The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing
Chapter 14
Here's the next. Please let me know your thoughts on it. Our hero is beginning to exhibit another of the signs of this disorder. A few more small clues as to the cause revealed. Hope you like it.
Disclaimer: Somehow I know that If I made any money from this, husband and ninja cats would still only be wondering what's for dinner.
*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*
Born in the Sign of Water
Danny, quietly as he could, unzipped his carry-on to begin packing the things he'd already laid out on the bed.
At the sound, Steve startled awake, jolting into a sitting position and grabbing for something at his side. Danny knew he was reaching for a weapon. Even though there wasn't one to be had, it still made the detective's heart pound a little faster. He hoped it was just a SEAL thing and not something he could blame on his friend's current mental state.
"Sorry babe. Didn't mean to wake you. We got a flight out at noon. It's a non-stop so I figured you should get all the sleep you can before we leave."
Steve's chest heaved as he tried to slow his breathing. Dammit, why can't I just wake up like a normal person? He thought for probably the hundredth time since he'd come back from deployment. He lay back on the bed and waited for his rabbit quick heart rate to slow again to something more in the human range.
The room had spun for a brief moment at the change from lying to sitting. He belatedly remembered that one or more of the previous night's meds caused dizziness if he sat up too quickly. His stomach lurched as well. He knew it was the trade-off for keeping the nightmares under control.
"S'okay, Danny. Time to get up anyway." Sitting up a little more slowly this time, he threw back his covers and swung his feet off the bed.
Waiting another moment before actually standing, he was relieved to get to his feet without losing his balance and falling back onto the bed as he'd done the morning before. While his balance was okay, his stomach was not. At least he'd eaten yesterday. Maybe by tonight he'd be able to keep something down.
Responding to the call of nature, he made his way to the bathroom. As he stood over the john still half asleep courtesy of the Temazepam, he tried to remember what had gone on the night before. He recalled most everything well enough, especially the yelling at Danny. He'd have to apologize again for being such an asshole. He knew Danny was only trying to help but he really wasn't looking forward to seeing Cath this time. A knot of dread formed in his stomach, adding to the already queasy feeling.
While washing up, he glanced at the floor and was a little surprised to see his sweatshirt crumpled up under the marble counter. He wasn't usually such a slob. Neatness was ingrained in him. He bent to pick it up, straightening slowly so as not to make the room dance about again.
His skin remembered the blistering shower he'd taken, it was a little tender as though he had a mild sunburn. He'd have to add it to the list of really stupid things he'd done lately, right behind running out into a snowstorm without a jacket and then drinking a river of whiskey. He'd always prided himself on being almost hyper aware of the physical world. He relied on his senses to keep himself and his people safe but now, one moment he was numb as a brick and the next, every breath of air over his skin make him jump like he'd been scalded. It frightened him.
He went back to sit on his bed and find out what were the arrangements for their departure. Danny had already completed packing up his meager belongings and had set his bag by the door.
"Everyone in Chicago is trying to be somewhere else now that the airport is finally open again. How did you even manage to get tickets?" asked Steve as he rummaged through the duffle Danny had set on the bed for him.
"Uhh . . . just called in some favors. No big deal." Danny replied nonchalantly, hoping Steve wouldn't ask for details.
"Well, whatever works." smiled McGarrett tiredly as he pulled out his shaving gear, just happy for the opportunity to get home.
While Steve was in the shower, (a cooler one this time), Danny surreptitiously contacted Caldwell to ask about the Ativan dosage for the flight. After listening to the explanation of what had happened at the aquarium and the flashback at the restaurant, the doctor agreed that four milligrams was the best dosage for the plane ride. That much was almost guaranteed to keep Steve quiet and out of trouble for the almost ten-hour flight. Danny just hoped he wouldn't have to carry the guy off the plane.
Steve packed up his stuff and they went downstairs to check out. Much as Danny had liked the place, this wouldn't necessarily be a visit he'd like to put in his scrapbook. Making a stop at the coffee shop, he talked Steve into eating most of a bowl of oatmeal so that he could take his morning meds. Luckily, it stayed down and as the drugs took effect, Steve was again subdued and measured in his movements. All the way to O'Hare he stared dully out the taxi's window at the still nearly pristine snow that covered the city. Due to the interruption of the daily travels of its inhabitants the sparkling blanket hadn't yet turned into the usual trampled grey slush.
Danny didn't try to engage his partner in any conversation and, for once, the latest of their cabbies remained silent; not offering any local news or political opinions.
The conversation with the shrink had resulted in more detail about the unlabeled bottle he'd been handed - why it had neither the name of the drug nor the name of the patient listed on it. The only information was contained on the slip of paper that had been stuffed inside the small bottle of pills.
