A/N: It's been 5ever and I'm so sorry for that, life and such. This chapter is kind of transitional. It's knowing people are still interested that keeps me going so thank you for all your support.
You're losing hope in little memories every day And let me comfort you
The red hairs on the floor are being swept away
Well I can't fix what's broken but I'll hold the pieces in place
Just let me put my loving arms around you
Comfort you
(Comfort You – Erick Baker)
"Higher Livia Higher!"
Wednesday is chemo, Thursday is usually spent on the bathroom floor, but Friday's, Friday's are the day that Elliot insists on dragging her out to the park with Eli, "Come on, it's gonna be too cold soon, and look at how happy he is when you come" he had cajoled.
His blue eyes dancing with mischief remind her so much of his father that it makes her heart clench, "Alright kiddo, alright" she tells him pushing him higher, faster.
She looks over to where he sits on the bench, his smile is wide, beaming, and those months apart seem like light years before.
OoO
Friday's are his favorite day. Wednesdays are spent at the hospital, Thursday's he spends at home, phone on high right next to him…just in case. It's the call he dreads most because the thought of her getting so sick that she'd actually call him, it scares him shitless.
He watches them, little blonde ringlets bobbing in the crisp winter air and her eyes are lit back up, the color of warm hot chocolate and he feels a warmth spread through him…and it's a happiness he told himself he didn't deserve to feel anymore, but he's going to hold onto it with both hands this time.
OoO
"How's Olivia?"
Her eyes are soft and blue, and for a moment in the dull glow of the kitchen light, he remembers that girl from long ago that he fell in love with. He smiles from there mere mention of her name, "She's…she's a fighter, ya know?" and it's all he can really get out before there is a lump in his throat because talking about her sick makes it too real.
She walks towards him, squeezes his arm, "She's gonna be fine…she's strong, and she has you"
It's the way she lingers on the last part that makes his jaw clench, like she's resigned to the fact…and a part of him wants to explain it away with, "She's my partner" but that excuse isn't even valid anymore and, "She's my friend" trivializes the invisible tether that binds them together. So he stays silent, watches her walk up the stairs, and hates himself a little more because everything is broken and he's powerless to fix it.
OoO
"Are you sure about this"
Nodding she signs the paper with a terse smile at the doctor. The woman reaches out her hand, "Olivia, you're strong, your body is reacting to the chemo well, there's no reason to think"
But it all falls on deaf ears. She's a master of the preparation, the art of expecting the worse so that you can keep from completely shattering and she can feel her cells dying, the disease and the poison she's injecting into her system slowly draining her. So, she accepts what she sees as the inevitable and she's never been scared of death before, in her line of work, that wasn't a luxury you could afford. She won't lie to herself and say she's not afraid of leaving him because she knows him. And she knows that he will blame himself, like he wasn't strong enough to save her…even if they both know that there is nothing he could have done to protect her this time.
OoO
"Oh god Dad no, what are you thinking" Kathleen admonishes grabbing the fabric from his hand, "Olivia wouldn't be caught dead in this"
Her eyes widen and her hand cover her mouth, "Oh shit, I didn't" she whispers tugging her pink lip between her teeth.
His stomach turns and he forces a smile, "So, no? I thought it was nice" he says flippantly, trying to ignore the queasiness.
She shakes her head, turns, "No, that looks like grandma's old drab curtains" she explains, "You want something pretty, feminine, but not too feminine" she explains, "Nothing bright and garish, Olivia is more a classic beauty"
He has no idea what she's yammering on about, but that part resonates with him, and he smiles thinking of the way her smile spreads slowly across her face, her eyes sparkling, when for a moment she forgets all the shit they carry around with them, just letting herself feel happy.
"This one is perfect!"
When he turns, she's holding this piece of fabric in her hand and he's never been one for fashion, but when he pictures it on her, he feels a warmth spread through his chilled bones.
OoO
"You hungry? Want to grab something to eat?"
He asks because he knows in a couple hours she won't even be able to move from the bed, "If I say no, you're going to force me anyway, so" she chides.
Laughing they walk down the hospital corridor when a young man steps in front of them, "Detective Benson"
His back stiffens and he prepares to step in front of her protectively when her arm comes up and smacks his chest, "Down killer" she mutters and then looks at the kid, "Hey, Darren right, Valerie's boyfriend?"
"Yes ma'am, uh, I'm here cause of Valerie, she uh, she, she took some pills and…she's kinda in a bad place" he rambles shuffling in his sneakers.
There are tears shining in the boys eyes and Elliot wants to reach out and grab his shoulder because he's just a kid and although he has no idea what he's been through but that haunted look in his eyes reminds him of his own son and all the things he wanted to shield him from.
"Is she okay?" Olivia asks and there's panic in her voice and his hand automatically reaches out to grasp her shaking hand, finding an odd sense of comfort when she squeezes his back tightly.
"Yeah, uh, you know" he says nervously, "She had mentioned how talking to you made her feel better…and I just, maybe, you could, talk, I don't know"
"What room?"
She turns to him, "I'll explain later, you can go, I can get a cab"
Their hands are still clasped and her furrows his brow and shakes his head, "I'll sit out here with the kid and wait, you take care of it" he tells her and she nods and releases his hand reluctantly.
It's why they work so well together, because they don't need explanations or more than one look to understand.
OoO
Tears are wetting her cheeks when she walks out, the exhaustion from the chemo and the fragile broken girl flanked by hospital sheets has drained her completely. She hears his voice as she rounds the corner.
"You gotta be strong for her. Because right now she needs you to pick up the slack" he tells him, "You know, make sure she knows how much you're there for her, need her here. It's not going to be easy but that's what you do when you love someone"
There's a well of emotion that builds in her gut and starts making its way up to her throat, and he holds her breath, leans against the cool tile of the wall, and just listens to him, "She's gonna push you away, and you push back that much harder because when she pushes, that's when she needs you the most"
The boy listens, nodding, tears wetting his tattered jeans, "I just love her so much and I don't know how to help her"
"All you can do, is be there, make sure she knows she's not alone"
It's when he utters those words that the tear makes life on her cheek and dies on her lips.
OoO
The walk to the car is quiet, both of them lost in their own heads, and he replays the words he told the kid in the waiting room because somewhere in there the line of who he was talking about was so blurred that all he could see was Olivia's eyes the moment she told him she was sick.
When they pull up to the house, she sits there and breathes in deeply, "You okay?" he asks gently, knowing the way they both can so easily get lost in their own heads.
In an instant, the world ceases to exist, "I signed a DNR at the hospital, you have to swear to me you won't fight it"