"The most powerful symptom of love is a tenderness which becomes at times almost insupportable."
- Victor Hugo
Somewhere in Abbeville, the parish seat of Vermillion Parish, Louisiana, on one of their traditional, scorching hot summer days, a little blonde girl thought she had come home to a family that wanted her.
The man seemed nice. He was big and burly like Baloo from the Jungle Book but smiled like he was a clown. He picked her up immediately and pulled her into his arms. He smelled funny. She didn't know what it was but it stung her nose and even though she didn't really like it, she hugged him back.
The lady seemed nice too. She had long, beautiful chestnut hair and wore a dress that had butterflies on it. Emma liked butterflies. They were nice and flurry and could fly. She seemed like an angel who just dressed better.
The nice woman who brought her to this home looked at her and smiled. She felt really happy. Maybe she would have a mommy and a daddy now. She was handed to the lady with the butterfly dress and smelt dandelions. She liked that better. She held onto the butterfly lady's neck and held on to her.
"It's alright, little Emma," she said as she poked Emma's nose. "You belong with us now."
Emma never felt happier.
But that night, the big man, he came home and he seemed strange. Like he couldn't stand up properly. Emma wondered what was wrong with him but she just sat there on the carpet, playing with an old ragged doll they gave her, which she still loved because it was her first gift when his eyes fell on her.
Emma remembered something when she looked at him. She had been taken to an animal shelter once, to see dogs and cats and she even saw a bunny. But there was one dog. One dog that they kept away from the others. Emma was curious about him so she went closer. When the big dog saw her, he ran to the cage and began barking at her. Emma fell to the ground and began crying. The dog looked so wrong. So mean. Like something in him was rusty and it couldn't be polished to shine again.
That's what she thought when she saw this man. She wondered if maybe he just needed some water.
But then he pulled her by the scalp and even though she screamed and screamed about how much it hurt, he didn't stop until he'd tossed her into a cupboard. She hated that cupboard. She felt like the walls were closing in on her and the stench of mold and grime made her stomach churn. She banged on the door, over and over, saying how sorry she was and how good she would be if she were allowed to come out.
The door opened and she saw the butterfly lady. The angel lady. Emma couldn't help but smile. She would help her. The nice, pretty butterfly lady would-
She fell back into the cupboard. There was a sharp pain on her cheek and when she looked up, the butterfly lady had the same look that man had.
She snarled at her. "Keep your mouth shut or I'll shut it permanently for you."
Little Emma never cried again.
Emma's eyes snapped open to a dim ceiling, her mind half convinced that she was back in that cupboard.
Slowly, her eyes adjusted to the dark and she remembered where she was. Granny's Inn, her brain supplied, I've been here almost a week. I'm here for Mary Margaret's wedding.
This was her ritual when she woke up from the nightmares. Or more specifically, her suppressed memories. She would remember where she was, remind herself who she's become, how she was no longer in the foster system and how she'd never go back there again.
She tried to take a deep breath and calm her thundering heart.
"Fuck..." she swore silently as she swallowed, angry that the dreams had suddenly reappeared in her sleep. She hadn't had these episodes in years. And now they were suddenly back, complete in all its vivid details.
She went into her bag and pulled out a flask of whiskey that she carried around. Her recent job as a bounty hunter while not too rough, sometimes put her in situations where she couldn't take the crimes committed by her marks as she read through their files in all their full-blown, glorious facts.
So sometimes, she had to numb her senses to deal with it all.
The blonde sighed in satisfaction as the fire in her chest reactivated her senses a bit.
That's better, she thought as she took another swig and closed the flask.
With the slight buzz in her system, Emma began to wonder why the dreams came back.
It was that date with Regina, her tired mind growled at her under its slight influence, she did this to me. She had to be all charming and nice and just when I thought I was safe, she made me remember.
Emma began to slouch into the seat.
It's her fault, her eyes began to blur, it's all her fa...
Her world went black.
When Emma woke up, she found herself staring back up at the ceiling again. Except this time there was a blinding light that hurt her eyes, a quiet mumbling in the room and something wet and moist in on her forehead.
She was about to remove when she felt a hand press it back down.
"Keep it on, dear," she didn't know who it was but the kindness in her voice made her automatically listen as she put her hand back to the side.
"Is she waking up?" Another voice. A little boy's. She knew that voice but she just couldn't place it right now. Her head hurt too much but despite the crushing pressure she felt on her skull, that voice made her want to jump up and take the little boy in her arms and ease his troubles.
