Chapter 14 – Caught
Darkness. That's all you can see but you can see shades of brown and red too. You wonder what's happening. There's voices talking around you but they sound distant and muffled. You try twitching a muscle in your face but you feel too tired to even do that, you're actually really comfortable even though you don't know what's happening. Maybe you should just go back to sleep.
The voices are getting louder and clearer though. You kind of wish they'd be quiet. One's a man and one's a woman. They sound familiar.
"I don't know what's wrong, has she said anything to you? She seemed delirious or somethin' to me" says a deep voice.
You feel your brow crease in confusion, is that Sam?
"You know I can't talk about that Sam" comes a soft voice.
Brittany?
Why is Brittany here? Why are you here? Where are you?
"Please Brittany," comes Sam's voice and he sounds like he's pleading. "She comes home drunk, says we shouldn't get married then panics and faints-"
"She wasn't drunk" Brittany interjects.
"What?" Sam asks confused. "How would you know that?"
Oh shit. Everything suddenly comes flooding back to you and your senses begin reawakening. You precipitously remember being at the bar with Brittany, her being drunk, taking her home, being determined to tell Sam about everything once you got home. Things didn't quite work out that way. You remember the horrible sensation of panic before you blacked out; it was like you were drowning. You never want to feel that way again.
"Grrmph" Sam makes a grumbled noise like he's annoyed, "Sorry, my work keeps calling me, I think I may need to still go in today, they won't care if San's in hospital, as long as it ain't life or death they'll want me there. Excuse me, I need to call them" says Sam sounding annoyed and you hear movement and the drawing of curtains and the sound of his footsteps disappear after a few seconds.
You inhale a little and it smells like a hospital. God. You can't deal with any of this; you should just pretend you're sleeping till you actually fall back asleep.
"I know you're awake" comes Brittany's voice knowingly.
You stomach jolts back into action.
She's actually here.
You slowly open your eyes, the brightness of the lights above you beaming down and glaring into your vision. You blink a few times and take in your surrounding, your lying on a hospital bed, there's a blue curtain pulled around the bed so the rest of the room is out of sight. You can hear other people, visitors perhaps, talking and other people walking but you're alone with Brittany behind the privacy of the curtain.
You blink again and your vision becomes less blurry. You roll your head to the side and Brittany is there wearing a small empathetic smile on her face. She's donning light blue jeans and a white shirt, her wavy hair falling gracefully down her shoulders and her eyes are sparkling even if creased with the slight signs of tiredness and you lose your breath a little, she looks kind of angelic.
"Hi" you say feebly.
"Hi there" she smiles back looking reassured.
"How did you know?" you ask and feel a tired smile twitch the edge of your lips.
"I've been watching you sleep for hours and your breathing changed about 3 minutes ago," she says with a smile.
"Wait…hours?" you frown and sit up confused. "How long…I mean…what time is it?" you ask feeling groggy.
"Almost noon" Brittany says to you with a yawn.
"Oh" you breathe and slump your shoulders. "I don't know what happened," you mumble feeling ashamed, "I just collapsed"
"You had a panic attack," Brittany says tonelessly. "I think you were trying to tell Sam about us and…well…" she trails and looks at you awkwardly.
"Oh" you say again and the memory is coming back to you. "I said we couldn't get married and…wait noon? I'm supposed to be at work," you say looking around for something although you're not quite sure what.
"Santana, relax" Brittany says gently and places a warm palm on your forearm.
You blink down at her hand over your skin and you exhale feeling calmer with her touch. You stutter a little because her thumb is stroking over your arm and you've forgotten what you were going to say.
"The doctor came around and told me and Sam that he suspected you had a panic attack, said you were fine although your sugar levels are low and your blood pressure is high. You also took a little bump to the head but no major damage has been done, but just to be safe they want you to stay till tomorrow"
Brittany's hand suddenly snaps away from your arm when the curtains draw and Sam comes walking back in.
"Santana?" he breathes his eyes wide with relief and shock. "You're awake, how are you? Are you OK? Talk to me" he says, pulling a chair up to the opposite side of the bed from where Brittany's sitting.
"I'm fine Sam," you say weakly, giving him the best smile you can muster.
"Argh, I can't believe this but I've got to go into work babe" he says and pouts at you. "But screw it, I don't care if I get fired I'm staying" he says determined, running a hand through his blonde hair so it stays back. He looks just as tired as Brittany.
"Sam" you say to him seriously, "you're not losing your job just because I fainted, OK? Go. It's fine"
He looks guilty and worried and his dopey face turns to Brittany as if he wants her input, you're not looking at her so you don't know what her response is.
"OK" he grumbles, "but I'll come back to visit you straight after work, the doc said you'll be staying overnight. We need to talk," he says with a pointed look. "You just concentrate on getting better, OK?" he says and pats the back of your hand as he stands up and leans down planting a gentle kiss on your forehead.
Your eyes automatically flicker to the side to Brittany but she's already looking down at the floor like she can't look, that or there's suddenly something really interesting on the floor.
Sam kisses you on the cheek and gives you a 'I'm sorry' look before turning to Brittany. "Do me a favour, stay with her?" he asks with a piteous smile.
"Uh…yeah…sure" she says back awkwardly.
Fuck you can't take this anymore.
You wave at Sam and he waves back sadly before departing back through the curtains and you're left looking at Brittany. Her eyes filled with guilt and sadness and other things you can't decipher are just staring back at you like she doesn't know what to say. Which scares you because she always knows what to say.
You're beginning to feel sick. Kind of like the way you were last night. You sit forward and clutch your stomach.
"I can't do this," you say in a panicky haze.
Oh god it's happening again.
"I can't take this anymore, I need to tell him…I…I need to leave this place, I can't stay here. Take me away from here" you exclaim at Brittany like a desperate demand.
Suddenly her hand is in yours, she intertwines your fingers in hers and gives your palm a gentle clasp. "Hey," she says softly and her voice seems to float serenely to your ears and your stomach almost instantly stops spinning and you just look into her usual calm, ocean blue eyes. "Don't worry about anything, don't think about anything OK? If you don't want to be here that's fine, I'll make sure they let you out as soon as possible and in the meantime I'll be right here, OK? Everything will be fine, you don't have to do or say anything you don't want to as long as I'm here"
You gulp and just nod at her, the waves on the sea of panic in your stomach subsiding a little. You grip her hand really hard, it probably hurts but you can't help it. You're so glad she's here.
