omg! Finally i got this chapter finished! It was so hard to write, even though it was a chapter that had to be in the story.
I'm really sorry for keeping everyone waiting for so long, but here the next chapter is, and I hope you enjoy it! :)
Even though I was very comfortable up against Kakashi's chest, I never seemed to fall in deep sleep. I was in that weird state of sleeping where you never really feel like you've slept, every time you open your eyes. I guess it was some kind of alert sleeping. My back was warm thanks to Kakashi and I easily felt the contrast of warm and cold on my front and back.
I hadn't expected much of a welcome at the village, but apparently the society was so small that newcomers was exciting news. A minor caravan of children, parents, workers and so on, followed the sleigh as soon as we'd entered the streets of the village. It wasn't much of a village though. Very primitive was the small huts, made of leathery material or of snow. We stopped somewhere in the middle of the village as a small crowd had gathered around us. I didn't want to leave the warm comfort of Kakashi but I knew I had to.
"Gathering a crowd like this isn't very ninja like." I muttered as I brushed of some snow of my coat as soon as I was up on my feet again.
"Strangers here are very uncommon." Kakashi whispered to me before he went around to gather his backpack.
I didn't like all the attention and watched sourly as a kid picked his nose while staring at me. A lot of the women was staring at Kakashi and his weird hair color. I knew he'd been here before which probably was why some of the people looked quite content. I gathered my backpack while Ryo said his hello's to the people in the crowd he knew best. I turned around, standing closely behind Kakash as the silence of the crowd slowly killed us.
"Her hair color is weird." I child said, pointing at me while pouting innocently. His mom, I presumed, shushed on him.
I rolled my eyes irritated, snorting lowly and met Kakashi's gaze when I looked over his shoulder. I could see by the glimpse in his eyes that he wanted to laugh at that comment and my reaction to it. My attention was diverted by a rather large man who was making his way through the crowd. His voice was naturally loud and deep and his beard was long and black.
"Kakashi!" He said out loud.
When he appeared in front of all of the people he stood with his arms spread wide apart, and with the biggest smile plastered across his face. I had to admit that, compared to this guy, Kakashi looked like a small thin man. This guy was both tall, muscular and had a good round belly. His whole presence was just big and warm.
"Greetings Mamoru-sama." Kakashi said, bowing politely.
I took it that this was the head of the village as Kakashi referred to him as 'sama'. The big man laughed warmly and took to long steps towards Kakashi, engulfing him in a bone crushing hug while almost lifting Kakashi from the ground. I almost spat when I tried to suffocate a laugh. Mamoru laughed in deep guffaws before he put down the startled Kakashi who almost looked like a ghost. I guess if Santa really existed, this guy would be a good candidate as he was also wearing a funny hat which did nothing for his ears.
"And who do we have here?"
I took a nervous step back just by the loud sound of his voice and tried to force a smile. I really hoped he wouldn't give me the same hug as Kakashi had gotten.
"I'm Toshi." I said, bowing my head like Kakashi had done, just in case.
He strode pass Kakashi and was in front of me in one step.
"Nice to meet you Toshi."
He took my hand forcefully and shook it violently, my whole body shaking with it. This guy was truly something special. But his attention was quickly diverted to Kakashi again, as he started to talk and laugh with him. It took a few seconds for me to recover upon the handshaking, and also I was afraid that he might've crushed the bones in my hand. As some of the lights were off me now, I put on my heavy backpack with the scroll on it, and then waited for Mamuro to finish talking. I noticed two girls who looked freakishly similar, standing by the hole in the crowd Mamuro had made when he walked through the crowd. They wore thick fur coats and had beautiful braids in their long hair.
My eyes then moved to a man standing beside the girls and I met his eyes as soon as I looked at him. He'd been staring at me, and I looked away immediately. There was something oddly familiar about him, like I'd seem him somewhere before. He was old, maybe about 40, but very fit for his age. He had long platin blonde hair almost with a sickly purple edge to it. His eyes were big, and his eyebrows furrowed naturally down like he was always being frustrated. My eyes flickered to him again; he was still staring at me.
"Do you remember my two girls?"
I looked to Mamuro, and then at the two girls he was looking at. He had his big arm around Kakashi's shoulder in a friendly manner. The two girls smiled timidly at Kakashi, their eyes seeming to admire him. God, why were girls always so horribly obvious in front of Kakashi, it just boosted his self esteem towards girls... Like he hadn't enough esteem on that subject.
"Yes, they've grown a lot." I heard Kakashi say.
One of the girls stepped forward, smiling warmly at Kakashi with her hands folded in fronts of her.
"Kakashi, will you and your colleague join us for dinner?" She asked, her blue eyes almost glistening in the dark.
Great, I was the colleague, the person of no significance whatsoever. Well except to the creepy guy who kept staring at me.
"Yes! We'll all eat together! You and Toshi must be hungry." Mamuro said happily before Kakashi could even answer.
.
On our way towards Mamuro's hut I started to remember creepy guys's face. I think he was a bounty hunter, who'd tried to take me down several times. I didn't know what he was thinking, but surely I was glad that I was under the protection of Konoha. I'd caught him smirking at me and had fought the urge to yell at him. I couldn't remember his name either, but he was a downright creepy person.
Besides that; Mamuro's hut was rather large, and had different branches of small passages leading to smaller huts, like a house with actual rooms. Someone took our backpacks and put them in our apparent rooms, before we entered the main hut. It was big and round, looked kind of cozy and had a fireplace in the middle. Pelts laid spread around the floor to sit on and food had already been prepared for us. I walked around the fireplace following Kakashi and mimicking his customs as I had no idea what to do. There were Mamuro's two daughters, Mamuro's wife, Mamuro himself and creepy guy.
Mamuro requested us to eat and thereafter the conversations went on casually. I stayed silent as Kakashi was leading most of the conversations. The food mostly consisted of fish and few vegetables. I was just wishing that creepy guy wouldn't course any drama and start to stir up my past in front of these loving people. Well, Mamuro was very proud of his girls beauty and I couldn't help but get the feeling that he was trying hard to make Kakashi interested in one of them.
