Chapter Fourteen

Sam blinked slowly awake, trying to figure out where the hell he was. Finally, he recognized his bedroom. Thinking back to try and figure out how he had ended up back here, he froze at the memory of Lucifer's voice taunting Gabriel.

Seeing himself being violated like that... Something Sam himself didn't even remember. But even as he thought it, a memory slipped through.

"If you would just accept it, this would be so much better. For you, anyways. I'll enjoy it either way," the devil himself grunted into Sam's ear. Fingers gripped tightly at Sam's flesh, nails clawing into skin.

Flames licked across Sam's body, distracting him from the fiery pain caused by Lucifer. Jaw locked to keep from screaming, Sam's head lolled to the side. He saw Gabriel staring at them, tears running unchecked down his cheeks.

If he'd had the thought to care, Sam would have been ashamed at what the archangel was watching. As it was, he couldn't find it in him to be ashamed. Or, really, to feel much emotion. He was dead, dead, dead, inside and out.

A harsh motion from Lucifer had a breath wheezing out of Sam. With a dark chuckle, the fallen angel moved again, even more roughly than before. When his movements failed to produce another reaction, he scowled and backhanded Sam. The hunter's head simply rolled to the other side, allowing him a glance at their other spectators. Michael and Adam were crouched in a corner, the former gently shielding Adam's eyes from the horrors that were happening to his older brother.

A flicker of feeling – gratitude – sparked inside Sam.

As if sensing that spark, Lucifer grinned and clutched all the more tightly at Sam's hips. "Say yes, Sam," he crooned. "Say yes, and I can make it so much better for you." When Sam made no sounds, Lucifer snarled. "You'll say yes eventually, pet. Until then, I'll just keep enjoying myself."

Just as Sam felt Lucifer's nails grow into long, sharp claws, he felt himself come back to the present with a gasp. Tears ran unchecked down his cheeks, feeling the emotions he'd been numb to during the actual event.

Sam couldn't catch his breath, disgust and fear and self-loathing washing over and through him. Desperation fueled him as he clawed at his own skin, trying to dispel the memory of Lucifer's touch. The world disappeared as his focus narrowed to trying to dig out the thoughts of Lucifer and what the fallen angel had done to Sam.

Suddenly, hands covered his own, drawing his fingernails away from tender flesh. Gently, the alien hands brought Sam's together, holding them there in front of the dazed hunter. A few moments passed as Sam blinked slowly, emerging from the haze.

"Dean?" he asked softly. "What happened?"

"I don't know, Sam. Just...take a second." Dean's voice was unusually soft for his brother's gruff personality. Looking down, Sam realized why.

He had torn the skin all over both arms. In his mindless desperation, he had opened real wounds to bleed out an imaginary poison. Despair washed over him. He would never be free. And, in effect, neither would Dean.

Sam would forever be haunted by his time in Hell, the tortures brought about by Lucifer – and the shame of knowing Gabriel had seen him like that. Had seen him let the Devil himself...

A wave of nausea washed over Sam. "'m gonna be sick," he said, nearly barreling over Dean to rush to the bathroom.

Dean grimaced at the sound of retching, but sighed and stood to follow his brother. He snatched up a clean wash cloth and wet it in the sink, wringing it out before moving to crouch beside Sam.

The taller hunter looked miserable, torn between crying and throwing up again.

"It's gonna be okay, Sam," Dean said, trying to reassure his brother.

"It's never going to be okay, Dean. I'm never going to be okay." Sam spoke with absolute certainty, a deadened look in his eyes.

Dean felt a bolt of fear at Sam's words. "What are you talking about? We're the Winchesters, we always bounce back!" he said, injecting false cheer into his voice.

Sam just stared balefully up at him before closing his eyes and leaning back against the wall. "Yeah," he said finally.

Needing to talk to Cas, Dean stood. "I'll be right back."

Sam watched him go, wishing like hell that things could be different. But thinking of hell, even abstractly, brought on new flashes of memory.

