A/N: Holy poop, covered a lot in this. I needed to realign it to canon, kind of. I was losing my bearings. :v Thanks for all the reviews!

Warnings: Mild sensuality.

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Ball Z or anything affiliated with it.

-MalRev

My Own Being

14: Acedia

The snowfall had stilled to a silent, slow procession of shimmering white flakes that dusted the two feet already layering the earth. I gazed impassively out of the bedroom window at the frigid landscape before gaining the will to push my body up, causing the sheets to fall away from my nude upper body. Beside me, Goku slept, arm slung across his eyes while his broad, exposed chest rose and fell in the gentle rhythm of sleep. I covered my chest with my forearm and quietly watched him.

We had our chance once long ago. Now we were both tethered to others who needed us more than we needed one another, and we had unilaterally begun a torrid affair. It wasn't fair to them. It wasn't fair for Chi-Chi to cry at her father's castle while Gohan wondered where his father was, and it wasn't fair for me to force Vegeta into wandering the unforgiving wilderness alone. Bonds had been forged that could never be broken, even if my love for Goku felt passionate enough to survive any challenge.

My lassitude made getting ready to leave all the more difficult. I considered returning to bed with Goku and apologizing for my words until he accepted me again. We could pretend they didn't exist; that I was still hardly past 22 and he was 18 and neither of us had truly fallen in love. But we both had, even if those feelings had faded over the years. I wished I had told him how I felt before it was too late.

Soon I was garbed in my snow boots and jacket, ready for the long walk back to West City. Goku would wake and probably try to find me, of course expecting I had gotten lost in the snow. I tightened my scarf to obscure my tears as I opened the door and stepped into the chilly morning. Maybe a few months apart would heal my pain. Maybe seeing him with Chi-Chi would replace the sense of normalcy.

With great care, I shut the door behind me.

The only sound during my silent walk was the hardened snow crunching beneath my boots as I attempted to follow the path toward the city. I clung to the edge of the trees, uncomfortable with being out in the open where Goku could find me. He would still be confused and hurt and I didn't want him to act out like he had the night before—I couldn't bear to see him that way again. All I wanted was to look into his eyes and see the sweet, innocent kid I had run over on a warm summer afternoon.

After a while walking and straining my ears for the slightest noise, I heard the faint voice I dreaded calling my name across the frozen landscape.

"Bulma?"

My tears surged forth with incredible ferocity as I hid myself within the veil of trees to at least avoid Goku's eyes. Maybe he wouldn't be able to trace my energy. If there was someone strong nearby, I might be eclipsed by them. I crouched low and covered my head with my hands.

"Bulma, where are you?"

It wasn't fair. Why couldn't I have him?

"Bulma, I want to talk!"

I could remember the day I saw him at the Tournament when he had turned 18 and I finally realized he was a man, not a silly little boy. We had been so close growing up. I never imagined…

"Are you okay?"

And he had slipped through my fingers like sand, awkwardly proposing to Chi-Chi and looking to me for comfort. My heart had hammered with terror and my palms were slick with sweat but I managed to give him a thumbs-up for comfort. He had smiled at me, crooked and bewildered.

"Please answer!"

I cried into my gloves as snow blew around me in delicate circles. I was such an idiot.

"What are you sniveling about, woman?"

Beside me stood two familiar white boots covered in snow, leading up to Vegeta with his arms folded in withheld fury across his barreled chest. His expression was hard and indifferent but I could see his nose had turned pink from the cold and his Saiyan armor looked wet from the snow. I wiped my nose and stood, holding myself and shivering. He hadn't gone very far.

Vegeta's eyes narrowed. "Kakarot is flying all over the place looking for you. Trouble in paradise?"

There were a million things I could've screamed in his face at that moment. He was callous, a rude bastard who refused to become a part of the society he now lived in. His pride would be his downfall in the end and he would never understand basic human courtesy. I clenched my hands into fists, trembling with rage under his intense, unyielding gaze. Vegeta was such a goddamn asshole.