You both sit in silence for a while as she just traces her thumb over the back of your hand. You stare down at it feeling slightly tired again, she's calming you down and you don't even think she realizes she's doing it.
You panic a little when the curtains open again and you instantly let go of Brittany's hand as a nurse walks in and checks the board at the bottom of your bed.
"The patient, Miss Lopez, will be signing herself out of here soon, out of her own free will, just thought you should know" Brittany says to the nurse directly.
The nurse frowns at Brittany. "The doctor in charge of this ward specifically asked she stay in over night, to be on the safe side."
"That's no longer an option, Miss Lopez has mental health problems and staying in here is aggregating them and causing her distress"
The nurse seems to ignore Brittany and looks at you instead, rolling her eyes a little. "Look lady, I'm just doing my job, if you disagree you should take it up with the ward doctor but he's very busy at the moment"
Brittany interjects again. "If the patient wishes to leave then it's perfectly within her rights to sign herself out. The patient doesn't need a psyche evaluation, didn't try to take her own life and poses no threat to herself or others. She had a bad panic attack to which she now needs to recover, she is already receiving counseling and is currently on medication, there is no need for her to stay overnight for any reason – physically, mentally or otherwise"
You and the nurse both stare at Brittany.
You're kind of impressed.
"And who are you?" the nurse asks frowning.
"Sorry," Brittany smiles politely and bends down and begins rummaging around in her bag. She pulls out a card and hands it to the nurse. "Here's my details and my LPC, you can check my credentials and staff number online, I'm a licensed counselor, I work for the most part independently. Miss Lopez is my patient and I see no professional reasoning for her to stay when she specifically doesn't want to, you're just causing my patient more stress and if need be we'll sue"
The nurse just looks between you and Brittany pale-faced. She looks down at the card and waves it like she's going to check the validity of it. "Fine" she sighs in resignation though, like she already knows Brittany is legit "You can sign yourself out whenever you're ready miss Lopez" the nurse says to you, "I'll explain to the ward doctor later"
The nurse departs behind the curtains and leaves you and Brittany alone again.
You stare open-mouthed at her.
"OK, that was awesome" you find yourself smiling.
"I know" she smiles and shrugs her shoulder modestly.
You both laugh a little but soon you just go back to staring at each other silently. It's a nice quiet. Brittany just being here is reassuring you.
"You know it's Friday" Brittany says quietly to you as if this day is somehow significant.
You quirk an eyebrow at her, "And?"
"It's the last day of my vacation, I go back to work on Monday"
"Does this mean you'll counsel me again?" you ask, barely able to contain the relief from your voice.
"I don't know," Brittany sighs, "do you want me to?"
"Of course!" you say and smile at her. "You were right, talking to Emma about…well you…was a good idea but I miss you"
You take a sharp inhale because you just realized what you said.
"Santana, that's sweet" Brittany says, coyly looking down and fiddling with the edge of the bed covers. "But that can't be the reason I counsel you again"
"No, I know" you say quickly, "I miss you both as a person but also as my counselor, trust me" you say firmly.
Brittany's lips twitch into a smile and her eyes gaze at you for a second. "We'll see" she sighs. "Let's not think about it just now though, I'll leave you alone to get dressed. I'll take you home"
You take half an hour to get dressed into the same clothes you were wearing last night and you don't even want to look in a mirror right now, you probably look like a mess. Brittany walks you to the reception area and helps you sign a few forms, you honestly don't know what you'd do if she weren't here.
"I had to borrow my neighbours car," she tells you as you both leave the hospital, the fresh air hitting your face giving you a strange sense of relief. "I said it was an emergency"
"Sorry" you cower a little. "It wasn't really an emergency."
"You were in hospital, you blacked out, that's pretty serious to me" she says with a shrug as you reach a blue car you recognize as the one Brittany was fixing that day outside her garage.
You both get in the car and you buckle up. You just stare blankly at the dashboard feeling in some sort of trance, what are you supposed to do now?
"I will tell him you know" you say quietly and look over to Brittany who just licks her lips and nods her head in response. "I'll do it as soon as he comes home from work, I can't take feeling like this anymore" you say and you feel like crying.
You don't want to cry though; you hate crying, especially in front of her.
"OK" Brittany says simply, starting the engine and reversing out of the parking bay. "You should probably go home and get sleep though"
"I don't want to go home" you say sharply, "Not yet anyway, just…just take me somewhere, anywhere" you mumble feeling completely out of it.
You don't feel like talking, you don't feel like going home or staying where you are, you don't feel like eating or sleeping, you just don't feel like anything.
"I have an idea," Brittany says and you look to her to find she has a small comforting smile on her face even though her eyes are on the road ahead of her.
And then your heart beats and you feel it in your throat and you feel like crying again and curling up to her. Just when you don't feel anything she makes you feel something.
She reminds you you're still alive.
Brittany's been driving for a half hour and the tall buildings and roads now look familiar. This is pretty much the way to your work, and Brittany's work.
"You're taking me back to work?" you ask and laugh a little.
"No silly, I'm taking you for a nice walk in the park" she sighs happily.
You scoff and cross your arms. "I don't want to go to the park," you mumble.
"It'll make you feel better, trust me," she says.
You're mad because of course you trust her but a walk in the fucking park isn't going to change anything, it isn't going to change your situation, but ultimately you have nothing better to do so you bite your tongue.
Brittany stops off outside a few shops and unfastens her seatbelt.
"This isn't the park, where are you going?" you ask.
"To get you something, I'll be right back" she says with a wink and is already slamming the door shut.
You grumble and ignore the little flip your stomach does when she winked at you. Maybe you can cry while she's gone but then you're afraid you won't be able to stop so you dig your nails into the palm of your hand and you force yourself to just watch people who are walking by on the sidewalk.
A few minutes later she returns with a loaf of bread in one hand and an ice cream cone in the other hand.
You blink at her.
