Christian
It has been two weeks, Teddy is now a month old, and Anastasia still hasn't taken me back or given me a chance like she said she would. I am trying hard to prove to her that I have well and truly changed my way of thinking, because I have, but nothing seems to get through to her.
She is trying hard to fight us.
I've been coming to see her and Teddy more often, instead of having them come to me, and I have been helping more, doing my share with him. However, I haven't had Teddy alone since that day, but I do see him often. Both of them. Every day after work, Anastasia's apartment is my first stop before going to mine. I actually stay as long as I can, until she asks me to leave. We've talked about doing overnight stays when Teddy is a bit older, which is fine with me, but that has yet to happen.
I've bought so much baby shit, I'm thinking of buying stock in Huggies or Pampers. Who knew someone so little would go through so many diapers and wipes. Not including all the unused diapers I go through when I change him that are too ruined to be used properly. But on the plus side, I think I have finally mastered the task of diaper changing. Almost. It is great to hear her giggle and laugh at me when I'm fucking up diaper duty, though.
I've helped Anastasia with choosing a pediatrician for Teddy, my mother gave me a list of top physicians she recommended that I gave to Anastasia so she could choose one she liked. And I plan to accompany her to his first visit. Actually, every visit, after I have Andrea link his appointments with mine so I can arrange my shit around his to be with them.
After realizing my many fuck ups, I've decided I need to talk to someone, and the only one I can truly talk to about this without judgement is Flynn. I've sworn off therapy when he suggested I accept this change in my life but now that I've finally accepted it, I'm also going to accept his help. Truly this time. As much as I am okay with being a father, it still frightens the shit out of me, and I don't want my fear to be the thing that holds me back. I need talk this shit out.
So here I am, sitting on the familiar brown leather sofa in his office.
As I sit here, I think of our pervious session;
"I'm losing her." I tell him quietly.
"What makes you say that?"
"I've accepted it. She said if I accepted fatherhood that we could try again, but she wont even give me the chance."
"Christian, it is from my understanding that your acceptance came from watching Teddy for an hour or so."
"And?" I snort. "What does it matter when or how long it took, the point is I get it now, I understand what she wants from me. I'm a father, I want to be a father. And this is what she said she wanted from me for us to be together again, yet we're not. So what else is it going to take? She says I don't get it, what don't I get?"
"I can't tell you that."
"You mean, you know?"
"I have an idea."
"But you wont tell me." I guess.
"Christian, you're going to have to figure this one out for yourself."
"I'm sorry, I want to make sure I understand this. I have a problem, you know the answer, you are my doctor, I am paying you, but you wont tell me."
"That's right."
"Unbelievable."
"Christian, I can't tell you what Anastasia wants or needs, only Anastasia can."
"But you have an idea." I repeat his words with a barely controlled temper.
I don't even have a fucking clue and here he is sitting with the answer inside him. The least he could do is share it with the fucking class.
"Time." He answers simply. "Anastasia needs time to heal from the hurt and pain she still feels from you leaving her, it is not going to happen overnight."
"I'm trying to change." I snap.
"Believe me, Christian, you are changing."
This is the topic we were on when I told him about Anastasia's pregnancy right before I stormed out and swore never to return. Now look at me, I'm here again. And we're right back on the topic we left off months earlier. No real change ever happened within those months away. Except that now I am trying to change. However...
"I don't feel like I am." I complain.
"You only feel that way because you are not getting the immediate results that you are seeking. Things take time. And that is what Anastasia needs from you."
This is all my fault. If I hadn't of left her because of my fear of being a father, we would still be together, we could've figured this shit out together, and I wouldn't be this miserable. Instead, I ran from my problems and now, apparently, I have to give her the time she needs. But, what if it's not time that she needs...
"Do you think I can?"
"Change?" He asks.
Unable to speak, I nod, so he continues,
"Christian, you may not realize it, but Anastasia coming into your life last year was life changing in itself. Our very first session after she agreed to try with you, I could see a difference, and I didn't even know the reason why until you told me it was because you met a girl. Your words, not mine, not submissive. ... Look at the changes you've made for her in your relationship. It is to my understanding that you had a vanilla relationship with a contract in place, though there was no real need for the contract, so I see that as changing from your previous relationships."
