"I wonder why we're here," Tina said aloud to the glee members that were assembled in the choir room.
"All I can say is that it better be nothing like our last meeting. I can't participate in any more pranks; the stress is wreaking havoc on my complexion," Kurt spoke up.
"I don't understand why glee club is over," Brittany said in a puzzled tone. "I thought coming in third place was super good. When I was seven, I put on a spelling bee in my basement and I got a bronze medal. It made me so happy."
"Who were you competing against?" Santana asked.
"My toys and stuffed animals. I should have won, but my Teddy Ruxpin and Cabbage Patch Doll were way too smart."
"I must be losin' my damn mind," Mercedes rolled her eyes heavenward, "because I think I'm actually going to miss Brittany's insane ramblings."
Brittany put her hand over her heart. "Thanks Mercedes. I like your hair too."
Mercedes shot the group a look that said, See what I mean?
"Relax guys," Finn said, "Rachel should be coming any second. Her text said to meet at 3:00. In Rachel time, that means she won't be here until at least 3:15 pm."
"I heard that," Rachel as she breezed into the room with a plate in her hands. "I'd get mad at you, but it's a well-known fact that I like to make an entrance."
Rachel set the plate down on the closed piano lid. "Thank you all for agreeing to meet here. Since we've all been feeling down lately, I decided to bring my ooey gooey, decadently glazed, and admittedly terrible for you, sugar cookies."
The glee kids made yum noises.
"Hurray, Rachel baked," Puck said mimicking their reaction from the doorway.
"Nice of you to show up," Finn commented. "What's with the stuff?"
Puck looked down at the computer bag in his left hand, and the clipboard in his right. "Nunya, as in none ya business."
Puck put the computer bag next to the plate on the piano. "Now," he said, "Everyone grab a cookie, and then shut your word-holes. We have some things to take care of, and not a lot of time to do it in."
The glee members filed to the front to partake in Rachel's baked goods, while Puck opened the computer bag, took out a laptop, and some other equipment. He moved the laptop so that it was facing the folding chairs, connected some cords, and then pushed a few buttons until he got a good video link.
Quinn's face popped up on the screen. She was lying in bed at her mom's house, and she was dressed in flannel pajamas and a blue bathrobe. Her hair was brushed, and she had a nice color to her cheeks despite looking a bit tired.
Puck could see her tapping a fingernail to her own screen. "Is this thing on?" she asked as she bit her lip.
"Yup," Puck said. "We're good to go."
Quinn cleared her throat. "Okay. Hi guys," she said while waving at the camera.
"How did you get Quinn to fit in that tiny box?" Brittany wanted to know.
"Hey girl, you look good," Mercedes said to her friend.
"I miss you all," Quinn told them.
"Maybe it's the pound of sugar that's now coursing through my veins," Kurt said while pointing at his half-eaten cookie, "but I'm confused. What the heck is going on here?"
"It's simple," Puck began to explain. "I wanted us to talk as a group. Since Quinn has to stay home and rest for a few days, I figured this camera was the next best thing."
"What do we need to discuss? Rachel, do you still want to do that musical tribute thing for Mr. Schuester?" Matt asked.
"I would like to honor our musical leader, but not necessarily through song. Puck thinks he has a better idea, and I happen to agree with him," Rachel said while smiling.
Don't stare at her lips. Don't stare at her lips…or anywhere else for that matter, Puck had to chastise himself.
If he stared at her lips, then he would get distracted thinking about their kiss in his room last night. Or the kiss he had stolen when he saw her this morning. Or the one that had occurred when they had both skipped lunch…
Puck rubbed his hands together to get back focus. "Alright guys, I have a riddle for you to solve. What's pathetic, useless, comes in a group of twelve, and is either sitting in this room or being skyped in right now?"
"Eggs?" Brittany guessed.
They all stared at her.
"I think he's talking about New Directions," Artie corrected.
"Rachel's cookies were already making me feel bloated, but now my body is swelling even more with self-loathing. What a way to cap off such a stellar week," Kurt commented in a depressed tone.
