Disclaimer: See previous chapters.
Yes, I borrowed the chapter name from JKR, but it was really the only thing that seemed to fit. Sorry it took me so long to post – this chapter was very hard to write. I think you'll see why. I'm not entirely happy with how it turned out, but here it is anyway!
That night, Harry slept fitfully. He was wandering through the forest, and it was cold. Wrapping his arms around himself, he shivered as he continued to stumble through the trees.
What am I doing here? he wondered. After a few moments, he found the clearing where he had surrendered to Voldemort – the place that he gave up his life to protect those he loved. The ring would be somewhere nearby, but he was determined not to look for it. He didn't think he could bear to see the faces he had lost as they congratulated him on his victory. He didn't feel victorious. Ginny's plea that he remember the living echoed in his mind, and he turned to stumble out of the forest. This was a place of the dead. Lingering here would not help him move on. He went forward, following the path out of the trees; not sure what he was really seeking.
xXx
"Harry?" The voice seemed to call to him from far away, but the familiar scent that greeted him told of how near Ginny must be. It sounded as though she was speaking to him through a long dark tunnel – and Harry fought a moment of panic as a feeling of claustrophobia set in. His eyes were like lead as he tried to open them. A blanket was draped across his shoulders, but only the pressure of her hand on his – the contact of their skin – told Harry that this wasn't a dream.
With a gasp, his eyes flew open. "Ginny!"
"I'm right here, Harry," she answered; relief evident in her voice.
He looked around. He was sitting on the ground – a large, blurry white mass before him. Squinting, he tried to make out its shape. "Where am I?"
"Sitting in front of Dumbledore's tomb." He felt her hand gently caress his cheek. "It looks like this time you really were sleepwalking." He could hear a smile in her words, though worry remained around the edges. He turned his head to look at her, disconcerted when her features would not come completely into focus. Raising a hand to his eyes, he immediately found the answer.
"Must've left my glasses behind," he mumbled. Ginny laughed softly.
"C'mon Harry, its freezing. Let's get you back inside." He nodded in agreement and they stood – Ginny locking one arm protectively around his waist. Light from the soon to be rising sun touched the horizon with a faint tint of grey as the stars went back into hiding.
"How long have I been out here?" He winced as his bare feet found a particularly sharp rock, and Ginny steered him slightly to the right as she tried to find the smoothest path.
"I dunno," she answered with a shrug. "I'm just glad I found you." Harry found that he was too tired to question her further, and they maintained a comfortable silence the rest of the way back to the castle.
As they were climbing the stairs to his dorm, Harry was reminded again how unfair it seemed that she could enter his room, but he was forbidden from seeing hers. He shook his head, and voiced his opinion to Ginny, who shrugged. "It's just like yours," she said, "but with more mirrors." When they reached the door, Harry kissed her lightly on the cheek.
"Go back to sleep," he told her.
"Not yet," was her reply. "I'm going to make sure you're safely tucked in bed first. Don't worry about class this morning," she added, "I'll tell Flitwick you're not feeling well." He started to reply that he was feeling just fine, but Ginny suddenly placed her hands on her hips, looking for all the world like her fierce mother. Harry, knowing better than to argue, raised his hands in submission before going over to the door. She followed closely behind. At his querying look she said, "I told you, I'm not leaving until I'm sure you're back in bed."
Harry fought a laugh. "Alright – if that will make you happy. You just better be sure that Ron doesn't see you. He'd have a fit."
Ginny rolled her eyes. "I could parade an elephant through that room, and Ron would never hear it." Harry smiled.
"You're probably right." He opened the door for her, and she swept quietly into the room. She stood beside his bed, and waited patiently for him to climb in. After ascertaining that his glasses were indeed still on the nightstand, Harry leaned back against his pillows. Looking into Ginny's brown eyes, he suddenly wished that he could sleep again with her in his arms – as he had that night in the Burrow. Ginny ran a hand through his hair, and Harry felt his eyes close against his will at her soothing touch.
"Go to sleep," she whispered in his ear. He mumbled something in acquiescence as his body began to relax. A question surfaced in his mind just as sleep started to overtake him, but he was too exhausted to ask it.
How did you know where to find me?
xXx
It was 10:00 am when Harry finally awoke. Ginny had been right – it looked like Charms was the only class he would miss today. His stomach rumbled with hunger, but breakfast was long since over. After dressing hurriedly in his robes, he made his way to Headmistress McGonagall's office – standing mutely before the gargoyle as he realized he didn't know the password needed to gain entrance. Luckily McGonagall came around the corner at that moment, sparing Harry from guessing.