"Here," she smiles and hands you the cone, "It's chocolate chip mint flavour, mint is good for calming the stomach"
You take it off her and just stare between the green ice cream in your hand and her tentative blue eyes that are looking at you like you're about to explode. She almost looks afraid. You don't want her to be afraid of you. Ever.
"Thanks" you mumble and force a smile.
"You're welcome" she smiles looking a little relieved and she's already driving ahead toward the park.
Once you get there she parks at the sidewalk just outside and Brittany's already ran to the passenger side to open the door for you.
You roll your eyes humorously at her "I can open a door by myself" you say and give your ice cream a few more licks.
This is actually really good ice cream.
Brittany comes walking up to you, the bag of bread in one hand and she interlinks her other arm around yours and walks you into the park.
Your legs suddenly feel like jelly because you can't stop staring at her profile. She's so pretty. She just hooked her arm around yours and is now walking alongside you like it's the most natural thing in the world to her. Maybe it is?
You both walk around the gravel pathway for about 5 minutes in complete silence. Again it's a nice comfortable silence and you begin to feel something like happiness or relief simmer inside you. The sun is out but there's a chilly wind and it's calming you, Brittany is calming you. You feel a release wash over you as the wind streams through your hair and Brittany's grip on your arm gets just a little tighter and she's making you feel all funny and proud inside. You feel a certain kind of relief, the kind you get after having a good cry, except you haven't cried.
"This was a good idea," you say peacefully.
"Told you" Brittany simply smiles back.
You don't know why exactly but you're getting the feeling that she's not going to talk to you unless you start a conversation, as if to make you feel more comfortable. It's nice of her but you'd actually give anything just to sit and listen to her talk about anything in the world. You look down and Brittany's still swinging the bread in her other hand.
"OK, I've got to ask – what's the bread for?" you smirk and nudge your arm into her teasingly.
"The ducks duh" she giggles.
"Why do you like ducks so much?" you ask.
You want to ask her a bunch of silly shit because right now you'd give anything just to be silly with her and forget your problems.
"When I was growing up on my parents farm we had a pond out the back of our house, well actually it was more like a swamp, anyways there were always a few ducks there and they quacked every morning at exactly a quarter past seven. They always woke me up, they were like my personal duck alarm clock," she says with a bashful shrug.
You smile stupidly at her as you both walk into the main part of the park.
"If I ever need to wake you up I know what to do" you smirk.
She laughs softly and bumps the loaf of bread into your hip playfully. "C'mon" she says and nudges her chin toward a bench in front of the park pond. You think it's the very spot you first saw her when she was taking Lucy for a walk.
You both sit down and you give a large satisfying sigh. You still feel strangely relaxed, your problems seem a million miles away or at least somehow don't feel as relevant.
"Sorry I stalked you here" you utter out before you can stop yourself.
Brittany giggles like you're being silly and sighs. "I'm curious, why did you do that? You didn't know me"
"Dunno" you shrug and begin licking away at your now slightly melting ice cream to distract yourself. "I've never did anything like that before, I guess you just drew me in, fascinated me…you still do…"
You're way too fucking embarrassed to even look at her reaction to that but you hear her content little sigh like she's pleased with you and you internally fight a grin.
Another silence submerges you both and you just blink lazily, watching a few ducks patter by on the pond.
You look out across the park nothing but the sound of rustling leaves and the wind blowing around you. The distant noise of people and cars can be heard but everything and everyone else seems so far away, especially when you have this woman sitting next to you.
"Thanks" you say quietly, bringing the minty ice cream up to your mouth and licking away. The cooling sensation it creates in your stomach is extra comforting.
"I didn't do anything," Brittany says quietly, shifting on the bench beside you a little.
You turn around to correct her but your breath catches in your throat. Brittany's looking at you with a shy expression, her nose and cheeks are rosy red but those goddamn eyes are so blue today, more so than usual. She captures her lower lip and chews on it, looking at you apprehensively like you're about to blame her for all of this. She shouldn't feel guilty about any of this and you don't like that look on her pretty face.
"What's the matter?" she asks as a small smile curls up slowly on her lips, "the cold of the ice cream catch the back of your throat? I do that all the time and loose my breath," she says with a small giggle.
Your stomach flutters and you shake your head dumbly at her, "not the ice cream that made me lose my breath…just you…"
You quickly look away and feel your cheeks burn and your stomach spin. For once you'd like not to sound like an idiot around her. "Last night, why were you drinking?" you quickly ask, partly to divert attention from yourself and partly because you really want to know. "I mean, you seemed to want to get drunk…I never pegged you as a heavy drinker…"
You look back to her and she's looking at you pensively as she twiddles a golden lock of hair around her finger. "Uhm, I was just thinking about this whole situation," she says quietly, skewing her mouth to the side with unease.
"This is not your fault" you say resolutely, "I need you to know that"
Brittany gives a cynical laugh and rolls her eyes away from you and they land instead on the pond in front. "It's mostly my fault though" she sighs sadly watching a few ducks drift by. "I'm supposed to be going back to work on Monday yet I don't think I can"
"Why not?" you ask worried.
"Don't you think it's a little wrong of me to go back to doing what I do after what I've done to you and Sam?" she asks and she drops both her hands to her lap, looking at the ground. "I mean," she pauses and turns to face you and you see the guilt swirling around the features on her face. "I'm a relationship councilor, I've spent a few years dealing with peoples lives who have been ruined by the other person. You know, the person the partner cheats on. I've seen marriages of 40 years go down the proverbial toilet because someone just had to cheat, and now I am that other person. I don't even feel guilty, not really. That's the worst part. I feel guilty about advising people on relationships now because well, I've singlehandedly ruined one and I've crossed all sorts of lines to do so but I don't even feel remotely guilty about how my actions affect Sam. Yet there's you, so overwhelmed with guilt that you literally pass out? I feel like suddenly there's something wrong with me…I never used to be like this…"
"Britt" you say softly, shifting closer so your thighs are brushing against each other. "You're a really good person, in fact you're the nicest person I ever met but like you said you're human. You make mistakes, misjudgements, but it doesn't change the fact that you're a selfless, beautiful person and a goddamn good counselor. Please don't think that me or our situation has changed any of that"
She purses her lips and looks away like she's contemplating your words but there's still a frown on her face. You don't think she believes you.