"Yes, she's waking up Henry," ah, that angelic voice again, she thought. So sweet, so low. She wanted to open her eyes and meet the owner of that voice but everything just felt too heavy.
"Is she going to be, okay?" The timid little voice again.
No, don't sound sad, Emma groaned to herself and immediately felt that hand gently adjust the wet cloth again. No, go to him, she tried to mumble, make him feel better.
She heard the smile in her angel's voice without even seeing her, "she'll be fine honey, she just has a really high fever."
"But you'll take care of her?"
Another voice, oh she knew that voice too but couldn't place it. "Your mom will do everything she can to make sure Emma feels better, love."
She felt the vibrations on the floor, of feet moving. There was a light shuffling until she heard that voice again.
"Exactly, I'll stay here to make sure she's taken care of and Ruby will take you home for now, okay?"
"But I want to help too!" The boy managed to enunciate his words clearly even in his distressed state. Emma thought in that exact moment, he sounded like her angel.
"And you will," the angel's calm voice filled the air again, "which is what you'll be doing by going home with Ruby to bring me some change of clothes and make some soup for Emma? You remember? I taught you how to make it a few months back after you felt better from a cold too."
There was a short silence in even then Emma could feel the pout jutting from his lip, "soup. Yes soup. I can make that."
"I'll help you too!" The woman, Ruby quickly interjected as if to say 'I'll make sure he doesn't burn down the house'.
"There, you see? I'm sure Emma would be so happy to have something that you made, I know I would," the cheeriness in her voice made Emma want to reach out to her and hold her.
Where is she, her clouded thoughts mumbled in her own mind as she fidgeted a little. Immediately that hand came back, gently stroking her hair in a soothing manner.
Hmmm, Emma calmed, my hand.
"And you'll make sure she feels better quickly?" The little boy asked timidly.
"I promise. On our tree, I promise."
Whatever that meant, it seemed to work. The boy immediately seemed to calm and then Emma heard something else. His little voice muttering something but she couldn't quite make it out.
Her angel didn't speak for a minute.
But then she said "okay, I will. Ruby can you take him home now?"
Then she heard feet moving, the weight of the room shifting around her until she finally heard the soft click of the door.
She moaned in panic. Was her angel gone? Did she leave her alone? No, she wanted her back. Get her back.
Come back, she thought weakly.
Regina turned from the door and saw Emma trembling under the covers. In three quick steps, she was by her side again. She pulled the towel off her hand and soaked it in the bowl of cool water Regina had placed on the side table and placed it back on her head again.
Emma's movements calmed and Regina felt a flood of relief.
She sat back, tying up her now lengthening black hair into a ponytail as she rolled up the sleeves of her black turtleneck sweater further up.
She watched Emma's features grimace in agony, her lips parted as she tried to suck in much needed air to recuperate her aching body as a thin layer of sweat formed along her upper lip.
Regina had driven by as promised to pick her up for their lunch date together with Henry. When she wasn't picking up, the darker woman asked Henry to go up to her room and check on her. Henry came back, looking dejected and sad, saying no one was answering. Regina felt her stomach churn. Something wasn't right. She'd called Ruby to come by with the set of spare keys to the rooms of Granny's Inn and waited in front of Emma's door with Henry shifting nervously on his feet, wondering why his mom looked so serious.
Ruby came along in less than fifteen minutes and opened the door.
As if she'd just stepped onto Alaskan grounds with nothing more than a t-shirt and jeans, her whole body went rigid to the sight she saw. Emma was sprawled across the ground, dressed in nothing but a thin sweat shirt and her favorite boxer shorts with batman symbols on it (a small part of Regina's mind had to say 'she still has those?'), her face pressed into the ground and on the table she was lying next to, sat a thin whiskey flask.
Regina decided she would ponder on why that flask is there later. She quickly rushed over to Emma and pulled the tall woman into her arms.
God, Regina could already feel her boiling body heat through her clothes, she's burning up.
Ruby, thanks heavens had taken Henry to the side and calmly asked him to stay put and despite his panicked state the boy listened and did as he was told. Ruby and Regina together, lifted the blonde and brought her back to bed. A few quick decisions later, Regina had calmed down enough to make sure she'd tested Emma's temperature, and pulled out some emergency medication she had in her bag and sat it aside to give to Emma once she was conscious enough to swallow.