But we were forever bound by the life we had lost together. I didn't know if that counted as love, really, but I figured it was better than nothing. I had promised to marry him and I couldn't go back on that. Maybe we would grow to love each other over the years, gradually realizing that we were meant for one another, or maybe it would be corrupted into a pervasive hatred. I wasn't entirely sure, even at 30 years old. Love was always a mystery to me.

The Saiyan prince grunted in surprise and stumbled backwards when I threw my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder to cry. His arms hesitated in space, unsure of whether or not to return the gesture, but he soon realized he was invited to embrace me in return. Vegeta held me firmly and soon the sound of Goku's voice faded into the snowy winter morning.

"Let's go home," I whispered.

We walked on foot for a while and Vegeta eventually grew impatient with me stumbling through the snow, so he hoisted me onto his back. After another fifteen minutes we began to fly through the chilly atmosphere toward the city and I closed my eyes. Everything would go back to normal again.

Capsule Corp. was quiet and empty. Vegeta set me down carefully inside the front door and shut it behind us as I pulled off my cold outwear, sniffling miserably to myself. He took off the scarf and carelessly threw it on the couch while I struggled to get my boots off and the socks that had been doused with snow. He tapped his foot on the ground as I finished up, shuffling toward the staircase with my arms folded over my chest. It was way too goddamn cold.

But I didn't feel Vegeta's presence behind me. I turned to see him still standing near the door, eyeing me unsurely standing on the fifth step. With a roll of the eyes I beckoned him to follow and he did so slowly, still hovering back like I was about to trap him. It made sense. After everything that had happened, I would've been just as hesitant to blindly follow orders if I were him.

Vegeta returned to himself in my bedroom, no longer asking questions. As soon as my door was shut his arms were around me once again and his mouth was on mine, passionate and possessive. I'd expected him to yell or throw a fit about me staying at Goku's and sending him away so heartlessly the day before but Vegeta wasn't really a man interested in words when actions spoke so much louder. His warm hands slipped under my dampened shirt, heady with lust and purpose.

It was far tamer than our other night together. I mewled and writhed underneath his almost calculative thrusts, trying to get a more ferocious response, but Vegeta was uncharacteristically restrained. He pulled me on top of him and held my hips to control the speed of my movements rather than pinning me down and growling obscenities into my ear. His hands roamed down my body until we were both finished, at which point he hazily watched my expression and ground hard inside of me.

Afterwards, I didn't even need a cigarette to calm down, and when I rose to go to the bathroom, Vegeta was fast asleep under my covers. It was the first night we slept in bed together.

Months wore on like that, passing in a blur, and I slowly pushed thoughts of Goku from my mind. Chi-Chi didn't call and Gohan didn't stop by to visit and I prayed they had sorted everything out. I spent my days working on new inventions and my nights with Vegeta, trying to involve myself as best as I could in our sex life. It felt like nothing would ever change, until the day it finally did an entire year later.

Vegeta emerged from the training room while I was sitting at the kitchen table, reading the newspaper out of sheer boredom. I glanced up to see him looking more agitated than he had in a while and watched him storm across the room to the front door. I leapt from my chair curiously as he pulled on an ugly pink shirt I insisted he never wear.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

He was scowling. "Nothing. I felt a strange power level."

"Bring me with you! I want to see what it is."

"Are you insane?!"

"Don't be a jerk, Vegeta," I said, hurrying to get dressed. "Everyone is gonna be there and I have seen them since the fight on Namek. Come on, I'm not that heavy."

"Hmph. Your funeral."

We crossed the vast desert and ocean on the way to the strange power level and I realized with a pounding heart that no one knew I was with Vegeta yet. Hopefully their wounds had healed since the last time they had all been together. I clung to him and squeezed my eyes shut as forests raced by beneath us so quickly they seemed to disappear. It would be okay. I just wanted to see Krillin and the others and make sure Gohan was feeling better.

There were people standing in a congregation in the midst of the badlands and Vegeta landed gracefully outside of the group, quickly allowing me off his back. I dusted my clothes off as Gohan excitedly called my name and ran toward me to say hello, bright and healthy as ever. Krillin waved with a wide grin and Yamcha and Tien greeted me as well, though Piccolo remained stoic as ever. I was happy they were happy to see me—I'd been expecting much worse.