"I think you have way too high expectations of yourself," you say boldly. "You know, actually making mistakes can be a good thing? They make you a better counselor and a better person I guess" you shrug. "As for not feeling guilty about Sam well…he's a stranger to you really, you don't know him and since you probably already knew there were problems in our relationship to begin with then maybe that's why?" you offer. You cringe a little; you're not good at giving advice.
She narrows her eyes at you and the smallest of smiles twitches at the edge of her lips. "Or maybe" she smiles a little, "I like you so much that I've blocked every other feeling out recently"
You give a wry laugh and nod slowly, "I know the feeling," you agree as you take a cold bite of your ice cream.
She sighs and her shoulders slump down along with her mood. She begins swinging her legs back and forth on the bench like a child. "I guess I'm just feeling guilty about advising people on sex and marriage and everything when I'm partly responsible for ending one myself"
"Not a fan of irony, huh?" you smirk and nudge your shoulder into hers playfully.
"You sassin' me Lopez?" she smirks back at you and leans in closer that there's a comforting warmth generating between your bodies.
You just stutter at her because your ability to speak seems to worsen the closer she gets to you, and sometimes she just leaves you tongue-tied by her words alone.
She smiles at you but it quickly dies and she clears her throat like she's about to ask you something serious. You swallow a cold piece of ice cream and your insides squirm a little when Brittany seems to physically watch it slide down your throat, like she's distracted.
"You're really going do this aren't you?" she asks like she can't quite believe it, her eyes still on your throat as you swallow.
You don't need to ask her to elaborate, you already know what she's talking about.
"Yes" you say shakily and nod. "Would be lying if I said I'm not scared or think I'm doing the wrong thing"
"Oh" Brittany breathes and you watch as a subtle disappointment sweeps over her blue eyes and it's that look you haven't seen in a while. You had forgotten how much you hated that look and how uncomfortable it made you feel.
You laugh a little nervously, "I don't mean like, being with you is a mistake, it's just, you have to understand I've been with Sam since I was a teenager, I don't know how to be without him frankly. He's kinda my best friend."
"Mhmm" Brittany hums in response, "taking a leap of faith is hard, especially when you're afraid of falling" she smiles astutely at you. "But do you really want to look back in 10 years time with nothing but regret and what ifs?"
"I know" you concede. "I have to end this, I know I do, I'm just scared and…uncertain about the future, I mean this pretty much affects everything in my life"
"To be honest, I'd say to you that if you feel anything for him whatsoever then you should stay with him and try work it out"
You freeze and look at her flabbergasted.
She laughs a little self-deprecatingly, "I mean that is to say…I mean obviously I'd rather you with were me but…I…" she mumbles and seems to be finding it hard to articulate what she means. You smile at the cute confused faces she's making.
"What I'm trying to say is," she smiles and rubs her chin self-consciously, "If you feel the unicorns in your stomach with him then you should try make things work with him" she says and pauses to give you a knowing smirk, "but I know you don't" she adds. "So uhm…instead…you should totally….uhm…move in with me instead" she says and slaps both her palms down on her thighs with a nervous laugh.
Your heart stops and you stare at her even more flabbergasted. She looks uncertain and shy and her eyes are darting everywhere like she can't look you in the eye, you've never seen her so unsettled.
Your throat feels dry, "I…I-uh…uhm…do you mean…are you asking me to move in with you?" you croak out, your stomach flipping with elation and unease.
Maybe you misunderstood her. The ice cream in your hand is now melting down the sides but nothing can distract you right now.
"Well it's just if you're going to break up with Sam, you'll need somewhere to stay right?" she inflects her voice upwards nervously. She's so cute; it's almost heart-wrenchingly cute how nervous she seems to be. "I mean I don't mean like move in move in with me if you know what I mean…" she trails.
"Yeah…uhm….no" you shake your head. She's lost you.
"I mean not that I'm opposed to the thought of you moving in with me," she says quickly as if trying to disperse any negative connotation you might have gotten from her previous statement. "It's just…you can move in with me…until you find a place of your own…only if you want to" she mumbles and gives a shrug.
There's a long silence and she's just swinging her legs restlessly back and forth and you're just watching her feet. You're sort of stunned. "Uh…" you begin, finally managing to find your voice, "I feel stupid because I've hardly thought about what comes after…well…everything" you hesitate, "I mean I figured I'd just go round to Quinn's and crash at hers, god I've never even lived on my own before, I've never really been single or…alone…" you mutter and you're starting to realize how non-independent you truly are.
"Oh" Brittany breathes and she seems disappointed.
"But I'd rather come to yours" you say quickly, your heart rattling around in trepidation.
Blue eyes snap up and meet yours and her entire face lights up as she breaks out into a toothy grin. "Really?" she breathes like she can't believe her luck.
"Uh…yeah" you say like it's obvious and you feel yourself grinning stupidly back at her. "Being with you, living with you? Seems almost too good to be true" you say but then roll your eyes at yourself feeling humiliated.
You're both plunged into another comfortable silence and Brittany just giggles shyly at you and looks away with red-tinged cheeks. Your stomach flutters in response and you need to look away from her just to gather your thoughts. You're moving in with Brittany, you're going to be with Brittany. Your insides are all over the place, the fear and sadness and sheer panic when you think about telling Sam later yet on the other hand this blonde ray of sunshine just makes it seem worth it. God, you're so fucking happy you actually feel like standing on the park bench and breaking into some sort of dance. Instead you lick up the ice cream that had trickled down the side of your hand and force yourself to change the topic before you explode with feelings.
"Britt, last night you said something," you say to her as your hearts still thumping around inside you.
She scrunches up her face and narrows her eyes looking culpable, "I remember most of last night" she says slowly "did I say something stupid?" she says with a pout.
Ugh. Cutie.
"Uh…no" you smile and tilt your head looking at her with affection. "I was talking about our first time and I said that I'd take you out on a date then we'd go back to yours and…well…it would be proper and romantic"
"And I said that sounded lame" she smiles and nods. "I still stand by that, dinner then bed with candles or anything like that isn't how I imagine our first time at all"
"But," you argue and you feel kind of annoyed at how much thought you've put into this and she seems nonchalant at best. "But it's supposed to be romantic" you say like that should be enough to convince her.