She frowned to herself. Emma, despite her suicidal eating habits, often took care of herself well, rarely falling sick if at all. Of course, falling asleep in a state like Maine where there is almost always a cold chill in the air, on the floor, in nothing but skimpy clothes would have adhered to ensuring a cold but that damn flask. Regina's jaw hardened as she watched Emma sleep. Why was that bloody flask there? Emma didn't drink. She hated it. Always said it reminded her of how she grew up in the foster system. It'd taken Regina a few times to notice how Emma would tense a little very time she offered her wife a drink. She stopped altogether afterwards, pulling out the liquor only if Emma asked.
Emma moaned again. Regina's dark eyes snapped up to her and wondered what she needed when she heard Emma mumble something. Bright, green eyes opened slightly, flickering over the room like she was looking for something until they fell on Regina's.
The mayor saw the hand move underneath the blanket and quickly moved the covers, trying to make it easier for her sick ex-wife.
"Emma?" She whispered softly, "what is it sweetie?"
Emma's meek hand reached up and clumsily fell on Regina's own hand.
"D-don't…" Emma mumbled again. Regina sat up off her chair and lowered herself on the bed, struggling to hear. She leaned closer, cradling Emma's hand in hers when the blonde spoke again.
"Stay… okay? Stay…"
Regina's eyes shot up, her heart mercilessly being tugged towards the direction of the woman as if the chains that kept her tethered to the blonde that laid on the bed just yanked itself, reminding her how bound she was to this woman.
"I'm not going anywhere, I promise," she brought her lips close to Emma's sweating hand and gently kissed it. She heard a weak yet happy groan come from Emma's lips.
"Cause you won't… you won't let them…" Emma muttered, struggling to say her words.
Regina listened intently.
"You won't let them hurt me… you're…" Emma gripped onto her hand as hard as she could, "you're my… you're my angel, right?"
Regina fell into the ground beneath her. The earth swallowed her whole and spit her back up with a new realization and awareness as the blonde made her silent pleas. Regina's grasp strengthened, holding her hand like she'd done on that day she first held Henry in her arms. The day she knew she would never ever let anyone harm her child. Where she'd realized her heart could love so strongly with such devotion that it scared her a little.
"I won't let anyone hurt you," Regina said resolutely.
Emma's lips curled upwards, happily satisfied with what she'd heard and finally seemed to have dozed off.
Regina reached out her hand and softly caressed Emma's face. "I won't let anyone hurt you…."
When Emma woke up again, the sun had already set. It's soft red hues filled the room, marking the end of the day as Emma struggled to sit up. Slowly, she managed to pull up her aching body enough to be able to lean her back against the headboard when from the corner of her eyes, she saw a sleeping figure on the chair next to her.
Regina had dozed off on her chair, her elbow propped on the armrest as her head rested on the base of her palm. She'd felt the blonde shift in her bed and quickly roused herself from her light slumber.
"Hey," she muttered softly, her lips curving into a smile as she tried to shake herself out of the weariness she felt, "how're you feeling?"
Emma frowned at herself, slowly realizing how fatigued she felt, her muscles demanding attention to their ache as her head spun a little.
She groaned and pressed her forehead into her palm. "Like stampede just ran over my head…"
Regina smiled to herself, at least her sense of humor is back. The mayor reached over to the towel soaking in the bowl and gently squeezed the excess water out. She'd leaned over and was about to wipe the sweat away when Emma froze to her touch.
"I-I can do it myself," Emma muttered, too afraid to look at the hurt she knew would be in Regina's dark eyes.
The mayor slightly pulled back, her eyes narrowing a little until she spoke, "of course. Here you go."
She handed the towel to Emma and was aware of how careful the blonde was being to not touch her.
As Emma wiped the beads of sweat from her face and neck, Regina decided Emma was well enough to be answering some questions.
"What happened last night Emma?"
Emma turned to the mayor, her eyebrows furrowing under Regina's intense scrutiny as her hand stilled against her neck. "I, well we went out, and then we came home and-"
"I mean after," Regina interrupted as politely as she could. "I came by this morning to pick you up for lunch with Henry when we found you on the floor," Regina pulled out that thing she'd quickly pressed in between her jeans to hide from Henry's young eyes. "And I found this on the table."
Emma stared shamefully at the flask, the dream and everything else blasting themselves back into the forefront of her mind. She groaned at the rush of images, making her head throb even harder.
