As hard as I tried I couldn't fall asleep, my arms burned with remnants of the salt water while my mind raced with questions I wanted Axel to answer. The gauze was so awkward around my wrists and arm- not to mention the sensitivity of the wounds- that getting comfortable on Axel's bed just wasn't working, lying on my back with my arms just resting at my sides while I stared at the street light reflection on the ceiling I could hear Axel breathing in calmly.
Sitting up I looked around the room, not much was visible but I didn't want to sit and go to sleep- I was tired but that was probably just from the pain, "Axel?" I nudged him with my foot, he was laying on his stomach, the pillow bunched up in his arms to lift his head farther up off the bed, "Hmm?" he slid closer to the point where we were almost touching, "Are you sleeping?" "Almost… why?" he popped open an eye, almost all of his iris was invisible do to the darkness. "I don't know…" he mumbled back at me, "Go to sleep," "But I don't wanna," he hummed in question, "I'm not tired…" I quietly added, "Remember that when I wake you up in the morning," he said as he rubbed his eye and tilted himself so he could prop himself on his elbows. "So what do you wanna do?"
Axel turned his head and looked over at me, I noticed at some point he must have put his hair up because it wasn't all over the place like you would think. "I don't know… talk?" he nodded his head, even though there was a little light in the room and I kept my eyes open- Axel had shut his again even though he was facing me. "How often do you sleep Rox?" "Huh?" "How many hours did you sleep last night?" I thought for a moment, "I took a nap when I got home… a few hours…" "That's it?" when I nodded my head he asked how much sleep I got the night before last, "Um… I slept for a few hours," "How many's a few?" "From 7 almost 8 to 10… why're you asking about how much I sleep?"
"How long has this been going on?" his eyes were open but he wasn't looking at me like he was awake but rather like he was really tired or really serious, "Has what?" "You not getting sleep like you should," I felt weak lying on my back with my arms at my side like I was- but I couldn't really move and not hurt myself in the process, "Oh… I do get sleep… it's just- off and on…" "How long?" I thought back, sleep was always something that never really got along with me- I think the reason I slept at all was just because I was a lazy person (still am), "I don't know… a while… before school started," it was late October now, Halloween was becoming a pretty big deal like it usually was.
Axel rested his head in the crook of his arm, "That's not good Rox, you should get more sleep…" "I know," I said quickly as he groaned, I hated that he always had to play babysitter to me, "It's not like I'm staying up on purpose," I sat up, looking down at him, "I try to go to sleep, I just can't- it's not my fault," "Roxas," he groaned again, burying his face in the pillow before he looked up at me, "I wasn't blaming you," there was a silence, I could hear in his voice that he was tired and that I wasn't helping very much, "Go to sleep…" I mumbled to him as I tried to scoot off the bed, "Where're you going?" "I don't know, to sit on the floor- I don't want to keep you up."
I hadn't been able to move very far in that short amount of time- turns out it's kind of hard when your arms aren't on your side, I felt something wrap around the front of me before it pulled me back, "You're going to sleep too," Axel mumbled in my ear as I was pulled to lay back down. Trying to get his arm off of me he only shifted his body so he was laying on his side, his other arm folded to support his head, "Go to sleep Rox," he said after a yawn, I looked at him but his eyes were closed. Listening and feeling the rise and fall of his chest while his arm stayed on my waist I felt fat- Axel looked so skinny compared to me, like un-healthy skinny, obviously I wasn't suffering from some food shortage, I tipped my head to look down, his arm was flat on my stomach but I still felt fat.
Closing my eyes I used Axel's breathing as a sort of music and I don't know if I feel asleep because sometimes I would wake up and it'd feel like a second went by but it'd also feel like I just woke up. This continued and I closed my eyes once and opened to the sun lighting up the room, slipping free of Axel's hold- though I had used the hours of the night to take complete memory of it so it was now committed and if I wanted I could probably remember it whenever, I sat on the ground. Finding Axel's phone plugged in and sitting on the floor next to the bed I checked the time, it was almost 7- I was so used to waking up for school it seemed. Sitting cross legged on the floor- I wanted to cross my arms but the gauze got in the way, I waited for Axel to get up but he was out, having rolled over when I moved. Using my free time I went to the bathroom, as I was washing my hands I wondered if Axel would be pissed if I took the gauze off, or was it okay to do that now?
