Usual disclaimers, I do not own the rights to the fifty shades branding or the work of EL James it remains solely hers…

This is my version of fifty shades and no, not all the characters are here, some are, some new, some have different careers and yes even sexual preferences are not the same, shock horror this is not fifty shades of grey… If you want fifty read the books again...

CHAPTER 14:

Ana's POV:

It's been three days since I was admitted to the clinic; I feel safe here and the staff are helpful and nice. I have a very nice room, but having walked around the place the rooms look pretty much the same, yeah mine is nicer because it has flowers. I am loving the peace and quiet here, my head is now almost silent of the voices and the thoughts I had they are not now piercing my brain. I seem to be saying nice a lot, so I guess nice is nice? I have a session with John in five minutes, so I head towards his office. The new carer I have is nice, there's that word again nice.

"Ana your medication." I take the pills from her and sip the water offered. "Your boyfriend has sent more flower."

"I don't have a boyfriend Fiona I just have a few good male friends." I read the card and they are from José. "This friend likes men; he's my best friend José."

"Oh, I'm sorry I shouldn't presume to know you."

"It's fine Fiona, I haven't ever had a boyfriend, I'm too busy for them and besides I… I sometimes think, boys and men are far more trouble than they are worth."

"I suppose, but you're really beautiful why would you not have a boyfriend?"

"Too busy and the men attracted to this face and body normally focus on only that and not what's in here." I point to my head. "I don't need a man in my life, as I try to tell them, you know the ones who come on too strong."

"Why have you had people not take no for an answer?"

"A couple and one, that went too far, way too far… Look, I need to see John." I rush out because I feel sick, really sick, just the thought if Tristan and I am weak and feel stupid, stupid, oh so fucking stupid. I arrive at his rooms and knock on the door, I'm called in I hesitantly enter for my first real sit down talk I have been allowed time to rest and acclimatise to the place. I have seen these type of people before and all seem to think my problems stem from my mother's abandonment, none of them listen, I loved the fact she left us and there I go thinking the worst before I give something a try, what I mean is I have yet to find one who helps with these nightmares. Getting some clear prospective on my Christian thing would be good, I mean I'm twenty four and for most of those years, well two thirds of my life I have been enamoured by the man.

"Ana pleased to finally get down to speak with you, please sit anywhere and then we will begin." His rooms are more like grandma's lounge, two big comfy couches that you have to fight the urge to jump up and down on, books that are there to look but not to touch, pictures that look odd in here, perhaps from a grateful patient? I like the one on the far wall and I get lost looking into it. I stare at it for an age, not realising I am being watched.

"An, L S Lowry? It's a nice picture, of course you're from England with that accent."

"I'm from London, but my roots were in the Lancashire village of Salford."

"I did a modelling job there once, at the Lowry Museum, I spent hours just looking at the simple matchstick figure paintings."

"What do you think of it?"

"Um, it's a nice picture of a man chilling after a shity day in the office, we all have moments where we want to kick back and just stare at the world from flat on your back, it passes you by and you can, if you sit long enough, see the world turn all whilst doing nothing all from the lying position, very relaxing you should try it."

"So he's watching as the world flies by?"

"No, he's doing what he wants, he doesn't care what the worlds doing, that moment is his and the artist captured his restful don't give a shit moment."

"Interesting."

"Oh, don't over analyse it, it's just a nice picture of a relaxing moment, nothing more nothing less!"

"Quite, so you don't over analyse art work then?"

"No, it is what it is; I half expected to see the Scream, by Munch in here."

"I don't like it much." I looked at the other two.

"These look like that, confused and a mess."

"From a patient." I read the scribble, L Williams. "Now come please sit and we can start." I of course sat I wanted this sorted.

"How far back do you want to go John?"

"However, far are you're comfortable in going?" Oh…

"Right then, here goes… The earliest memory's I have are of my Daddy going away, he went away for long periods of time, he was a marine, actually I think he was something more but never said. Then he would come back and I was happy, he spent all his time with me and we did everything together, rode horses, and went on long walks and visited Pappy and Grams here. They were the happy times I had spent with my father."