That's true. Flynn has told me to try things with her without the contract, as it didn't really serve a purpose, but it felt like a safety net for me, so to speak. I thought I needed it. I guess that safety net is being thrown out the damn window if she ever takes me back, as we wont have a contract in this new relationship... that is, if we ever have a relationship again.
"Elena has said Anastasia is trying to change me..." I leave out the part where Elena said that if Anastasia truly cared for me, as Elena did, she wouldn't change who I was to fit her wants and needs. That's not how it works, how Elena has showed me... Elena said she accepted who I was, and reminded me of when I wanted to move on from submissive to dominant, and then when I ended our physical relationship, and how she was happy to help me, not forcing me to stay as her submissive, not holding me back. She saw what I wanted and let me go. Mostly, I keep this to myself because I don't want this session to turn into an Elena session. I want to stay focused on my future right now, not my past. I honestly don't even know why I'm bringing her up at all.
"This will be the first time that I'm not completely against what Elena has said." He admits, surprising me. "Anastasia is changing you, Christian, yes, but for the better. As you have changed her. It is mutual and beneficial."
"Let me ask you this," He continues when I stay quiet. "Do you want to change?"
"Yes."
"Then, as your friend who would like to see you flourish, I suggest you don't listen to anything Elena has to say. She will try to hold you back from growing."
"I'm starting to believe that."
After that session, I ended all contact with Elena. I stopped answering her calls, stopped going to lunches with her, I even gave the salons to Ros to deal with. I know there is more that I need to deal with regarding her, but as I've said, I'm trying to work on my future, not my past, so I ignore her. I'll deal with her once I'm ready.
"Christian." Dr. Flynn pulls me form my thoughts.
"What?" I blink, coming back to the now.
"I was asking how everything has been since I last saw you."
"Oh. It's been fine." I answer distractedly, because, obviously, it is not.
"Anastasia?"
"The same." I admit sadly and he writes something down.
"And how are things going with Teddy? At the risk of sounding cliché, how does fatherhood make you feel."
"To be honest, I'm still scared shitless. I'm bound to fuck it up eventually, they deserve better than a me, I know that. But now that I have them, I don't want to give them up. They are mine."
I've always been a possessive bastard, but it's different with her, with Teddy. They are mine. Forever.
"What makes you think you wont be a good father?"
"It's in my genes. If my own birthmother fucked up so badly, I'm bound to do the same. Perhaps not to her degree of neglect, letting whomever abuse-" I gulp hard, not being able to finish my sentence... or thought. "It's in my blood."
"Not everyone who was abused as a child turns into an abuser as an adult." He tries to put me at ease, but it's not working. "The cycle can end."
"Seriously?" I retort sarcastically. "I beat brunettes who look like my birthmother, for fuck's sake."
"I thought BDSM wasn't abuse?"
Fucker!
"It's not." I growl, pissed that he's using my own words against me.
He waits impassively, and patiently, for me to continue. We've went over the lifestyle before; Safe, Sane, Consensual. That's not what this session is about so I stay quiet.
"When is the last time you've beaten a submissive?"
"What?" His question takes me by surprise.
"When is the last time you've beaten a submissive," He repeats. "It's a simple question."
"I don't know." I shift in my seat, uncomfortable for some reason. Fucking brown leather couch!
"Anastasia was your last partner, correct."
"You know that."
"Did you ever beat her?"
"No. Again, you know that."
"Why?"
"Seriously, Flynn, do we have to keep dragging this shit out. I want to work on my current problem, not my past and all this BDSM shit right now."
"Answer the question."
"Because I knew she couldn't handle that aspect of my lifestyle." I answer anyway, despite not wanting to. "Pain isn't for her."
Yes, we had a contract in place, and yes, I was training her to be my submissive, but I was only training her because she asked me to.
