Taste the Rain
Chapter 13
"Nice to have someone around on a night like this, huh?"
I was reading The Hobbit, a book Bruce had recommended (jokingly because he said I reminded him of the dwarves), when I felt those large hands fall onto my shoulders. "Hey, Jay bird, it's a really nice day outside", his voice rumbled above me. Though his large form still filled me with a small amount of dread, he soothed me greatly in other ways, all of it evening out enough for me to continue reading, not even looking up at him.
"Mmm hmm."
"We should go outside."
"And do what?" I mumbled, eyes still fixed on Smog the dragon.
"Throw a football around or something." That got my attention. I looked up at him questioningly. "You wanna?" he asked hopefully.
"Umm, ok", I murmured, wondering if the Batman was actually asking me to play with him.
"Come on", Bruce beckoned, walking swiftly out. I put the book down and followed him, wondering what exactly he had in mind. By the time I made it outside into the bright sunshine, he was already passing a football back and forth between his large hands. When he noticed me, he gave it a toss in my direction. I snatched it out of the air. It was a nice football too.
My friends and I had played street football a little when I was younger, but the ball had been an old one of my buddy James and it fell apart after a couple games. I threw the football back to Bruce. "Come here", Bruce called, beckoning me over. I bounded through the grass to him, the sparkling sunshine already lifting my spirits considerably and making me feel lighter than air.
"Alright", Bruce said, kneeling down in front of me, "lets play some keep away. We'll call it training. See how long you can keep that ball and avoid me."
"Ok", I said tentatively. He gazed at me.
"Look, Jay, if you don't want to, we don't have to play."
"No", I said quickly, "it's just that…you really want to play…with me?"
"Yea", Bruce replied vigorously, "come on, it'll be fun. I'll give you a head start, go ahead." I looked back at him uncertainly for a moment and then took off at a run, going as fast as I could. In a minute, he was pursuing me, swift as a stag. I did my best to go faster, but he was gaining.
He reached out for me, but I used his arm as a springboard, leaping off and over him, going in the opposite direction. And he was after me again. All at once, those flashes started coming back, fueled by my adrenaline pumping and the stimulation of pursuit.
Chains jingling
Swaying in the breeze
Cutting
Tearing
Rubbing
Teeth sink into flesh
I looooooove you
Screaming
Mine
Mine
Mine
And then, it wasn't Bruce who was chasing me anymore. The sudden terror gave me a magnificent burst of speed, but he's still Batman and he can outrun any eleven year old alive. I couldn't outstrip him for more than a minute more before he had me, grabbing me tightly in his arms. I screamed and writhed, forgetting all my training in that single moment of sheer terror.
"Jason", Bruce said, concern blatant in his voice, "Jason, calm down, it's ok. I'm not gonna hurt you." He sat down in the grass and held onto me as he tried to calm me. "Jay, it's ok, you're ok." Gradually, my breathing slowed and I returned to the present, shaking violently in his arms. But, I was ok. I didn't have to be afraid. It was just Bruce; just Bruce and Bruce wouldn't hurt me.
Still panting heavily, I turned to him. "Sorry", I mumbled. He folded me into his embrace, pressing me to his chest as he stroked my hair.
"It's ok", he replied. He stroked my cheek with his thumb and said gently to me, "look Jason, if this is too much for you, it's ok. It's just a game, we don't have to play." Feeling guilty, as he had obviously taken time out of his day to hang out and do this with me, I shook my head.
"I'm fine", I replied, resolving to keep better control of myself.
"Are you sure?" Bruce asked, holding me up so he could look seriously at me. I nodded. He gazed into my eyes and then put me down. "Come on, lets go back inside."
"No", I said, hop skipping to keep up with him, "I'm fine, really I am. Lets keep playing."
"Jason, I don't want to frighten you." I looked him straight in the eye, standing strong with my fists doubled and my resolve hardening.
"You don't." Bruce gave a sigh.