"Where was your mother when he came home?"

"There, but she didn't like my dad coming home it meant her friends had to stay away."

"Did she have a lot of friends?"

"Hu, oh she was a very friendly person was my mother, very friendly with them."

"Okay, so she cheated on your father, did you say anything? You know to your father about the other men?"

"He knew, they by the time I was five or six they were sleeping in different rooms and well they argued a lot. Then when I was nearing ten, she just upped and left, and that was the day I was truly the happiest, it was like the house had held kept captive a wasps nest, and as soon as the door was open they all fired out of the door, taking all the noise and commotion with them, the house was a peaceful place, but it meant dad had to leave the job he loved and well I think he despised me for a while, that for me was hard to see he sort of blamed me for giving up the life he loved. Me, I knew it was all because of her."

"Did she do anything to hurt you whilst your father was away?"

"Yeah, she did plenty to me for years, she well she… She as soon as dad left would change clothes, then I knew they were coming, the men. She would lock me in my room with food and snacks and tell me not to come out. I would have to be silent, she didn't want them to know there was a brat, how was she going to land a looker if she had a brat in tow."

"She was looking for a replacement for Ray."

"Oh hell yeah, and she tried a lot on for size for a couple of years. Sometimes they were there for days and she'd forget she had me and I wasn't given any food, if you know they just turned up? So I would drink the tap water and sit, if I made a noise she would smack me, so I pretty soon didn't make a noise."

"She starved you, why did you not tell anyone?"

"Who would I tell nobody liked my mom and they in turn didn't like me, her friends called me the brat too. I liked the neighbour kids, but they would change all the time, I was a forces brat remember? So we moved around a lot when I was little. She though continued to make friends and I continued to be locked away when my dad went away."

"So when did she leave?"

"When I was ten, ten years of misery left the house that day or you know the illusory only family home, as soon as the wicked witch left. She divorced dad and I know he hated me for it, because he had to leave his beloved career behind because I was only little and couldn't be left."

"I doubt that, he could have had you put in a boarding school, as my father did when my mother passed away, he could have sent you perhaps to live with relatives, no, no Ana he chose to stay at home with you. I would warrant because you meant more to him than the career he had?"

"I guess." I shuffled to a comfy spot on the couch, my ass had become numb in that spot. I took a drink of water and settled back down, all the time John had been scribbling away, or rather tapping away.

"When did your mother kidnap you?"

"What?"

"Your mother, I believe came back desperate and your father allowed her back into the home!" He seems to know a lot, my dad must have spilled, or I did when I was off my rocker?

"We moved when Pappy died, to Portland, dad found a smaller, cheaper boat yard and sold the one here. I hated it, I hated the house, I hated the boatyard, because it wasn't Pappy's. Still, it was an okay place and I made a friend for life at the school José, he and his dad lived close by and dad served with Mr Rodriquez, so he had a friend already there. I went to school and did well, really well, I loved my books and math and well just about everything I was a straight A Student, a bookworm geek and had one friend a gay guy called José, we did everything together, I would draw and paint and he would snap away with his camera and I would be his muse and model. That though was before she came back, she had been beaten up by her pimp boyfriend and had found out where we were, she turned up and dad took fucking pity on the whore, I hated her and told him so many times she was lying, she was using us, did he listen to me? No…"

"Calm down Ana, calm down, she was a good actress then only you saw through her?"

"Paff she is yeah, that's what she wanted to be a film star and a millionaire. I hate my name because of how she said it and blamed me for all her lost opportunities, she should have kept her legs together, she wouldn't have got knocked up, pity the plan to snag the richest boy at school didn't work, and he dismissed her like the whore she was, only for my dad to sweep in and save the day, and marry his old neighbours daughter. My dad isn't my biological father, he was a jerk called Frank Lambert. A big guy here I town, well he was until I owned his arse."

"Ray isn't your biological father?"

"Nope, he's on the birth certificate and as far as anyone else knows he's my dad."

"So, she was a neighbour of your dad?"

