If you're curious to see the video trailer for this story, please visit my Livejournal page (link under my profile), LJ username kennedysbitch. It is in the masterpost for this fic.
May 1st, 2009
Two weeks of radio silence had passed since the kiss that changed everything, and Arizona hated herself for every single minute of it.
The moment her lips met Callie's, her whole world felt as though it went from being off balance to perfectly centered. She felt like things might finally start to get better, like they could get better – up until the conversation with her father that derailed it all.
Meeting Callie had changed her for the better, she couldn't deny that. Callie brought up feelings that Arizona had long since forgotten she was allowed to have. It hurt when she thought about what she was doing; she knew it was unfair and that she was acting like a coward, but it didn't change her decision. At least, not at first. She really did believe that listening to her father was the right thing to do and better for Callie in the end.
But Arizona also knew that she let the Colonel get under her skin far too easily, she always had. No matter how many times she told herself that he couldn't control her life, that he didn't even know who she was anymore, somehow he always ended up making her second guess her decisions. He didn't know Callie and he certainly didn't know everything they had been through together, but his words had hit a weak spot and she hadn't been able to shake them off.
Even after that amazing kiss and the underlying feelings that went with it, she was still anxious about what letting Callie into her life might mean. She was broken, she knew that; she had problems that she didn't know how to solve. She wasn't the same person she had been four years ago, and who she was now was still a work in progress. Callie deserved the world, someone who could take care of her and be emotionally available, and Arizona just didn't think she'd be able to do it. Not in this condition.
One look into those deep, expressive brown eyes and Arizona knew she'd be a goner, so she took the easy way out and steered clear of all contact. She took to moping around, wasting hours that could have been spent getting to know Callie. Her energy levels were still non-existent these days, so she spent what was probably an unhealthy amount of time in the dark and dingy motel room, wishing Timothy was there to help her figure things out. He was never afraid to shake some sense into her or tell her what to do, especially when it came to her complicated love life. He was her best friend and probably the only person that could get away with knocking some sense into her when she really needed it.
Since he had died, she had forgotten what it was like to be truly happy. She had lost count of how many times people told her it would come around again, that time heals all wounds. Not for her – her life felt foreign without Tim Robbins alive to share it with. To anyone on the outside looking in, she probably didn't look very alive herself. She had joined the Marines partly to escape those people, the ones that watched her every move following his death and judged her for the progress she wasn't making. For a while she had foolishly thought she would find that human connection again with Callie.
The only bright spot in her life these days was the progression of her physical recovery. Two weeks out of the hospital and she had been to every physical therapy appointment scheduled so far, four to five times a week for at least two hours at a time. Now she was starting to see the results – small ones, but they were there. It was slow and painful but her condition was gradually improving. Most days she could function, others she wanted to lie on the bathroom floor and cry because her leg hurt so badly. Pain meant it was healing, though, so she pushed through it without complaining.
It was hard not to go running straight to Callie each time she accomplished something new. She was the one person Arizona really wanted to share her successes with, however few of them there were. When she looked at Callie she saw a light at the end of a very dark tunnel; forcing herself to ignore that possibility for two whole weeks was pure torture.
Her life these last few years had been one bad experience after another. Coming to Seattle and meeting someone like Callie wasn't something Arizona had ever expected to happen. She had arrived focused on her leg and how to get better, and now the only thing on her mind was the girl she'd let go, the girl that had been there for her more than anyone else had from the beginning. Callie had shown she cared more than any regular surgeon needed to, checking up on her and taking time out of her day to make sure everything was going smoothly. She spent time with her when she was lonely and tried her best to cheer Arizona up. Even though Arizona had been reserved at first, looking back now she knew she would have lost her mind months ago if she didn't have the brunette around to keep her focused on the end results rather than the painful journey it would take to get there.
Her father's words still echoed in Arizona's head, yet more and more these last few days they were accompanied by thoughts of her own – yes, it was unfair to expect Callie to deal with her when she was this much of a mess, but Callie was the one that had proven she wanted to be around when she was never obligated to in the first place. She had stuck with her when things were bad, and she had been the one to discharge and drive her home at the end of her stay. Callie had been the one to offer Arizona a more permanent place to live and insisted that it was to help out with the long recovery ahead. All of that in spite of how difficult Arizona knew she could be when she was stubborn and in pain.