Caldwell had explained that if the Navy found out about the medication usually prescribed for chronic psychosis, Steve would have no chance of remaining in the military. He wasn't going to officially prescribe it and had given Danny a few of the samples distributed by the drug manufacturer. He assured him he'd prescribed it in the past for other patients but it had some unpleasant side effects if taken regularly.
He felt that Steve losing his commission on top of whatever else had happened in the desert would be a disastrous blow for the fragile man. The doctor was breaking the rules and risking his own career by even dispensing it without it being documented in Steve's file but he felt it was the right thing to do. He'd come to like and respect the troubled commander. The regs were there for a reason but he didn't feel they were in in his patient's best interests right now.
It wasn't to be used unless Steve had a full-blown break but unless something really dire triggered one, it most likely would never be needed. Danny prayed he was right.
….
The flight was tedious. Steve slept most of the time.
The plane was full of the usual snowbirds looking for respite in the fiftieth state. This was a long non-stop flight so it was expected the children on it would eventually become restless. Despite being the world's most conscientious and loving father, as it wore on, Danny wished he had enough Ativan to give to everyone.
On flights like this, thought the detective as an ear-splitting scream sounded from a child a few rows behind that made him check to make sure Steve hadn't awakened, maybe the airline should hand out the pills like the little packets of pretzels they offered along with soda or water. He felt guilty for even thinking it but he was afraid Steve would startle awake and it would trigger something no one wanted to deal with.
Throughout the flight, his partner had barely stirred; getting up once to use the restroom. Danny kept an eye on him as he walked slowly and carefully down the aisle. If there'd been anywhere else to go, he'd probably have had to follow him to make sure he didn't wander off. The four milligrams of the anti-anxiety medication combined with the effects of the other drugs had almost literally knocked the SEAL on his ass.
Successfully finding his way back to retake his seat, Steve promptly returned to slumber. Danny woke him for their meal but he barely touched his food saying he was too nauseous to eat. Considering it was airline fare, it wasn't even all that bad. Danny finished up what his partner left untouched.
Since it was a last minute 'emergency' booking, they were actually lucky to be able to sit beside one another. Steve had the window seat and Danny the aisle. The tall man slept in what looked to be an uncomfortable position, slipping down in his seat until he rested with his head half wedged between the seat and the window. Danny pulled him gently over to lean against his own shoulder. He didn't want his friend to suffer a neck injury on top of everything else. Steve didn't even wake, only frowning slightly and mumbling something unintelligible he curled his body toward the aisle, tucked his head against Danny's shoulder and resumed his soft breathing.
A little boy of five or six with huge dark eyes looked curiously over the back of the seat in front of them. Danny smiled at him and the kid shyly smiled back. He solemnly stared at them for another moment before saying, "My two daddies sleep that way on plane trips too."
Damned little brat, thought the detective.
…
Danny woke his partner when the announcement came to put one's seat in an upright position. Steve stirred groggily and straightened up, looking around and running a hand over his face. Danny motioned toward the man's seriously disheveled hair. Steve grinned sleepily at him and ran his hands through his short but unruly coif and managed to get most of it going in the same direction.
Danny only shook his head. Even on his good days, Steve's hair would kind of do its own thing. The blonde figured his partner kept it short not necessarily due to some military requirement or even as a declaration of style but because he didn't want to waste the time or energy to tame it. The man was an animal.
Danny always took great pains to arrange his own hair in just the right way and NOBODY messed with it. It annoyed him a little that Steve could be so cavalier about his appearance and still manage to look as though he belonged on the cover of GQ.
The sound of the plane's engines changed pitch and moments later its tires thumped down onto the runway; the landing a little harder than he was expecting but it startled only one of the kids on the plane into squawking amid the nervous titters of some of the passengers. In the ten or so minutes it took for the airbus to arrive at their gate and begin expelling its human cargo, Steve seemed to come completely awake and was more than ready to deplane. He actually looked a little more rested but it may only be that the mood stabilizers were wearing off. Nevertheless, he seemed happy to be home.
The two walked quickly down the jetway. It was good to be home again. Steve knew he'd had enough snow to last him for the rest of his life . . . and probably enough whiskey to do the same.
Danny called Kono to let her know they'd landed. She and Chin were wrapping up a crime-scene on the other side of the island. It would be at least another hour or so before they could get to the airport. He told her not to worry, they'd get a ride from someone else.
His next call was to Kamekona. They were waiting on the concrete benches in the shade outside the terminal as the big man's jeep pulled up before them.
"Hey, my favorite arms of the law, howzit?" greeted the shave ice/shrimp truck entrepreneur.