"Gheeze yes, don't forget the bit about her being a money hungry whore, who wanted a rich husband, and though my dad's family was wealthy, they weren't as wealthy as the Lamberts! Interestingly enough, Christian's family bought the old Lambert place when his daddy died. He moved to a bigger place in the city, like that place wasn't the biggest on the damn block, hell it was the block, our houses looked like sheds compared to that one. When his dad left the house and business to him, he moved to the newest and biggest skyscraper in town and lived there. Mom always told me the tale like she could get him back with a click of her fingers, but she wasn't as pretty after a few years of living with her new husband Jack Hyde. Thats just a bit of background so you know what she is and was capable of to get money, and what's coming next you may just want to get a proper drink for most of this, I haven't even told my father, in fact I have never told anyone but one other, José, José knows everything…"

"I assure you the things I have heard will turn your toes. I am not easily shocked by peoples depravities and what they will do to quench their desires and needs."

"Okay, you have been warned… I was fourteen and my dad had made another appointment for the doctors to get another check-up done, I was having difficulty with my periods and needed a check up to see if all was going well with the shot I'd had, and when I was pulled out of school it was by my mother, she played nice for the school secretary and I told them yes she was my mother and they let me go, I was then drugged, a shot of something knocked me out and I woke up god knows where hours later. I was in some motel and was dressed like a fucking proper school girl, with white socks, with a short skirt and pigtails and a nice white bra covering where my boobs should have been, I looked like a trampy hooker, dressing for Halloween. My mom came in and told me I had to play nice for the men that were coming to look at me. Over the next two weeks lots of older men came to visit me, I didn't know it at the time, but Jack Hyde and my mom were auctioning my virginity to the highest paying paedo out there, and over those long days Jack would come and play with the prize without taking the prize. I hated it and the pills mom popped me helped me block it all out, and then the bidding was over, a man, I guess a rich one because he gave them a case full of cash. He came and I was taken to a nice hotel room, somewhere here in the city and for the rest of the week the man treated me well and like a princess, then on his final night he did things to me that I hated, he…"

"He sexually abused you; no need for specific details I am aware of your injuries from the attack it's in your medical records. What happened afterwards?"

"He dropped me back at the motel thing and my mom and him were taking me away to do it all again, but then the police came and my dad came to rescue me, but not until Jack had a taste of the goods and she held me down so he could. I was sore from him not the other man, he was gentle and though it hurt like hell he never did anything bad, well it was wrong, but he didn't do the things Hyde did, I know that's a sick way of looking at it, but my first time was nicer than what that awful man did."

"You do realise it was wrong, don't you whether it was nice or not it was wrong?"

"Yes, I was just saying I was treated nicely by the first guy, of course I said I didn't want to do it all week, that's why he did it on the last night because he had paid for it and after a lot of champagne and a nice hot bath, he did it then, he still took me I'm not stupid, but it wasn't as bad as what Hyde did that felt dirty and it hurt…"

"Right I think that's enough for today, Ana you did very well, and you are coping well with your emotions, you can fly off the handle and scream and shout, let all the angst out you know it is alright to scream and shout and be angry. I would have expected it, if truth be told I think you are still bottling it up. Anyway, a treat for you, Christian has arranged for his personal trainer to come in three times a week, to help you with some anger issues and get you trained in self-defence and I personally think taking out your frustration on the gym equipment and Claude will do you good."

"Oh, he has, has he, well it just so happens my dad the marine and his friend Joe teaches me Krav Maga and have done since the attack, so I look forward to kicking Claude's butt. Are you coming to watch?"

"No, I have other patients to see."

"Send Christian my kind regards for thinking of me and my thanks for the human punching bag." He laughed as I went to see the man who was here to train me. Heading into the gym, I looked at the good guy stood waiting for me, a few of the nurses were eyeing up the man hunk, the dark skinned man was warming up as I walked in a stopped what he was doing immediately.

"Miss Steele I presume? Hi, I'm Claude Bastille and Christian has asked me to help in getting you fitter and teaching you some basic self-defence moves, lets warm up a little first."

"Okay, I am as ever eager to learn anything new." I stretched and warmed up nicely.

"We will start on the punch bag here, I will hold it for you and you kick here like this perhaps five times with each leg?" He proceeded to show me how to kick correctly.