"Oh, by the way, this is Isao. He'll be your guide into the lands. His not from this village though." Mamuro said, starting his third bowl of fish.
Right, so creepy guy's name was Isao and we were going to be stuck with him. Just great.
"It's nice to meet you. But of course, Toshi already knew who I was." He commented subtly as he took a sip from his soup.
I closed my eyes in mortification. Now he had started it, and I would eventually have to explain why we knew each other. I opened my eyes again, seeing that everyone was looking at us curiously. Even Kakashi seemed a bit startled that I knew someone. I tried to keep myself composed and looked cooly at Isao.
"Yes I did." I answered simply and took a sip of water.
Isao smirked, continuing on his soup before he spoke again.
"Kakashi, you must tell me how you managed to tame the white lioness into such a silent behaved creature." He said and I knew that the sentence was supposed to provoke me, and it did.
It provoked me beyond comparison and I wanted to kick him through the wall. But I managed to just scowl at him while Kakashi looked simply confused. There was no one who couldn't catch the condescending tone Isao had. It was embarrassing.
"Kakashi didn't need to tame me. I choose to follow him." I said, sounding carefully neutral, while fighting back my temperament. Isao looked at me, laying his astonishment on too thick.
"Oh, so it's just a coincidence that the son of Konoha's white fang and the white lioness teamed up?" He asked, seeming sickly innocent.
My temperament flared inside and I took in a deep breath to keep calm.
"Toshi?" Kakashi looked at me, alert and worried. I could see that he was trying to understand the situation. The trust that showed in his eyes calmed me down.
"Yes it was." I answered simply.
The merry mood that once were in the hut had completely disappeared and everyone was tense.
"So how do you know each other?" Mamuro's wife asked silently.
"It's all in the past." I answered quickly.
"We'll actually it's a quite funny story. You see, if there still isn't, there once were a bounty for Toshi's head, and I, of course, went for that bounty. She really used to bully the town she lived in and nobody liked her. It was no wonder there was a bounty for her head." Isao said, a satisfied smirk crossing his lips.
I'd been looking at my bowl the whole time, trying not to squeeze it into pieces. He was ruining everything I was trying build up!
"Since she's still here. Her skills must be admirable." Mamuro snapped at Isao's poisoning tongue.
He stopped smirking and bowed his head when he felt the disapproval of Mamuro.
"Toshi may have a violent past, but she has found a new way of life in Konoha and she's doing really good. Konoha couldn't have sent a better kunoichi for this mission."
Hearing Kakashi say such things about me took me by surprise. I looked at him flabbergasted, knowing that such praise from a high ranked ninja meant a lot to a man like Mamuro. Even Isao looked startled and almost embarrassed. Mamuro laughed deeply, taking a hand to his belly while he did.
"Then lets celebrate for Toshi's new way of life." He said, holding up a glass of beer.
I couldn't help but smile. This went a lot better than I had expected. I was really beginning to like this Mamuro. He was so open hearted. Wether it was because Kakashi was on my side or that he just didn't take any bullshit - I didn't know. The mood lightened up quickly almost as if Mamuro had demanded it.
There was definitely no mistaking that the two girls - Miki and Mika - were interested in Kakashi. I didn't know what had happened on his previous mission to this village, but something (besides his reputation) had made an impression on all of them. I was almost positively sure that the girls were twins. The only thing I could tell them apart by, was that Miki had a more round face, where as Mika had a more square face with a pronounced feminine jawline. They weren't in any way annoying like Mai, the girl we had escorted once was. They were both very feminine in the way they spoke, sat, ate and moved. Everything about them was just feminine. It made me feel... Well, like a colleague, like a feminine null. It didn't help much either when Mamuro wanted to show Kakashi how good they were at singing and playing music. Miki played on the flute while Mika was singing. I had to admit that they were both very talented, and Mika was breathtaking when she sang in a foreign way. It wasn't words, but just tunes going up and down in waves. It sounded very exotic and mesmerizing.
I looked at my hands while the girls played. They weren't the soft hands of a woman. It was the hands of a warrior. I was a girl whose femininity was fought and beaten down until it was hardened to more useful masculinity. I wondered if a guy would ever find it attractive about me. I hadn't much feminine things to offer a man. Not my manners, not my clothing, not my cooking skills - hell, I was even a bad singer... I wondered if Kakashi found the girls attractive. If they were what he wanted in a girlfriend.
The girls stopped playing and our small crowd clapped in compliment. Mika flashed Kakashi a tempting smile, flashing her straight line of white teeth. I felt a pit of emptiness in my stomach - it wasn't even jealousy. I knew I stood no chance against a beauty like her... Why'd even think and feel this way? I'd never considered the possibility of being Kakashi's girlfriend and yet I already felt like I'd lost the battle. Why'd I even compare myself to her? I'd never had any issues with girly girls before and now I was tearing myself down just because of her obvious interest in Kakashi. What was wrong with me?! I wanted to straddle myself, that was how confused I felt. I looked at Kakashi out of the corner of my eye as realization slowly started to sink in; was I in love with him?
I looked away quickly, shock starting to sink in after the realization. While I was trying my best to keep a straight face, my mind began to overheat. It couldn't be! It just couldn't! I was incapable of falling in love! I looked at him briefly, my heart starting to pick up its pace. Was this why I liked being close to him? Why I liked to be in his presence all the time? Hell, I even liked when he touched me!
God! I suddenly felt like filthy pervert. Being in love - it was so disgusting to say it to myself. But I guess I couldn't help what I felt...
"You're spacing out Toshi." Kakashi elbowed me in the side and I snapped immediately into consciousness again, scooting a bit away from him.
"Sorry... I guess I'm exhausted." I lied.
I guess there was no one else but myself to judge whether or not I was in love. It was only my own interpretation that, in the end, could define if I was or not.
"Well then! It's late. Girls will you show our guests to their rooms?" Mamuro said, clapping his thighs enthusiastically.
"Of course father." They both said obediently, while rising up elegantly.