"Why? Who made up that rule that everyone's first time has to be some large romantic whirlwind? It's unrealistic, you've been watching too many movies Santana," she says as she opens up the bread, tears a piece in half and throws half of the chunk out at the pond.
You're distracted for a minute when ducks and some pigeons come swooping around, the ducks on the water fluttering their wings and shaking their heads as they fight over the piece of bread.
"The nature of our relationship hasn't been very romantic so far, I don't know why you're wanting us to be some sort of fantasy all of a sudden," she says as she decides to chew on the other half of the bread herself and look at you with a worried but determined expression.
"It's just…" you begin quietly and you can't even look at her, "how I feel about you is romantic so," you mumble and shrug feeling embarrassed yet again.
She smiles at you and her eyes look misty almost, brimming with adoration. You're breathless again. She shifts till she's right next to you, her crossed legs tilting into your body and she casually flings her arm over the back of the bench so it's draped around your neck.
She leans into you and whispers in your ear "you're so cute", she laughs softly afterwards and her breath tickles your ear and sends goosebumps down your neck. You grip the ice cream in your hand tighter and you feel your face burn red, you don't know what to say. Reality sinks in and you look around apprehensively, it's not that you don't like Brittany's arm around you, you just don't want anybody else to see. What if someone you know is here?
"Don't worry" she smiles, leaning back, her arm still around the back of your neck and she begins making little circles with her fingertip on your shoulder. "Nobody will see us, it's almost empty, besides if someone does see us they won't think too much of it or care"
"I'm sorry, I'm just not ready for that type of public announcement"
Brittany sighs and her arm is gone as she shifts away from you, you gaze at her with a sorrowful look. You miss her warmth already.
"I understand," she says quietly "and if you want our first time to be slow and romantic then that's more than OK with me" she smiles tranquilly at you. Her blue eyes flicker to the side and a smirk dances on her lips. "It'll just mean my rough, strap-on, taking you from behind till you can't feel your legs sex will have to come later," she says with a nonchalant shrug.
Fuck.
Your grip on your ice cream tightens further. The cone snaps and crumbles in your hand, the top half coming off entirely and falling to the ground with a splat.
"Crap" you hiss, moving your legs out of the way just in time.
Your stomach is already going crazy because Brittany's giggling at you but it's much more sly than usual.
She was kidding right?
Fuck.
"I just expected our first time to be passionate and more spontaneous I guess" she says still giggling and you feel embarrassment and excitement jolt around your insides.
Holy fuck, why is she always torturing you?
"Spontaneous" you mumble, the word throws you back to the day you met Brittany and Quinn said you should do something spontaneous like see a counselor.
This is all Quinn's fault.
"Spontaneous…how?" you ask. "Like middle of the park in the afternoon spontaneous?" you joke with a nervous laugh.
Brittany's eyes, flowing with mischief, seem to shift off to the side behind the bench you're both sitting on. You watch her dumbly then follow her line of sight; she seems to be looking toward the large shrubbery behind you both.
You look back at her and gasp a little when her eyes are back on you and darting to the shrub. "If you're feeling adventurous" she smirks.
You gape at her.
She's kidding right? You never know if she's kidding or not.
Change the subject. Quickly.
"See, this is why it's a bad idea for me to move in with you" you stutter out looking miserably down at the ice cream on the ground which now appears to be attracting ants. "For starters I'd make a mess, probably burn down your house or something," you say with a hollow laugh.
"You should probably stop being so easily distracted then," Brittany almost whispers to you with a cocky raised eyebrow.
You shake your head at her, "that's hard when you're around" you mutter with a smile.
Brittany makes a delightful little short giggle from the back of her throat then glides her hand along your thigh as she stands up. Your leg feels all tingly. You feel like spending so much time in her company is driving you insane and your heart is all over the place, but you don't want this feeling to stop. Ever. You just sit and smile as you watch the blonde kneel down at the edge of the pond and begin to feed the ducks more bread.
Damn her ass looks good in those jeans.
You roll your eyes and shake your head at your own thoughts. You get up and make your way to Brittany, you decide to sit down on the grass at the edge of the pond beside her, you hope she isn't mad with you, you're just not ready for public things, hell you're barely ready for private things.
You smile at her as she makes cute little kissing and cooing noises at the ducks and they all seem to swarm toward her like animals do to princesses in Disney movies. You don't blame them. She is a princess in your eyes anyway.
"Stop it" she says softly with a small smile and looks up away from the pond into your eyes.
"Stop what?" you squeak out, getting that familiar feeling she can see right through you.
"Looking at me like that" she giggles and your stomach is doing it's usual churning and flipping. "You're staring, you look like you're about to cry…all misty eyed…It's kinda cute" she smirks seeming amused.
"I…uh…" you stutter out, "sorry" you mumble, "I like watching you"
Your cheeks feel inflamed at this point because you're doing nothing but repeatedly talking crap and humiliating yourself around her. You don't quite know how she gets you to be so honest.
"Oh," she says like she just remembered something, "I've decided you're my new lucky charm" she says and looks at you expectantly like you're somehow supposed to know what the hell she's talking about.
"Huh?"
God, she's so adorable you're just going to melt into a puddle one of these days.
"You know," she gives a shrug and flashes you a confidant smile "you're my new lucky charm, things are going to be different from now on. I need you to come to Tennessee with me in 2 weeks, we'll probably stay at the Evans Ranch for a while but that's not why I want you to come with me"
"The ranch?" you gripe, feeling the familiar feeling of guilt and nausea now swirl unpleasantly around in your stomach. "Two weeks? Britt, by that time…Sam will know…his mom will probably know…I can't ever go back there…I don't wanna see the disappointment on their faces"
Brittany frowns at you and tilts her head sympathetically. "You're just going to never see them again? Santana, you can't run away from the fallout of this or your problems"
You gulp. You know she's right.
"Or have I taught you nothing?" she says with a brazen smirk.
You give a hollow laugh and clear your throat because you think you might cry but you're sick of crying in front of her, you're tired of being an emotional mess. "I just…" you begin quietly, your voice trembling, "they're protective over Sam, once they find out the reason for us splitting up they'll never forgive me…or you for that matter…" you mumble.