"Right Claude, are you ready?" He holds the bag still, as I start my gruelling kick boxing routine on the bag. The first couple of smacks catch poor Mr Bastille unawares. I don't think he was expecting the power behind the kick, and as I switch to the higher kicks, he holds the bag firmer. I switch to the elbows, then punches and I have a fantastic workout, sweat definitely broken. I watch as the nurses watch too, they are watching as I take my frustrations out on the bag, I raise a smile from one or two, and as I finish I breathe a deep sigh of relief, you can't miss the training for as long as I had, is the feeling my body gets, as I wrap the towel around my head. I slip on my jacket and take a sip from my bottle.

"Thanks for that, much appreciated, now what next?"

"You might have said you knew what you were doing Miss Steele."

"Where would be the fun in that, Christian doesn't know me or what I need, but yeah, I have missed my days in the gym, it may take me a while to get into fighting weight again."

"You fight?"

"Yeah, love it MMA fighting, but only when I haven't got a photo shoot up and coming. Obviously, even as good as I am the bruises are hard to cover up."

"Anything else you do, I should have been informed of?"

"Krav Maga, since I was fourteen and I can walk in eight inch heals a task I challenge you to do, that is damned harder than it looks."

"I bet so for now a sparring session on the mats and we will see what you know." We hit the mats and as I kicked he blocked we danced on the mats and I got a couple of really nice kicks in and three excellent leg swipes putting him on his back. The endorphin's I was releasing made me feels alive and boy was I glad Christian had been kind enough to send me in a human punching bag. A full hour of fighting left me breathless and so, oh god, euphoric and though pumped I was relaxed. I had bloody missed this.

"So I will see you again on Friday?" I smiled. "I must thank Mr Grey for throwing me to the wolves, there's nothing I can teach you that you don't already know so we will just train and spar yes?"

"Yeah, and please thank him for me, I really enjoyed it." He went to shower and change and I went back to my rooms and did the same there. I spent the rest of the afternoon painting, I sat my easel up in front of the tall window and looked out of it and decided to sketch the scene of the magnificent views, New Pastures is by a lake somewhere along the I-90, and that is all I know, I know too we are still in Seattle perhaps by one of the lakes here Dad and I came to fish at?

I take out the paints and start, the evening, afternoon shy is dark, perhaps we are going to have a storm later? I like being inside during the storms safe and wrapped in a comforter I can sit for hours just watching. Umm, a deep breath taken and I continue, the brushes pick up the paint and my hand matches the view from my window with the picture forming on the canvas, Christian really did see to it I had everything I needed, Dad and he seemed to hit it off well as they always did, I wasn't ever jealous of their time together, it was the time he spent with Pappy. I snap back to now and sigh, oh, I see a boat on the lake, perfect to finish it the lake off with, and perhaps if I'm here longer I could do a different season. I then think of the commitments I have and wish all I did was paint, why can't I? I have Riana and she's excellent at running the company, perhaps I could relax and step back? I have enough money for three lifetimes and I get no joy out of it anymore. The thrill of the chase has left me and though I was angry at GEH getting Pappy's shipyard, it would have been too much for dad, he wants small I wanted to rule the world not him, he's right I should concentrate on being well and keeping things less complicated. I finish for dinner after washing up I go and see what we are eating, I think I have my appetite back.

"What can I get you tonight?" I look and choose the lamb chops and the mac and cheese." Any vegetables with that?"

"Wow, it's like being at school again. Yes please I love them." I take my tray and sit by the window, staring out at the night sky is drawing in and the already cloudy sky is looking menacing. I think I'm going to enjoy tonight and storm watching.

"Can I join you?" I look up and a girl comes and sits down opposite me, why when there are empty tables everywhere?

"I guess so, but I'm not much of a talker."

"Neither am I but the rest are and they don't let up I'm Sally pleased to meet you, and that is all I want to say."

"Okay, Sally that's fine. I'm Ana and I will enjoy your silent company." She smiles and I then notice her wrists, um that was me not long ago, but Jose stopped me. I was glad of him that night. We sit in silence and watch as the storm clouds gathering.