I prayed that Isao wouldn't follow us into the same room, and luckily he didn't. We had to crawl through some narrow paths that lead from the main hut, before we came our hut. It was small, with a low ceiling. Kakashi had to dug a bit to fit the ceiling, but otherwise it looked cosy. A fireplace had already been lit up in the middle, and around lay pelts and ancient decorations was hanging from the ceiling. I kind of liked the rustic furnishing, especially the pelts, it was like getting back to the human roots. Luckily the twins left us silently while we got settled. I unpacked my sleeping bag quickly, before I got too cozy and would be to lazy to unpack it.
"Actually I thought we would need this tonight."
I turned around to Kakashi to see him hold a small device. He was studying it lazily before he looked at me.
"What is it?" I asked.
"It's a small heater. It absorbs a small amount of your chakra and generates into hot air."
He smiled at me and packed it away once again. I sat down, taking some of the warm clothes off. The lighting was dull as it was only the fireplace which lit up the small hut. It was kind of relaxing and satisfying. It felt safe from the cold outside. There was one small round window in my side and looking through it sent chills to my bones.
"So what is the deal with this Isao?" Kakashi snapped me out of my thoughts.
He'd moved to sit at three o'clock from me, and leaned back in the pelts and pillows with his hands behind his neck.
"We'll, I didn't recognize him at first but I found out that he was a bounty hunter who once tried to take me down. He doesn't seem very pleasant if you ask me." I admitted.
Kakashi chuckled while looking at the ceiling.
"No. It's probably difficult for him to suddenly treat you as an equal." He said.
I lied down in Kakashi's direction and looked into the orange flames.
"I guess." I hesitated a bit before I spoke again-" it's hard to be reminded of your past so suddenly. It sure isn't easy to start a new reputation." I admitted and looked at the fur before me, stroking the long hairs with my hand.
"You'll just to keep trying. Eventually people will forget." He said, his voice starting to sound tired.
Silence lingered between us for a while. We were both enjoying the safe environment, the warmth and the comfort of the crackling fireplace. My eyes were starting to get heavy once again, but I couldn't fall asleep. The realization I'd had at the dinner kept circling around in my head. It didn't change what I felt, but I'd simply put a label on the feeling. I didn't like that label in particular.
"Excuse me. We have brought some tea."
We both looked up to see the twins standing in the doorway, with a tray of cups and tea. I guess there was no way around them. They had set their eyes on Kakashi. He sat up to be polite and I followed his gesture. They sat down by the fire and started a pleasant conversation with Kakashi as they pored us tea. I thanked them no. Even though they were polite enough to talk and smile to me I felt misplaced. Their chattering was annoying even though I could probably learn something in interacting with people I didn't know, just like they did with Kakakshi. Somehow both or the girls had managed to take a seat beside Kakashi, cutting me off in a way. When the chattering was to much, I decided to go outside to get some fresh air before my temper started to show and I would snap at the girls. There was no point in fighting for him, I was nothing like those girls, and it was way below my standards to fight for a man like they did. I pulled on my coat, and excused myself receiving a slightly puzzled look from Kakashi. I shrugged his look off and crawled outside. I'd forgotten how cold it was outside, and the wind had picked up as well. Pulling my coat closer I walked forward through the thick snow to clear my head. The wind was biting in my cheeks as I walked around the small huts, lost on thought. If I really was in love with him, would I ever be able to have my feelings returned? I knew him and his habits, and getting so close to him as being his girl friend, let alone to get him to admit his feelings (if he had any) was impossible in my head. I'd shoved my feelings aside for so long, that it was overwhelming to feel even the slightest jealous. I had never allowed these feeling, but it was like they'd started to get out of control ever since my new lifestyle.
"My my, taking a stroll are we?"
I snapped my head around in the dark snowy street, but saw no one. I recognized the voice though. It was Isao's voice. I turned around myself suspiciously, looking for the source. He stepped into the light of the huts with one step, and smirked at me, his icy eyes staring at me.
"What do you want?" I snapped at him, crouching slightly in defense.
He took a second to take in my alert form, his expression changing briefly to insecure and then back to confident.
"I just want to apologize about earlier." He walked forward in an apologetic gesture but stopped when I flinched involuntary away.
"Obviously, you've turned into a fine young woman." His eyes flickered down my body and he corrected his eyes almost immediately.
I stopped crouching and straightened my back defiantly. I didn't like that look he gave me; it was almost hungry.
"Just leave me alone Isao. The less we speak the happier I am." I snapped darkly, making sure that I looked as cold as possible.
I turned around to leave him, but felt his fast footsteps towards me. I whirled around to face him; he was a lot closer than expected.
"Just give me a chance." He said, his breath coming down at me.
An unpleasant chill ran through me and everything in my body told me to back away. I was starting to get nervous about the situation, he was quite pushy.
"If you think I'll ever trust a man who has tried to hunt me down, you must be delusional! What is wrong with you?! Just because I have a new social status doesn't mean that I'm a-" I changed my voice to a sarcastic girly tune-" pretty little girl whose only dream is to find someone who will love her." I scowled at him before spitting out my last words.
"You're disgusting!"
With that I turned around, proud of myself that I hadn't taken this to a violent level who my old self would've done. But apparently this wasn't over. He placed a hand on my shoulder and turned me around, while grabbing my throat with his other hand. His expression was absolutely horrifying, and the angry and rejected emotions that seeped out of him made my neck hairs stand in pure aggression. What he did was so provocative that I used all my strength to keep myself from crushing his intestines with my foot. I grabbed his wrist with my hands, staring right back at his ice cold eyes with such anger that I wondered why he was still bold enough to hold on to me.
"Don't you walk away from me you bitch!"
A wave of his desire washed over me. I didn't have enough focus to shut down telepathy that read other peoples emotions, and felt almost sick by the feeling of his desire towards me. His mind was working in high gears at the moment, probably debating with himself if there was any turning back.
"Let go of me!" I hissed through gritted teeth, struggling against his grip.