"Potter," she said, somewhat surprised to see him there, "Is there something I can help you with?"
He looked down at his feet for a moment, fighting to keep his voice even. "I was wondering if you happened to have a list of the… casualties from the battle. I didn't get a chance to look at them after… And I just wanted to be prepared for the ceremony."
McGonagall nodded curtly, and as Harry glanced up, he noticed tears welling up in her eyes. His gaze retreated to the floor again as she motioned to the gargoyle. This time it was she who struggled with a breaking voice. "Of course. I should have a copy in my office." Harry was too busy pushing away the tingling numbness that was settling over his limbs to hear the password, and soon found himself in the Headmistress' office. His eyes avoided the pictures on the walls today, though no applause seemed forthcoming – however, had he glanced up, he would have undoubtedly seen admiration shining in their eyes.
"Here you are, then." Harry took the rolled piece of parchment with one shaking hand. "I would suggest having company around when you read it." He nodded. "This list is the most up-to-date. Some names have been added in the previous few months." Harry looked up at her in shock. A tear slid down her cheek. "Some of the patients transferred to St. Mungo's didn't make it." Without a word, Harry turned and left the office. He stumbled into the Gryffindor common room and sank into one of the armchairs, taking deep, calming breaths. When the portrait opened, he was not surprised to find Ginny at his side. They both had a free period until lunch, and he was sure she came to check on him. He held the list up to her, and she put it in her pocket.
"C'mon, Harry. We're not reading this here. Let's go outside." Harry allowed her to pull him through the halls, dimly aware that Ron and Hermione followed dutifully behind. For a moment, it looked like Goyle was going to make a nuisance of himself, but Ginny wordlessly pulled out her wand and hexed him with her famous bat-bogey curse. Harry dimly wondered when she'd become so good at non-verbal spells, but the thought didn't linger.
They walked out to the lake, settling on the now familiar rock at its edge. It took some doing to get all four of them to fit there, but when they were comfortable enough, Ginny unrolled the parchment – took a deep breath – and began reading names. They were only a quarter of the way through the list when she shook her head, unable to speak. Hermione leaned over her shoulder and gasped.
"No…" she breathed. "Why didn't anyone tell us?" She raised a hand to her mouth, looking as though she would be sick. Ron and Harry looked warily at each other before Harry reached out to gently pry the parchment from Ginny's hand. He scanned down the list, and when his eyes fell on the name, his vision blurred with tears.
Cho Chang – devoted friend. Attacked by Fenrir Greyback – succumbed to her injuries four days later.
"What?" Ron choked as he sat back again in shock. He reached an arm around Hermione, and she turned to sob into his chest.
The list slipped to the ground as tears poured down his cheeks. Harry wanted to run – to hide from the grief that threatened to overwhelm him. Stumbling to his feet, he headed into the Forbidden Forest again. It took a few moments for his friends to notice his absence, and he ignored them as they tried to call him back. He started to run, stumbling on the raised roots of the trees. Only when he reached the clearing did he allow himself to collapse in despair. Sobs wrenched his chest as he wrapped his arms protectively around himself, drawing his knees up. It was all supposed to end here! he cried. He lay there, waiting for the world to end as he contemplated that night. He had been frightened of the knowledge that he was about to die – but part of him felt a huge sense of release. He had not wanted to die, but he was willing to sacrifice himself to save his friends. And I would have been with my family again.
A voice whispered gently in Harry's ear. You will be with us again, my brave boy. He opened his eyes, frantically searching the clearing for the spirit of his mother, but she was nowhere to be seen. He closed his eyes tight against the pain as she continued. But you are not meant to be here yet. You still have people who care about you – who love you. And you will have a family of your own to raise, Harry. He thought of Ginny, followed closely by a small red-haired girl, and a boy with messy hair and glasses. An older boy walked along with them, teasing the first – who appeared to be his younger brother. Harry's sobs calmed as he watched the scene. His mother's voice came to him one last time as the tender moment faded. I will see you again, Harry. But you must promise me that you will live your life – that you will not always grieve for us.
I love you, my precious son.