Once Sam had given in to the Devil's demands, things became easier physically. No longer did Lucifer try to abuse Sam into a response. No, not it was all mental. As Lucifer goaded his body into enjoying what was being done to him, that forked tongue was whispering treacherous things into Sam's ear.

"Look at him, Sam. He can't even bear to watch," Lucifer taunted, speaking of Gabriel. The other angel was chained to the wall directly in front of them, but his head was hanging low. Sam could see splatters on the floor beneath him, evidence of the tears he ducked his head to hide. Shame filled Sam at the sight, knowing that Gabriel cried because Sam was weak, because he had given in. When he tried to turn his head away, to not look toward the trapped archangel anymore, Lucifer's tight grip in his hair jerked his head back around.

"Ah, ah, ah, Sammy. Don't look away. Show little brother those pretty eyes of yours."

Tears leaked from the corners of Sam's eyes at the pain in his scalp, and the pain in his heart. As if he could sense them, Lucifer let out a bark of laughter and began to fuck Sam harder. "That's it, Sam. Look at what happens when you disobey."

Later, Sam lay in a heap, recovering from the fallen archangel's ministrations. He watched as Lucifer walked over to Gabriel, as he leaned down to whisper something in the chained brother's ear. Gabriel's head jerked up at whatever Lucifer said, righteous fury blazing in his eyes. When he spoke, Sam heard his words, but didn't believe them.

"I'm going to get out of here, you bag of dicks. And when I do, he's coming with me."

Lucifer laughed even as he slashed a hand out. Gabriel's head whipped to the side as four furrows appeared on his cheek, weeping blood. "You're never leaving, little brother. You're both mine."

Sam gasped as the memory receded, leaving him to vomit once more into the porcelain bowl beside him. Because, while he didn't hear Lucifer's words to Gabriel while in the memory, he knew what the angel had said thanks to the influx of Gabriel's own memories. And the words were enough to send Sam over an edge that he couldn't come back from.

"He feels even better than you, little brother."

Gabriel was getting better at ignoring the bond. He still felt twinges of Sam's emotions, still caught flashes of his memories, but for the most part was able to push them aside. In the same vein, he kept a tight reign on his own half of the bond. But he was always aware of it in an abstract way. That was why it was such a shock when Gabriel suddenly felt nothing. One second, he was minding his own business, watching TV and stuffing his face. The next, he was scrambling madly at his chest, his flesh fingers gouging into the skin while his celestial ones rooted into his own Grace.

It was no use. That little flickering piece of light - the one he'd been cursing since it appeared and had been growing stronger despite that - was gone. Gabriel didn't even realize that tears were trailing down his face. Likewise, he didn't realize Castiel had appeared until the younger angel grabbed him by the shoulders and said the one word guaranteed to bring his focus around.

"-Sam!"

Blinking, Gabriel slowly felt himself returning to the present. "What?"

"I said, you're the only one who can save Sam!" Cas grated, his voice more gravelly than normal. Coming back around more fully, Gabriel realized that the angel's eyes were red and puffy, like he'd been crying.

"What are you talking about?" Gabriel asked slowly.

"The bond, Gabriel. It hasn't faded completely yet. You can use it to bring him back. But we must move quickly - he doesn't have much time!"

Finally catching on to what Castiel was saying, Gabriel gripped the seraph's arm and demanded,"Go. Go!"

When they landed in the small bathroom, Gabriel felt his vision blur around the edges.

There was so much blood...

In the tub, scattered around Sam's body, were the pieces of a disposable razor. Sam himself was sprawled in the tub, his normally tanned skin unnaturally pale. On each forearm were long gashes, elbow to wrist and as deep the small blades had been able to dig.

Gabriel felt his knees weaken, but he didn't try to catch himself. This was exactly why he'd wanted to keep distance between them, why he hadn't wanted the bond. No good had ever come of being close to Gabriel - to any archangel, really.

"Gabriel, please. Hurry. He's fading fast and I can't hold him much longer!" came Castiel's entreaty.