"Ok." He picked up the ball from where I had dropped it and tossed it to me. "Go on, you can have your head start." This time, I took off immediately at top speed, surging away from him as fast as my legs could carry me. He was after me in a moment and gaining. All at once, the terror seized me again but this time, I refused to let it take me where it had before. I refused to allow it to grab me. I was its master, not the other way around.
It helped that when I glanced back at him, he was grinning at me. It was just Bruce, Bruce my mentor, who was playing with me. Then, it really hit me, Bruce was playing with me! An actual adult was playing with me! It was the kind of thing you saw in sappy movies that you didn't actually think happened, but you kinda wished it did all at the same time. I felt elation bubble up within me. This was a blast!
So, when Bruce caught me, as we both kind of knew he would, I didn't scream. I squealed and squirmed, but it was out of playfulness and not terror this time. Laughing, he tossed me up in the air and caught me. I wiggled away from him, remembering just in time to pull my blows because, after all, we were only playing. He caught me up again and rolled onto the ground. We were laughing so loudly, birds took flight from this trees nearby, which only made us laugh even louder.
Perched on his chest and unable to do anything more than pant, I clung to his shirt, which was drenched in sweat, and laid against him. The scent of his sweat was heavy and soothing. Bruce put his arms tightly around me, breathing heavily into my hair. "That was really fun", I giggled.
"Yea", he agreed, "Yea it was." He rubbed my back in smooth circles, quieting me and making me feel wonderfully comfortable and lovely on the inside. "Days are pretty short", Bruce murmured, "First snow's coming soon." I nodded, thinking of how nice it would be sleeping in a building when the ground froze, rather than under one. Perhaps he felt the involuntary shiver that went down my spine because his hand went up to the back of my neck, rubbing it gently with his large, warm fingers. Then, he sat up, still holding me.
"Jason", Bruce murmured softly, "I love you." I looked up at him, a torrent of emotions swirling within me. Love, that word, that horrible, selfish, bloodthirsty word.
Chains clinking
Nails digging
I looove you
Mine
"You…you do?" I murmured softly, trembling in his arms. He looked down at me and put a hand beneath me to collect me closer.
"Yes", he breathed, "yes, I do." He kissed my forehead. "You mean so much to me, more than I ever thought you would. You've surprised me Jason, in how much you've got me wrapped around your finger. I never thought there'd be another kid that would grab me like Dick, but you have." Now, I was confused. The way he was talking, it didn't sound like love at all, or at least, not the love I knew and had experienced, a selfish, vicious, painful creature.
Then, somewhere deep in my soul, something stirred, a need I had pushed down so far in my being, I almost hadn't realized it existed anymore. There was this feeling which began to bubble up now that it had been accessed, a desperate need for affection, to be cuddled and held and appreciated. I wanted someone to have pride in me and protect me; someone to stroke my hair and adore me. These feelings had never had a name before, yet it seemed he called them love.
Having been starved of them for so long, I hadn't even known it was possible to have such things. But, what he was saying, the way he acted and treated me, the way he looked at me and touched me; it was like I had wanted before, back when I had been a small child, innocent and just out looking for affection. It felt so strange.
But, before I could fully comprehend whither or not what he had said to me was in line with my feelings, he got up, putting me down beside him. "Come on Jay, lets go inside. It's getting cold." He gave me a hand up and put an arm around my shoulders as we walked inside.
jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjj
The next day, the first snow of winter fell, soft and powdery all over the yard. Bruce took the day off and we spent all of it romping outside until we were exhausted. I had never just gone out and played in the snow, but it was great. We built forts and threw snowballs and rolled and wrestled like we were little kids.
Panting and shivering, we finally came inside, where Alfred had warm drinks ready. By evening, Bruce was wrapped up in his soft robe, reading crime reports in front of a roaring living room fire. I sat on a window seat on the second floor, watching the snow fall with my chin on my hands. Shivering involuntarily, I thought of my hovel beneath the old theater and how cold it must have been right now. It made me feel so glad to be here, safe and warm.