"It's going to be rough, I'm glad we're in here I hate storms."

"I love them as long as I'm indoors; I'm not a lover of being out in them though."

"I used to like it, my dad was an artist and he used to do put rods into the sand as a lightening conductor, and it would hit the rod and after it was over he'd have a mass of Fulgurite, you know glass made from the heat and the sand? Big pieces he'd sell as sculptures and the little pieces he'd make into jewellery, it was the only time I went out in the damned storms. When he died, I didn't care for them much because they remind me of him." I oh-ed.

"Did he die on the sand?"

"Nope, liver disease, he was a drinker and it killed him. So I will say good night and take a pill I hope I sleep through it, Goodnight Ana."

"Goodnight Sally I hope you get some sleep." She emptied her tray and headed to her room; I finished mine and did the same, taking a couple of cans of coke and juices for my evening of storm watch...

I sat for hours storm watching hugging my legs and watching nature's light show, the whole of the horizon would light up, then there was a crash of epic proportion followed by the flash and crack of the lightning bolt. I listened well into the small hours when finally the storm was over, the thunder was now far away in the distance and the area around New Pastures had returned to the silent drops of rain falling against my window, wow had I had camera those shots would have been great. Alas, I didn't so the storm picture I will do from memory tomorrow, sheisk tomorrow, the days are passing quickly I will soon have been here a week and will hopefully be allowed visitors and then my dad can come. I climb in the bed and pull over the covers. My head hits the pillow and I sleep…

Breakfast is eaten in the dining hall for the first time today, last night was the first time I had eaten in here! As I head in, I see nurses going into one of the rooms and sigh. Someone is in pain. I was glad it wasn't me for a change. I help myself to yogurt and fresh fruit and a bowl of muesli, a glass of orange juice and a hot cup of boiling water and a tea bag. Then I head to the window seat I had last night at dinner, perhaps Sally would join me later? I dunk the tea bag in the water and just colour the clear liquid pale gold, then pull it out. I sip and relax, the sky is radiant blue with hardly any clouds. I eat breakfast and watch the room, it seems I am the only one eating breakfast today. I finish the orange juice and clear my tray and head to my room. Nothing to do until I see John later in the afternoon, so I decide on doing the storm version view from my window. Whilst it's still fresh in my head. I'd hardly started it when Fiona brings in my medication and I take it from her. She looks pale and not her usual self, well the one that was happy yesterday anyhow.

"What's he matter? Why are you looking so sad?"

"Sally from the floor below hung herself in the night, she shredded her sheet, and well she was found when they woke her for breakfast." I oh-ed. " She was getting better too, why she got so fractious I do not know, she is at peace I guess from her demons and the nightmares."

"She seemed very nice at dinner, she was going to get to sleep before the storms hit."

"Did she say that?"

"She did and that she didn't like the storms very much they reminded her of her father."

"Did you talk a lot?"

"No, just about how her dad was an artist who loved the storms and his drink."

"So, she didn't tell you anything more?"

"No, nothing why?"

"Nothing, I just didn't know she spoke to anyone here, especially about her dad."

"She did, but not in detail. Thanks for the pills and the water see you later." She left my room and I was sad for a person I hadn't said but three dozen words too. I painted well into the afternoon, when Fiona came with more pills and water and told me my appointment was in ten minutes. I had been so immersed in my painting I didn't eat lunch. My belly rumbled so I stopped by the canteen and grabbed a granola bar. The cook smiled and gave me a sandwich.

"Missing lunch is not a good thing Miss Steele if you need it, I can have food brought to you?"

"I'm fine, thank you I just got wrapped up in my painting. Thank you for this."

I headed towards Johns rooms and was told to sit and wait, he was running behind. So I sat and waited and whilst there ate my sandwich, a most welcome relief of food to silence my grumbling stomach. I sat for half an hour and decided to go back to my room, when suddenly a woman called me into the office. I looked a little lost.

"I'm sorry John has been held up with business elsewhere Anastasia, I'm Rhian his partner here at New Pastures, I'm so sorry it's me you're seeing and not John. I would understand if you want to wait until tomorrow and see him?"