His eyebrows furrowed down hard over his eyes, when he attacked me with a cold, dry kiss. I was so repulsed by him that I almost felt like puking and fought against the kiss immediately. It was like my mouth was being raped, and I kicked him in the crotch to make him let go. He let go, crouching over in pain and cursing at me. I stood stunned for a moment the cold wind touching my wet lips. I dried them off with me sleeves ferociously and started to walk off shamefully. I didn't get the nerves of this man, but he approached me once again, and this time i didn't hold back. My elbow flew backwards, and I felt the familiar crushing of his nose. He stumbled backwards and landed in snow, holding his bleeding nose in shock. With one last glance at him, I hoped he got the message. I ran back to our hut, feeling the most violated. I couldn't believe that such a creep stole my first kiss. It was such a horrible kiss, that I seriously hoped that it didn't feel like that with other men. I whipped my lips again, while my burning temper wanted to go on a rampage. I scooped up some snow with my hand and washed my lips in the cold ice, also taking a good bite of it to wash the inside of my mouth.
I decided to skip Kakashi and the twins, by entering the main hut instead. No one was inside it so I sat down in front of the fireplace to warm my hands, while brooding. At least now I knew what a kiss wasn't supposed to feel like. I took off my coat, trying to cool down my temper, but I wanted so badly to punch something. I couldn't believe that such a creep had stolen my first kiss. Not that I'd ever given a first kiss much thought, but now that it was stolen I felt violated beyond comparison. Even worse, somewhere in my mind I was telling myself that Kakashi was supposed to be my first kiss! I snorted sarcastically, disgusted with myself that I was beginning to think such things.
"Is something wrong my friend?"
I looked up to see Mamuro, rising his tall figure after having crawled through a tube-way. He walked over to the fireplace and sat down beside me in a friendly manner. I raised my eyebrows obliviously and looked into the fire;
"No, I just need to be alone sometimes." I said, while avoiding his gaze.
He chuckled deeply and took a stick to ruffle the fire.
"Do you not enjoy my daughters company?" He asked.
I was a little taken back by the question. I guess I didn't, but that wasn't what I was running from at the moment. I raised my shoulder confused while trying to come up with an answer. It was to humiliating to tell him about Isao.
"You know, I have three sons too, if you prefer male company." He continued, a teasing smile playing on his barely visible lips.
"No. No it's not your daughters. I'm just having a bad day I guess." I admitted. There was to many things going on in my head to explain.
I was in love with Kakashi (apparently). I didn't know what to do about it. Two girls was chasing him with no regret. I just broke someone's nose and had my first kiss stolen. Yup, everything seemed complicated at the moment.
"I know that Isao can be rough and if I was to judge people who work for me, Isao wouldn't be here. But I believe in the good in people, and that people can change. I was quite a troublemaker when I was young too." He said, seeming to be lost in an old memory.
I snickered at what he said. This man was so pleasant that I couldn't ever imagine him being a troublemaker.
"I can barely imagine that." I said, trying to force away the smile that played on my lips.
"It's true!" He said in a high pitched voice, well high for his standards. "But the more mistakes we make, the more we grow an learn. If we don't know all sides to life, how can we choose which one is best?"
I looked at him reluctantly. I guess he was right about that, but I was in to bad a mood to acknowledge it with other than my eyes. I could tell this man had a lot of experience in life. He smiled at me, and kept silent. We sat there for a while, and I wondered why he came out here. Maybe he came here to be alone too. His calming presence left me tired and empty after the wave of emotions had calmed.
"Thanks for the company. It calmed me." I said.
"You're most welcome." He replied as a got up and left.
The twins was still with Kakakshi when I entered our hut. They were laughing girlishly and had somehow moved even closer to him. I took a second to calm the irritation that rose in me again, and walked inside, falling down on my sleeping bag with a sigh.
"There you are, I was starting to get worried." Kakashi said, pushing the sisters aside for a moment.
"Please. I know you can feel my chakra from the distances I went." I snapped, hiding my head tired in my sleeping bag.
I didn't mean to snap at him, but I was tired and annoyed. Not a good combination.
"Girls, it's late. I think we'll be going to sleep now." Kakashi said.
I felt how the mood immediately was turned down a notch, and the sisters left quietly and understand. After a few moments of silence I sat up and took off my shirt and trousers (I was wearing warm, long underpants under my trousers!) while avoiding Kakashi's questioning gaze. My hair fell down on my shoulders and I could feel how stiff and dirty it was. Maybe I could be as lucky as to have a bath tomorrow.
Kakashi's POV
He watched while Toshi took off her clothes in the dim firelight. Even though he wanted to ask her what was wrong, he couldn't help but jut watch her move from across the fireplace. There was something elegant and mesmerizing about her. The way the orange light hit her skin, and the shadows that played across every muscle in her arms and shoulders. Something in him was afraid that she was being jealous of the twin girls. They did seem to have their attention quite locked on him. Jealousy was not a nice thing, even not if you were in love. Some people connected jealousy and love together but he knew better. Jealousy simply and only has something to do with one self and ones self esteem. If Toshi would be jealous of them it would not be because they were talking with him, but because she saw something in them that she didn't have and felt threatened. Of course Toshi didn't necessarily think as he did, but at least he would now himself.
"Are you okay?" He asked, uncertainly and afraid to pick up a clue of jealousy.
She sighed and crawled into her sleeping bag, meeting his eyes for the first time. There was something vulnerable about the look she gave him, and a slight panic rose in him. He could tell that she was considering telling him something personal. The boundaries he'd hoped for would slip away once again, but this time he was for some reason panicking about it. How could they keep a professional relationship if she was going to admit that she was being jealous?!
"Isao happened." She said it in a voice that sounded like she was confessing something humiliating. Kakashi's panic attack stopped dead and he frowned in confusion.
"He kissed me... And it was disgusting." She said, her eyes flickering embarrassed away.
Kakakshi was slightly thrown off. He'd been sitting there, having a minor panic attack for telling himself that she was being jealous, when she in fact wasn't.
"He kissed you? How's that even possible?" Kakashi forced his voice on control as he looked at her like she was kidding.
"Well... I did break his nose." She said, a grin playing on her lips.
Kakashi laughed sheepishly. Of course no man would go unharmed for such an action.
Toshi's POV
Kakashi looked absolutely confused. I hadn't expected that reaction from him, but then again I'd never told him a thing like this before.
