Forgiveness Chapter 14: Into the Nightmare, a downton abbey fanfic

In early April Sarah felt fat. Too much comforting eating she supposed. She smoked too much as well, probably.

No letter from John.

May came and it rained continually.

Sarah wrote John a 14 page letter but torn it up in a rage before she could post it. Why was there no word?

Daisy had taken to checking the Newspapers lists of men lost or wounded in action for William.

In June the sun came out and the heat annoyingly wafted through Downton, causing the servants to become irritated with each other.

Sarah washed John's old nightgown and it feel apart in her hands. She folded up the old fabric and placed it underneath her pillow.

A week later news came that Thomas had been shot for cowardice. Mrs Hughes sat at the servants table stunned, holding the letter in her hand, Carson stood behind her. He had recovered well and, under Elsie's supervision, was working again.

July was very hot.

Sarah's corset felt too tight.

Bates came home on leave for a few days. He stood in his uniform before Lord Grantham and shook his hand. Anna stood beside Sarah and watched him, proudly.

That evening Sarah cornered Bates and asked him for news of the front. He had none.

August dawned bright and sunny.

Lady Grantham strolled happily around the grounds with her husband. Sarah followed them at a distance dutifully, feeling heavy and dizzy.

She watched Daisy hurrying across the grounds, back from her afternoon off with a new newspaper under her arm. Sarah closed her eyes in frustration. Every week the girl brought a paper and poured through the lists, no one was sure what she was expecting to find…maybe a big sign that read 'William is coming home and never has to fight again'? Sarah sighed. Fat chance.

That night Sarah went to bed early without dinner. She was feeling very unsettled, probably just the heat.

Too easily she slipped into her old nightmare of war.

Thump!

Sarah woke with a start. She had fallen out of bed. Groaning she pushed herself up and the floor swam beneath her, she must have hit her head. Slowly she pulled herself up and settled down back into John's big bed. Quite naturally her hand lay on her tummy, soothing the small pain she unconsciously felt there.

The daybreak broke uncomfortably and the heat simmered on the grounds. Sarah walked up to the house. The staff sat around the table in sombre silence. Mrs Hughes raised her eyes when Sarah came in and cleared her throat with difficulty, she felt as if she were going the cry. Carson took Elise's hand.

Daisy was the one to pipe up, breaking the tension painfully.

"Mrs Knight?"

"Yes?"

Silence.

"Well, spit it out girl" Sarah felt her temper fray.

Daisy squeaked and looked to Mrs Hughes for guidance.

"Daisy found a name on the missing presumed dead list in yesterday's paper."

Sarah felt the blood freeze in her veins and put her hand out to support herself on the doorframe.

"Who?"

"John Knight"

Sarah didn't react. Just blinked a couple of times.

"Right. Well…I'll go and dress her ladyship…"

She walked numbly to the stairs. No one stopped her. Anna felt a tear slip from her eye and rubbed it away before anyone could notice. Mrs Hughes looked at Carson and their eyes met, this time the silent inward conversation could be heard by the whole room. Didn't Sarah care?

"Sarah, I don't think you understand. Your husband…"

Sarah cut across her from the doorway without turning to face them. Her voice was crisp and harsh. "I understand perfectly."

Lady Grantham twittered happily as Sarah dressed her.

She just couldn't process the information. It wasn't true. How could it be?

It took a long time to create the waves of the new hairstyle her ladyship had wanted this morning, the new fashion. Sliding the pins into Lady Granthams hair Sarah stared out of the window, unseeing, not paying attention to what she was doing.

"Ouch! O'Brien watch what your doing" Lady Grantham sounded un-necessarily exasperated.

Sarah snapped.

"Fer God's sakes, It's Mrs bloody Knight!"

Her ladyship gasped and turned around, ready to berate her maid for such insolence.

Sarah stood wide eyed at what had just slipped from her own mouth. Her pulse raced unpleasantly.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean…Oh!" Sarah broke off abruptly at the sudden pain in her stomach. She involuntarily shuddered and found her ladyship standing face to face with her.

"Sarah?" Her ladyship's voice was kind and soft, unbearable.

Sarah exited the room quickly. Leaving Lady Grantham half dressed and surprised at her maids sudden outburst.

That afternoon Sarah sat in disgrace at the servant's table sewing. Anna had been set up to help her ladyship. Mrs Hughes was caught between sympathy and anger, Sarah's reaction to the news this morning had been completely unexpected. Elsie had been expecting tears or at least the need for a hot cup of tea, but that wasn't really O'Brien's style.

The servant's dinner came all too swiftly.

It wasn't dark outside and the heat prickled everyone, not helping with the general mood of the house.

Sarah ate very little and fought the pain her chest and stomach. Breathing felt complicated. She supposed this was what they called a delayed reaction. Elsie noticed Sarah's clutched white fist on the dinner table next to the plate and reach over to touch it softly with her hand. It was obviously the wrong thing to do. Sarah took in a deep, shuddering breath and felt tears beginning to run down her cheeks.

Damn the humiliation.

She sobbed for a moment before attempting to excuse herself. Elsie put a firm hand on her arm to stop her. The table was silent, unsure of what to do.

"No, please don't…I can't stand yer pity"

Sarah pushed herself up from the table with difficulty and walked quickly out of the servant's door, with the intention of making her way back to the river cottage.

Daisy brought the tray of potatoes in and stared at the floor in confusion.

"Has someone hurt themselves?"

Elsie turned around to look where the kitchen girl was looking and found a terrible lump stuck in her throat. Little splatters of red blood dotted the wooden floor, in a trail that lead from the table to the door. She let out an appalled gasp and turned to look at the empty seat next to her, the sight that met her eyes was sickening. The floor around the chair was sticky with dark blood. Anna leapt out of her seat next to it with a panicked yelp. Carson looked on the verge of another collapse. Elsie stood up with shaky confidence and began setting orders for everyone.

"Daisy telephone the doctor, Charles please help her, Millie and Jane will you both go to Lady Grantham and Lady Mary's rooms and do your duties as best you can." Elsie pause, trembling with foreboding "Anna, come with me."

Elsie raced out into the grounds and saw that Sarah was not too far from the cottage. The poor woman was obviously struggling. Anna ran ahead and was at her side in an instant, Sarah tried to push her away, muttering that she was alright, nothing was wrong… when the pain unexpectedly became unbearable and she screamed in despair.

6:32

Elsie helps a struggling Sarah to undress.

The baby bump is more than obvious once the corset is off.

Daisy unsteadily makes Carson a cup of tea in the servant's kitchen. They can hear the screams from the cottage as loudly as if they were there.