"I can't believe I brushed my hair and put on eyeliner for this," Quinn muttered on her side of the camera.
"Hold on a sec," Puck told them, "I wasn't finished yet. I'm not saying we're pathetic for coming in third. Losing at Regionals does not make us losers—cry-babies and whiners maybe. But, I definitely think that judge politics, and Josh Groban's perviness worked against us."
Rachel caught Puck's eye, and they both shuddered internally in remembrance of the things they had heard during their eavesdropping session.
"What I am saying is that our reaction to the outcome has been embarrassing. Instead of trying to change things, we're in here boo-hooing about how life is unfair because our little club is being taken away. Honestly, I feel like kicking myself in the nads…that's how disgusted I am."
"I'll do that for you," Finn volunteered.
"No!" Rachel said in a voice louder than she intended. "I mean, no one is going to be kicking anyone anywhere." As if almost by reflex, she snuck a quick glance in the direction of Puck's jeans.
Puck smirked, and Rachel blushed. Puck knew that she was still hesitant about "exploring their physical relationship" (her words, not his), but her reaction meant that she was at least thinking about it and didn't want Little Puck damaged in any lasting way.
"What do you want us to do?" Santana asked out of impatience. "Figgins has already made up his mind."
Rachel stepped forward. "If I may interject, what Noah is proposing is an uprising of epic proportions. We need to find some way to convince the student body, the parents, and the school board, that this club is not just a group of a dozen students that enjoy singing and dancing. With our varied interests and backgrounds, we represent all the major factions of this learning institution. We can use that to our advantage. I have called the appropriate sources and arranged for a school board meeting next week complete with media coverage. In order to change Figgins' decision, we need to fill the auditorium with students on the night of the meeting."
Puck cut her off, "Let me translate that into normal English. Here's what needs to go down. We have to show the punks in this place that glee club needs to stay. We also have to put butts in the seats when the Channel 4 news van rolls up. So, we're gonna use what we got."
Puck looked at the notes he had written on his clipboard, and then pointed at Santana and Brittany. "You two need to get the Cheerios to come to the meeting."
"In case you missed the memo," Santana said, "Ms. Sylvester brought us in here to destroy glee club."
"Right," Rachel answered. "But, her plotting against us took up a lot of time and energy. Imagine how vindictive Sue can get if all her attention is focused on the Cheerios. To Sue, glee club is like a pressure valve that allows her to let off some steam. Just think about how awful she will be with no such outlet. The pressure will build up to critical mass levels and then it will explode…and do you know who that meltdown is going to be directed at?"
Brittany gulped. "Me?" she asked.
Rachel nodded. "And the rest of the squad."
"We'll get the Cheerios on our side," Santana assured the group.
"Cool," Puck said. "Now, Kurt—"
"Way ahead of you. I'm in the process of texting the Fashion Club as we speak. They would love to get some of the looks we've been putting together, like glittertards—a leotard covered in glitter—on camera. My TPM is higher than anyone else I know so I'll be done soon."
"TPM?" Quinn asked.
"Texts per minute," Kurt informed them all.
"You keep at it." Puck scanned the room. "Okay, Mike and Matt can talk to the football players. Finn can talk to the basketball team, and the soccer dudes."
Mike looked hesitant, "I'm not sure the guys would be willing to come."
"You can coordinate with me," Santana came up with a solution. "Tell the guys that if they don't go, their cheerleader girlfriends will not be happy. Remind them that unhappy girlfriends mean no nookie."
"If no one else wants to, I will take on the burden of talking to the girls' sports teams," Puck started to say.
Rachel shot him a look that said she clearly objected.
"Okay, Finn can do that. I'll use some of my patented persuasion skills to get all the nerds to come," Puck made the motion of pounding one fist into another.
"I'll talk to the Bible Club," Quinn volunteered. "They keep sending me notes saying that they are 'praying for my soul' so I might as well put that connection to good use."
"Amen," Puck responded.
"I'll convince the AV club," Artie spoke up. "Maybe we can put together a slide-show or something that can be played during our presentation. And, if I come across any other cripples, I'll be sure to let them know too," he said wryly.
