Chapter 14 – I found a boy

Couldn't help myself, you're too good to be true.
I fall short each time,
Every time he ain't here
You and your charm creep closer
Closer in here
Like a fool for fire I fall, with my pride and all.
Like a bomb before explosion,
Ticking by your call,
You're the wiser one, disguised from greed,
And I'm just a child who belongs on her knees.

~WWW~

I came back to the Burrow directly after I had seen them. Had he fooled me? Had he used me for sex? I felt my magic leave my body as I thought about it. I tried to make some tea with my wand but failed. I was back to this life; once more. I poured myself some tea with an unsteady hand and sat down in a couch. No one was home so I had time to think without being bothered. I wanted to confront him; ask what the hell he was doing. But then again: we hadn't made a deal or even stated a relationship. He was free as a bird. As was I. My hands were shaking as I drank from the mug I was holding. I looked at the mug to think about something else. It was dark brown and quite soft to hold. Exactly… like… Fred. His soft dark brown eyes and his warm cuddly body that I used to sleep beside. He used to hold me in his big arms and he used to tell me that he would never let go. Had he done it with Miranda as well? Had he made her feel as safe as I had felt once? The thought made my inside wrench and I felt such hatred towards them both.

I thought about owling Nathaniel. For a spare second I didn't care that he would be scared by the bird but I tried to reason with myself. I wanted to tell Miranda that Fred and I had slept together, but what was the point of that? I didn't even know if I wanted Fred anymore and why should I destroy something they apparently had? My life was upside down and I was so angry. Why would he do this to me? Why did he sleep with me if he would go back to Miranda after just one day? It didn't make sense. My thoughts were killing me and I wanted everything to shut down. I tried to destroy something using my wand but out came only a puff. I screamed. I wanted out! But I didn't want to escape again; that wouldn't lead to anything. I was aware of that now. Plus I had already promised George to stay with him; I couldn't let George down. He was an angel. Why hadn't I fell for him instead? Or Ron, Harry, anybody. I would even take Ginny now; she would never hurt me. I stood with fists tied as knots and walked steady towards the fire place. I took some floo powder and flooed myself back to the Diagon Alley. I didn't want to be with wizards, or anyone who could recognize me, so I entered the muggle world as soon as I could. I felt myself walking towards the diner where I had met Nathaniel. I didn't know if I wanted to meet him, but I wanted to be somewhere I had been before. I needed something I could rely on. I ordered some tea and sat down at the bar again. I felt so foolish to come here; secretly hoping I would meet him.

~WWW~

I had been at the diner for an hour and my legs were about to fall asleep. I stood, paid and walked towards the door. I felt tears gathering in my eyes so I held my eyes low and only looked at my feet.

"Ouch!" I walked into someone, as I had a habit of doing, and I apologized quickly before I ran outside.

"Hermione! Hermione!" I heard my name being called and turned around without looking up. Tears had already begun to stream down my face. I tried to wipe it off but it only came more, and more. "Hermione? Woah, what's wrong? Did I hurt you?" It was Nathaniel. Of course it was. Why was he here now?

"No, no. I'm sorry. No." I had no idea what I said or what I wanted to say.

"Don't say you're sorry. It's nothing to be sorry about. This may be hasty but do you want to talk about it? I'm good with people, I've been told."

"You've been told?"

"I'm training to be a psychiatrist. So yeah, you don't have to be ashamed. Come on." He led me away from the diner and to the street he was living on. I remembered it and tried to say something that didn't come out.

"What did you say?"

"Don't be a rapist" He stopped and looked at me in shock. Then a smile started on my lips and he laughed

"You have the weirdest sense of humor." I let him lead me through his doors and I was overwhelmed with the order and clean house.

"How old are you exactly?"

"I'm 25."

"Woah, yeah. I wouldn't doubt it."

"You're not?"

"Not what? I'm 21."

"Really?"

"Yeah?"

"Wow." He dumped me into a couch and wandered away into the kitchen. He shortly came back with tea. I just had some at the diner but didn't mind another cup. "Want to tell me why you storm away from a diner while crying?"

"It's such a long story." I didn't want to cry and seem pathetic in front of him. I needed him as revenge. Did I just think that? Bloody hell this messy triangle had made me worse than I thought. Maybe I just needed someone to talk to.

"A couple of years ago I dated a fantastic boy. We got engaged but soon after I found him cheating. I left England for two years and now, like a week ago, I came back. Somehow I drove his new fiancée out from his arms, slept with him and then caught him in the act – again. He claims he didn't cheat on me the first time but I won't trust him ever again." I sighed and thought that this was the weirdest explanation of my issues. But I had no other idea how to explain it. He looked at me; studied every inch of my body and then met my eyes.

"He's a fool for letting you go."

"He's a fool for making me want him."

"What do you want?"

"I have no idea. I don't want anything anymore." He took my hand over the table and held it. It felt good. He was so nice to me and it felt like he didn't want anything back from me. In a way Fred fixed me, but at the same time he broke me. "I expect too much."

"No you don't. You are worthy the same as any other. People shouldn't cheat or hurt each other."

"Why are you so nice to me? You hardly know me."

"Well," he began "You are special to me. I saw you on the dance floor and I couldn't keep my eyes from you. You're glowing when you are happy." I looked at my arms and hands.

"I'm not glowing at the moment." He smiled a broken smile and squeezed my hand.

"You're beautiful anyway." I covered a slight blush and took my hand back. I wasn't ready for another romance, or that this would get into a messy square.

"I'm not…"

"I know Hermione. I'm not trying to persuade you to me. I think you are a beautiful woman but I know now that you have trouble in paradise."

"Thanks Nathaniel. You're great." I really felt like there was something growing between us, maybe not romance, but I really felt like he and I could be something together.

"You want to make him jealous?"

"Bloody hell yeah!"

"Take me to your home."

"No."

"What? Why not?"

"It's complicated."

"Well I'm good with weird."

"No, yeah. No. I mean I know you are but no. This isn't … the home I'm living in right now is a bit far from your comfort zone." We talked a bit more, but I knew I had to leave soon enough. I didn't want them to think I'd run off again but I didn't want to go back either. I was so split between the choices I almost persuade myself to take Nathaniel with me. He walked me to his beautiful wooden door and gave me a soft kiss on my cheek as I left. My cheek felt hot afterwards.