"No, I'm fine pleased to meet you I'm Ana or Annie. I don't like Anastasia, very much."

"I read your notes; you associate it with your mother's hatred of you? Pity too, it's a beautiful name and is rolls so regally on your tongue. Unlike mine. Rhian. I was named after my father Ryan, so imaginative don't you think?" I laughed. "Why is it so funny?"

"My CEO at AS Corp is called Riana for the same reason, she spells hers differently I guess? She always has a joke about her being old enough to be Rhianna's daughter so no she was not conceived under an umbrella." She smiles and asks me to sit.

"John asked me to discuss with you, if you feel up to it, the attack you suffered last year?" I knew this would come up and I am glad it's being discussed with her, in fact relieved would be the better feeling I am having.

"Where do I start, when I first met Tristan Paul?"

"When did you first meet this Tristan, let's start there, shall we?"

"Okay. I was at WSU, and I got a modelling assignment in Japan, the pay packet was too good to turn down, so I didn't, even though the clothing was not what I normally model, I was asked for to do these shots and with this model. Please remember I model lingerie, and to wear fetish clothes is, well, crap, sometimes the pantie sets I wear have little to no material in them so a lot of leather and PVC is well…"

"More than some of the clothes you're asked to model. There is nothing wrong with the job, or the fetish movement, so please, it was just another day at the office for you."

"It was yes."

"I find some of the pictures rather arty; I saw attended showing about a four years ago, by a Japanese photographer Yazmin Ono I believe?" I smiled.

"My photo shots."

"Well, I wouldn't have known, there were no faces uncovered and she focused on varying body parts, very well shot, I wouldn't have known it was you at all."

"Well, that was Tristan and I. He reminded me of someone as soon as I saw him, I thought he was wonderful, he and I seemed to hit it off instantly, but I didn't know him at all, he was very dark and possessive and well he seemed to think there was more in it than there was. I went out for a few meals with him and went on a couple of dates. Then when I had said no too many times he attacked me, I've no memory of anything actually happening, my memories were lost I'm afraid! He left me in his room, afterwards he rang and told me people wouldn't believe I had said no, we had been photographed doing some really kinky stuff! That was just for the cameras only but we had been photographed enjoying kisses and cuddles! To be honest with you I can't even remember going to his hotel room, but I did that's where Jose my friend found me in the morning, I was crying in the bath and scrubbing the smell off of my clothes and my skin, it hurt so I know it happened because I was sore down there, so that was easier to put behind me, sort of? Jose, well he got me out of there and home!"He was angry we had got separated at the end of shoot party, and blamed himself. I can't remember leaving the party!

"You were either drunk or drugged to only have such little memory of it; did you not go to the police?"

"No, I was too embarrassed even to tell my dad, I just told him he did things to me that I didn't want, I had to I had to file a restraining order after restraining order! When finally he broke one too many and there was a warrant out for his arrest he disappeared. I was on pins and needles for the rest of my time at Uni I saw him a few times and so bought myself a secure penthouse apartment here in the Pike District. With security only access and cameras. I lived like a recluse, running my businesses from there, because every time I went out I saw him jogging or he was in the same place as me, so I turned the tables and started watching him, only it wasn't him I was watching it was fucking Christian Grey." She looked at me and smiled; she tapped away on the laptop and smiled.

"Oh, I can see why, the enigmatic Christian Grey does look like Tristan Paul right? I can see the similarities and I can understand the confusion totally."

"I thought I was mad, but stalking Christian became a bad habit, I was already fragile and confused and hurt at being mistreated by another male, I well needed to be able to say here this is what he has done to me. I even at one point thought Tristan and Christian were one in the same person. Perhaps Tristan was Christians dark side."

"I doubt even Christian Grey would have to stoop as low as to do something as heinous as the things that boy Tristan did to you?"

"No, I know that now, but back then I didn't. Had I sought help, perhaps I would have. I well went on about my business for the next couple or so years amassing my empire and doing the odd modelling job for Jose, he is now the only photographer I work for. I was getting letters and weird phone calls again so when Jose got offered the whole year contract for a designer, to photograph her designs exclusively and me to model in them, I went with him. I was set to stay for the whole year and just relax, I had a great team in place to keep AS Corp is running and I could do the designs for R&R Designs from anywhere."