Shortly after she agreed to try things my way, she asked me to show her the worst, so that she would know for sure if she could do it or not... only I couldn't do it. I took her to the Playroom, belt in hand, intending to show her exactly what she would be in for, but the fear I felt at the thought of her leaving was enough to stop me before I started.
She wanted to know if she could handle it, and if she could or couldn't, it would determine if she stayed with me or not. I knew she would leave me if I showed her what kind of monster I really was, so, instead, I gave her a light paddling and then we had rough sex where she wasn't allowed to come. I still don't think she believed me when I said that was the worse, but she stayed, that's all that mattered to me. Later that night, I made it up to her in my bed.
Our relationship was never a total power exchange, and I never punished her like I have others in the past. I knew the first time she saw my Playroom, and the way she looked at all my toys, that she wouldn't be able to do it. I knew then and I should've ended it, but I couldn't. I had to have her, anyway that I could.
"And to be with her, you had to give that up."
"Yes."
"It has been over a year since... Do you miss it?"
"I miss fucking, yeah." I've been reduced to masturbating like a fucking horny teenager, as if I couldn't walk down the street and have my pick. The only thing, the one I want... doesn't want me.
"I didn't ask if you missed intercourse, Christian. Do you miss inflicting pain on others?"
"It would kill me if I hurt her." You already have, asshole, my subconscious glares at me, reminding me of the pain that I've already caused her.
"I wasn't referring to anyone specifically."
"It doesn't matter. I only want her. She's all that matters." Everyone else is insignificant, meaningless.
"You're avoiding the question."
Do I miss it? I've been living without it for some time now, and, to be honest, no, I don't miss it. I haven't even thought about it.
Elena has always warned me that I needed it, though. That I wouldn't be able to function without it. Because look at my life before it... But since being with Anastasia, I haven't felt that need and I'm doing just fine. Do I need it? Do I really need it? Can I live, survive without it? I've been living without her for months and I want her back. I miss her. She is the one thing I can't seem to live without, I can do without the other bullshit so long as I have her.
Okay, so I don't miss it and I don't need it, but what about my nightmares... In those, I am the one hurting them. I've already hurt her emotionally, I don't want to hurt them physically, too.
"The nightmares are worse." He'll probably assume I'm going off topic, but I'm not.
"Are they the same as before?"
"They're the same but different." I explain, "The roles have been switched; Anastasia is my birthmother... and Teddy... he is me. ... I feel his pain, I know it, I've lived it. Yet in my dreams... I'm the pimp. I'm the one hurting him after I hurt her for trying to protect him. These nightmares... I can't, I just can't. I don't want to hurt them anymore, I've done it enough in reality, but to do it in my unconscious state of mind. I can't cope, Flynn."
"Your past is haunting you, Christian. You're afraid it is going to become your future, your reality. It would make sense for it to frighten you. But you have nothing to fear. You're a good man, Christian, despite what you think. You shouldn't let your past worry you, I have faith in you that you can do this and that you can be a great father, and so does Anastasia."
"How do you know she feels that way?"
"She's giving you a second chance to make it right, isn't she."
I scuff at that. She hasn't given me a second chance at all.
"Christian, she is being extremely reasonable from where I'm sitting. You missed out on a lot; doctor's visits, birthing class, morning sickness, aches and pains, late night cravings, feeling your baby kicking from inside the womb... her whole pregnancy, you weren't there for her. Since Teddy has been born, she has given you a second chance to be a part of his life so you don't miss anymore milestones with him. She may not have given you a second chance with her, yet, but she is giving you a second chance with your son. That is something most women wouldn't do. I'm actually quite surprised that she has."
"So how do I fix this?"
"Work on your relationship with your son first." He tells me. "Have you been alone with Teddy since Anastasia asked you to watch him two weeks back?"
"No," I admit, "But I have seen him, held him, changed him... I help out as much as she allows. I go to their apartment everyday, but I haven't been alone with him since that day."
"Why not?"
"Anastasia hasn't asked me to watch him again." I shrug.
"Why can't you offer?"
"She doesn't go anywhere."