"It's not funny." I muttered, boldly getting up and moving my sleeping bag to his side of the fire- "A nasty creep just stole my first kiss!"
"I didn't know something like that would mean anything to you." Kakashi said, his eyes glistening teasingly at me.
I threw my sleeping bag beside him and crawled into it. At the moment I didn't mind what he thought about it, I just didn't want to sleep so far away from him. Still, it was like we were both now very aware of our closeness after having been quite close the past few days. I laid down, with a pouty frown, not really knowing what to answer. It hadn't meant anything to me before I met him, I guess. Also, I think that every girl is quite aware of getting your first kiss taken away. It's like your innocence is just a tad more broken. I felt his eyes on me when I didn't answer, and he seemed to realize the seriousness of my broken pride.
"Don't take it too heavily. It's you who decide when your first kiss should be. If he just attacked you, it doesn't quite count as a kiss. It should be with someone you like, that counts." He said, starting to prepare for the night as well.
I guess he was right about that. The only problem was that the person I liked was him. The possibility of the two of us kissing was so far away that the thought hadn't ever crossed my mind. We could barely share a hug yet. I turned away from the fire with a disheartening sigh. It was so ridiculous to be in love with him. I refused to be another girl in line of his heart. The only thing I had with him was friendship.
"Maybe... Goodnight Kakashi." I answered.
He was silent for a moment. I could feel his eyes on my back. I wondered what he was thinking. It was probably only the surface of his thoughts I scratched when he spoke to me. He was so calculating, so intelligent, that I knew that I only heard a fourth of what was actually going on in his mind.
The mood was weird. A peaceful silence lingered between us. We were alone in this village. We had only each other in the middle of this snow land, under the vast, starry sky of this primitive hut. The feelings that dwelt in me made me enjoy this peacefulness even though we were both slightly confused at each other.
"Goodnight." He said at last, and I could hear him crawl into his sleeping bag.
I looked at the shadows dancing around on the wall. We were so far away from home.
Kakashi's POV
He put his hands under his head and looked into the ceiling while listening to the crackling fire beside him. The thought of a man kissing Toshi had thrown him off a little bit. He felt strange about it; slightly angry in fact. He couldn't think of any man ever capable of understanding and knowing her enough to deserve her as a girlfriend, and definitely not in the way that he knew her. He moved his hands restlessly away from under his head and looked to Toshi when she turned around, already asleep. His eyes marveled at her for a moment when he took in her peaceful expression. Every worry was gone from her features. Her lips pursed slightly in her sleep and her chest rose slowly. Her blonde hair fell all around her head and without thinking about it, his hand moved to remove a wild strand that fell over her nose. She stirred a bit as he realized what he was doing, and watched her scoot closer to the warmth of his body. He jolted as if he'd touched something that burned, his heart rate picking involuntary up.
He froze for a moment when she didn't budge any further and fought an internal battle with his heart rate and his blushing cheeks.
He hadn't had a reaction like that towards a woman since he could remember. He was always in control. No, he shouldn't be feeling this way. She was definitely starting to come to close to him, and he had no idea why. His eyes flickered away from her and he clutched the hand he'd removed her hair with, tightly. An urge to pull her close into him surfaced from a place which normally was shut, but the feeling kept pushing back at him.
He turned away from her with a grunt, utterly embarrassed of himself. He forced himself to do some mediation techniques to fall asleep, and it worked eventually.
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Toshi's POV
I was for once the first one to wake up the next morning. I tugged into my sleeping bag when the realization of how cold the hut had become during the night and the fire had died out. I looked to Kakashi to see him curled up in his sleeping bag, small puffs of air leaving his mouth every time he breathed out. Sighing at the sight of him, I sat up and rubbed my eyes listening to the silence outside. There was no doubt that the weather was bad, judging by the lack of noises. I looked to Kakashi one more time while I considered what to do. He deserved to sleep as long as he could. Having to put up with me for so many days must've been exhausting for him. Counting to five, I rushed up from my warm sleeping bag, immediately feeling the cold air hit my skin. I rushed through some clean clothes, not caring that I was messing up my backpack, and slipped into it like I was putting on wet clothes. The feeling of cold clothes was simply disgusting.
I met Mamuro, and two other guys in the main hut for breakfast. Despite the thought of my messy morning hair and sleepy eyes, the two young guys seemed to take an immediate interest in me. I hadn't been introduced yet, and as I ate some bread, one of them in particular shot me some curious glances. They were both true to the people that lived here, having brown eyes and brown hair. One of them was older than the other, and it was the older who seemed extra curious.
"Toshi, I don't think you've been introduced to my sons, Hayate-" he pointed to the oldest one-" and Aichi." The younger one smiled sheepishly.
"Nice to meet you Toshi." He said.
Aichi, was silent, though his interest had been obvious. I swallowed my suspicion and smiled to both of them.
"So where are you from?" Aichi asked, the innocence in his eyes showing his young age.
"Of course she's from Konoha you dumb-ass." Hayate gave him a smack across the neck and an immediate argument started between the two of them.
I'd stopped chewing on my bread as a looked at them dumb-founded. Mamuro was chuckling in an embarrassed way. I couldn't quite understand their behavior, but then again I really didn't have any clue about brother and sister relationships.
"She's a top trained ninja! Don't ask stupid questions." Hayate ended the discussion with a glare at his younger brother.
I could tell the admiration Hayate held for me, but he was being way to serious about me. I didn't feel any better then them.
"At least he said something, instead of just staring at me." I said teasingly while looking at Hayate who seemed to flush red in a slight embarrassment, but recovered quickly by apologizing in a gentleman fashion. Being treated with such respect made me feel silly, even though I held a straight face. Aichi chuckled at his brother, and the chuckle was completely ignored.
Hayate ended up asking me much about training and keeping in shape. He had a lot to share on how to hunt and fish, which he seemed eager to share, even though he was very composed and manly in spite of his approximate age.
"Well I think I'll go and check out the village." I said and got up.
"I'll show you around." Hayate exclaimed and got up without expecting an answer.