Gabriel shook himself and inched forward on his knees, loathing the blood that covered Sam's torso and arms. But, the closer he came, the more he saw the small spark still inside of the tall hunter. As Cas had said, it was fading quickly. But Gabriel quickly reached out, physically and metaphysically, and gently grasped the light. His flesh hand rested on Sam's chest, but his Grace reached deep inside the other man, cupping around the soul that was incredibly bright, but just as damaged.

Desperation fueling him, Gabriel forced his power into Sam, the angelic magic healing the hunter's body in the blink of an eye. Kick-starting it back to life took more time. Just as Gabriel began to think he'd been too late after all, Sam jerked upright with a gasp, forcing Gabriel's hand away from his chest. Sam's own hand came up to press against the same spot, wincing at the pain of the newly-beating organ trying to regulate itself.

Sam glanced around in confusion. "Cas? G-gabriel?"

Cas looked like he was forcing back tears, but Gabriel didn't even look up. The archangel's hands clenched into tight fists, bracing on his thighs. Still kneeling beside the tub, he seemed to fold in on himself.

"W-where's Dean?" Sam asked, suddenly realizing that his brother was missing.

It was a moment before Cas spoke. "He's in his bed, asleep. When I found him, he was a wreck. He found your- He found you first. I immediately put him to sleep to save him what emotional trauma I could."

Sam nodded, still trying to piece together everything. The last thing he remembered was waking up from a memory/dream of Hell. He'd come to the bathroom to vomit, but things got fuzzy after that. He remembered flashes of seeing the razor on the sink as he washed his mouth out, the thoughts of it all being over, then pain in his fingers as he pried the cheap plastic apart.

But with that memory came the memory of what had driven him to this point. Pain flashed through his head as he tried to block out the memories. Sam gripped tightly at his hair, tugging the thick strands in some attempt to relieve the pain. Strong hands gently grasped his wrists and tugged down, prompting Sam to let go. He glanced up, expecting anger.

Soulful blue eyes met his. The heartache and caring on the younger angel's face nearly tore Sam's heart apart. Would have, had it not already been ravaged by his past and by the last few hours. Tears welled in his eyes with the knowledge that he wasn't alone. Before he could say anything to Cas, Gabriel exploded.

"You're so fucking selfish," the archangel spat. Without giving Sam a chance to speak, Gabriel continued. "Do you have any idea what losing you would have done to me? Not personally, you obviously don't care about that. I mean physically. Archangel supernova. It would have killed everyone in a hundred mile radius, you asshole. I thought you morons were all for saying people? Apparently not, if you would rather off yourself than be stuck with me."

Gabriel finally stood, aiming a look at Sam that was filled with so much contempt and disappointment, even Cas flinched away. "I'll make it easy for you," he whispered. The lights flickered as the room around them began to shake. Gabriel's form was enveloped in a bright light that Sam assumed was his Grace, shadows dancing on the walls behind him as his wings unfurled.

Suddenly, the angel's hand darted to his chest, passing through the physical plane and into the one housing the knot where the bond to Sam was tethered. With a quick motion, Gabriel jerked the whole of it out, along with a chunk of his Grace. Sneering, he tossed it at Sam. "Fuck you, Sam Winchester."

With a thundering bang and streaks of lightning scorching the way, Gabriel was gone.

Castiel was in shock. It was the only explanation for the numbness that followed Gabriel's departure. It took a few minutes to realize that the roaring in his ears was, in fact, actual roaring. A blaze had started up from a stray bolt of lightning, creeping steadily toward the seraph and Sam. With a wave of his hand, the flames were gone. Instead of silence after dousing the flames, Cas was met with the sound of Sam's labored breathing. He looked slowly to the hunter, distantly feeling a sense of foreboding as he did so.

