"We're suggesting Chemo for her." The doctor, who they normally come to see for, Anna said. Elsa had learned his name to be Dr. Greg. He was short and not so old but not so young either. He always looked tired, but he never failed to smile as much as he could when they were around. Anna liked him.
"Chemo…That's the drug that…makes her hair fall out?" The doctor chuckled slightly and glanced at Elsa.
"Most of the time, yes, hair lose occurs. Sometimes it will just make your hair a lot thinner. But that's not all it does, Elsa. The therapy attacks rapidly growing cells and that sometimes does mean your hair has to go. But it also…"
"Wait." Elsa said stopping him and looking over in the room where Anna was sitting on her bed. She was dressed in her hospital gown and swinging her feet back and forth, looking bored. "We should talk about this with her. I'm not good at remembering a whole lot, it's best if you just explain it to the both of us." Elsa smiled and the doctor nodded. They went back to Anna's room.
"It's a four week process." The doctor was saying. "On the first day we give you the three types of drug's I was telling you about but on the second and third day you only take two out of the three. Fludarabine and cyclophosphamide." Anna sat with her knees pulled her chest staring at the doctor and listening to what he was saying though she couldn't promise that she understood anything. "Then you're free for the next 28 days or so." The doctor went on, he kept smiling at both of them. Anna wondered why, going into Chemo mean's this was getting worse. Why was that something to smile about?
Once they got out of the hospital with the information to come back next week to start the Chemo, Anna was just tired. She pulled out her phone, texting Kristoff the update like he asked her to do. He had things to do and couldn't make it to the appointment with them. Every day, Anna felt weaker. Some nights she sat in bed and she thought about what the people who knew her would do if she died. Would they miss her? What would her funeral be like? Would it be like her parents', where the whole world seemed to come? People she didn't even know?
People would post all over the place about how "loved" she was. People she never talked to, people she hated, would say things like 'I wish I would have been better to her' or 'I wish I knew her better.' It would be disgusting. She didn't know if she could take it. Maybe that means she would have to get through this. She would have to go through Chemo or Radiation or whatever they decide to put her through. She would have to live. Just like Kristoff keeps telling her.
With all this mess Kristoff was part of the reason she was still sane.
At Kristoff's apartment, Anna was snuggled up next to him while the watched the movie that was playing before them. Though neither one of them were watching it, they were both busy thinking about something else. They thought about it because they couldn't bring themselves to talk about.
What was there to talk about? Anna thought to herself as she fell into rhythm with Kristoff's breathing patterns. I have cancer. I'm going to die. I'm going to lose my hair and then die. She felt hopeless. She didn't want to do anything. What was the point of going to school or talking to anyone anymore? They would try and act like they understood. Then again, did she really understand it? What was going on inside her body?
"Tons of people survive this stuff." Kristoff mumbled, throwing her breathing patterns out the window. But it was like he was reading her mind. Except not really, he was probably thinking just the same thing she was.
"I don't want to talk about it, Kristoff." Anna said slowly biting down on her lip.
"You can't just ignore it." He told her.
"It's kind of hard to ignore. I'm not ignoring it; I just don't want to talk about it. Not right now. I'm watching a movie." She sucked in a deep breath before sighing heavily.
"Anna, please talk to me." He pleaded. Anna pushed herself off his lap and turned so she could look at him, muting the TV as well.
"What is there to talk about, Kristoff? I'm going on Chemotherapy…I'm going to spend more time in the hospital and I'll be…tired, I don't know. I have no idea how this works. But if you want to talk about it….Then I'll tell you what I do know…I'm afraid." She started. "Before I found out I had cancer I felt like I couldn't breathe sometimes and now I take that literal…I research things day and night trying to get a better understanding of it. I do more studying on cancer then my school work. My grades are dropping. Elsa doesn't sleep because she checks on me every ten minutes; I want to be okay for Elsa…and for you." She placed her hand on his cheek and frowned. "But I'm not okay…"
"You're going to be." He told her, pressing his lips to hers lightly. "You can't think that you're never going to be okay. That is not the Anna I'm used to" He told her.
"It's not the Anna I wanna be." She muttered. "But I'm sick…"
"You're going to get better. You just have to keep on with what the doctor's tell you to." He told her, running his thumb softly over her cheek. She couldn't help the smile that appeared on her face, it was hard not to believe him when he talked like this. She was going to be okay.
"Thank you." She told him. She lay herself back down on his chest and turned the TV up again.
"I don't know how to keep her happy." Elsa muttered running a hand through her hair.
"Well, just keep her busy. It's hard to keep someone happy, but you can always keep someone busy. And if they're busy they may not be happy, but they have no time to be sad" Meadow told her. They were sitting at Elsa's house on the couch. Anna was with Kristoff and Meadow had some time away from Logan so they met up here. "Elsa, everything's going to be okay."
"That's what I keep telling her but she always has an excuse! She's so stubborn and I don't know how to…I can't make it better…I can't!" Elsa closed her eyes and hung her head. Meadow pressed her lips in a thin line and took Elsa's hand in hers.
"Elsa, doll. Please don't cry." She pleaded. Elsa looked up at her, her eyes slightly red and wet. "You can't save everyone." Meadow muttered.
"I don't want to save everyone." Elsa whispered. "But if I could just save her...because she deserves it..." Meadow smiled sadly and nodded slowly.
"I know, it's unfair. And Anna probably thinks it's unfair as well. She probably wishes she could save you sometimes. Mostly because that's the kind of person Anna is. But she has you to look after her and Kristoff is there for her. And I'm here for you. And Kristoff is here for you and Anna isn't gone." Meadow squeezed her hand.