Brittany tosses another slice of bread out into the pond and sits back on the grass more comfortably. "They'll just have to deal with it," she says with a shrug.
"Not everything is as damn easy as you make out," you snap at her.
Her blue eyes flicker and look away from you nervously.
Fuck. You didn't mean to be hostile it's just…
"Sorry" you mumble almost immediately after, "It's just sometimes you make out everything will be fine and you just don't know that OK? You don't know the Evans either, they won't let us go back there"
"It's my property and who stays there is up to me" she says firmly, her jaw clenched a little. "Besides," she continues, "better to bite the bullet and face them sooner rather than later, even if you wish to never see them again afterwards. I need to go to Tennessee and I'm not going to stay at my own property and feel like I shouldn't be there, OK? And neither should you"
You find a smile tugging at your lips "wow, you're kind of hot when you're…firm…" you say before you can stop yourself.
She looks a little surprised and flattered by your comment and gives you a smug smirk.
"OK" you nod letting out a long exhale, "I can do this," you say unevenly.
"We can do this" Brittany corrects you with a smile.
"Right," you smile lazily back at her, your heart thrumming. "We can do this" you echo her words. "I don't understand though," you say slowly, "why do you need to go to Tennessee?"
"Thunder Valley" she says like that should be enough explanation.
You blink at her.
She rolls her eyes a little like she's mad you can't keep up with her, "Thunder Valley, it's a motocross track? I need to go and practice" she says excitedly, "I also need to gain weight," she mumbles like an afterthought.
"Uh…what?" you ask slowly.
You love when she's in her little cute world of her own but she needs to translate for those not in it, i.e you.
"I need to gain a little weight cause I'm not coming down fast enough" she says and chews the inside of her cheek.
"Britt" you sigh, trying hard to fight back a smile, "you're fucking adorable but you need to talk to me in English"
"Oh…uhm…sorry" she mumbles and she bows her head, a bashful smile upon her face. "I'm a motocross racer. I've already qualified for the AMA Amateur National Motocross Championship, I won my area championship and even won the regional championship but that was just to qualify for the biggest amateur motocross race in the world at Loretta Lynn Ranch, also in Tennessee" she says beaming and she's kind of shaking her legs with excitement and you think she can't get any cuter.
"That's…impressive," you say slowly. "So you want me to come with you why exactly?"
She stares at you as if it should be obvious. "Aren't you going to be my girlfriend soon?" she says cocking her head to the side.
Fuck.
"I…uh…" you stutter and suddenly you can't speak.
She grins at you like she enjoys watching you fumble over your own words. "Cause it will be fun" she says to you softly, saving you from answering, "Once the national championship comes around we can go to Loretta Lynn Ranch which is like a huge fancy getaway place with a pool and everything and we'll have so much fun and you can watch me race and be my lucky charm, OK?"
You damn yourself because your heart had just begun to settle down but now it's beating hard and thumping against your skin all over again. You look at her in awe. "That sounds amazing Britt," you say shyly, "anywhere with you is awesome but I'm glad you're actually letting me be involved in your…stuff…"
"Wellllll," she says slowly as a smirk tugs on her lips and you're distracted a little because she's ripping little strands of grass out from the ground. "This is kinda going to be my first serious relationship, I need to introduce you to my crazy side and hope you don't leave me"
You grin stupidly at her, "I'd never leave you," you say before you can stop yourself.
You really need to stop talking. You wonder if she'll ever stop making you feel like this, like your insides are made of wax and she's this giant hot flame that just seems to melt it all away so damn easily.
She looks at you and quickly looks back out to the pond giggling like a shy schoolgirl. Your heart and stomach flutters and you suddenly find it hard to breathe and swallow.
"You've never been in a serious relationship?" you stutter out, curious.
"Not really, but you've never really ever not been in a serious relationship, I don't see the difference. In fact maybe we should just pretend we're not serious for your sake, I think you being single would be good for you"
You stare at her, hardly believing what you're hearing.
"Of course" she says with a small smile, "you could be one of those single people who just like…sees a person exclusively for a while and still be single…uh…and do a bunch of non serious stuff like walks in the park and…uhm…lots of non serious sex, yeah just lots of sex" she smirks at you.
You smirk back at her and your eyes drop to her lips, you watch amused and excited as she does the same. You know what she's trying to say, she thinks as your counselor it would be good for you to take a break from relationships for a while, especially after coming out of a serious one and since you've never really been single in your entire adult life, but as Brittany she's telling you her feelings for you are serious. She's serious about you. Fuck.
You're serious about her too.
You love that about you and Brittany. Sometimes you're both on the same wavelength it's scary and other times you don't understand her at all which just makes her all the more fascinating to get to know.
You watch winded a little as her eyes seem to drop and roll down your body slowly. You can't stop smiling.
"So…uh…why the weight thing? Want me to buy you a bunch of chocolate bars?" you joke, needing to get rid of the tension suddenly in the air. It's a good tension, one you're used to but right now you can't deal with it. It's the same kind of tension that made you do something stupid, like kiss her, which incidentally turned out to be the smartest thing you ever did.
"See, when you're riding motocross bike," she says like she's preparing herself to talk in laymen's terms, you think it's so cute how passionate she is about this. "You're racing, right? Doing crazy flips in the air looks cool but it's no good for races, when I'm going over a bump in the dirt and I'm in the air? I need to get to the ground as quickly as possible to gain the speed I lost, to do that you need to press your bodyweight down on the bike and I think I'll do it quicker if I gain weight"
"You want to be fat?" you screw your face up at her.
She giggles and rolls her eyes playfully, "no silly, I need to gain muscle weight, preferably in my thighs and arms"
You blink at her again. "Uh…you're already pretty…uh…good in that department"
"I said I'd never go but I think I need to join a gym," she says, ignoring your comment.
You smirk at her, "we could do that together, and I've been meaning to get back to the gym. I used to go all the time"
"Oh? Why did you stop?" she asks and rests her head on the palm of her hand looking at you curiously.
"You're not my councilor today Britt" you say to her in a faux stern voice.