"Er…okay. Anybody else?"
"Mercedes and I can target minority students," Tina offered. "I can also speak to the goths."
"I know none of y'all want anything to do with the Hip-Hop club, so I will take care of it," Mercedes told them.
Puck consulted his list again. "Okay. Rachel told me before that she is going to bring the ballet club."
Rachel nodded. "I am also willing to nag, irritate, and just plain annoy anyone else—stoners, AP students, bilingual club members—until they agree to back our cause."
Puck grinned. Those groups didn't stand a chance. Rachel was highly exasperating when she wasn't even really trying, but when she put her mind to it…well, let's just say those groups were doomed.
"Now that we have student based organizations taken care of, we need to talk parental involvement. My dads are willing to show their support and speak to some other parents. Do you think any of your parents would be willing to do the same?"
Kurt raised his hand, "My dad for sure. He's had to visit this school before to defend me. He perhaps wouldn't like the term, but he throws a mean hissy fit. His last tirade against discrimination was impressive to say the least."
"My mom would," Finn said.
"Mine too," Quinn added. "She has a lot of wasted time with me that she wants to make up for."
The rest of the glee members agreed that they could probably get their parents to come and to call other parents too.
"Great. I think we've settled everything we needed to. We should probably set up a time for another meeting to get a progress report. Don't forget to start talking to your assigned groups right away. Use whatever means necessary: logic, bribery, pleading, blackmail, threats, minor acts of violence that leave no visible injury that a jury could convict you on, intimidation, or other forms of subterfuge," Puck thought about the nun-chucks, pepperspray, and bullhorn sitting in his locker, "to get the intended outcome."
"Uh Noah," Rachel said, "We still need to discuss one other important thing."
Puck ran through his written and mental checklists. He didn't think he had forgotten anything.
"What?"
Rachel looked at him like he was missing the obvious. "A speaker. We need to decide who is going to give a speech at the school board meeting."
Puck did vaguely recall Rachel mentioning this to him.
"I just assumed you were going to do it."
"Well, that's what you get for ass-uming."
Puck let out a fake laugh. "Good one, not."
"Please excuse the pedestrian humor, but this is an important topic. We need to find a speaker that can represent glee club to the fullest."
"Rachel," Puck pointed at her, "You are glee club. You care about it the most. You get the most solos. You eat, sleep, and breathe the stuff."
"That's precisely why I should be disqualified as a candidate," Rachel replied.
"I think I speak for everyone when I say, HUH?"
"I'm too involved. Everyone knows that I'm crazy about glee already. Plus, as you have mentioned on several occasions, I don't always have the most likable personality. Besides, we need to show the school committee members that this club has a broad appeal, and is not just for theater freaks like me."
"Fine." Puck looked around to see who he could pawn this off on.
"Finn?" he said aloud while on the inside he was calling him "Sucker!"
"I would, but I'm too tall for the podium in the auditorium. I had to stand behind it during one of my English classes to read a paper, and the other students said I looked like a giant. I think it would be too distracting."
"Damn you Frankenteen," Puck muttered.
He looked for the next victim. He couldn't ask Brittany—for obvious reasons. Santana drew a finger across her throat, so Puck knew not to go there. He could ask Mike or Matt, but for some reason, those two just didn't talk very much. Artie was probably a no go due to his wheelchair. Tina was shy. Mercedes was a bit too sassy. Quinn was still recovering, and Kurt would probably show up in a glittertard.
Rachel was the only suitable choice.
He turned back to look at her. "Come on Rachel, you can do this. It doesn't have to be some big deal. All you have to do is go up to the microphone, greet the guests, and thank them for coming. Then, while Artie's slideshow is playing in the background, you just talk about glee. Don't overdo it, just say that glee is a fun club and Mr. Schuester is a great teacher. Talk about the friends you've made and the positive impact that performing has had on your life. Next, talk about what school would be like without it. After that, we can all come out and sing a song. Bada bing, bada boom, you're done."