"She doesn't have to go anywhere for you to watch him, Christian, you can watch him so she can nap, shower, eat... I remember what it was like for my wife when our children were that small. Trust me, giving Anastasia a break will be helpful to you both. So I suggest you spend some bonding time with your son without Anastasia around. The time you were alone with him, seems to have done some good, perhaps that is just the thing you need."
I can do that. I do it now, but with her in the room, surely I can do it for another hour, or an hour a day, so she can do whatever.
"We're out of time for today," He says, checking his watch.
"Thank you, doctor." I stand to leave.
He raises a curious brow as to why I'm thanking him, so I laugh.
"Changing, remember."
I walk out while emailing Andrea to confirm my next appointment with Flynn.
Now it's time for me to see my girl, who doesn't want to be mine, and my son, who doesn't know that I royally fucked everything up.
As I ride back to Escala, I think about my family. My parents were upset, but got over it pretty quickly once they saw Teddy. Mia doesn't seem bothered about this whole situation at all, but I haven't heard from Elliot since I saw him at the hospital when Anastasia gave birth. In fact, I haven't even heard from him once. And it has been a month.
Has it really been that long since I've seen or spoken to my brother?
I have tried calling him, but he never answers.
So I try again, but, as usual, it goes to his voicemail.
"El, call me back." I leave a message.
I hang up and decide to call again. He usually always answers, always, so I don't know why he hasn't been.
"What?" He finally answers.
"El. Hey. What are you doing?"
"Nothing."
"Well, do you want to hang out? We could chill at my place, drink beer, play pool or Xbox, whatever you like." After my visit with Anastasia and Teddy, of course.
"Why?"
"It's been awhile since I've seen you."
"So."
Okay, why is he answering me with single words, and why does he have an attitude. This isn't like him.
"El, what's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Then come to my place tonight."
"Can't."
"Why, you said you weren't doing anything."
"I didn't say I wasn't doing anything, I said I was doing nothing. If I go to your place I will be doing something."
I laugh because this is the Elliot I know, the jokester.
"Laters."
"El, wait-" Before I can finish my sentence, he disconnects the call.
What the fuck is his problem?
I try calling him back, but it goes right to his voicemail. I don't bother trying again, I already know he wont answer. But I don't know why he wont.
Maybe my next appointment with Flynn should be about Elliot and what the fuck his problem could be. It's obvious he is pissed at me, I know he still talks with Mia, mom and dad, but he is ignoring me. Is it because I didn't tell anyone about Anastasia and Teddy? Mia, mom and dad seemed to have forgiven me. I expected this from Carrick, not Elliot. So why is he so upset. Anastasia isn't even as upset as Elliot seems to be.
But that will have to wait another day, I'm home and I want to see my family. That still sounds so fucking weird. And weird that I like the sound of it, too.
Taylor pulls into the underground garage and up to the elevator.
After I left GEH, and before my appointment with Flynn, I had Taylor take me to the store so I could pick up diapers and wipes for Teddy, so I grab the boxes after I exit the SUV.
Instead of going to my apartment, I enter the elevator with the packages of diapers and wipes and head to Anastasia's floor, like I always do when I get home. Though I never come at the same time, due to work, meetings and such, and I am later when I see Flynn, I know she expects me.
Knocking on her door, I wait for her to answer.
And when she does, I'm seeing red. Nothing but red.
Flynn was right, I'm not losing her. I've already lost her.
Anastasia
With nothing to do, I've been getting things ready for when I return to work. With Christian's support, I no longer need a job at all, but working at a publishing house has always been my dream and I'm excited to go back. I wasn't planning on having Christian's help at all, so I'm going back in two weeks. It's all the time off I could afford, really, even with maternity leave in place. SIP grants up to 6 weeks paid, but I could take off more time- unpaid. Since I already said I would be back in 6 weeks, I haven't asked for more time off, planning to return once the 6 weeks are up. And my time will be up in 2 weeks.
Being a mom is the best. But I'm happy to go back to work and interact with adults, not just Christian.