But, something in me couldn't quite grasp that I wouldn't be out in the snow tonight. What did I need to convince myself that this was all real? Bruce. The answer came almost immediately, I wanted Bruce. I wanted to be cuddled for a little while by Bruce. I had never held such a desire in my entire life, or at least not since I had been a baby. I wanted to be snuggled warm in his arms where I could listen to his heartbeat and be quietly loved. That was the word he had used for what I wanted; love, a word that, to him, meant so much more than it did to me. It seemed that our conversation from the previous day had stirred up all these strange feelings in me.
Before I could change my mind, I walked down the stairs, creeping into the living room. The fire danced and crackled, sending strange light patterns all over the walls and roof. It made me feel cozy. Bruce was reading; he hadn't even noticed me. I debated for a moment how I might go about doing what I wanted to do. Shifting my weight from one frozen foot to another, I finally decided on the most direct approach. I would simply go to him and climb up on his lap.
Then, a dreadful thought came over me, sending it's icy fingers down my spine. What if he didn't want me there? What if he hadn't meant what he said? What if it was all just words and he didn't really feel the way about me I so desperately wished he would? I stood in the darkness for what seemed like an eternity, trembling and feeling waves of unworthiness wash over me. Who was I to deserve such attentions? I was a useless street kid. And yet… and yet he had seemed so sincere.
Finally tired of fighting with myself, I resolved to take the plunge. I would establish right now how our future relationship would go. I could not be unsure; it simply wouldn't work. In order to thrive in an environment, I needed to know the rules.
When I walked up to him, he didn't even look up, though I was sure he knew I was there. He knew it was me though and, therefore, didn't feel the need to ascertain my purpose right away. Before I could change my mind, I put my hands on his knees and hoisted myself up into his lap. He surprised me by putting a hand on my backside to help me up, moving his arms so I had room. "Hey blue jay", he murmured warmly, acknowledging me in the most inviting way he could.
I felt waves of relief crash over me. He wasn't angry that I was here. He didn't even sound annoyed. I curled up on his lap like a puppy, trying to make myself comfortable without upsetting him too much. I needn't have bothered however; he was more than accommodating. As soon as I had settled, he put his arms around me, holding his papers out so he could read while simultaneously rubbing my back in a soothing rhythm, coaxing me into slumber.
I blinked sleepily, gazing at the fire and pressing my head to his chest so I could hear his heartbeat and feel his smooth breathing. "Glad you're not outside tonight Jay bird?" he asked me gently. I nodded, curling into him closer. He grabbed a blanket from the pile by the chair that Alfred had left and wrapped it around me. "There you go", he murmured, "all comfy?" I nodded again. "Nice to have someone around on a night like this, huh?"
Another nod and I rolled over a little like a kitten, gazing up at him with sleep in my eyes. He grinned and put a hand on my chest, rubbing it gently. "You're such a good boy Jason; I'm so glad you're here. I love you so much." And suddenly, I felt something inside me that hadn't been there before. I felt this tiny feeling of worth, like I really had value, that I was important, at least to one person.
And maybe, maybe I wasn't all that important, maybe I wasn't worth all that much, but I was worth something. I wasn't just street trash, I was something. This feeling was so wonderful, so filling, I couldn't imagine how I had ever lived without it. "So", I said, eagerly, hopefully, "Since you love me perhaps…perhaps I might sit on your lap sometimes?" Immediately, I flushed when I asked the question, since it sounded so childish and weak coming out of my mouth, but he just smiled warmly at me.
"Whenever you want", he murmured. He stood up, cradling me in his strong, wonderful arms. "Why don't I take you up to bed? I know I'm ready to go." I nodded, put my head down on his chest and closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of his body shifting and rocking as he carried me up the stairs and pulled back my sheets.
Giving me one final, affectionate squeeze, he put me down on the bed and tucked me in. "Well, goodnight short stuff. See you in the morning." I nodded and shifted, rolled over in my bed, and closed my eyes. He kissed me gently on the top of my head and walked out. I still didn't know quite what he meant by all this love business, but so far, it looked pretty good to me.