That whole road lead them to the moment two weeks ago when they'd stopped fighting what had been right in front of them all along. Arizona smiled to herself at the memory of their first kiss, finding solace in it through the dark cloud she was trapped in. She had tried to forget how good it made her feel but it was impossible to wipe something that vivid from her memory. The more she tried to move on, the worse she felt.
It took her fourteen days to figure that out. She had felt normal for the first time in three years as they stood together in her doorway; not afraid or angry or lost or scared, but normal, excited, maybe even happy. That was something she just couldn't ignore any longer, no matter how many doubts she might have.
It was in that moment, sitting on her unmade bed while watching television, that Arizona realized no matter how hard she tried, she was never going to get over this woman. Callie was in her system now and there was no amount of 'trying' she could do to forget her. She was sitting there imagining the movie commentary they would be spouting off if they were together at this very moment, then trying to distract herself from it by wondering what Callie was up to at the hospital right now. Then she'd catch herself again and turn her thought process to something else entirely – and yet it didn't matter. Each and every time she tried to distract herself, the first thing her mind would gravitate to was Callie. Nothing she did could make her think of anyone or anything else.
Something clicked in her brain and a steady resolved suddenly flooded through her system. It was as though she had been sitting in a pitch black room for two weeks and someone finally reached over to flip on the light switch that was right next to her the whole time.
Screw her father, screw feeling sorry for herself and screw thinking she wasn't good enough for Callie. If she wasn't, then she would try to be better. Callie deserved the best of everything, and if Arizona had any say in it, she was going to be the one to give it to her.
But had she messed things up by breaking the two most important rules of dating before they'd even had the chance to begin? She hadn't called right away like she'd promised she would, and she had avoided all contact since then. Callie probably hated her guts.
Arizona hobbled over to the garbage can next to her bed and bent down to sift through it, searching for the letter she'd trashed days before. She knew it was way better than any speech she could give and it wouldn't end in her stuttering like a fool. She just needed to figure out a way to get Callie to read it. If she did, if she saw how Arizona truly felt about her, then maybe she would at least give her the chance to explain.
Pulling her brown jacket over her shoulders and checking to make sure she had her lucky dog tags hidden underneath her shirt, Arizona stuffed the letter into her pocket and set out for the hospital via crutches and a cab. She had physical therapy that morning and knew for a fact, thanks to Teddy, that Callie would be working the day shift. Therefore she would be around to remove her cast.
She was going to make things right if it killed her – the old Arizona Robbins would never have rolled over and played dead so easily. It was about time she took charge of her life again.
What better way to start than groveling for forgiveness?
#*#*
Two weeks with a stupid, smelly, itchy cast made Arizona despise the notion of plaster in general. The thing made her grouchy and was a pain in the ass to have attached to her body twenty-four hours a day, so getting it removed was a major milestone and cause for celebration.
It was nerve-wracking at the same time; fresh x-rays were to be taken afterward and then she would know more about her future prognosis. From here on out, her physical therapy would depend on how soon she could put weight onto the broken bones and swollen joint, which in turn dictated how long it would be before she could try to walk without crutches. That was a day she was looking forward to – if it ever arrived.
Today Arizona planned to shuffle in, flash Callie the best smile she had ever produced, say she was sorry, hand her the letter, and hobble out the door cast-free. Later that evening she would text her when she knew she was off work and wait to see if she got an answer.
Something in the back of her mind kept whispering that it would be a little more complicated than that. She ignored the voice for now. All she really knew was the first step – looking into those beautiful brown eyes for the first time since they'd kissed, and for the first time since she'd left Callie hanging with the promise of a phone call and a date, neither of which actually happened.
God, she felt like such an ass.
Arizona was an internal processor. She needed time to stew in her own head before she could grasp the obviousness of what was right in front of her. It always seemed to come back and bite her in the ass. At least this was a start; she knew when Callie saw her that she wouldn't be able to walk away without saying something, at least. That would be her saving grace – or so she hoped.