Christian comes over in the evenings, when he's off from work. But sometimes it's late when he arrives and I'm exhausted from my day with Teddy, so he doesn't stay long.
Which is why Ethan is on his way up, the front desk just called to tell me.
He called me saying he was back in town. He stopped at Kate's apartment to find my things missing, and Kate wasn't home or answering her cell so he called me. I explained that I moved out, but not too many details. And I kind of left out the fact that Kate and I aren't really... friends... anymore. He asked to hang out and since I wasn't doing anything, and was desperate for adult interaction, I invited him over.
Unlike José, who made an unwanted pass at me, Ethan isn't like that. And unlike his sister Kate, Ethan doesn't judge me or give me an Inquisition.
I still can't believe I never saw what a bitch she is.
A knock at my apartment door tells me Ethan is here.
I answer with a smile when I see him standing behind Sawyer, who was the one to knock.
"Ethan!" I grin.
"Ana!" He matches my girly excitement.
I laugh and pull him into a hug before we enter my apartment and close the door behind us, leaving Sawyer in the hallway. He'll go back to his apartment, I'm sure. I've never had a visitor other than Mia here, but surely he wouldn't come in my apartment because I had a friend over, right? I'm still not entirely sure how this security thing works, and I hold back asking Ethan if Sawyer searched him before they knocked.
"So where is the little guy?"
"He's there." I point to the swing I have Teddy in.
My little bear loves to be cuddled and rocked, so this swing, that hugs him as it moves from side to side, is a godsend for when I need a mommy moment alone.
"He looks like you." Ethan insists, peering down at my swinging boy.
"Really? Everyone thinks he looks like Christian." Myself included.
"Nah, I mean, I can see him, but I really see you more than him. Maybe because I've never really seen this Grey guy in person. Dad does business with him and Kate was friends with his sister at one point, but I've never been to one of dad's meetings, or one of Kate's slumber parties for that matter, so..."
"Kate wasn't happy when she found out Christian Grey is Teddy's father." I admit, sitting on my couch now with my legs tucked in. Ethan soon follows and sits with me.
"Screw her." He says of his sister. "She had a crush on him since forever. I think since his first magazine published photo when he just started out. But she'll get over it."
"Maybe." I shrug, not wanting to tell him bad things about his sister.
"What's wrong?"
"I just... I feel like I lost my best friend. She may get over it, but I don't think I want to be friends with someone who puts me down."
"Puts you down?" He frowns, confused.
I shake my head, not wanting to talk about it, especially with him, because, he is Kate's brother after all, but he wont let the subject drop until he knows what I'm talking about.
"She said she would be a better match for Christian because they come from the same social circle. I'm basically a nobody, but she's right."
"Um, no. She's not right." He argues, defending me against someone who isn't even here. And that someone being his sister of all people. "Ana, you may be a 'nobody' compared to someone like Grey, but everyone is, even Kate. Hell, I don't think anyone is on his level, so don't let what she said get to you."
"It doesn't matter that she said it, I've always thought it myself. There are so many other girls that are better for him. Trust me."
"But you... you are the one he wants. And I can see why. You wont listen when anyone tells you how attractive you are, you don't see yourself clearly, but you caught his eye. Not Kate, not anyone else. And after that, it was your heart he fell in love with. Trust me." He mimics my words.
"Christian isn't in love with me." I laugh at the thought, but I secretly wish it were true.
"Do you love him?" He asks curious, now that we're on the topic.
"It's complicated." I love him, yes, but I don't want to. It would make things easier if I didn't. I guess it's true, you can't help who you love.
"Does he know?"
"It doesn't matter if he knows or not, it wouldn't change anything."
"It could." He tries to argue on Christian's behalf, but it really wouldn't. Even if Christian knew that I loved him, we still wouldn't be together. Christian needs to figure his shit out before we can be anything more than co-parents. And it's me holding us back, not him. I love him and want to be with him again, I miss us, but Teddy and I deserve better than the way he treated us when I told him I was pregnant.
"So how's motherhood?"
And just like that, we avoid an awkward conversation.