"Thank you, Meadow." Elsa mumbled, wiping her slightly wet eyes with the back of her hand. "I just wish everything was better…Normal." Elsa muttered.
"Nothing's fun if it's normal." Meadow teased, earning a slight grin from Elsa. "Come on, let's not talk about anything like that. I'm here to make you in a better mood." Meadow leaned in closer to Elsa and kissed the tip of her nose. Elsa smile grew.
"Then what do you have planned?" Elsa asked her. Meadow smirked and ran and hand through her ginger hair.
"Lots of things, oh where to begin?" Meadow bit on her lower lip and looked away from Elsa, looking around the house.
"Wait, can I ask you something?" Elsa asked. Her heart was pounding and she didn't exactly know how to ask but it was worth a try. Meadow looked back at her and nodded.
"Sure, what is it?" She asked.
"When…when Anna was with Hans and he kissed me…it wasn't Hans I was into." Elsa said slowly. Meadow nodded and Elsa went on. "It was the kiss…I was…I was tired of being alone, you know? I mean, I don't know. I saw Anna with him and suddenly…I want him. I know…That's wrong. But I'm not sure if it makes me completely insane or just...not…ready."
"It doesn't make you insane or not ready. It makes you jealous. It's normal, Elsa. And…it's different with me, don't you think? It's real. It means something this time, doesn't it feel different?" She asked her.
"That's what I'm worried about." Elsa said slowly. "I'm worried that it is the same…I don't want to do that again…That Jealousy thing? I still feel awful about it…I don't even know what it's like." Elsa said, shaking her head. "I don't want this to be the same thing."
"Well, I am not Hans." Meadow said. "And I'm not a cheater, and I would never do that to you or Anna…"
"But how do I know that?" Elsa muttered. "I still know almost nothing about you, Meadow."
"Okay…Why is that such a big deal to you?" Meadow asked her. Elsa looked at her, wide eye and a bit in shock.
"What do you mean, why is it such a big deal? It's a big deal because I don't want to be in this relationship with a stranger…"
"I am not a stranger, we've been over this. We've been friends for weeks and we went on a trip together for two weeks…We've kissed before. I don't know what you consider a stranger…"
They never kissed. She had it wrong.
"Meadow…I don't want to fight with you…"
"I'm trying the best I can to help you get through this, Elsa. I know you're going through a lot right now and I get that…but…"
"But what?" Elsa asked, daring her to finish. Elsa was on her feet now and staring down at Meadow on the couch. "It's…too much? I'm too much? Too much of a mess to stick around for? Too much of a mess to care about…"
"That's not what I was going to say." Meadow said, standing up feeling too small when she sat down and she stood. "You're not a mess, Elsa. You're just…." Meadow shook her head. "I don't know…"
"You don't know?" Elsa asked, feeling her stomach squeeze making her feel sick.
"Maybe you're right, maybe this was a mistake." Meadow picked up her bag throwing it over her shoulder.
"I never said it was a mistake! I just need more time!" Elsa yelled.
"I don't have all the time in the world, Elsa." Meadow muttered, walking out of the living room and soon after Elsa heard the front door shut.
For a while, she just paced the living room trying to clear her thoughts. But it wasn't satisfying enough. She walked to the kitchen sorting through the cabinets. When she didn't find what she was looking for she pull up a chair and stood on it, getting to the highest cabinet and reaching to the very back before her hands closed around a bottle.
Later in the night Anna came home from Kristoff's apartment and closed the door slowly. She was careful to be quiet, hoping Elsa was asleep already. Maybe she would stay like that. Anna made her way up the stairs and tiptoed towards her room but then saw Elsa's light on. She stopped, wondering if she was awake.
"Elsa…?" Anna said slowly. The door swung open and Elsa smiled at her. It was crazy how fast the smell of alcohol traveled from Elsa's room to all around the house. Anna's face hardened and she stepped back abruptly. "Oh, Elsa." Anna muttered.
"I screwed up..." Elsa muttered swallowing and her eyes not focusing on her sisters face. "I had a fight with Meadow...I didn't mean to and I tried not to make her mad, but I screwed up and I don't know how to fix it because she won't answer her phone."
"I think you should come to bed." Anna said, slowly stepping towards her and taking her sister's hand and taking the bottle from her other hand and setting it aside. "You fought with Meadow?" Anna asked her softly.
"I'm a mess and she hates me." Elsa cried, falling backwards onto her bed with Anna by her side. The younger girl helped her lay down and pulled the blankets over her.
"She doesn't hate you." Anna assured her, smiling slightly. "Why would you think she hates you?"
"Oh my gosh, Anna!" Elsa sat up suddenly and smiled at her sister. "Remember the other night when you told me that you're dating Kristoff?" She asked.
"Uh...Yeah."
"I forgot to tell you something in return."
"What do you mean?" Anna raised an eyebrow pressing gently on Elsa's shoulder to make her lay back down.
"Meadow almost kissed me." Elsa mumbled, closing her eyes and smiling softly. "I didn't let her but I was going to. And if she tried again I would let her."
"You're dating Meadow?" Anna asked, surprised.
"I think so." She opened her eyes again and then frowned. "But not anymore. Because we got in a fight." Anna nodded her head slowly.
"What was the fight about, Elsa?" She asked her.
"I'm a mess and I screwed up." She said softly.
A/N: Ugh, sorry for this really late update! To be honest I've almost lost confidence in where this particular fic is headed. I keep reading over the next chapters (I have 20 planned and then an epilogue) and I just don't feel so great about them.
But I'm going to change some things and talk myself into continuing because I'd hate to just abandon it and even if it does suck at least it's done, right? I hope you're all enjoying it anyway. :3