After her physio session, Arizona arrived at the exam room she was scheduled to be in and pulled herself up onto the table, swinging her bad leg gently back and forth over the side. That one simple movement was such progress that it made her smile. Callie had done exactly as she'd promised and every time Arizona looked at her leg, she still couldn't believe how much better she was doing. Dr. Torres had stumbled into her life and helped her get well on her way to walking again, just like she'd promised. Now it was Arizona's turn to live up to her end of the deal.
The door swung open and her amusement abruptly vanished when someone distinctly not Callie walked in.
"Dr. Robbins," a male resident with hard eyes and a bored expression read from her chart. "I'm Dr. Karev. Looks like I'm here to remove your cast and take some x-rays."
Arizona blinked. "Um. No, you're not. Dr. Torres is."
"She's busy," Alex answered flippantly, tossing the clipboard aside.
"Then go get her." Arizona's brow ticked impatiently. "I want my surgeon to be the one to remove the cast. You don't look a day over twelve."
Alex scowled. "Look, you can either let me take this thing off now or you can leave and saw it off at home with a butter knife. Your pick."
Arizona would squash him like a bug given the opportunity, but right now she was more focused on bullying him into bringing Callie up here instead. "No, what you are going to do is turn around and tell Dr. Torres that as her patient, I have the right to talk to her about some questions and concerns regarding my post-op status. And that I'm not leaving until she comes up here and does her job."
Alex sighed. "Look, lady, you didn't call her and now she's pissed. I probably wouldn't want to talk to you either. Maybe you should just give her some space."
Arizona blinked in surprise. "She told you?" It irked her that Callie went and talked about their issues to some frat boy in dire need of an attitude adjustment. Then again, she wasn't really allowed to be mad, given the circumstances.
"Sloan's mouth is bigger than any girl I've ever met. If he knows something, everyone knows."
Arizona closed her eyes and sighed. Great. Callie was probably equally as humiliated that everyone knew she'd been stood up. That would not make this any easier. "Karev, I'm sure you're a good doctor, but right now I really need you to go down there and tell her I'm refusing treatment until she comes up and sees me. Okay?"
Alex gave up, not caring enough to argue. "Fine. But you might be waiting a while; she was pretty pissed." He turned and left again.
Arizona pouted to herself and slumped backward. This was not starting off how she had hoped.
#*#*
Callie was resting her elbows against the nurse's station, doodling on a piece of paper when she spotted Alex striding down the hall. She pivoted in place and glared at him before he could scoot past her.
"Karev. Did you take care of Dr. Robbins and see her out like I asked you to?" She tapped her pen on the desk, waiting impatiently for an answer. She could relax once she knew Arizona had left the premises.
Alex stopped and rubbed a hand along the back of his neck, making sure to avoid direct eye contact. "I tried but she wouldn't let me. She's refusing to let anyone but you touch her. She said she had some questions about her surgery; my hands were tied."
Callie swore under her breath and glowered at him. "You suck, you know that?"
He scowled, unhappy with getting caught up in Torres' lesbian drama. "Look, respectfully, can't you just suck it up and go see her? So she was a bitch and didn't call you, it happens."
Callie narrowed her eyes further .
"I gotta go, I'm scrubbing in with Altman." Alex took off before she could protest.
Crap. So much for that plan.
Callie had spent the entire day knowing she'd probably have to see the blonde at some point. She'd coerced Alex into doing it for her with the promise of future surgeries, but apparently Arizona knew her rights a little too well and now she was stuck.
Double crap.
She really didn't want to face her alone. Arizona was the one who had chased her down, asked her out and kissed her first. Then she had the nerve to say she was going to call and not do it?
Grumbling to herself, Callie walked to the attending's locker room and sat on the bench in front of her locker. This really sucked – she had barely survived the last batch of lying, cheating and disappearing exes. She really didn't think she could take on any more abandonment issues than she already had.
Taking a moment to gather herself, Callie stood up, grabbed a fresh scrub shirt out of her locker and threw it on, then touched up her eye liner and made sure she looked awesome. After all, she wasn't going to let Arizona see her looking anything less than great. She wasn't allowed to know how hurt she'd been, or that she'd spent her lunch hours either moping around the cafeteria or sniveling pathetically in an on-call room.