"You are a designer too?"

"Yeah of yachts, not frocks. Anyway, we had done a shoot in Paris, one in Naples and then we were doing one in Italy in Rome, when I went to my room… I… I…"

"It's alright, we have the police reports here and I don't need to know what you went through you can't keep reliving it, the first time was bad enough I imagine and this was all fresh in your mind, so I will read the reports if that's alright with you?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Grab a water whilst I do a read through." I did as she said and wished there was a whiskey in this glass. I stared at the painting of the relaxing man and relaxed and wished I was on that wall looking up at the cloudy skies of Salford too.

"Do you want to continue?"

"Yes please I need this bit out of the way and then get to the crux of my mental health issues, why the fuck am I obsessing over Christian Grey?"

"I can hazard a guess, you had a crush on him as a child, according to John's notes he was the older good looking neighbour?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Let's get this done, and then I will leave it with John to sort out the Christian thing." I nod and get comfy, all the time looking at the relaxing man on the wall, I am there and staring at the clouds floating on by, I will tell her the story of how a part of me died that day, the part that ever wanted to be a mother ever again…

"I was brought back to Portland and put on medication for my PTSD and wasn't feeling great as you can imagine, I'd let Jose down, I had allowed him to do that to me not once but twice, all my training came down to nothing, I was useless at fighting him off and well when I got home I would throw up and get light headed not eat cry depressed didn't cover it I was suicidal and then one day I was sat in the bath and had my dad's razor, but the phone rang and as it rang and rang and rang, I got out and answered it, it was Jose he had stopped me doing something stupid, without realising it. So I knew I needed help, I went to the doctors and I found out I was pregnant and to say I was shocked was an understatement. I was on the shot and didn't thinkthere was a possibility. Anyhow I had to tell my father and though it wasn't the child's fault I didn't want it I didn't want any reminder of him and that night, it was bad enough I had the blasted nightmares I didn't need a constant reminder there. The ghosts in my head are enough of that.

So I was having it, her, as it turns out adopted. I had signed paperwork for a couple to have her and I went about my day to day life, I got a call from my agent to come to New York, which I did and when I was going up the escalator towards the agency, I thought I saw Tristan, I know I did, he was there and alive. I had a panic attack and fainted, unfortunately I fell from near the top to the bottom, when I came to in hospital I had miscarried her, I was sad, but also relieved, and cried because I was a heartless bitch she was better off dead and not knowing what a monster she had for a father and weak and useless woman for her mom."

"I don't think for one minute you are weak, nor useless. I think you were brave, you were willing to have the baby and put her up for adoption, as it was fate decided for you and her that day. I am betting the man was Christian Grey?"

"Yeah, how lame am I?"

"I would say not so at all. You can't help who you fall in love with; sometimes, who you fall in love with is a predestined thing. I don't usually discuss personal issues, but your case warrants it I think. My mom and dad grew up next door to each other, he was way older than her, her date had let her down for her senior prom, so he put his Naval dress uniform on and took her instead. They have known each other all their lives and sixty years and sixty seven years respectively, they are still in love with each other and still best friends today.

I only met John on the River Thames on a boat ride and spoke to him for like three hours before I realised he was the one, it took him however two weeks of escorting me around England to realise a little bit of water. as he always says. wasn't gonna keep us apart. So you never know who Mr Perfect for you is until you meet him. Perhaps getting to know Christian now will rid you of your childhood crush, who knows? I will leave that conundrum for John to sort out for you." I oh-ed, perhaps getting to know a grown up Christian would rid me of my crush, perhaps that would be better and we could just be friends, yeah I could do that be a friend…

I have a pintrest thing lol though at the moment its looking like a salon for brown haired girls (As Christian never named them all, nor did Ms James I'm having fun with the ones they didn't lol! I am taking liberties with the original I know, but as I said if you want fifty read the most excellent books again and there are loads on fan fiction that are akin to the shades family xx

/christinewoodso/images-for-fifty-falls/