"Good" answered Steve, "Now that we're home again." He offered a smile to the big man. "Thanks for coming to pick us up."
Kamekona looked the tall man up and down as though he was thinking of buying him and pronounced, "Brah, you need some of my special Cajun garlic shrimp with maybe a side of curly fries covered with my special sauce."
"Can I take a rain check on that?" Steve's smile broadened. Even on a good day, Kamekona's spicy shrimp dish, (not to mention his secret sauce of gooey cheese mixed with wasabi and only God knew what), was a little rough on one's stomach. The thought of trying it right now was actually painful.
"Where to, my bruddahs? You wanna to go to da cop house?"
"Yeah, that would be goo . . . "
Danny cut off his partner's answer before he could even complete it. "Just drop us off at McGarrett's big guy. We have a few things to do before we can get back to work."
Steve scowled at him but didn't argue. Airing his laundry in front of the large Hawaiian wasn't something he wanted to do. Though the big man had proven himself to be a true friend and was part of their extended ohana, Steve preferred to keep his situation as far under wraps as possible. To even have everyone know that Danny had to go get him and bring him home like a runaway dog was embarrassing. He knew he was a walking disaster. Besides, he didn't want everyone to be discussing what a fuck-up he is. He knew they would. People would talk about him. They were staring at him in the airport, he could feel their eyes on him. Even Danny was looking at him strangely and he'd seen how Kamekona was evaluating him. He had to get away from all of them.
It was a bright sunny day as were most of them here – too bright. The sunshine was nearly painful in its relentless glare and intensity. After he and Danny climbed into the Jeep, Steve fumbled through his duffle looking for something.
"Whatcha need, Rambo?" Danny called back to him from the front seat.
"Sunglasses, looking for my sunglasses." muttered Steve anxiously.
Kamekona, a very perceptive man in spite of his sometimes clownish appearance and behavior, raised his eyebrow to look at Danny questioningly.
Danny handed Steve the Foster-Grants he pulled from his shirt pocket. "Here, babe, you can use mine. No worries." Stylish but inexpensive, they did the job.
Steve quickly snatched them from his hand and fumbled them on before sitting back in his seat, posture tense.
"You turn into a vampire or someting when you wuz gone, Brah?" smiled the big Hawaiian as he steered his old jeep away from the curb and toward the airport exit.
"Yeah, something like that." said McGarrett rather stiffly as he bent forward to stuff displaced belongings back into the duffle. Kamekona, though he didn't react, had noticed the nearly frantic search and then the cool tone of the man's reply.
The detective and the entrepreneur talked of island life and its latest goings on during the nearly twenty-minute drive. Steve was silent but seemed on edge and looked around him as if waiting for something to happen. He'd gone from being almost sleepily relaxed, to happy anticipation, to edgy and hyper-vigilant in a very short period of time. Danny glanced at his watch. In another hour and a half, it would be time for a dose of everything but the Ativan.
He's home now, thought the detective, There's no reason to be so on edge.
They arrived at the McGarrett house and pulled into the driveway behind Danny's Camaro and Steve's Silverado. Not knowing when they'd return, he'd asked Chin and Kono to retrieve it from the airport and drop it off at Steve's. He'd always chided his partner for his thrifty ways but he didn't want to run up a humongous tab at airport parking.
Without even waiting for the jeep to come to a complete stop, Steve grabbed his duffle and hopped out.
"Hey Rambo! Wait for me!" yelled Danny who actually waited for the vehicle to stop before hefting his bag and jumping out. "Thanks for the ride man." he called over his shoulder to the big man who waved and drove off, shaking his head at the strangeness of his friend McGarrett. The man needed to eat something. It always made one feel better. He knew it did wonders for himself.
Steve didn't even bother to go to his front door. He dropped his duffle at the side of the house and disappeared toward the back. There his ocean waited for him. He could practically feel its cool embrace; could feel it curling around and over him like soothing hands. It had been too long since he'd been home . . . to his ocean, his refuge.
Danny jogged after him. He didn't bother to call out. He couldn't stop Steve from returning to the sea, it was part of him and he of it. He knew it was probably the best thing for his friend right now. Everything else could change. Everything we thought about ourselves could be turned on its head in one fickle disastrous moment. Our lives could turn to shit in a brief utterance of words or the flash of a gun muzzle but the sea was always there.
Steve paused only long enough to strip off, leaving only his briefs, before wading out far enough to dive into the cool serenity he'd longed for.
The blonde plopped down into the sand to sit and watch his friend cut through the water like a dolphin. With powerful strokes he swam out far enough to be only a small speck in the blue expanse. Though Steve was nearly one with the ocean and Danny was surprised the man didn't have gills of his own, he was getting a little worried at the distance Steve had gone from shore.