She smiles like she's glad you noticed her change in demeanour. "Well, whatever the reason you should go and we should go together, exercising is really good for depression, it releases the positive endorphins in your brain that depression suppresses and it also makes sure you're tired by the time you get home at night, ensuring a good nights sleep" she smiles.
You just smile at her; your face kind of hurts from smiling so much today. This morning and last night you felt like your life was fucking bleak at best, and even though there's lots you still fear, Brittany always manages to bring out the best in you, the positive side in you. She's making you look forward to things when it feels like it's been years since you truly did.
Brittany throws one last piece of bread out and stands up; you automatically stand up with her because you've just grown accustomed to following her lead.
"I should get you home, you need to rest" she says with a caring smile.
She comes over to you and hooks her arm back with yours and you both begin to walk slowly toward the park exit. You really don't want this day to end.
"Don't worry Santana" Brittany says and gives your bicep a gentle squeeze that leaves your arm feeling all funny. She leans into your side and whispers to you like you're the only person in the world. "I want us to be just like turtle doves"
You blink as Brittany lets go of your arm and makes her way toward the car.
You watch, lost in her wonder. You're not exactly sure what she meant by that but you're sure it's something pure and beautiful, just like she is.
It's not long until you arrive back at your apartment block, Brittany opens the car door for you again and you just shake your head at her as you step out. You both walk in silence toward the entrance, but it's not a comfortable silence this time, you're kind of feeling on edge.
You both walk up the stone steps to the entrance door and Brittany stops behind you so you turn around to look at her. You're nervous because you don't know what happens now, you want to invite her up but you're not sure that's a good idea.
"Soooo" she smiles and looks to the ground nodding a little at it.
You laugh softly, maybe she's nervous too, it's uncharacteristic of her though and you enjoy watching her out of her element.
"So" you repeat and your voice is shaking.
She makes you so damn nervous. You rub your now clammy palms down your side and sway on the spot restlessly. Your hearts in your throat and you stare at her lips, you really just want to kiss her, not only because kissing her is awesome but also because you can't really put itnto words how to thank her for today.
"I…I don't know what I would have done without you today" you breathe and take a step closer to her.
She mumbles something and shrugs like it was nothing.
You step closer to her again and now the tip of your boots are hitting hers and your breasts are pressing against hers too. She gasps a little like there's not enough air and her eyes lock on yours. Now you feel like you're drowning all over again but you like this drowning, there's nothing panicky and scary about it, it's just like your floating upwards towards a surface that's unknown.
You look nervously around, there's nobody on the sidewalk as far as you can see in both directions so you decide to do the bravest thing you think you've ever thought about doing.
"No seriously" you say breathlessly and lean in till your nose grazes her cheek and you watch stunned as she breathes heavily back and her eyelids flutter shut. You watch her, your face hovering by hers for a moment and you smile at how her eyes are shut in preparation and she moistens her lips with her tongue. You may disappoint her but you don't think you care, "thank you" you whisper against her skin as you lick your own lips and press them hotly against her cheek.
"Mhmm", a noise escapes from the back of your throat without really meaning to say anything as you press your lips against her soft skin just a little more firmly. You feel your lips tingle as you breathe deep through your nose and shudder a little, you smell her skin and taste a creamy texture on your lips, you think it's a moisturizing cream she uses or something and it's fucking intoxicating. You tear your lips away to press another quick kiss slightly higher than the one you just placed and force your self to step back from her and just stare.
She opens her eyes slowly and just blinks lazily at you. She's so cute you can't stand it so you just smile tranquilly at her. A smile tugs her lips too and her eyebrows rise like you impressed her.
Your hearts now pounding everywhere, you think you even feel it in a vein on your neck.
"You can come up if you want" you say quickly before you lose your damn nerve. "For coffee or something" you mumble.
You try your hardest not to roll your eyes at yourself.
Brittany's eyes cast downwards as she bounces a little uncertainly on her feet. "I dunno," she sighs and her eyes are back on yours, "you should get some rest, besides Sam will be coming back soon"
"Sam's not due home for another 2 hours…and I will rest…c-can you just stay with me on the couch or something till I fall asleep?" you ask lamely.
She tilts her head and shoots you a sympathetic smile like she can't possibly say no to you. "Fine" she caves.
You just don't want her to leave you today.
When you both enter your apartment she spins around walking into the living room and looks around the room.
"Nice place" she says.
You gulp and you're suddenly embarrassed about the mess like the bundle of clothes in the corner. You're also embarrassed about other things like pictures of you and Sam on the bookshelf.
"We can just sit and watch TV if you want?" you say awkwardly as you gesture to the couch.
She runs her tongue along her teeth looking in thought before nodding. You both take off your jackets and you go back through to the hall to hang them up. You exhale and will yourself to stop being a nervous wreck around her.
You walk back into the living room to see Brittany's already lazing back on the couch and watching an old black and white movie on a channel you never knew you had.
"You like old movies?" you ask as you sit down on the far end as far away from her as possible.
"Not particularly" she shrugs, "but I tend to find they help me sleep so…"
"Right," you say ineptly, "sleep…"
Sleep is the last thing on your mind when Brittany's here with you, looking cute as hell and being the most awesome person in your life. It's also the last thing on your mind when she keeps licking her lips and the top button on her shirt is undone so you can see how smooth and luscious her collarbone looks. Sometimes you think you just want to sink your teeth into her.
Brittany clears her throat and you snap out of it to gape at blue eyes looking back at you humorously. Her eyebrows are raised and she giggles. Your stomach flutters right on cue and you feel heat rise to your cheeks. She caught you staring.
"Aren't you coming closer?" she whispers and you have no idea why she's whispering but your heart just rattled and the back of your thighs feel like they are sweating. You can hear your heart pound in your ears as she moves her arm up and rests it on the back of the couch much like she did in the park. She looks to you then inclines her head to the space beside her. She's inviting you in.
You feel sick in the most wonderful way as you scoot closer and closer to her and you give a sigh in relief almost as you settle yourself into her side.
Your head perfectly fits onto her shoulder and you lean into her, your body buzzing like it's going into overcharge. You rest your hand down on her thigh and you feel the warmth of her burn through the material of her jeans and it makes your hand feel tingly.