"I'm still getting use to it," I admit, "But I think I got the hang of it so far. I love it. And I love him."
"I always knew you'd make a great mom. You were so shy and quiet all the time, but I could see the mama bear just dying to come out. My mom was the same way, dad says. But, boy does she have the mom look and the tone down pat. She could silence us with that look, still can."
I giggle because I have seen mama Kavanagh in that mama mode before.
"I'm hungry," He complains. "let's order a pizza or something."
"I could fix you a sandwich."
"Don't." He says with a serious yet playful tone.
"Okay, pizza it is."
I let Ethan order, reminding him of my address and apartment number before we pop on a random movie and continue our conversation.
It's mainly about Teddy, and me being a mom now. I tell him very little about Christian, like I've done for everyone. And he tells me his troubles of finding someone.
"Ya know, Christian has a younger sister." I hint what he already knows.
"Yeah, I know." He dismisses the idea.
"I could see if she's single for you."
"No thanks, Ana, I don't want to be with some brat."
"I really don't think she is. The few times I've met with her, she seemed great. I'm actually surprised she and Christian grew up together, they are so different."
"What is it about this Christian guy that has you so... I don't know, but you seem different."
"I wish I knew myself." Maybe then our break up wouldn't have been so hard. It hurt for so long until the pain finally dulled enough for me to realize it is no longer about Christian and I, but it's about our baby and he needs his monmy. If it wasn't for Teddy, I don't know how badly I would've been after our break up but I know it would've been much worse.
"But honestly, I think he's the one. I don't see myself with anyone else." I tell Ethan sadly, because I honestly believe I am doomed to be alone for the rest of my life. Christian has ruined me.
"Pretty serious stuff. So like, are we talking marriage, more babies, house with a picked fence, the whole nine?"
"I wouldn't go that far. We're actually not together right now."
"Why's that?"
"Its complicated." I feel like I'm repeating myself.
A knock at the door disrupts us. Wow, that was fast. I didn't even get a call from the front desk. Maybe they called my security instead?
"Don't worry," Ethan says, stopping me. "I got it, it's my treat."
"You're my guest." I argue, trying and failing to stop him.
"Getting pizza was my idea." He says, already pulling his wallet out for cash.
When Ethan opens the door, it's not the pizza delivery guy or Sawyer intervening, it's Christian. And he looks like he is ready to tackle Ethan and beat him to a pulp.
I knew he was coming, he always comes over after work, but I completely lost track of the time, and he never comes at the same time anyway so I wasn't certain when exactly he would be here today. Plus, I believe he said he had therapy after work today so he would later than usual. Not that it matters that Ethan is here, I can have friends over. However, male friends and Christian do not mix.
My smile fades and I quickly jump up, needing to defuse him before he explodes.
"Christian, what are you doing here?" Shit. If that didn't sound suspicious!
Quick, how do I unsay something?!
"What is he doing here." Christian all but growls.
"Um." I dont really know how to defuse him so I introduce them. "This is Kate's brother Ethan. Ethan, this is Christian Grey, Teddy's father."
Christian doesn't look pleased with the title I've given him, and I don't know if it's because I referred to him as Teddy's father or if because I didn't give him any title as to who he is to me personally.
"Yeah, I know." Ethan steps forward and holds his hand out for Christian. "It's nice to officially meet you."
Instead of shaking Ethan's hand, Christian just stands there glaring at him.
"You brought Teddy diapers?" I step in.
"And wipes." Ethan takes note.
"Thanks, Christian. I'll put them away." I reach for the boxes, but Christian doesn't give them to me.
"I'll help you."
I knew he would. Of course he would. There is no way he is just going to leave, knowing I have a man in my apartment.
Letting Ethan know I'll be right back, I lead Christian to Teddy's room so we can talk in private and put the items away.
"Why is he here?" He repeats his already asked question, that I didn't answer, now that we're alone.
"We're just hanging out."
"What happened to not introducing Teddy to men without talking about it with me first."
"Okay, that goes both ways and that is only for significant others, not friends. Ethan and I are just friends."
"Friends?" He scuffs.