Nope, she would be the badass, hardcore surgeon that she knew she was – she would walk in there without a word, remove the cast and walk right back out. That was her plan and it had to work. She was going to make damn sure that Arizona didn't try and get to her. This was a professional visit only, nothing more.
Callie gave herself a once-over in the tiny mirror, nodding firmly and spouting off some internal pep-talky type words of encouragement before shutting her locker with a loud clang. She walked out of the room with her head held high and her back straight, jaw locked tightly in place.
Arizona could suck it. Calliope Torres pined for no one.
#*#*
Arizona swung her legs over the side of the exam table for a good twenty minutes, maybe more. She was just debating whether or not to catch a quick cat nap when the door suddenly burst open.
Burst open.
She jumped so hard it nearly gave her whiplash and her eyes widened fearfully when they were met with the hard glare of a very unimpressed looking Dr. Torres. She swallowed back and tried to create that charming, wonderful smile she had planned for earlier.
It was a little shaky.
"Hi," Arizona said quietly, her nervousness slowly beginning to fade as her features softened. "Calliope-"
"Don't." Callie's tone was firm as she stood in the doorway, hands stuffed in her lab coat pockets.
Arizona had become pretty good at reading Callie over the last two months, but right now she was at a total loss.
"You said that you had some questions related to your recovery, so I'm here to answer them. That's it, nothing else." Callie's gaze never wavered. "What do you need from me, Dr. Robbins?"
Arizona winced at the coldness aimed her way. "Calliope, please. I know I don't deserve it, but I need you to give me a chance to explain. I'm sor–"
"No, you don't get to say 'I'm sorry'. It doesn't work that way, Arizona," Callie argued, though she kept her voice calm. Seeing the blonde in person was harder than she'd thought it would be, and she almost faltered in her resolve. Instead she sucked in another deep breath and continued.
"Look, I have a full schedule today, so can we please just get this over with? Do you have any questions or not?" When Callie didn't receive an answer, she turned to leave.
"Callie, wait," Arizona called out. She pushed herself off of the bed and landed on her good leg, wobbling with a bit more momentum than she meant to.
Callie instinctively turned and reached out to steady her, something which gave Arizona just the slightest amount of hope. If she didn't give a rat's ass anymore, she would have just let her fall down and break her face open, right?
"Don't do that," Callie snapped, irritated. "You've done too much work to just slip and dislocate something."
Once she was steady, Arizona licked her lips and continued. "I screwed up, okay? I-I started having all of these doubts and concerns, and I listened to people I shouldn't have listened to, and I'm sorry. But I need you to believe me when I say that you're the only thing I've been able to think about since you left that day."
"If you were doubting things, then you should have come to me and discussed them like an adult," Callie shot back. She took in a deep breath and stepped away. "Look, I can't do this, okay? I'm exhausted and I'm done trying. Can we please just take off your cast so you can be on your way?"
Arizona's heart broke; she couldn't handle seeing the hurt in the other woman's eyes, especially knowing that she was the one who put it there. "Callie, please–" She reached out and grasped her by the arm before she could pull away again. "I'm so sorry. I know it means nothing to you right now and you have every reason on the planet not to trust me, but…"
Callie waited, showing no real emotion. Her poker face throughout this conversation was one to be proud of.
Arizona fumbled for words. "I screwed up. I am screwed up. I'll probably always be screwed up. But the thing I finally realized is that you make me better. You make me feel like...y-you just make me feel, period. That's something I haven't had in a really long time."
"You aren't screwed up, Arizona," Callie said quietly. "Nothing about you is screwed up except that you can't see how amazing you really are."
For the first time Callie looked up and met Arizona's gaze directly, allowing a brief pause before continuing. "But you hurt me. You gave me hope for something and then just – stole it away. Someone did that to me before and it screwed me up. And I can't go through that again, I just can't." She looked away.
Arizona was losing the battle and she knew it, but she refused to give up until she had tried everything. Seeing the unmistakable glimmer of tears behind those brown eyes gave her just the smallest amount of hope that things could turn out differently. "If saying 'I'm sorry' wasn't the lamest excuse I could make, I would sit here all day and say it a thousand times over until it helped. But you're right, I messed up the chance for...us. And that's on me, completely."
