Chapter Fourteen
Rather than face her demolished apartment, Kagome had instructed Sesshoumaru to take her to the shrine.
After the long climb up the steep stairs, Sesshoumaru was led to the large tree hidden behind the shrine house. A small bench sat beneath the leafy branches. The grey stone was carved with small holy symbols.
"I think it's time you explained what that was all about." Kagome settled on the bench, placing the unopened mail on the ground beside her.
Distaining the small empty space on the bench, the Daiyoukai paced to lean against the tree. His bleak gaze met her determined one. "My father's intentions were to scare you off."
She snorted bitterly. "It might surprise you to know that I figured out that much on my own, Sesshoumaru. Please credit me with some deductive reasoning." Her chest rose on a deep breath. Kagome released it slowly, allowing the soothing scent of spring air to calm her. "When were you planning on telling me? After we mated?"
Unwilling to lie, Sesshoumaru's frown intensified.
Kagome's eyes widened. "Kami, you-I cannot believe you! How could you plan to do something like that to me! Have you no consideration for how I would feel knowing I was stuck with a male who refused to give me children because he would hate them for being hanyou?"
"You would listen to the lies of my father?" he snarled, incensed.
"Don't even try to turn this on me, Sesshoumaru! I would listen to you, but you insist on remaining enshrouded in mystery! What else am I supposed to do, but believe in your silence!" she shot back.
He ran an agitated hand through his hair, tumbling the leather thong onto the ground. "This is where your trust has gone? Do you profess to believe in me, only to snatch it back at the first opportunity?"
Kagome glared up at him. "I am not the one who has been keeping secrets, Sesshoumaru. Everything about me, about my life, is open to you. You have invaded my home and work. I am not the one who deserves to have my trust questioned. From the moment you have come into my life, it has been one revelation after another. All pulled from you unwillingly! So, you tell me, Sesshoumaru. Am I now supposed to forgive your omissions, simply because you would have eventually come clean once it was too late for them to do me any good?"
Her enraged words shot through the crisp air, impacting with his offended pride. "You do not understand," he stated evenly, anger gone.
"Why? Because I have always assumed that the male who professed to desire me for a mate would actually want children of my body? How disappointing for you, that my human womb is unworthy of such an honor!" Her defiant glare was offset by the sparkling of moisture.
Sesshoumaru crossed the short distance between the tree and the bench instantly. He dropped to his knee, trying to clasp her hands in his.
She evaded his attempts. "No! I don't want you to touch me!" She began to cry in earnest. "I can't-You can't expect me to forget this, to just…" Her hiccupping sobs interrupted the rest of what she wanted to say.
At a loss for what to do, Sesshoumaru retrieved the embroidered handkerchief from his pants pocket and handed it to Kagome. She took it hesitantly. "Will you allow me to explain, Kagome?" he finally asked after she had calmed down to mere sniffles.
She refused to look at him. Squaring her shoulders, Kagome nodded. She would give him this. She would hear it from his own mouth why she wasn't good enough to be the mother of his children.
He ignored the dampness seeping into his cloth-covered knee. "Since the media has always taken great interest in my unusual circumstances, I imagine it will come as no surprise to you to know that I was born different. Unlike the other youkai children, I could not gain a humanoid form until I was fifteen years old. What was so easily achieved by infants, I was unable to maintain for longer than an hour."
Kagome nodded. Her grandfather had told her a story about the great celebration that had come even before his time in honor of Sesshoumaru's long overdue achievement.
"When it was discovered that I still had difficulty with such a simple task, my father sent for doctors from all around the world. He feared I would be doomed to live life as an inu."
Sesshoumaru's lips twisted sardonically. "As his heir, that was unacceptable. Their tests were extensive, but nothing could be found to explain away my condition. Everything appeared normal. Eventually, through training, I gained enough control to maintain a humanoid form. No amount of training, however, could answer why my fur followed through the transformation."
Kagome clutched the handkerchief to keep herself from reaching for him. He described such a horrid childhood!
"Two years ago, in light of the recent advances in science, my father approached me to undergo more testing. I refused. As a result, he induced my mother to undergo them. The results were not wholly unexpected. My mother was not born an inuyoukai, Kagome. She took the form of one to mate my father. In order to do so, her body replicated his DNA from the blood sharing of their mating bond. Something went wrong, however. It is called DNA translocation. She copied the chromosomes of his youkai DNA correctly, but some of them were misplaced along her adopted DNA strand. There are no visible signs, which is why my parents could not detect anything wrong. But, it is a condition that can lead to deformity in the children of such a parent. In humans, as I understand it, the condition can be fatal, result in miscarriage, or lead to mental disabilities as well as physical ones."
