache.
Oy, how he missed his lemon drops, even if that last batch was laced with marijuana and jalapeño. Even though the Wizarding World had no laws against marijuana (it was considered a relaxant), the Muggle world, even Britain, had problems with marijuana, and considered it a criminal offense to even possess it. Four years in a British Muggle jail … oy, vey, the humanity! "Where's a good bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhisky when I need it?" he thought. "Oy, my head …"
Much to his dismay, his headache was going to worsen, as, after the meal started, a loudmouthed Troll-Brain shouted, "WHAT? Potter gets to go into Slytherin with his Lady while I'm left here high and dry? Where's the intelligent Mudblood you promised me, Headmaster?"
Oh, no! Of all the idiots to speak up at this point in time, Ronald Weasley just had to open his giant mouth. Within the split second of shocked silence, Tommy thought to Harry, "Do you want us to respond?"
"Nah, Tommy, wait for it. This is gonna be good …"
Much to the delight of Harry and company, all the Gryffindors (with the exception of Percy) got up and started to give Ron the whaling of a lifetime. Percy tried to stop it, but he, too, joined Ron as a victim, while the Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, and Slytherins were laughing at the Weasley predicament. The beating lasted for a couple minutes, and when it was over, both of them sported bloody noses, black eyes and were unconscious.
"I have to admit, Harry, my opinion of Gryffindor House has risen a hundredfold. They sure have coglioni."
"Refresh my memory, Tommy – what are coglioni?"
"It's an Italian expression and it refers to balls. You remember what balls are, right, Harry? It refers to your Easter basket that, in a few years, will be bouncing around on Hermione's – OW, HERMIONE, WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" This last bit was because Hermione had given Tommy's body a wandless smack.
"Harry does not need you 'arousing' him at this point in time, Tommy, not at the start of our first year."
"So says the perverted little minx who drives Harry nuts every day. I haven't got any giggity in all the time that I've been alive, so try to cut me a little slack! Not only do I have to put up with my hormones, I also have his hormones! HOW WOULD YOU THINK IT WOULD BE?"
Hermione rolled her eyes. "You forget, Tommy, I've seen every one of his dreams. I've even seen the perverted ones."
"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiight..." said Tommy with a strong tone of sarcasm. He looked around the room, and said, "Harry, do you see that man in the purple turban by Professor Snape? I sense he has a piece of me."
"Yeah, Tommy, I got a brief glimpse of him. He has a piece of you centered around the back of his head, is that it? That has to be terrible for him."
"Incoming Legilimency probe from the MOP, Harry. Look in the old man's eyes so I can catch it and give him a taste of his own medicine." Harry did so, as Tommy caught the Legilimency probe and dragged Dumbledore into Harry's mind.
Once there, Dumbledore met a large figure in black armor, who was breathing via machine. "Good evening, Headmaster. You have caused enough problems for Potter, and I have brought you here to warn you that you are going to die very soon."
"Who are you?"
"My name, Headmaster, is not important. Think of me as the Dark Side … of whose power you are ignorant … think of me as the sound of your inevitable death … and the death of all Pureblood bigots who stand in my way."
"Harry Potter needs me and the help I can offer him."
"NO, HE DOES NOT NEED YOUR HELP, AND HE NEVER WILL! You, Headmaster, have helped enough, and your help would have seen Potter to an early grave! I find your lack of respect for Potter to be disturbing..." Dumbledore's body started to choke … "Farewell, Headmaster..." As Dumbledore fell out of his chair, unconscious, Tommy added, "What's my name? Avada Kedavra, bitch!"
Professor McGonagall saw Dumbledore fainting and took charge. "Students of Hogwarts, may I please have your attention?" The crowd of students became silent. "Thank you. My name is Professor McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress and Head of Gryffindor House. Seeing that the Headmaster is indisposed ..." (Tommy snorted to himself) "he had some words to say to you. The Forbidden Forest is what its name implies, forbidden. Several of our older students would be wise to remember this ..." here she glared at the Twins, who shrugged.
"Mister Filch, our caretaker, has a list of items that are banned from the school. If you wish to see the full list, you can find it on his office door. Last of all, the right hand corridor of the third floor is off limits to those who do not wish to die a painful death. That is all, so off to your dorms. Lord and Lady Potter, if you two will come forward please ..."
Harry and Hermione did so. "Yes, Professor?"
"Will you two do me the honor of escorting my Lions to Gryffindor Tower? I'll take care of the Headmaster and Messieurs Weasley. Will somebody please let them know that they will have a month's detention with me, assuming they come to?"
"Of course."
The Angel of Death, unseen, started laughing to himself as he watched the scene. He knew the Manipulative Old Prick didn't have much time left ... nor did these two Weasleys, for that matter ...
Author's Note: HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL! I hope y'all enjoyed this chapter!