Today's song: "Summer sunshine" by the Corrs. See the video, you'll know why. Summer sunshine
Matsumoto was unhappy. Well, it was guilty unhappiness, the type that was usually evaporated after a kiss for good morning and a large mug of hot chocolate, but still, it considerably lessened her joy when she woke up in the morning after the house party.
Hitsugaya wasn't there. They'd spent a good deal of their time kissing on the couch, but then he'd apologized for not being able to stay. "Hinamori's developed a nasty habit to call me early in the morning to check on me."
"We shouldn't convoke her fury then." She smiled softly
"I'll come back tomorrow." He whispered against her lips
"I know." She mumbled back.
Everyone's changing, I stay the same
I'm... a solo cello outside a chorus
I've got a secret,
It's time for me to tell that you've been keeping me warm
As she moved around the kitchen and prepared breakfast for herself, Rangiku thought carefully about the way she should go about this. There was obviously no way to avoid this, so she had to be open from the beginning and get all the skeletons out of her closet…and his, hopefully. If they were still on friendly terms, then maybe things could go well.
She looked at the phone-there were a couple of messages from Nanao, stating that she had decided to dedicate her Sunday on working out and begged her not to call. The tone of her friend's voice would've usually urged Rangiku to call and find out what the problem was, but now the blond was too busy thinking about her own problems to wonder why she sounded so miserable. Turning the phone off, Matsumoto went to the task of cleaning any possible mess in her apartment, and then sat down to wait.
It didn't take long. The bell rang as soon as the clock struck nine, and she couldn't help but giggle at his appearance when she opened the door. His hair was disheveled, and his clothes had wrinkles on them. He looked like he'd been pacing around the parking, waiting for an appropriate time to call.
"You should've come up immediately." She smiled as she led him in "I've been up for a while now."
"I know…" he said, a little confused "But I thought that…I shouldn't wake you up…"
"Even if you had, I wouldn't have been mad at you." Rangiku said "Toushiro-kun, I…"
He silenced her with a kiss. A sweet, swearing kiss that quickly blew all coherent thought out of her head. Any suspicion that Hinamori had been an excuse to get away from her vanished when he lead her gently away from the door and into the apartment. She remembered when she swore never to let a man touch her without knowing what she was getting into…and now she was letting him. But confusion and worry had no place with them for now-he made them vanish away as easily as he had with her doubts.
Just sweet beginnings and bitter endings
In coffee city, we borrowed heaven
Don't give it back, I've never felt so wanted
Are you taking me home?
Needless to say that any talking was done until later that day. They were laying in her bed, the sheets wrapped around them like improvised robes. Rangiku ran her fingers through his snowy hair as his head rested in her lap, and she let a small smile cross her face when she noticed how ticklish he was on the neck. However, she still needed to tell him something…and she was still gathering up her courage to do so…
You tell me you have to go...
"Are you alright?" he opened his eyes and looked straight into hers. Stupid question, of course she wasn't. That look on her face told it all "Was it…bad?"
"Huh? No! No, of course not! I just…ugh…" Get it over with, she urged herself, spill it out while you can still form complete sentences. "I have a confession to make!"
"Oh?" Finally, he realized that maybe it'd be easier for her to talk if they were in a different position. Hitsugaya sat up, but stayed close enough to her and brushed away some strawberry blond hair from her face. "What is it?"
"I…well, the first time we went out…No, I better start this off properly…" she took a deep breath, before she began "When I met you, I thought that it would be great to get to know you. You struck me as a very…reserved person, and I wanted to make you open up a little, because, honestly, I thought it was a shame to hide such a great personality. So, if you ask me when I came to love you, I'll say that it came later…but that doesn't mean that I don't. I truly care for you, but…for a few reasons, I wanted to keep this from happening…so that I wouldn't hurt you."
The look on his face told her that he obviously didn't see why she should think like that. But he didn't say anything-he just nodded at her to continue.