Sesshoumaru willed Kagome to look up. When she did, he continued, his voice coldly informative, "As a pup, I was locked in my true form. It was only through the power of my youki, coupled with disciplined meditation, that I had finally managed to open the dam blocking my ability to transform. There is always pain, where other youkai feel nothing, however. What I do is unnatural for my body. I am not a youkai with an inuyoukai spirit form, Kagome. I am an inuyoukai that, through dedication and will power, manages to walk on two legs. And, according to the leading scientists, it is hereditary."
Stunned, the handkerchief lay forgotten on Kagome's lap. "You mean-"
"Any pup of mine stands an eighty percent chance of being born as I was. There is a sixty percent chance that they will be born with an even worse deformity than mine. Assuming they are not immediately miscarried or stillborn, as is also likely. That is assuming on a youkai female carrying my pups. With a human mother, the chances are even higher that the pups would be plagued with debilitating disorders, both mental and physical. Hanyou are already possessed of problems with unstable blood. It would only add complications to the genetic equation."
"So," Kagome finally chanced, mind still reeling, "you don't want children because you fear they would be born not normal?"
Brutally honest, he answered, "I had already made the decision to forgo the honorof siring pups before the testing. All it did was cement the idea into an irrevocable vow."
"Why? If you hadn't known you could pass along something to your children, why were you so against the idea of having them? The jewel, I thought…" Kagome had never really thought about having children before. But, in the romanticized dreams of her youth, she'd always imagined that eventually she would get married and have kids. It was just what you did.
A laconic brow rose in answer. "I am not what anyone would label as patient. Nor am I possessed of paternal instincts with regardto young ones. I have a life, Kagome, one I have had to fight for. Pups would cause nothing but interferences with their need for attention and nurturing. I desire the preservation of my current lifestyle, rather than the dubious, stressful honor of parenthood. I am free to travel where I would. I must not worry over a child's schedule or how my wants and needs could 'interfere with their development.'"
"Yet you want a mate. Do you expect me to be happy sitting in a corner while you go on with your life, not interfering in it? Are you that selfish?" More confounded than irritated, Kagome's brow beetled.
"Selfish? I do not consider putting my own happiness above a hypothetical pup, one that does not exist except in the philosophical realm of 'what ifs,' as being selfish, Kagome. Why are you so afraid to consider the possibility that you don't need a child to be happy? Can you not take responsibility for your own happiness, rather than depending upon an unborn child to magically render your life meaningful? Why do you want children so badly, Kagome?"
Startled, she floundered for a suitable reply. "It's not that I have a burning desire to get pregnant right now. I had always assumed I would have at least two children, though. It's just what you do. To love them, I suppose."
"'Love them?'" he repeated. "You would create life based simply on the need to love someone?"
Kagome frowned. "That's not what I meant, Sesshoumaru. It's a bond between two people, to have children. To suffer the heartache of your children's failures and celebrate their successes together. To see a part of you that will continue, even after you are gone."
"Should you move on to marry a human, you would introduce a child into a world where prejudices thrive? What if, one day, that child is hurt by the very thing which threatens us now? Will you blame the world, or yourself, for asking an innocent to endure your pain for the sake of providing you with an outlet for your love? What of us? Would you ask a child to endure the humiliation of being a hanyou or worse?"
"I don't know. I just… don't know, Sesshoumaru." She was so confused.
He sighed. Sesshoumaru stood, towering over her. He glanced at the broad branches of the tree, contemplating the stars he could see peeking out between the leaves. "Then I will leave. You can reach me on my cell phone if you need me."
Just as he was about to leave, Kagome called out to him, "No! Wait." She gained her feet and rushed to stand before him. "Why? You asked me why I would have children. I ask you now why you would want a mate. You need the jewel. Is your honor the only reason you want me for your mate? You claim responsibility for your own happiness, so where would I fit in?"
A gentle claw traced her cheekbone before Sesshoumaru's arm fell back to his side. "If you cannot answer that, then neither can I."
He left her standing beside the God tree.