I peeled a piece of gauze that didn't have tape, trying to peak under but I didn't really see anything, I'd just leave it on for right yet. Once I got back into the room I covered my shoulders with my hoodie, not wanting to worry about the gauze in the sleeves but also cold out of the blanket and without Axel's heat. And soon I started humming to occupy myself, I was so bored and Axel wasn't waking up yet. Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz was the first song I hummed- I didn't know the lyrics past the chorus so that was repeated a bunch of times which then turned into I'm not Alright by Sanctus Real- it went from humming to quietly singing and then To Write Love On Her Arms by Helio- or was it Hawthorne Heights? One of the two…
Humming and singing was all the same to me and I only sang the lyrics I really wanted to, Last Night by Skillet and One Less Heart to Break by Patent Pending slipped in there too and I realized I was singing/humming very emotional songs about cutting and depressing stuff. Humming became the only thing I was going to do now, but that turned into just thinking- like I had been all night, "Was there a reason Axel didn't say anything about me liking him?" I would have to ask him when he got up, I found myself lying on the floor, I tipped my head so I could look at Axel and just like I thought he was sleeping still.
I waited, and waited, and waited for him to wake up, checking his phone again I found that it was a little past 9, if I listened closely I could hear someone walking around downstairs- probably Axel's foster mom, I knew he had a foster dad too but I never heard anything about him. I should ask about him when Axel wakes up, I slid my hoodie on completely, I wanted to hide how fucked up I was, standing up I went back into the bathroom, getting my hands wet with water so I could style my hair rather than making it look so messy and like I just woke up, I didn't really change it all that much but I felt better about it. The bruises on my face were disappearing slowly and were almost not there, other than that I looked like a normal kid, cliché blond hair and blue eyes with pale skin.
Walking back in Axel's room yet again I took the seat on the floor and waited, I knew the question I would ask him when he woke up, and as I started wording it in my head I noticed him move and his eyes were calmly open. "You awake?" "Yeah…" he said softly, I wanted to sit up but as soon as I realized Axel was awake all I wanted to do was sleep. "How long have you been up?" shrugging my shoulder I continued to stare at the ceiling, "I moved to the floor at 7…" he grabbed his phone and then lazily looked at it before setting it back down, "have you been up since then?" nodding my head I saw Axel close his eyes and roll on to his back.
"Axel… I gotta question…" "Ask away," "Why didn't you say anything… when… I told you… that… you know… I like you…" I mumbled the last part into my shirt as I sat up. "What'd you want me to say?" Axel seemed so relaxed and I was practically having a panic attack, "I don't know… something…" nothing was said so I kept talking, "Do you… I don't know… hate me now?" "Why would I hate you?" he picked his head up and looked at me, "You know I dated Sora," I mumbled under my breath, "But I'm not Sora…" "Rox…" he sat up on the bed, his pant legs had rolled up to his knees in his sleep to show his scrawny legs- reminding me just how inadequate I am.
"Do you know why I bothered with Sora?" he asked, looking at me, and I shook my head, "Because he looked like you," that surprised me, I blushed and looked down again, unable to look at him, "So… so- what's that… mean between us?" I asked nervously, trying not to stutter and stumble over my words, Axel ran a hand through his hair as he sighed, "It doesn't mean anything- we're friends," in other words- what he really meant, "I liked you, till I found out how fucked up you are," I kept my head down, not bothering to look up at him.
"Rox- we can't date," I understood he didn't want to date me, so I kept my head down. He let out another sigh and followed by a groan and he continued talking, "You aren't emotionally stable to be in any relationship Rox- it wouldn't be good for you and it wouldn't be good for the other person," so not only did Axel not want to be in a relationship with me but he also didn't think I should be in a relationship with anyone else. And that made perfect sense- I mean, I am a train wreck at every turn and there's no way I could ever be in an intimate relationship because my social phobia would get the better of me.