"Yes. Just. Friends."
"He wants into your panties, Anastasia."
"You don't know how wrong you are. Not every guy wants me, Christian."
"You are mine," He ignores me. "Regardless of us not being officially together, you are mine and you always will be. Don't forget that."
Regardless of us not being officially together?! I'm his?! Is he crazy?!
"Does that make you mine?" I ask, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Yes."
"So even though we're not together, you are mine and I am yours. And we can't see anyone else, even though we've broken up."
"Exactly."
"So then explain to me why it is that you wore those jeans when you took me to the hospital."
He looks down as his grey suit confused.
"Your play jeans, Christian." I clearify while rolling my eyes. "Those jeans. We weren't together then... Obviously you moved on, or, at the very least, tried to."
"Did you just roll your eyes at me?" His voice is husky, his eyes darken with lust, as he takes a threatening step towards me, ignoring everything I've just said.
My mouth pops open to accommodate my now heavy breathing, I feel my stomach tighten and heat pool between my legs at wanting him, wanting him to spank me, to fuck me, it's been so long, too long since I've had him... I'm seconds away for throwing my arms around him and crashing my lips to his. All I can think about is that kiss we shared two weeks ago, how his lips felt, how it made me feel. And I want to feel that again.
But I shouldn't. That's what he wants, he's trying to change the subject and distract me, and he is very good at it. That, and he'd only want to fuck me because Ethan is in the next room. I'm sure he'd be loud or have me screaming so Ethan knew exactly what was happening behind this door. And as much as I want that to happen, it's too soon and I'm still not ready for that.
"NO." I stand firm, hold my hands up to stop him, surprising myself. "You can't have your cake and eat it too, Christian. And don't change the subject. You're allowed to move on, but I'm not, just because you think, for whatever stupid reason, that I am yours even though I'm not. You left me, remember."
"I've not moved on."
"But you tried to." I cry, unable to control my emotions.
"Ana..."
"Do you know how hard it was for me? To stop repeating everything you said to me in my mind? To stop thinking about you every second of the day? To get over the hurt that still haunts me to this day? It was so easy for you to let go of everything, to move on, to forget about everything we had, but it was difficult for me. If I wasn't pregnant, I honestly don't think I could've survived losing you." And that is why I'm protecting myself now. I gasp at the realization.
"You think it was easy for me?!" He choked out. "Anastasia, I was fucked up those first few months. I couldn't eat, sleep, shower, go to work, shave. I stayed in my apartment, looking more like a bum than a billionaire, drinking myself into a stupor while looking at photos of you. I couldn't do anything without thinking about you. I was miserable without you. I couldn't function."
Whose fault was that?! My subconscious screams.
"But you did! Eventually you found enough strength to get over it and move on."
"As did you." He accuses me.
"We can argue all day who hurt more, but the point is, it was your fault we ended things, it's your fault we're hurting. And now you are trying to come back, why? Why even bother ending us at all if you were just going to come back? I can't keep do this again, Christian, I just can't."
"You think it was just my fault you got pregnant?"
"I didn't say that. I said it was your fault that we ended this. We didn't break up because I was pregnant, we broke up because you weren't okay with the pregnancy."
"I told you, I was scared."
"I was scared, too!" I scream, tears now running down my face. "I was pregnant and I was all alone!"
"I'm trying to change now," He yells back. "doesn't that count for something?!"
A knock on the door interrupts us.
"Uh, Ana?" Ethan says from the other side.
"Yeah?" I wipe my tears, even though Ethan can't see me behind the closed door.
"Pizza is here." He announces. "For real this time."
"Okay, we'll be right out."
I wait to hear him leave the door before I turn back to Christian.
"Be nice to Ethan, Christian. You can't just come into my apartment acting all jealous because I have a friend over, because that friend is male, and because you think I've moved on, even if I did."
"I'm a very possessive man, Anastasia, as you well know. And as I've said, you are mine. I could give a fuck about schematics."
"Well, you have nothing to worry about with Ethan, trust me. But if and when I ever do decide to date, you can't just waltz in here acting all high and mighty when you're anything but innocent."
