A/N: Thanks as always for all the great reviews. And I think we're nearing the end of this story, probably a couple of chapters to go after this one.

Carson entered the infirmary to find his only patient missing, in his place a note had been left on the empty bed.

Carson,

Taken John for a walk. Seeing as no one else around here is capable of fixing him, it seems once again that I have to save the say. I mean seriously, I take a couple of days off, and you just break him even more. You people really need to get in the habit of fending for yourselves.

Rodney

P.S. Er, if this doesn't work and we're not back in a couple of hours, we're down in the chair room.

P.P.S. And don't even think about calling Elizabeth, and coming down now because this will work, and if necessary between Sheppard's gene and my brain we can keep you away.

Beside the note was a headset, Rodney's headset.

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Thankfully Rodney managed to avoid running into anyone as he pushed John through the dimly lit corridors of Atlantis.

Rodney really had no idea what he was going to do or say once they reached the chair room, he was just making it up as he went along. He had decided to take John to the chair room because that's where it had all started. John had always loved the chair, ever since he had first sat in it back in Antarctica, Rodney could see it in his eyes, the same look that he got when he was flying. But that day the love had been displaced by hate, fear. John had been scared, more scared than Carson when he was around Ancient technology, which was saying something.

That's why Rodney had brought him here, not knowing if he was doing the right thing or not, or how John would react, but he had to know what had changed, knew that the chair held the key to it all.

Rodney hadn't told John where they were headed, but he had been able to work it out himself, he knew this route so well, had been down here so many times. He could feel his heart beginning to pound in his chest, just as the butterflies were released in his stomach, as they drew nearer to the chair room. The thing that once held beauty and wonder, now only held destruction and death.

As they rounded the corner, had John been walking he would have stopped. He really couldn't go in there, but Rodney kept pushing, unaware of John's distress.

Rodney palmed the door to the chair room open and John felt like his heart was trying to pound out of his chest, the butterflies in his stomach had been replaced with a herd of elephants, he couldn't breathe. He jumped as he felt a hand connect with his own before Rodney's face swam into view. He could see Rodney's lips moving, but couldn't make out the words above his own gasping breaths.

"John. John!" Rodney was panicking, he hadn't been expecting this kind of reaction from the usually unflappable military leader. He'd faced Wraith, Genii, he'd even volunteered for a suicide mission in a puddle jumper without even batting an eyelid, and here he was having a panic attack over a chair. "John, look at me," he squeezed his arm reassuringly, as John turned to face him. "Nice, slow breaths, okay. In, and out, in and out." Keeping up the mantra, as much to calm himself, as John. After what seemed an eternity John's breathing began to even out, and Rodney could see him visibly relax slightly. "Are you okay?"

John simply shook his head, not sure he could trust his voice at the moment. He could breath again, but his heart was still going a mile a minute, and the elephants were still stampeding.

"Okay, well I'll tell you what. I'll just sit here quietly.."Rodney noticed the smirk that crossed John's lips. "Hey, I'm capable of being quiet."

"Yeah right McKay, whatever you say." Rodney wanted to jump for joy, the John Sheppard everyone knew and loved was still in there somewhere.

"Anyway, I'm just going to sit here until you're ready to talk."

An eerie, uncomfortable silence settled across the room, and it seemed like an eternity before John spoke, "You remember when I told you I liked Antarctica."

"Yes"

"Well, I really did. Like it I mean."

"Okay" Rodney had no idea where this was going, but at least it was a start. " I always suspected you were crazy but that just confirms it. How could anyone like that frozen wasteland, I couldn't wait to get away."

John's face paled, if that was even possible before he replied, sombrely. "It was just me. No one relying on me to protect them. No one to get hurt when I screwed up, and that's just the problem McKay. That's me, John Sheppard, intergalactic screw up. When Carson sat in that damn chair my whole life changed. The only reason I got picked for this mission in the first place was because of the stupid gene. I was only supposed to play guinea pig for all your Ancient toys.

It was Rodney's turn to get angry now, jumping up from his place on the floor, he began to pace the room. "Is that why you blamed Carson out on the balcony, because he sat in the chair?" He rounded on John, "Bloody hell, you selfish bastard, you know what, I'm glad you ended up sitting in that chair that day, because I for one wouldn't still be here without you. Heck, everyone in this city owes you their lives at least twice."

"What about all the people who died because of me. All the people killed by the Wraith, because I woke them up, Sumner, because I shot him, Gaul, Abrahms, because I made a wrong command decision, and…." John's breath hitched as the words caught in his throat.

"Come on John, tell me please. I promise I'm here for you, we all are. We just want to help you," kneeling down in front of John Rodney could see pain locked within John's hazel eyes. To Rodney's dismay John looked away before whispering,

"Don't' make promises you can't keep."

"Hey, look at me. John look at me." Rodney spoke with more force. John turned his head to once again lock eyes with Rodney. "Do you think so little of me, that you think I would abandon you when you need me the most."

"I did"

"What?" Rodney could feel himself getting angry again, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"After Arcturus, you needed me, and I wasn't there for you."

"That was totally different. I deserved that."

"You only blew up 5/6 of a solar system, you didn't deserve it."

For the second time that day Rodney was stunned into silence, only blew up 5/6 of a solar system, how much worse could it get. He was about to say as much to John when he noticed that he was shaking, and his breathing was becoming laboured.

"I killed them. You told me to use the chair, and I killed them."

Rodney removed his jacket, and placed it gently over John's shoulders, although he knew the shaking was from emotion, not cold, but it was the only thing that he could think to do, before placing a reassuring hand on John's arm. "Tell me what happened John."

"I killed them. I thought it was you, you said the Wraith were attacking Atlantis. I was so tired, but you said I had to activate the chair." John could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, "But it wasn't you, it was Alcon. And….and I killed them all."

"Who John? Who were they?"

"The Nacaran's. I murdered them all Rodney. Hundreds of people. Men, women, children." John lost his tenuous grip on his emotions, tears flowing down his cheeks, shaking uncontrollably. He was aware of strong hands grabbing his arms, helping him to stand, before he was being lowered to the ground.

Rodney grabbed him tightly, pulling John's skinny frame into a tight embrace, tears flowing down his own cheeks, as he held his distraught friend.

He had no idea how long he sat there rocking John as the tears continued to flow. He heard the doors whoosh open, and whoever had entered gasped. They must have looked a state.

A/N: Please review!