"What're you thinking?" he asked, I shook my head, "No, tell me- I can tell you're not happy," he paused but I said nothing, "What're you thinking?" I folded my knees up to my chest, my arms resting at my sides still, "I don't know… you're right," I admitted, "It's not like I can be in a relationship… a good one at least…" I mumbled another small part under my breath so Axel couldn't hear, "What did you say?" "Not a good one-," "After that," "Nothing…" I kept my head down, "Tell me Rox," "I said," I said clearly before mumbling the end, "I probably fuck that up too."
Axel let out a sigh, "It's not that I don't want to date you- I don't want to be the one to fuck it up Rox! I've never dated people I felt I had to watch out for," "You don't- I don't need a fucking babysitter," "That's not what I meant and you know it," he glared at me the one moment I decided to look up, I instantly looked back down, "Listen Rox… I'm not saying we can't ever be together but I'm not telling you we will… yes, I still want to date you," I looked up at him in shock, that's not what it sounded like he was saying a few seconds ago. "But I don't think… I don't know…" he paused for a second, "I don't want us to break apart because you're still confused," "I'm not confused…" "Rox," he looked at me, "You aren't in the best places mentally- that's what I mean, I can't even hug or touch you without you flinching away because of Xemnas. I don't want us to go jumping into things and have everything fuck up because it was too much too soon."
Wrapping my arms around my legs I ignored the pain in my healing cuts and looked ahead at the bed blankly before turning my head sideways and resting it on my knees, I was tired Axel didn't seem like he wanted to sleep. It was like he could read my mind, "Are you tired?" I hesitated before nodding my head, "How's your arms?" I shrugged my shoulders, "Do they hurt when you touch then?" I held out my arm, poking at the word I knew was written there, the pain was minimal compared to last night, "Not really… a little…" he nodded his head, swinging his feet back onto the bed, "What're you doing?" my voice was quiet.
"We're going back to bed," he waved his hand for me to come closer, hesitantly I stood up and went to the end of the bed, crawling to be back against the wall, when I laid down I laid on my stomach but I was quickly grabbed and pulled to be half under Axel and half held by him. "Let's just go back to sleep…" he said quietly, I never thought of myself wanting to e with someone, I never thought I'd actually want to have that kind of relationship. I mean- I always wanted to be close to someone because I never wanted them to leave… but I never thought about actually being with someone in any intimate way. And the sad part is- I want to be with Axel, which includes something of the intimate sort but I can't honestly think of ever being that close to someone… it just seems so awkward.
Before I knew it tears were dripping down the side of my face, I quickly brought a hand up to get rid of them, hating that I was crying but not being able to stop how I was thinking. Was I really this fucked up and only know realizing it? No one was going to even remotely want to be with me when they saw my scars- Axel was the only one I could think of that would, and yet I can't even be close to him without first flinching away. I'm terrified of being hurt because I've spent enough time with Xemnas to only think of the pain, I know Axel wouldn't hurt me but I can't control myself from feeling the fear- so there's no point in us even being in a relationship because we'd be just as we are- I hate how I can't control my emotions and my feelings. There's nowhere for me to go if this is how I am- there's nothing and I don't want to accept that.
It's my fault Axel and I can't be together and that's completely my fault, everything's my fault because I can't get anything together. Relationship aside- that's probably why my mother's never around, because she can't deal with me, and I don't blame her- I can't because I really am that pathetic. Axel's hand began rubbing my back but he didn't say anything, I'm so tired of fighting everyone, everything, and myself, but I don't know how to be any different.
He remained silent but continued to rub my back as I tried not to cry more than I already was, which got me nowhere but more tears. As I took in an unsteady breath, Axel shifted so his hand went underneath me, he pulled me around so my head rested under his chin and just continued to rub my back, I was so tired and so pissed at myself but it's like the more I tried to give in and sleep the harder it was.