Sam was clutching the knot of Grace, his hand sizzling as the pure power singed the flesh. The hunter seemed unable to let go, locked in the position he'd been in when Gabriel tossed the end of their bond at him. But, as Cas watched, a strange look came over Sam's face. With Gabriel's words, Cas had worried that Sam would fall back into despair. It seemed, though, that Sam was rather calm.

No, Sam was numb. His hand tightened minutely on the thing in his hand before he glanced over to Cas. "What do I do with this?" he asked evenly.

"If you wish to keep the bond intact, you would take it into yourself. If you wish it broken, crush it."

Finally, some emotion passed over Sam's face. A thoughtful frown tugged at his lips and wrinkled his forehead before, finally, the hunter turned back to the angel. "If I keep it, could I still change my mind later?"

"Of course, Sam. But once broken, bonds such as the one between you and Gabriel are hard to reforge."

Nodding absentmindedly, Sam focused his attention back on the bit of Grace in his hand. It was warm, rather than the icy burn that had come from Lucifer's power. And, rather than the despair and hatred that had always seemed to radiate from the fallen archangel, Gabriel's power had a happier feel to it. But Sam could understand that, given Gabriel's usual happy-go-lucky persona. It was only when you brought up a few choice things that the shorter man shut down.

Shaking his head to bring him back to the task at hand, Sam took a deep breath and brought his hand up to his chest. Not giving himself time to change his mind, he shoved Gabriel's half of the bond into his chest, gasping at the sudden weight that seemed to fall on his shoulders. Cas was there to help him up and shuffle into the bedroom, where Sam collapsed onto his bed. As soon as he had gotten comfortable and closed his eyes, he remembered Dean.

"Fuck."

When his eyes opened, it took Dean a moment to remember why he had even been asleep. Cas.

The angel had put him to sleep! He had to get up, he had to get to...Sam.

Dean's shoulders slumped as he remembered just why Cas had knocked him out. Dean didn't think he would ever forget the sight of his baby brother, laying bloody and broken in the small bathtub. Tears sprang to his eyes, but Dean ground his heels into the offending orbits, denying the tears a chance to fall. A groan came from beside him, causing the hunter to jerk his head around.

"Sam!" he cried out, not believing what he was seeing. Sam, whole and unhurt, laying on the twin bed next to Dean's. And, apparently, sleeping. Dean wasted no time in jumping from his own bed and landing nearly on top of Sam. The younger hunter was woken roughly with Dean rolling him this way and that to ensure that he was truly okay. Despite the rude awakening, Sam allowed Dean the few minutes he needed to reassure himself.

Finally, he pushed Dean away and wrapped his arms around his brother. "I'm so sorry, Dean. I wasn't even thinking, I just- I... I don't even know what's going on anymore."

Studiously ignoring the wetness on his face, Dean cleared his throat and said gruffly, "It's okay, Sammy. We'll figure it out."

Two weeks later, Sam put himself into a psychiatric ward. Dean yelled and cursed for two days before finally breaking down and agreeing to let Sam make the decision. He didn't think Sam needed to go, mind you, but he did want to show Sam that he supported him and his autonomy. It was something that Sam had been sorely lacking over the years.

Eileen carefully hand-picked the facility, not trusting the boys to find one that would actually help Sam. Most places she'd come across simply doped patients up to control them as opposed to trying to help them. With her help, they found a place that was only a few hours from Bobby's. Dean drove them there, of course, with Cas offering to meet them there with Sam's belongings once they'd arrived.

Jody blinked back tears as the brothers headed to the Impala, demanding that Sam write to her when he could and to take care of himself. Eileen had told Sam to call on her if he ever questioned the treatment he received, or if he simply wanted to talk. Cas hugged Sam tightly, reminding him that he would see him soon.

Sam reminded himself as they drove away that he was doing what was best for himself. It was high time that he stopped living life for others, stopped letting his caring nature get in the way of his own health. The heavy weight in his chest was a daily reminder of how badly that could go.

As Dean pulled onto the highway and cranked the radio as loud as it would go, Sam felt a bit of that weight ease.

He was going to be okay.