Regina leaned over and instinctively pressed her palm against Emma's forehead, ignoring the twitch she felt from the blonde. Now was not the time to be overly sensitive, she chastised herself. Emma can go back to being afraid of her once she was fully recovered.
"Your fever's gone down a tad," Regina stated, leaning back into her seat as she waited or Emma to continue.
But when the blonde chose not to speak, Regina tried again. "Emma… what happened?"
She saw Emma scowl under the dim light of the room, her entire body shifting away from Regina as she dropped the towel back in the bowl. "Does it matter?"
"Of course it does," Regina tried to get Emma's attention, "Emma, what would have happened if I hadn't come by? How sick would you have gotten? You know the weather here, you could have caught pneumonia or-"
"Right, I know alright? Stop criticizing me already."
Regina stared at her in confusion. "I'm not criticizing you…"
Emma heard the sincerity in Regina's voice, making her uncertainly look over at the dark woman sitting in her seat. She finally noticed the wrinkles in Regina's usually pristine clothes, the light dark circles in her eyes and the lines on her forehead. "Have you been with me all day?"
Regina's face turned, "yes…"
Emma brought her knees closer to her chest, lost on what to say and her emotions muddled over what happened the night before, including the dream she had earlier this morning and the nightingale angel that was nursing her.
"Thank you," she managed to whisper.
Regina's gaze softened, "you're welcome, dear."
Emma peeked at her through her golden hair and gave her a meek smile. "I just… I didn't sleep well last night is all…"
Regina knew that there was far more to it than that but she halted her own worries and fears, allowing Emma to move at her own pace. "Oh?"
"I had… a nightmare…" Emma mumbled, "it was something that happened to me when I was a kid… my first foster family… the Davidsons they were called… they just… weren't very nice people."
Regina felt the understatement of her words but chose not to comment on it. "I'm sorry that they weren't good to you," was all she could say.
Emma unconsciously shifted back closer to Regina. "They weren't the first… that… weren't good to me…"
Regina felt her heart leap at her throat. Emma had very rarely talked about her experience in the system and to hear it now, in a voice so timid and afraid from a woman she knew to be so strong and capable was gut wrenching.
"I mean they never… abused me in that way," Emma quickly clarified as if that was something she at least had to be thankful for, "but it still…" she shuddered as the onslaught of memories came back to her all of sudden. The first cane that hit her when she was eleven. The brick that was thrown at her back, which always made her left shoulder move a little differently to the right, when she was thirteen. The dog that was used to terrify her, barking viciously, its teeth bared at her so close to her face when she didn't do the dishes properly when she was fifteen. The last time a man hit her square across her cheek when she brought back the wrong pack of smokes. But she was only sixteen, who would sell her the right pack of cigs? She had to steal them when they weren't watching.
It wasn't her fault. It wasn't-
Her lungs constricted into themselves, her chest fell into her heart, and her head felt like it was going to pop off any second when a pair of arms suddenly enveloped her.
Apples, she thought meekly as she nuzzled into that familiar neck, her arms reaching up and gently squeezing at Regina's shirt.
"None of them are here now," Regina said softly. "And I promise you no one, no one will ever hurt you again. I swear it on my life."
Emma felt the weight of the words hit her hard. There was so much love and security from those words and the arms that held her close. She felt tears forming in the corner of her eyes.
"And… you won't either…?" She mumbled weakly. She felt Regina stiffen around her but Emma's hold on her was firm, afraid that her angel would move away all because she asked something very simple.
But Regina did pull away, with Emma's hand still clutched tightly onto her sweater. But as the dark woman leaned back, she brought up her hands and cradled Emma's face, gently brushing her thumbs against flush, creamy cheeks as she stared determinedly into soft, questioning emerald irises.
"NEVER."
That was all it took. The firmness in that one word. That resolution in those two syllables. The eyes of a lioness as she said it. The love she felt suddenly wrap around her like an invisible blanket when Regina made her promise and declaration all at once.
Slowly, Emma leaned forward and kissed her.
It's been one heck of a few days/weeks and I'm writing under the influence of exhaustion and supreme tiredness.
I hope I wrote this chapter well because this is where things really take a step forward.
I hope everyone's enjoying their weekends cause where I'm at it's raining cats and dogs (where the hell that phrase came from I'll never know) and so, it's just staying indoors, reading over SQ fics and fluffs and maybe have some more dreams about my beautiful Regina Mills because I've been dreaming about that character twice in a row now so hopefully she visits my subconscious soon :P
Happy Saturday everyone.
Cheers