His height overwhelmed me. He was tall and broad over the shoulders like his father, except for the fact that he was in very good shape. He hadn't looked that high when he was sitting down, and I had to admit that he was quite handsome.
"You really don't have to do that." I said, feeling slightly embarrassed. Really I didn't know what to do with myself when he was being such a gentleman.
I quickly found out that there was much more to the village than just snow. Hayate took me to the healers, the stores and to different homes. He was being genuinely friendly, and it took a few hours for me to warm up to him. I had a bad habit of distrusting strangers, and apparently it was something I should get rid off, cause Hayate was being very respectful. Watching the twin girls the day before had learned me a good deal about smiling and appearing happy and I was shocked at how it affected Hayate in a way that made me feel welcome in his presence.
I didn't meet Kakashi before lunch time when the whole family was gathered in the main hut for meat and bread. Hayate was a great distraction from Kakashi and the apparent feelings I had for him, and on top of that, it was a nice feeling that I didn't have to walk around with him and the twins all day. I noticed his dumb-founded look when he followed a conversation between me and Hayate at lunch and it was nice for once, to feel independent. It was especially because it helped me to not feel so vulnerable and dependent on him. Even though we sat beside each other, we couldn't share much words as the twins were constantly demanding his attention while Hayate was a bit more relaxed with being silent beside me. I couldn't help but feeling that Kakashi was starting to get the slightest annoyed by their constant talking, and I think I was the only one who could read it in his face and behavior.
Even though Hayate was undeniably finding me interesting, I still couldn't deny the attraction I felt towards Kakashi on my other side.
"What've you been up to today?" Kakashi finally asked me, after an all to casual silence between us.
"Well-" I muttered with a mouth full of meat and swallowed before I continued-" Hayate have been showing me around the village all morning. There's actually quite many funny things I would like to buy home with me. Oh - they have a healing house as well, only for women though. It's an interesting village." I agreed with myself and sent him a quick smile.
He looked relaxed, his eyes fixated strongly on me as I spoke. I could barely stand to look at them for so long. It was like he was trying to read me like and open book.
"I'm glad you're making friends." He finished, his eyes showing a smile.
I would've blushed at the comment if it wasn't because I felt disappointed by his reaction. I'd maybe hoped to see a little bit insecurity in him, but as always he was indifferent.
"And what about Isao? Has he tried to kiss you again?" He asked, this time revealing the teasing in his voice.
I turned to him in shock, and immediately looked around the hut to see if anyone had heard him, including Isao who sat on the opposite side of the fire. I blush crept onto my face, as I sent him a silent glare.
"Shh! Don't speak so loudly! It's not funny!" I whispered, being forced to lean closed for him to hear. He kept looking at me in that teasing way though. We glared daggers for a minute before I forfeited and looked at my food again.
"We haven't run into each other yet!" I muttered darkly.
"Well, if you need any hel-" Kakashi was cut off by Hayate who hadn't noticed our secret conversation.
"Toshi! When we're finished eating I want to show you where the women carve totems in soapstone. Maybe they'll make one for you." He said enthusiastically.
"Sure. I would like that." I agreed with a smile and turned to Kakashi who looked a bit dumb-founded.
"Maybe you would like to have one too?" I asked Kakashi, who blinked at me before he answered.
"No thank you. I already have one." He said.
I should've guessed that he had one. This wasn't the first time he was in this village.
"Oh... Okay then." I shrugged, feeling slightly disappointed that he didn't want to come.
Hayate had me dragged to the totem hut where I was met by four elderly women, who seemed excited about seeing someone new. They had me basically questioned about different things, and felt around my hands, looked at my eyes, looked at my hair (much to Hayate's amusement). One of the women went outside to look at the position of the sun, and really there was a lot of fuss around the small hut.
"So could anyone tell me what a totem is?" I asked when the women was gathered around different maps.
"Hayate have you not told the girl?" One of the women commented. He shrugged shyly and smiled sheepishly.
Another women who seemed to be the head of the four stepped into character with a sigh.
" Animal totems play huge roles in our lives. They aid in self-discovery and capture our imagination, giving us incredible avenues of self-expression and awareness." she stopped and looked distantly ahead-"Why animals? Because animals are pure of consciousness. No ego, no ulterior motives. As pure creatures, they speak to us from a unified perspective. Their language is whole and untainted. As such, animals speak in a language that is inclusive. For example, birds speak the same tongue as the sky, the trees and leaves. Tigers purr in the same rich, luscious tones as the jungle hums. Fish babble to us the same as the brooks in which they swim." She placed an old map in front of me with a diagram on it.
"Each person can have nine animal essences or totems that walk through life with them, teaching and guiding them and in some cases, protecting them. These nine totems usually remain the same throughout your lifetime; however, major life alterations can cause some or all of your totems to change." She said and started explaining the map
"These totems are around your spirit: East, South, West, North, Above, Below and Within. The last two animals are walking beside you at all times; your Right Side (male) and your Left Side (feminine). While sometimes the living animal is around you, most often they are only the essence of the animal. At different times in your life, you may also have Special Helpers or Special Protectors. These stay with you for a limited period of time, depending on the challenges that you must face. They usually appear in person, in dreams or during meditation." She explained.
I was really trying to comprehend it all, and I wasn't even sure if I believed in it. I couldn't imaging I would be surprised if my strongest totem was a cat or a lion... I was definitely not expecting a surprise. Hayate and I went outside while the women elaborated.
"I'm looking forward to see what totem you have." He said, looking thoughtfully ahead. I couldn't help but notice the faint blush that colored his cheeks.
"Does it really mean that much?" I asked and crossed my arms, looking in the direction he was.
"Yes, it says much..." He answered simply.
"So... What's your totem?" I itched to hear what kind of animal he and his life resembled.
He looked at me, his eyes glistening hopefully at me and then changed as he got serious.
"Toshi. You must understand that there are three different types of animals souls: high protector animal souls, familiars, and all other animal souls." He looked away once again while he thought.
"There are only three high protectors: Dragon, Phoenix and Unicorn/Pegasus whose souls are interchangeable. These souls only incarnate when there is a living animal like them; if not, they stay in spirit form and usually the totems to people with older souls." His eyes flickered towards the hut.