Arizona licked her lips and glanced down, sticking a hand inside her jacket pocket and reemerging with the letter. "If you want, you can get your resident to come back here and take the cast off; I don't want to make you stay if you're uncomfortable. But–" She reached out and placed it in Callie's left hand before covering them with both of her own.
"Take this, and I'm begging you to please read it, okay? Don't throw it out, don't burn it. Just read it. It says all the things I'm too verbally challenged to say. Please?"
Callie sighed and fidgeted in place, completely torn in two. "Look, I'm already here so I'll just...I'll take your cast off. But I don't want to talk about this anymore, okay? I'll read your letter and I appreciate that you took the time, but I don't think it'll change anything. I'm sorry." She waited until Arizona reluctantly dropped her hands away, then pocketed the paper in her lab coat.
Avoiding Arizona's gaze entirely, Callie moved around her to put on a pair of goggles and some latex gloves, then grabbed the cast saw and situated herself on the stool at the edge of the table. She was ready for this nightmare to be over with so she could just go find an on-call room and collapse into a coma.
Arizona hauled herself back up onto the exam table, bending down to roll her pant leg up to mid-thigh level. She carefully swung both legs up, struggling a little with her gimpy one but managing to move it without any added assistance from her hands.
She kept her eyes on Callie the entire time, but the brunette remained focused on her task, never so much as glancing her way. Arizona's earlier determination for a good outcome had ebbed away to be replaced with a familiar emptiness. She didn't know what to do anymore.
She'd already done everything she could. Now she just had to wait and see.
#*#*
Callie carefully cracked the cast apart and walked over to the sink, grabbing a plastic basin and filling it with warm water before sitting back down again. She looked up into the blonde's eyes, silently asking for permission and receiving a small nod in return. She soaked a wash cloth in the warm water and slowly ran it up Arizona's bare leg.
Arizona was slightly mortified at how disgusting it looked. "Eww, God. That's just…that's really gross. I'm so sorry."
Despite everything, Callie found herself smirking when Arizona wrinkled her nose. "I'm in orthopedics, remember? I'm used to the whole 'hairy cast leg' thing. It's no big deal."
She took the wash cloth and gently traced it along Arizona's calf, cleaning off the muck the cast cement had left on her leg. She tried not to let her mind wander over to how sexy she could have made this if things had turned out differently, knowing it was only another method of self-torture.
Dipping the cloth into the water once more, she gave the leg a quick once-over before drying it with another towel, inspecting the original incisions and manipulating the joint a few times to check that things were in order. "Everything looks great. It'll probably be pretty sore tonight but otherwise you look fine." She risked a glance upward.
Arizona swallowed hard and managed a small nod. "Couldn't have done it without you. Thank you."
"You really need to stop saying that."
Arizona's smile widened, though it remained soft. "Not gonna happen."
She took in a shaky breath and tried to think of something smooth and charming to say, but came up empty. Whatever mental preparations she'd made earlier were completely forgotten now. "So, will you be taking my x-rays, or...?"
"No, we'll get one of the interns to take care of that," Callie said quickly. "The scans themselves will be sent to the physical therapist and provided nothing surgical pops up, they'll take it from there. Everything seems to be healing nicely, though. I wouldn't worry."
More deafening silence.
Callie knew this was it and it was killing her. She pulled in a shaky breath and stood up, peeling her gloves off and disposing of them in the bin. "Take care of yourself, okay?"
Arizona nodded, out of words that could possibly make this better.
Callie found herself equally as stumped, and for a moment they both stood there, struggling to find anything else to say. After a few seconds, she tore her eyes away and turned on her heels, walking out of the room before she lost her nerve and did something stupid.
Arizona watched Callie leave, her heart sinking into her shoes. It took effort to blink back a sudden well of tears that threatened to spill over, but she managed to keep it together. Feeling sorry for herself would not help fix this mess. Her heart was telling her to jump off the exam table and chase after Callie with more apologies, but her head knew it would be pointless at this time. All she could do was trust her feelings about what was written down with brutal honesty in the letter Callie had just stuffed into her pocket. She had to trust that the letter was good enough to make a difference.
After all, it was all she had left at this point.