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Kagome didn't know what she was going to do. Once Sesshoumaru had left, she had stayed beside the God tree, willing herself not to cry. Everything had been dumped on her without warning. How do you go from being so happy, to having to make the most difficult decision of your life?
A small slice of light spilled into the darkness surrounding the forlorn woman. "Kagome?"
Dejectedly turning to the open door, Kagome spotted her mother leaning out, worry etched clearly on her face. "It's just me, Mama."
Wrapped in a shawl against the cool night air, Mrs. Higurashi disappeared briefly into the kitchen. She reappeared shortly after, a warm blanket in her grasp. "Do you mind if I join you, daughter?"
"No, Mama, of course not." Kagome furtively wiped her eyes dry.
"It won't do any good you know," her mother said, wrapping the blanket tightly around Kagome's shoulders. Loving hands guided her daughter back to the bench where they then claimed a seat. "I know you are upset."
"How much did you hear?" Kagome's voice was nothing more than a soft whisper.
Mrs. Higurashi hesitated slightly before letting out a sigh. "Everything." She stroked her daughter's back soothingly.
Giving in to the need for comfort, Kagome's head rested upon her mother's shoulder. "Mama, I don't know what to do."
"Do you love him?"
Kagome jumped slightly. "I don't know. I like him very much. Though I hate how he kept this from me."
"Hmmm…"
She shifted to look up at her mother's thoughtful visage. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"In the beginning, would you have taken him seriously if you knew he could not have children?"
Kagome answered instantly, "Of course!"
"Really?" her mother asked curiously. "Because, if that is the case, then I do not understand why you are so confused."
Kagome sat up straight. She stared at the small leather thong laying innocently on the grass. "At first, I was angry. The way his father said it, what he implied made me feel as if Sesshoumaru would simply hate a child for being hanyou. Then, you heard him, even if he could, he still wouldn't have children. He thinks they would interfere with his life. Then there's the whole fact that he wanted to keep it from me in the first place!"
Nodding thoughtfully along with everything her daughter said, Mrs. Higurashi wrapped her shawl tighter about her thin shoulders. "There are a great many concerns here. But, the most important needs to be addressed first, Kagome. Ignoring for the moment that he does not want children, if you can accept that he cannot take the chance on them, then I must ask if you can accept a future with him."
Could she? Would she be happy without children? What kind of a family would it be with just her and Sesshoumaru? "What about you? I thought you wanted grandchildren, Mama," she said instead.
Mrs. Higurashi chuckled lightly. "Kagome, what I want in this matter should not influence your decision. I will not dismiss my own dreams of holding a child of yours. But, if that dream does not include a man to love you, and whom you love in return, then I would rather never have it realized."
"I thought he was the one for me, Mama. But, it just seems like there are so many things holding us apart. We are so different," Kagome admitted morosely. "I would trust him with my life, but this…"she paused, unsure how to voice her thoughts.
"But?" The older woman grasped Kagome's hand, squeezing reassuringly. "Kagome?"
Groaning, Kagome's words burst out, "If he doesn't want a child for how they would change his life, what if he gets tired of me? What if he decides I was a mistake? If we, well, if I give that up, only to lose him as well?"
"Perhaps he was right to question your trust, if you believe he would tire of you."
"It isn't like that, Mama! I never would have it-if it hadn't been for the fact that he…" Kagome rushed to her feet, pacing agitatedly. "I just don't understand how he could think a child would interfere with his life, but I wouldn't. I don't want to be a burden on him like we were to father!"
"Oh, Kagome," her mother gasped. "No, that wasn't the case at all! How could you think that?"
Blinking back her tears once more, Kagome sniffed. "I remember the fights you and Papa would get into, Mama. About when he would come home. Would he make it to my school for father-daughter day? Would I have to wait up to get a birthday kiss, because he had to work to afford the presents? I won't live with that kind of guilt again, Mama. Especially with a husband. I'm not you!"
Closing her eyes, Mrs. Higurashi buried her head in her hands. Instantly contrite, Kagome flew to her mother's side and wrapped her arms around the shaking figure. "Oh, Kami, Mama, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm so, so sorry!"
Returning the hug, her mother slowly raised her head. Her eyes puffy, she whispered, "Kagome, there is something you should know. Something I had never planned on telling you, and I would beg of you to keep from your brother."