"The familiars are animal souls that are connected through an energy link to only one person, usually someone who has psychic or magical abilities. There is nothing evil about them and they are not demons in way, shape or form. They are simply animal souls who have formed a bond with one person." He said.
I shock ran through me as a thought of Eien, and I caught my breath realizing that this situation was much more revealing than I'd thought.
"Familiars are hive souls - seven souls in total - with one or two souls incarnating while the rest stay in spirit form. They are usually of the cat and dog genus incl. tigers, wolves, etc. The familiars take turns incarnating, although one soul might have closer ties to their person and incarnate more often than the others. Familiars only incarnate to their soul person - when not incarnated, they stay in spirit form." He said.
I was automatically starting to draw lines between Eien and Gin-iro, the lion hybrid Kakashi and I had met in the forest. There was no doubt what my totem was, but I couldn't get myself to tell him.
"All other animals including dogs, cats and birds who are not familiars, are lower animal souls. They can move between species but stay on this planet, while high protectors and familiars stay with your soul in its various incarnations on different planets. Thereby said; the totem that is strongest with me, is a familiar, and the animal that reveal itself to the elders is probably a familiar too." He said and paused.
"About my totem; it's a bear." He said in all his seriousness.
I snickered instinctively and held a hand to my mouth, receiving scowl from him.
"A bear?" I asked like he was kidding. He went a few steps towards me in an attempt to explain.
"A bear is an honorable totem to posses! It's a symbol I call for when I need a steady hand, like when I go hunting! The Bear is also gifted with an enormous heart, and a penchant for generosity. Further, the Bear has a capacity for patience and temperance, which makes him an excellent teacher and mentor. The bear is a good balance for an owl..." He blushed again and stepped away, releasing the eye contact.
"However, one might not know that the Bear tends to be very modest, and a bit shy." I commented with a teasing smile. He opened his mouth to say something bit just blushed once again.
I kind if got the feeling that he was hoping that my strongest totem was an owl. For the first time in my life I didn't mind that someone had a small crush on me, I found it kind of amusing.
"Please come inside!" One of the women called, and for some reason my heart started pounding.
We both walked inside and a looked around the women to read their faces.
"Hold out your hand child." The eldest said and walked towards me.
I did as she said and the she put something small and smooth in my hands.
"This is currently your strongest totem." She said and stepped away so I could look at it.
Kind of expecting a cat, I felt like a jolt electricity had shot through me as I stared at a small figure of wolf.
"This must be a mistake." I muttered.
"No child, we never make mistakes." One answered.
I just stared at it in disbelief. I was so far away from a dog person that anyone cold ever be, so this being the must influential totem felt so wrong. To me the wolf represented ferocity, terror and being alone.
"You must understand child, that this totem is not representing you or your personality. At the moment the wolf is to strong for us to see your birth totem. But the wolf is guiding you much in these days and you should listen to it." Another women started speaking;
" The Wolf is a creature with a high sense of loyalty and strength. The Wolf is actually a social creature, friendly, and gregarious with its counterparts." The third woman started speaking.
"Totem wolf symbols belong to those who truly understand the depth of passion that belong to this noble creature. The Wolf is a representative of deep faith, and profound understanding. Further, the Wolf possess a high intellect."
By the mentioning of high intellect my thoughts immediately went to Kakashi, and I started wondering what his totem could be.
"The wolf is deeply emotional, and wholly Wolf understands that all we need is love, and is fully capable of providing it. He has a fierce independence and need his freedom. In a nurturing environment the Wolf is intensely passionate, generous, deeply affectionate, and gentle. Left to his own devices the Wolf can become impractical, recalcitrant, indifferent, and vindictive... As this is the totem strongly affecting you at the moment I recommend you think about the questions he asks you."
I was engrossed in the tale, thinking of how much Kakashi- the dog person- had influenced my life.
"What questions?" I asked confused and rolled the small figure in my hands.
The old lady shrugged and thought for a moment before she could answer.
"For example; are you a true friend? Are you being loyal to yourself? Are spending enough time with your family and friends?"
I looked down, considering the words. I could only guess that all those questions was someone Kakashi could ask me, or make me think about, if he hadn't already. Even though I felt skeptical about animal totems, I was also still intrigued and now itched to hear what Kakashi's totem was.
"Well... Thank you for this. I'll keep it safe." I said, not really knowing how to thank them properly.
Hayate didn't seem very excited either, and we walked around the village once again, he seemed to be lost in thought. I couldn't admit to him that I wanted to talk to Kakashi, but was instead on constant watch for him. After a visit by the sleigh dogs I had a moment where Hayate was still inside a hut. I ran into Isao, who seemed to have been waiting for some alone time with me, and he begged for forgiveness and he hoped it wouldn't affect our mission. As much as I wanted to kick him in the crotch once again, his sincerity made me shallow my pride and forgive him, in hopes that this would ease our mission. He offered to show me around the village but I managed somehow to turn him down nicely, just as Hayate came out of the hut.
It wasn't until dinner time, when the sky was turning dark, that I met Kakashi. The tiredness crept onto me as I'd swallowed two portions of food, and the warmth and cozy feel of the gathering didn't help much either. We had a meeting scheduled afterwards so I enjoyed the moment to fullest as I observed the others in conversation.
I could definitely imagine myself settling down with a family like this, though I think I would grow bored with the lack of opportunities the village could offer. I felt a twitch of envy towards Hayate and his siblings who had grown in this environment, and started to consider if I could be happy with Hayate. I felt I had a fair chance with him and wondered if he could ever spark the same feelings in me that Kakashi did. Hayate was open, easy to read, warm and joyful, not to mention very handsome. Even though my life as a Konoha ninja was just starting, I also felt the longing for finding some place to settle down and be accepted like I did here. It was the first time I'd ever felt the comfort of what a family resembled and I could easily get used to it.
"Toshi?"
I jerked at Kakashi's voice, immediately getting overrun by a feeling of betrayal towards him. When I looked at him, the thoughts I'd just had, felt like a far away dream.