Dammit! thought the blonde, If he gets into trouble I'm not going after him. The man should have stayed in one of the tanks at the aquarium if he wanted to commune with fish.
After nearly an hour, Danny saw the small speck of dark hair begin to grow larger as Steve finally began his way back to shore. Danny, taking Steve's spare key from his pocket and keeping watch over his shoulder, hurried back into the house to get a towel. He was standing shoeless in the surf when Steve emerged from it looking exhausted but a lot more relaxed.
The tall man took the offered towel with a smile and scrubbed it through his hair and down his body before dropping it on the sand and sitting atop it. Danny lowered himself to the ground next to him.
Still catching his breath after his near marathon swim, Steve with knees drawn up and long arms wrapped around them, stared out into the dark blue Pacific, eyes of nearly the same color searching the horizon. Danny adopted the same pose and they sat there in silence for a long time. Shadows were beginning to lengthen when the first word was spoken.
"You know, I thought I'd never see this again." said the SEAL, not taking eyes off his ocean.
Danny said nothing in response. He didn't think Steve was expecting one.
The only sound was the lapping of the waves and the fizz and crackle of the foam that was left behind when the water released the shore. Several more minutes passed before the tall man finally said, "I thought I was going to die there and . . . then, when I didn't . . . it was actually a disappointment. Kinda funny, huh?"
"No, Steven, not funny. Not even a little bit funny." answered Danny, shuddering at the almost offhand way his partner had made the statement.
"I should have." said Steve, almost as though speaking to himself and still not taking eyes off the water.
"I know you think that." replied the blonde, pale blue eyes locked on the horizon as well. He turned to face Steve before saying "I know you think that you should have died with the others but it wasn't your choice. It wasn't your time to die. You still have things to do, babe: more bad guys to catch, more people to help. We need you."
Steve huffed dismissively, "I couldn't even help myself, Danny. I certainly couldn't save my men. Not a damned one of them. Not even when they called out to me to save them. I couldn't do a damned thing . . . nothing, and here I am sitting on a beach in fucking paradise. I don't deserve to be here. I should have been with them."
Danny didn't have an answer for Steve's anguish. They sat silently until the sun began to dip toward the horizon. Finally rising without another word being spoken between them; tall man and not-so-tall man strode shoulder to shoulder trudging away from the shore through the warm sand.
…..
He awoke with a scream – NO! PLEASE! DON'T!
With a worried sigh, Danny threw off his tangled blankets and rolled off the sofa. Taking the stairs two at a time, he pushed open Steve's door and found him where he'd found him nearly every night when the dreams visited.
Moving quickly to the other side of the bed, he saw his partner huddled against the wall, eyes wide and wild, hands in front of him as though in defense.
"Steve!" he approached slowly, carefully, "Hey, buddy."
The man on the floor didn't even seem to see him, he was in another world, a world not visible to anyone but himself.
"Steven, it's okay. You're okay. You're home now. Nothing is going to hurt you. Steven, wake up!"
Danny continued his soothing murmurs as Steve continued to stare into the darkness at something that terrified him, something that made the empty air his enemy. Danny knew better than to get too close until Steve became aware of his surroundings. He still had the bruises to prove the idiocy of doing so.
As before, the nightmare left slowly, ebbing away into the darkness to leave a shivering, trembling and exhausted man cowering against a bedroom wall.
Slowly losing the wild, visceral fearfulness, the dark eyes began to focus on Danny's face.
"Danny?" he breathed, voice tentative and unsure. Perhaps he thought his partner another fragment of the horrific dream. He's not real, not real, not real . . . don't trust it, his jumbled senses tried to convince him.
"It's me. It's Danny. It's okay now. You can relax now Steven. The nightmare's over. You're safe." Danny used the soothing words he'd used before - too many times before.
"She was here again. I saw her. She was right here." he sobbed.
"No, no. It was just a dream. There's no one here but me and you."
Steve folded forward and buried his face in his hands, drawing his knees to his chest; trying to make himself disappear against the white plaster.
He could still see her face. See the blood, smell its coppery scent.
He flinched as Danny put a hand on his shoulder. He felt as though his nerve endings had no protection from the elements. Every touch, every atom of dust, every flicker of light registered like a sharp slap, a heavy blow, a burning. He had to end it somehow. He couldn't go on like this.
*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0* Hawaii 5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*5-0*
The title for this chapter is from the old song 'Cool Change'. It seemed appropriate.
Next chapter up in about a week. We'll meet Steve's new shrink and get a lot more information on what happened. There will be a warning noted for the content of an upcoming chapter. No, get your minds out of the gutter – not that kind of warning.
Reviews would be appreciated.