Waking up when Axel began talking I found my head still tucked under his chin, he was whispering something to me- but it turns out I wasn't as awake as I thought so I quickly fell back asleep, hugging my arms that were crossed against my chest tighter to my body and enjoying Axel's warmth.
When I woke up for the final time I was on the bed, alone, I reached to feel the bed next to me to find it was still warm but still no Axel. I cuddled into the blankets and waited for Axel to get back, it felt like maybe half an hour when he finally walked through his bedroom door, "Hey Rox, how long you been up?" "Not too long," he nodded his head, setting the bag in his hand down on the floor next to the bed, "How you feeling?" he sat on the bed next to me, "Fine…" he nodded his head and grabbed the bag to pull out- of course- a gauze roll. "It'll probably be more comfortable than the gauze that's on right now," he motioned for me to sit up and take the gauze off, I wanted to roll my eyes but realized he'd already seen so there was nothing to hide.
"Ready?" nodding my head he began pulling off the gauze- some of the tape was cutting it close to the wounds but otherwise it didn't hurt too bad. The redness had gone down a bit but the actual scabs were almost not there, the scabs indented to curve into the cut and I wondered if that was how it was supposed to look- none of my scars ever looked like that. It looked like it was a fresh cut without the blood and a little healed up (obviously it was, so basically the whole thing minus the major infection from yesterday), but it didn't hurt as bad and neither did the ones on my wrists or on the back of my wrists.
"We should probably clean them before we wrap them," "You know… Axel… you don't have to do this, right?" "Huh?" "You don't have to constantly play doctor… you don't have to acknowledge them if you don't want to." He took a deep breath and easily ignored what I had said, "Maybe just some Neosporin will work," he was gone but right back in the room, he rubbed the jell onto the cuts and proceeded to wrap it up in the gauze. "Better?" I instantly nodded my head, it was a bunch better.
"I hate to say it… but do you have to go home soon?" he finally asked, I looked up at him then back down, "Probably… but hey- at least I won't die of infection," I smiled, hoping to making him at least smirk, but he barely even did that. "Let's get some food and then I'll walk you home," I put my hoodie back on, Axel said I could keep the shirt because he liked it on me, and we headed out and guess where we went. McDonald's- to by a greasy hamburger, large fries, and a soda- perfection.
We sat outside just like before and picked at the food, we talked about random things, but I was happy because Axel was smiling- and that was enough for me. "Alright… want me to walk you up?" shaking my head he nodded, "Okay, see you in school? Possibly tomorrow?" "Hopefully," I didn't specify, because hopefully he would see me one of the two upcoming days and that one day would be the start of many more. Axel gave me a hug before he began walking home and I began walking upstairs, I opened the door, hearing nothing inside I shut it and walk towards my room, it was almost 4 because that little nap too way longer than I thought but I enjoyed it.
Anyway, I walked in my room, and no sooner had I made it over to my window to see Axel walking away had my door shut, I turned around to find Xemnas standing in front of my door, "Where were you last night?" "At a friend's…" there was nowhere for me to go so there was no point in showing him I was afraid, "Hanging out with that boy?" "What's it matter?" "It matter's very fucking much because you're mine Roxas- not his." He moved closer to me and I was stuck between a wall, a bed, a window and a Xemnas.
Xemnas had an evil smirk on his face- one that said he had plans and my mother wasn't home, and I was going to be the weak defenseless creature that I was. The worst part in all this- it was prod daylight and this time- everything would be perfectly visible. He moved closer to me, my mind raced as I saw those handcuffs he had bought because they were quicker than the rope, my mind yelled, "No."
Ohmyfuck. I don't think I can do daily updates and school... but there's only 4 days :D so that's a good thing... kinda...
Anyway... do you guys like it when I reply to your reviews? I know I love getting them but I don't want to spam you guys if you don't want me to, because spamming... spamming I'm good at xD
Uploaded: May 28, 2013