You feel her hair tickle your side when she leans in, "is this ok?" she whispers, her hot breath melting into your ear.
You gulp and nod.
You can't fucking speak.
You sigh in relief a little as she turns back to the television and you both sit in an intense silence for a few minutes watching the movie. You actually feel your body heating up and the air in your lungs dampen. You just want to kiss and kiss her till you can't feel anything but her anymore. You don't know how to go about it though, is there a polite way of asking 'you wanna make out'?
Your head is burrowed down and resting on her shoulder and you can see down her shirt. You smile a little because she's wearing a white bra. You once again smell a nice creamy aroma emanating from her and you gape up at her and stare at her lips. They are so pink and soft looking, you want to kiss her.
"You smell nice" you say quietly, you feel her body tense a little as your own breath probably just travelled down her neck.
She makes a little sound from her throat and you feel it vibrate in her body. You love being this close to her. You're not sure what it was supposed to be but you suppress a chuckle because she doesn't comment further. Maybe she's finding it just as hard to concentrate as you are.
You need to make idle conversation, maybe that will help.
"So, uhm…what exactly is a sex therapist, what do you do?" you ask clearing your throat just to break a little of the tension.
Out of all the things you could've spoke about.
You fucking idiot.
"I give advice" she says with a shrug, "It's not as interesting as it sounds," Brittany says quietly and she captures her lower lip with her teeth and just looks down at you all breathless and almost doe eyed.
Holy crap.
You stare back up, completely lost in her eyes.
"Any funny stories?" you ask lamely to try make the atmosphere light but it's not working; the air between your bodies feels heavy.
"I'd never divulge what patients tell me," Brittany says, "but" she adds and her thin pink lips curl upwards into a devious smirk. "There is some…interesting…conclusions I've came to"
"Yeah? Like what?" you ask and you're speaking really lowly and quietly. You're afraid if you speak any louder you'll both just snap.
"Liiikkee" she drawls out and leans her forehead down onto yours, gazing into your eyes intensely. "Woman in same sex relationships tend to have the most satisfying sex life," she breathes down on your face.
"Oh" you say wordlessly back up at her, "w-why do…do…you think that is?" you stutter back, trying to prolong this ruse of a conversation.
"Number of reasons" she shrugs, her eyes dropping to your lips and darting back up to your eyes. "Men can't have multiple orgasms and sex tends to be a draining experience for them, unlike woman"
Your grip on her thigh just got a little tighter.
You're curious though.
"What do you mean?" you ask and your heads just lulled backwards staring up at her dreamily. You don't think you ever want to move from here, even if you do feel like your hearts about to burst out your body.
"Well when guys orgasm" she pauses and smirks at you a little, she's talking almost as softly as you are. "They y'know work it out till they reach their one climax, but reaching that one climax is like the physical equivalent of running a marathon. Imagine running then suddenly having to stop and catch your breath. That's why most guys tend to fall asleep straight after sex and tend to get very tired from it, in many sports for example they ban sex before big games or matches, it depletes their stamina" she smirks informatively at you.
"Women…are different?" you croak out.
"In a way, yes" she sighs quietly and she's looking down beyond your face toward your body, probably your boobs. You smirk a little. "In the sense that woman can have multiple orgasms and can last for sustained periods of time, one orgasm for example, even an intense one, wont tire us completely….so…" she trails and seems to lose her breath.
Her other hand comes up and she strokes her fingertips along your face and tucks your hair behind your ear. You shiver at her touch.
"So…" she repeats again like she's forgotten what she was about to tell you. "So…uh…two women can in general, more often than not, participate in hot…sweaty…love making," she breathes out heavily.
You gasp a little and hold your breath.
"Like uh…make love for hours and hours and…" she trails and just looks at you dumbly.
She's just gaping down at you.
Your heart is pounding away in your throat and between your legs.
You can't feel your fucking legs either.
She clears her throat as if to snap herself out of a trance. "Plus you have the points of having the same anatomy…women communicate better…plus it's not common for straight men to perform oral sex on their partners, which is sad"
You swallow thickly and before you can stop yourself you ask "what's it like?"
You lock eyes with her and hope you don't have to elaborate.
"It's one of my favourite things to do," she says almost shyly and you watch mesmerized as her cheeks turn a little red. "Oral sex feels amazing but to go down on another woman…there's nothing like it…"
"You never answered my question," you whisper, craning your neck so you're staring up at her, your face even closer.
"It's like" she pauses and leans down nudging her nose playfully into yours. Her eyes look up in thought and slowly drop back down to yours with a mischievous glint in them. "It's like dipping your tongue into a warm delicious pie," she pants against your lips, her eyelids fall shut and they vibrate a little like she's trying to remember a taste and sensation. "A pie that tastes so fucking good you want to lap away until you've consumed every last drop that's inside"
You whimper as your lips ghost against hers.
"I like pie" you blurt out and feel your face almost overheat with embarrassment.
You don't have time to linger on it as Brittany's lips press against yours and you whimper again against her mouth. You feel the blood drain from your face and all of it just seems to be rushing to pulsate between your legs instead.
She quickly leans back and cups your chin tilting you up and your heads literally in her palm. You're melting at her touch. Before you can ask what she's doing, you feel her hot breath on your neck and she dips her head down and drags her wet tongue slowly up your neck, then it's on your chin, then it's on your lips, then it slips into your mouth and she's swallowed the pathetic moans leaving your throat and consumed your mouth entirely with her own.
Your throat rattles as you make a sound you've never even made before but it's broken by Brittany's tongue that's dipping furiously in and around your mouth, swirling around your own tongue and you feel fucking dizzy. It's hot and messy and wet and you feel like you're going to faint.
"Santana?"
You frown and whimper a little as Brittany continues to lap away inside your mouth, her breath heavy and deep against your face.
If she didn't say your name and you didn't say it then…
You quickly jolt away from Brittany as fast as you can, your lips bursting apart and you look up gasping for air at a confused looking blonde.
Two actually.
One blonde is sitting frowning at you on the sofa and the other is standing at the hallway threshold, mouth agape and brow furrowed.
It's Sam. He's caught you.
No.
It wasn't supposed to happen like this.
This isn't happening.
You've been caught.