Disturbed by the quiet resignation in her mother's words, Kagome nodded quickly.
"Your father was such a lovely man. So full of life. It was through our parents that we met. As the shrine daughter, I was expected to marry well to bring prosperity back into my family. Times had been hard and things were difficult. Our family had fallen into poverty. He was the son of a local businessman. Not rich by any means, he was comfortably situated. He also had wonderful prospects to inherit the company after his father passed on. I could give his family the history and respectability of our esteemed name. A perfect match, by all accounts."
She shifted in Kagome's grasp, pulling away slightly to wipe her eyes on the shawl's fringe. "We courted during our school years and married shortly after graduation. He went to work in the company full-time. Unfortunately, before his father died, the company was taken over by a streak of back luck. Rather than inheriting his family business, your father was doomed to watch as it was bought out by a rival. His spirits plummeted, and so did mine. We were not happy, Kagome. My childhood sweetheart was no longer there. Instead, a determined man who desired nothing more than to reclaim his heritage remained. I was afraid that I would be left behind. He said he didn't want to have children until he could settle into his new job and begin plans for improving his work situation. Instead of supporting him, giving him time to work out his problems or working beside him to improve our situation, I decided a child was what we needed to bring us closer. Surely, a child would remind him of all he had at home, that his work didn't need to be his only love."
"Oh, no, Mama," Kagome gasped, guessing where this was going.
Mrs. Higurashi smiled depreciatingly. "I was young and foolish, Kagome. Your father did not welcome the news of my pregnancy. But, he was a good man. He did not turn from me. He simply worked that much harder. And so life went on. Yet, I cannot help but wonder if I had listened to him, rather than forcing yet another responsibility on him, would he still be here? The fights… I know he resented me, Kagome. I know he had never asked to be a father-at least, not just then. And I had taken that choice from him. I, in turn, focused on you in an attempt to make right the fact that your father wanted nothing to do with you. Our marriage became a sham. In my heart, I still loved him, but I could not reach him. Then, one night, your father came to me after three years of sleeping in another room. The next day, he drove off that cliff. He had lost his job, you see. The insurance policy would pay us well, but alive, he would have to start all over again with a wife and a child to support. And I must live with the knowledge that it was me, my choices, that were with him in that car, urging him to find peace the only way he could. Behind, in my womb, your father left what he felt I wanted more than him."
Shocked, Kagome's mind reeled. Her father had killed himself? She had always wondered. She had been so young. He had never been there, an absent figure in her life, but she had loved him. He was her father and had worked hard to make sure she never wanted for anything but his attention. Still unsure what to say, Kagome watched as silent tears rolled down her mother's cheeks.
"I will never forgive myself for what I did to him." She turned to Kagome with a determined light in her eyes. "But, I can try to make amends with our daughter. Please, Kagome, do not make the same mistakes as I did." A trembling hand stroked her daughter's cheek. "I love you and your brother so very much. But, if I knew then what it would do to him, I would rather have lived a life without children than lose the love we had. For me, there is nothing more rewarding than having children, except finding that special someone to share your life with. Do not confuse the two, my daughter, as they do not have to be inclusive."
Digesting her mother's words, Kagome slowly bent over to claim the discarded leather thong. An abandoned strand of silver hair clung determinedly to the tie, and she smiled briefly at the memory of the moment in his car when he had first approached her.
"Thank you, Mama," Kagome whispered to the still figure behind her.
Rustling answered her words, and Kagome felt a light hand drop onto her shoulder. "I love you, Kagome. Always remember that. I will always be here to listen, and regardless of what you decide, that will never change."
Kagome nodded, unable to form words. Her mother returned to the house, leaving the door open to give Kagome light to see by. Must it require such heartache as her mother had endured for her to understand? To listen? It did not escape Kagome's attention that, that had been the main factor that had led to her parents' marriage's tragic end. Her mother had not listened to her father's desires, not truly, and he had not heard her mother's need for an affirmation of his love.
Kagome fist tightened determinedly around the bit of leather in her grasp. Children or no children, she knew that Sesshoumaru was the one for her. So, her rosy dreams were a little off. So, even if he could have kids he wouldn't. That was all irrelevant, anyway, as it would be a matter of beating a dead horse. He couldn't have children, and she would work from there.
He wasn't her father, and she wasn't her mother. Now, it was time to convince him that she was still the woman for him.