"I promise," he said, his voice breaking. "I love you, too." Harry wiped his face, though the tears continued to fall. He was spent – unable yet to move from the forest floor. Footsteps echoed through the leaves behind him, and he sighed as Ginny sat down next to him, tenderly lifting his head to rest in her lap. She silently ran a hand through his hair. His voice was a whisper as he traced a circle pattern on her knee with one finger. "Would it be alright with you if we named our daughter Lily?"
If Ginny was surprised at his confidence in their having a daughter, she didn't show it. "Of course," came the loving reply as her hand moved over his back.
"I heard her just now – my mum."
Again, Ginny showed no signs of surprise.
"I promised her that I would move past this – keep living my life." Ginny didn't reply as she kissed the top of his head. Harry sighed. "It's just a bit harder than I expected it to be." He stopped tracing her knee and let his hand come to rest under his head. "I know I should be happy. Voldemort is dead; he's not coming back this time – but so many have lost a father, mother, child, brother…" his voice caught as he thought of Fred, "or sister because of his actions. Look at Ted – he lost both of his parents before he had a chance to get to know them."
"But he has something you didn't, Harry."
"What?"
"You as his Godfather. You'll be able to identify with him the way that few others can." Harry contemplated this as he lay on the forest floor – a comfortable silence falling over them.
xXx
It never failed. When something unpleasant loomed in the distance, time had a way of speeding up. Before Harry knew it, he was seated with his friends – Ginny at his side with her hand firmly in his – in the middle of the crowd of students. Kingsley Shacklebolt was the officiator of the ceremony, and quickly unveiled a large, white marble slab cut into the shape of the Hogwarts' crest. It stood next to Dumbledore's tomb – the marble matching exactly. Harry couldn't make out everything that was carved on the slab, but Kingsley began by reading the portion at the top.
"This monument is dedicated to the memory of all those who perished in the Battle of Hogwarts – the last struggle for victory over the Dark Lord. May they rest forever in the peace they have so valiantly earned." He pulled a piece of parchment from his robes, and – just as Ginny had done a few days before – took a deep breath before beginning.
As each name was read, a witch and wizard on either side of Kingsley raised their wands to fire sparks into the sky – corresponding with the house colors of the one who had fallen. There were so many casualties from Gryffindor that the sky seemed to be raining red and gold stars – though each house was represented.
Harry sat very still, and dropped his eyes as he listened. He was determined to remember not the deaths of those on the list, but the good they had done in life. One of the hardest moments he had to face came near the middle of the recitation.
"Nymphadora Tonks Lupin – beloved wife and mother. Killed by Bellatrix Lestrange."
He could see her at the headquarters of the Order, changing her facial features into those of different animals, which had caused Ginny to nearly choke on her food.
"Remus Lupin – loyal friend and father. Killed by Antonin Dolohov."
Harry thought of the private lessons he had during his 3rd year – and how he had enjoyed hearing about his parents from their old friend. He could only imagine how much trouble the Marauders were making in the afterlife, now that they had been reunited. The names continued, and Harry held his breath – waiting for the name he had fought to have added to the list.
"Severus Snape – brave warrior for the cause. Killed by Voldemort."
Green and silver shot into the clouds. No happy memories of Professor Snape seemed forthcoming, so Harry recalled instead the unseen actions that the man had taken to bring about Voldemort's downfall. Kingsley went on. The last name he called triggered a loud sniffle to Harry's right, and he squeezed Ginny's hand.
"Fred Weasley – beloved son, twin, and jester. Killed by falling debris."
Harry couldn't stop a smile as he remembered how much trouble the twins had caused Umbridge – the red and gold sparks flying through the air reminded him of the fireworks they had unleashed on the school as they made their grand getaway.
"May their memories live on in us," Kingsley said as he led them in a moment of silence.
Harry raised his head to the sky, where the tributes to the fallen faded into a rainbow haze – the house colors mingling together. Grateful that the pain in his heart was finally down to a dull ache, he closed his eyes and felt the sun warm his face. A voice echoed in his mind.
I love you, my precious son.
"I love you, too," he whispered as a solitary tear slid down his cheek.
I hope you don't hate me for killing Cho. I didn't like it, but felt that it had to be done.
I promise we won't be stuck forever in floods of angst. I just had to get Harry through all the stages of grief – he'll be doing better now. More excitement will come in the next chapters! There's a villain about ready to make an appearance, and he/she is up to no good:-)
Rubs hands together evilly…