"You see, when I met you, I was still recovering from…from Ichimaru Gin's disappearance. You might have heard rumors that we were lovers…which are true…Although we agreed that there wasn't anything between us, it still left me devastated. And I thought that I better leave it off for a while…least I hurt someone involuntarily. But then…I saw you talking to that guy, in the café, back on the science fair, and I wanted to know more…."
"Your…curiosity issue?" Hitsugaya murmured "Nanao-san mentioned something about that."
"I suppose she tried to warn you." Rangiku laughed "She's such a good friend."
"She told me you were like a dog with a bone when it came to a mystery." He let a small smile slip him "So I suppose that you already know all about it?"
"Not exactly. I did some searching and found out who the guy was…and who the girl was too. But I don't know the particulars, I only thought that you and Kurosaki-san have been close and then broke up." She swallowed "Hitsugaya-kun, I really am sorry. I realize that this was most certainly none of my business, and that I should've just let it be, but you looked so devastated…I know that doesn't excuse me, right? We all have our curses to bear, and I was certainly not sharing mine with you…But when I saw that look on your face, I thought that I've never seen anyone so unhappy before in my life. I thought that it wasn't fair, for you to live with such a burden without getting it off your shoulders…I knew that you wouldn't approve of me sticking my nose into your affairs, so I didn't tell you earlier…but now that we're…together, like this…I think that you should know it all…and I hope that we can still go on."
Now that you've left me, there's no returning
I keep comparing, you're always winning
I try to be strong but you'll never be more wanted
Will you make me at home?
She breathed-there, it was said. The bomb was dropped ,or whatever they said. She was ready to face the music. Now it was up to him.
His head had dropped, and his hair was falling in his face, hiding his expression from her. Clinging on the sheets around her, Rangiku wondered how long it would take him to get up and leave her alone, when he suddenly looked up and smiled:
"Silly. I should be the one apologizing."
Don't tell me you have to go...
Rangiku's eyes gained the size of dinner plates when he leaned forward and brushed his lips against hers. "Why?" was all she managed, then he sighed and explained:
"I should've told you from the beginning. I know it's stupid, but from the first moment, I was drawn to you. When we went out, I felt that I already knew you. My behavior back then was suspicious, and I should've expected that you would be worried. Had my pride not stopped me from discussing it with you, you wouldn't have felt so bad."
"But…it's a personal matter, isn't it?"
"Yes. And like I said, I felt close to you…closer than with any other human being. Yet I decided to close up and grieve alone. I just…I suppose I should say that I've been alone a long time and don't know how to open up to people, but that's hardly an excuse."
"But…what happened?" she asked, scooting over to him and then ran her fingers through his hair "You don't have to tell me, but…"
"It's ok." He smiled "It's an old story anyways. Karin….her brother was in one of my classes, and he was honestly the only person that didn't treat me like some piece of trash. Before that, everybody saw me as the nerd, the freak, the prodigy…and prodigies aren't supposed to have feelings. You've probably encountered that-people, who thing gifted children need some special attention. My own parents were nearly convinced to hand me over to one of those orders that think premature children are messengers from another race, and thought they should meditate all day and eat nothing but carrots." Hitsugaya shook his head "Kurosaki Ichigo was the only person who treated me normally. He was third in the class, after me and another man, Ishida Uruyu. He was smart, but didn't take it as anything special. I guess I admired his…easy-going attitude."
"Anyway…" he continued "I met his family, and one day I played a soccer game with his sister, Karin. I was in love after the first goal! I thought that I would die if I didn't have her, and started courting her. I was the idiot prodigy, until she had some mercy on me and confessed that she felt the same. We dated, made love, drew plans…the kind of plans you draw in university and never accomplish. But we were happy fools. Fools in love."
"So what happened?" she asked
"We had different wishes. Karin wanted to be a soccer star, even though she wanted to be with me. I wanted a family, and I guess I was a little jealous of the opportunities she had…just because she was normal. Soccer, or a desk job is not good enough for a prodigy, you see. People had expectations, and I couldn't turn down the idea. Anyway…she got pregnant. I suppose that it was either's fault, but I was the one who wanted it most. When she told me, we decided to get engaged, and make it official for the sake of her family. Everyone was happy and stuff, and I thought things couldn't be better. Back then I didn't suppose that she could think otherwise."