"I thought we were trying to work things out."
"That doesn't mean that will work out." I argue.
"How do you know unless we try? You said if I'm a father to Teddy, which I have been, you'd give me another chance. It's been weeks, Anastasia, and I'm still waiting for that chance."
"You may be fixing things with your son, and that's great, but you hurt me, Christian. The things you said... I can't just act like you didn't say them. And then to have that pain resurface when I saw you wearing those jeans, knowing what that meant, and that I was still so-" I have to stop, swallowing hard, before I say anything more.
"Baby, I wasn't with anyone while we were apart. I admit I tried, twice if I'm being honest, but both times I wasn't able to go through with it. All I could think about was you."
"It's not about that, it's not about any of this. You could've had whoever you wanted, and still can." Do I really mean that? I felt as jealous as he is now when I saw him wearing those jeans. I don't know if I'd be able to handle it if he really did move on, like I never mattered to him at all. But the difference is, he tried to move on, Ethan is just my friend, nothing more.
"I don't want anyone but you."
"We aren't together, Christian." I remind him.
"Because you are holding back." He argues. "You said if I tried, if I showed you I've changed, that we could try again, but we've yet to try anything. Why is that, Anastasia? Tell me, why?"
"Because I'm not ready." I wrap my arms around myself again, this time trying to protect myself.
"When? When will you be?"
"I don't know, I told you I need time."
If I'm being honest, I don't think I ever will... I'm having a hard time getting over the hurt. Every time I think everything is okay and we can try again, I remember how cold he was, the words he said, and how he left me alone throughout my whole pregnancy. But I would never tell him that. He would go thermonuclear fifty if he found out that I don't think we will ever be together again. But I do, I really, truly do want to be with him again. I just have to stop this pain before I can.
"I'm not looking for anyone else, Christian. I want to try again, I do, I'm just not ready yet. I need more time."
"Okay." He takes a deep breath. "I'll wait as long as you need."
"Thank you. If you want to stay, you can." I offer because I know he'll be pacing the floor upstairs and pulling at his hair until he finds out that Ethan has left.
Ethan has the pizza box and plates set up on my table in front of the couch. Teddy is still sleeping and swinging, peacefully unaware of what is going on.
I sit next to Ethan, but I have to move when Christian sits between us. I didn't think he would want to sit next to Ethan, but I should've known that he wouldn't want me next to Ethan.
In true Christian Grey fashion, he stays until Ethan leaves, which I think is sooner than he would if we were alone. Uncomfortable doesn't even explain the rest of our evening.
I'll have lunch with Ethan soon to apologize for my jealous baby daddy. If we have lunch instead of dinner, it's less of chance for Christian to interrupt. Unless his henchmen say something and he cancels a meeting or something and just so happens to show up.
Teddy woke so Christian is feeding him while I clean up.
"So how was therapy today?" I ask to make conversation.
He doesn't answer me right away, instead I think he's recalling his session. I let him be and continue on with my task.
"I'd like to keep Teddy overnight." Christian blurts out. "Tonight."
"Wh- what?"
"We discussed him staying overnight with me but it hasn't happened yet. I'd like to keep him overnight tonight."
"Why?"
"I want to help you with him. This way you can sleep in."
"You don't need to, Christian, I'm fine."
"Anastasia, you're exhausted, let me help."
"Christian-" I try to decline his offer again, but he interrupts me.
"I'd like to spend more time with my son, is there a problem?"
"No."
"Then I'd like for him to stay with me tonight. We're only a few floors up, we wont be far."
I know there will come a time when I will have to be away from him, especially when Christian starts having him every other weekend, and this could help me get use to being away from him while I'm at work, but I don't like it. I haven't really been away from Teddy, especially overnight, I don't know if I can. But I have to. We co-parent, thanks to me.
"I'll get his stuff ready." I try to say without crying and rush to his room to pack Teddy an overnight bag, even though he has everything he'll need, except milk, at Christian's.
I guess Teddy is having his first overnight visit with his daddy.