But there was an unfamiliar face across the sandy earth that roused my attention. It was a young man, wearing a jacket that had the Capsule Corp. logo emblazoned on the shoulder. His hair was short and a unique shade of purple but I couldn't see his face well, because he quickly looked away from me.

Gohan offered me a soda. "This is Trunks! He came here and killed the bad guys before any of us could do a thing, and now we're waiting for dad to show up. Isn't that cool, Bulma?"

"Uh… yeah, sure." I narrowed my eyes and strode over to sit beside the stranger, immediately drawing color to his cheeks. "So do you work for Capsule Corp.? I've never seen you around and I usually attend most of the meetings and tour the main offices. Where in the building do you work?"

"I'm… I'm just a fan," he replied awkwardly. "Sorry."

We waited for a long time, me with knots in my stomach, for Goku to arrive. Vegeta sat on his own rock away from the group and kept glaring at Trunks which only made the kid even more nervous. I wondered where the hell he was from and how he had gotten his hands on one of Capsule Corp.'s jackets. They were only supposed to be given to higher-level employees.

Then Gohan suddenly jumped from the rock he was sharing with Piccolo. "It's my dad!"

An aura of golden light appeared from the horizon and sure enough, I could discern Goku's hair within it as he flew at full speed toward the group. Everyone stood and began to cheer at the sight of him while I quietly relegated myself to picking at lint on my dress. Everything was behind us but I couldn't bring myself to watch as he landed amongst the group and ruffled Gohan's hair. Even a quick glance could be the end of all my hard work.

"Nice outfit, Kakarot," Vegeta sneered.

I hid my face further in my hands. Oh god, were they going to duke it out in front of everyone?

Goku laughed dismissively. "At least it isn't pink!"

The boy sitting beside me rose with the increased volume of laughter and approached Goku, who immediately quieted down. I peered from between my fingers to watch the two of them and was relieved to see that Goku looked perfectly fine; he actually seemed beatific. His black eyes studied Trunks while he spoke and the two suddenly left together, putting an enormous amount of space between themselves and the rest of the Z Fighters.

They talked for a long time. I eventually gave up on hiding my shame and drank my soda, thoroughly bored with the situation. I'd hoped there would still be a bad guy to watch get pummeled into the ground but apparently Trunks had already finished the job. Vegeta tapped his fingers irately and Piccolo had his eyes closed, enormous green ears twitching in Goku's direction.

It hadn't been as difficult to see him as I imagined. We had resolved the situation like adults and moved on to where we needed to be. The burning desire and consuming love I had for Goku had relented and faded back inside my soul to hide where it always had been, breaking me free of my addiction.

Piccolo suddenly stiffened and his eyes shifted to me for a fraction of a second.

Goku returned alone and Piccolo explained that Trunks was from the future, which we were all a bit skeptical about. I assumed the Namekian had looked at me out of sheer coincidence and didn't pay any attention to the strange glance but soon felt black eyes glancing at me while the others were enraptured. Vegeta was arguing with Piccolo as Goku casually sat beside me, once again making my chest constrict uncomfortably.

"Hi, Bulma," he said.

I almost fell apart and it was only two goddamn words. But I stretched a smile politely, "Hey, how have you been?"

The Saiyan shrugged and I could smell pine and evergreen. "Not too bad, I guess. Chi-Chi came back and Gohan is all better now so I have nothing to complain about. How um…" He shifted, nodding toward Vegeta's furious face. "How're things with him?"

"Pretty good. We haven't gotten married yet." Shit, what the hell did Goku care about me getting married now?

"Really?" he said, suddenly perking up. "That's…" His eyes roamed to the spot where he had been talking to Trunks and his shoulders sagged. "That's, uh, too bad. I hope you do soon."

"Yeah. Me too."

Soon the argument was over and we all disbanded. I swore it was the last time I would speak to Goku as I flew away on Vegeta's back. But I glanced back to see him with his hands on his hips, watching with a tormented expression while Gohan waved eagerly with both hands to bid us farewell.

I'd never had good self-control.