His eyes darkened as the memory returned-vivid and real, like it had been just yesterday.
"One night, we were coming back from a party at her family's clinic. She hadn't had any alcohol, or so I thought, because of the baby, so I let her drive. It was raining, there were some broken lamps…I told her to slow down, but she just shook her head and kept driving. We fought a little, I was trying to tell her to take it easy, but she didn't listen. Suddenly, she yelled at me to shut up, that I had ruined her life and that I should be happy with the fact that she was going along with it. Next thing I knew, we flew off the road and hit a tree." Hitsuagya shook his head.
"I was fine, but she lost the baby then and there. On top of all, the doctors had to operate her to get rid of a hemorrhage in her head, after which she dropped into a coma. Ichigo and I stayed by her side, day and night, and during that time, I confessed everything to him. He didn't say anything for a while, and then told me that I shouldn't be begging his forgiveness."
A sigh escaped his lips "Of course he was right! I should've listened to her and given up after she said that she didn't want a family yet! I waited to tell her that, and in all my naïveté thought that we could still restart her life. But when she woke up, it turned out that every memory she had of me…of us…had vanished. Just like that."
Matsumoto listened, dumbstruck. She tried to be professional, to seek something that could guide him through, but she couldn't. She couldn't even begin to imagine what it felt, to be totally erased from the memories of a girl you love with all your heart. If it wasn't Toushiro, she wouldn't have believed it.
"They said it was a selective amnesia…a defense mechanism her brain used to save itself from madness. It could last days, or it could last forever. When he heard that, Ichigo told me that it was probably for her best interest that those memories should not be returned…thus I was expelled from her life. I wasn't angry though-I knew that I deserved it. I had used her for my own selfish reasons and I felt sick to the bone for it…I could say that I loved her and thought that this is what she wanted as well, but it's not an excuse. I shouldn't be looking for such things in the first place."
"Is that why you were so…angry back then?" Rangiku asked him
"Angry? Maybe that's a good word." He smiled "I was angry indeed, for a number of reasons. Because Ichigo still took time to warn me, even though it was obviously not needed, with his sister having established her life. Because Karin had suddenly changed her mind about childbirth and marriage. But mostly…at myself, because I thought that I was angry at all. I thought that I should be happy for her, glad that she had made a life, even…relieved…but I was not. I was sulking like a selfish child, only because she found happiness in the arms of another man…I thought that I should be there in his place, and I felt sick for it."
"You know…" Matsumoto said after a few minutes of silence "When he first left, I told myself that it was for the best. None of my relationships had turned into something serious, and I thought that I felt differently because he had been the one to approach me first. Being alone was only to be expected, and yet I felt empty. Then, I got angry too…I began thinking that it had been stupid to fall for a guy like him and that I should just forget about him. In the end, I blamed myself too…because I thought that I wasn't good enough."
"THAT'S NOT TRUE!" Hitsugaya grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her to look at him "Rangiku, it's not true! No man that ever met you could say that you weren't good enough! Rather, he was an undeserving bastard who took off when things got too much for him to handle, and instead of facing the problems, ran off! You couldn't have done anything to change what he was."
"Yes. That's the same conclusion I came to." She smiled warmly "And that applies to you too, Toushiro. Nobody who ever met you would've doubted that you did the best you could. And you couldn't have changed Karin-san's mind unless she changed it first. You have to accept that."
"I already have." He smiled "I think…that the meeting with her brother back then…was the best thing that could've happened to me."
Mirroring his smile, she wrapped her arms around him and gave him a soft kiss on the mouth. He took her in his arms and kissed her back. Neither of them held back this time.
In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody knows
A/N-So what happened to reviews? Do tell me-what do you think of the whole dilemma. I saw it on Mark Levy's "Vous revoir", and I thought that it could work here...with changes, of course.