"Yeah?" I asked, blinking a couple of times as I met his eyes. He chuckled at my expression.
"Did you find your totem?" He asked, his eyes glistening in the firelight.
"Yes." For a second a considered lying to him "it was a wolf." I admitted.
His eyes showed amusement for a moment as we shared the silence between us.
"That I didn't expect." He said.
"Me neither." I muttered and rubbed my face, trying to fight off the feelings that swelled up in me.
"What's yours?" I asked. The conversation was slow with a minimum of words used.
He started to rummage around his vest which lay behind him and pulled out a small figure. He handed it to me, and I looked at it in the light of the fireplace. I looked at small wolf figure, much similar to mine, except the stone was darker. I took mine out and placed it beside Kakashi's, feeling the smooth contour with my fingers. A feeling of disbelief and excitement rushed through me.
"That is so strange." I whispered.
"Strange if you believe in it." He said as a matter of fact.
He reached out for my hands and took my figure, weighing and studying it in his hand. For a moment I almost lost myself in his thoughtful expression while everyone around us talked. I could tell he was thinking a lot of things, but couldn't tell exactly what he was thinking about. Without moving, his eyes met mine in an instant.
"What are you thinking?" I managed to say, feeling like my mouth was suddenly dry.
He was silent for a minute, his eyes holding mine in an almost painful lock. Emotions ran through his eyes and was gone as quick as they came. He looked away, his expression taking on the slightly serious and bored feature again.
"I was just admiring the carving." He said and smiled half heartedly at me.
All the people and their voices in the room came back to me as I felt his rejection to share his actual thoughts with me. I straightened my back as we exchanged totems, and ended the conversation with a nod. I didn't really know what to say or how to act, although I wanted to shake him violently and tell him to spit it out. I'd become quite good at telling when he was lying.
Besides our weird moment, the dinner went nicely with warm laughs and cozy music from the twins.
It was not before I'd gotten really sleepy that Mamuro called us to a meeting and we had to leave the main hut. I could tell that Hayate wanted to come too, but sat in his place nicely, knowing that this wasn't his business. Kakashi, Isao and I followed Mamuro through a series of tubes before we entered something a cold only describe as the office hut. In the middle was a small table with maps and antique things, and around the walls hang pelts, ancient weapons and talismans. Books were stacked along the walls and on a small stack of pillows the old lady from the totem hut sat with a book.
"Guests, this is my mother." Mamuro said and went to sit on the floor behind his desk.
We all bowed to her respectfully, and went to sit around Mamuro's desk. I noticed a small collection of animal totems standing on his desk. A dolphin caught my eyes as the first and then a dragon. It was no wonder to me that Mamuro had a dragon totem, I mean, it represented strength, courage, and fortitude.
I directed my attention to Kakashi who sat closely beside me, and I was starting to get excited to hear what the mission was about.
"Well, let's just get started!" Mamuro clapped his hands and rolled out a map.
His mother chuckled hoarsely, her wrinkled face moving into a mischievous smile. Her nose was gnarled a big, and one could barely see her eyes for wrinkles.
"Where the edge of land ends and the fringe of vast oceans begins is a threshold of mammoth proportions. There some of the men has found a mysterious pond, humming with energy and ancient voices. To garner in-depth understanding of this pond, we needed someone to help us understand it's meaning and power." The old lady looked serious, almost painful as she told us this.
A chill ran through me and made the hair on arms stand up. I had no idea what kind this mission was about, but apparently it was a research mission.
"Obviously mother thinks that this pond has a spiritual significance to the environment and the animals here." Mamuro said folding his arms over his chest.
I felt skeptical about it, although Mamuro seemed to believe fully in his mother.
"Whales surround the pond which is locked in ice under the ocean. We've got to pay homage to their environment, the oceans of our planet. The whale is symbolic of the beginning, the creation of all life on earth as we know it and cosmic understanding. There for you must remember to understand and to be respectful when you journey to the pond." The old lady took out her book and started reading once again.
Mamuro cleared his throat and started showing us the route on the map. I was still slightly confused about what this mission was actually about, but was hoping I could get a better explanation from Kakashi.
Unfortunately, when the meeting was over and Kakashi and I withdrew to our hut, he couldn't clarify anything for me.
"I think I'm just as lost as you." He said while getting into his sleeping bag.
"Basically we just have to go an take a sample of that pond and that's it." I said scratching my back comfortably.
"Yeah, so far." He answered and lay down on his back, folding his arms under his head.
I was already in my sleeping bag, wondering and thinking out loud what this phenomenon could be. I turned to face him, propping my head up on my hand to have a better look at him. He looked at me from the corner is his eyes, a relaxed yet alert expression evident.
"It's just a bit far to come to make a little research, isn't it?" I asked, fighting the urge to move close to him.
"Maybe this intel will have an importance to Konoha and also the homage will know how trust worthy you are, by putting you on a mission this long lasting." Kakashi's eyes showed the slightest of teasing.
I pouted offended, and lay my head down on my arm, brushing some of my hair away as I thought. I looked at the contrast in the muscles of Kakashi's folded arms, which the firelight created, and admired him subtly while he looked at the ceiling. He was laying in a t-shirt, his spiky hair forced in a different direction than what it naturally did. It looked kind of cute I noted and met his eyes.
I fought off an instinctive way to look away immediately and held his gaze with a brave poker face. Even though his face was turned upwards it was still tilted slightly to my side. Immediately I wondered why he was looking at me with such a serious face, and finally stopped the eye contact when it got too intense. This seemed to snap him out of whatever thoughts he had, and he inhaled sharply and looked away again.
I looked at him suspiciously, wondering for a second if it was the real Kakashi who lay beside me.
"I've done good so far, haven't I?" I asked him.
"I'm not obligated to give such information." He answered, his old teasing expression coming back. I cocked an eyebrow at him;
"Sure." I answered sarcastically- " I don't care anyway." I said with a pout.
He chuckled lightly, closing his eyes tired.
"Goodnight Toshi." He said.
I yawned sleepily, pulling my sleeping bag more up to my shoulders.
"Goodnight." I sighed, giving in to black curtains.