When he was finished, Puck expected Rachel to quickly agree to give the speech. Instead, she was facing the rest of the group.
Puck didn't like the way they seemed to be communicating with just their eyes. It was very Children of the Corn.
"So, we're agreed?" Rachel asked.
Puck could see them, even Quinn, nodding their heads.
"It's settled then. Noah will give the speech," Rachel said cheerfully.
If Puck had a sound machine that could accentuate this moment, he would use the RRRPPPPP sound that one gets by dragging the needle on a record player across a record (a sound used quite effectively on Happy Days, not that Puck was a big fan or anything).
"Hold up," he said, "Slow your roll. Stop the music, and stop the bus cause I want to get off. I am not giving the speech."
"You just said that is was no big deal," Rachel reminded him.
"For you. It's no big deal for you. I've never given a speech in my life."
"Trust me; if you can sing a solo, then you can give a speech."
"I'll be bad at it. I'll probably swear. I'll drop the F-bomb, the S-bomb, or the D-bomb.
"D-bomb?" Kurt wondered.
"Dill-hole, dumbass, dickwad, dipshit…it varies depending on my mood," Puck told him.
"You are not going to use profanity," Rachel told him. "I am going to help you write a speech and practice reciting it."
"I'll probably mess up," he warned her and the rest of the group.
"It's fine if you do, just say what you feel. Like you said, it's a tiny little presentation, and then we'll sing a song. It'll be a piece of cake. This was your idea after-all."
"It still doesn't seem fair," Puck said under his breath loud enough so that Rachel could hear.
"Alright, I have a way to settle this," Rachel replied.
Great. Puck figured that she was going to flip a coin or something.
Rachel raised her voice, "Who wants to be the student speaker at the school board meeting next week?"
Before Puck even had time to blink, Rachel raised a finger, touched her nose, and shouted, "NOT IT!"
Artie was the first to mimic Rachel's actions. He was followed quickly by Tina, Mercedes, Kurt, Finn, and Quinn. After a hard nudge from Santana, Brittany put her finger to her nose, and pretty soon all the glee kids were doing it.
Except one.
Puck hadn't followed suit.
He was stunned. He had never lost at "Not It" in his entire life.
He felt betrayed. Puck was the one who had showed Rachel how to do it in the first place (It had happened the first night they had ordered take-out, and he didn't feel like cleaning up).
He had never thought it would come back to bite him.
"This is dumb," Puck said trying to save himself. "We can't let a stupid game decide something so important," he scoffed.
Rachel cleared her throat and lowered her finger, "Do you remember what you said when you introduced me to Not It? I too, insisted that it was a stupid game, but you said…"
Puck lowered his head. He knew when he was beat.
"I said it wasn't a game, it was a code to live by."
Rachel smirked. "Exactly. You can't go against the code, so I guess you're stuck."
"Fine, I'll give the lame-ass speech."
"You'll be great," Tina said encouragingly.
"Don't worry if you suck. It's not like they can cancel the club a second time," Finn teased.
"I would love to stay and bask in the warmth of your friendship," Puck said sarcastically, "but I need to see Rachel in the hallway for a second. So, talk amongst yourselves."
Rachel shrugged, but followed him out into the hallway.
As soon as the door was shut, Puck pulled Rachel into a deep kiss.
After ten seconds, she pushed against his shoulders lightly and he lifted his head.
"I thought you were going to be angry with me," she said confusedly.
"I am," Puck assured her as he went straight for her neck, and began kissing it hungrily
"You are?"
"Furious." Puck nibbled a spot behind Rachel's left ear.
Rachel wanted to ask him a question, but then she forgot. She always had trouble thinking when Puck did that.
Puck took a few steps forward, and stopped when Rachel's back went flat up against a locker.
"I…I'll…help you write the speech if you want," Rachel managed to get out.
"Are your dads gonna be home tonight?" he whispered the question in her ear.
It took her a moment to even remember what day it was.
"Th…they...have salsa lessons tonight. They won't be home until after eight."
"Good," Puck said as he continued his assault on her neck. "If I come over now, we should have plenty of time."
"To write the speech," Rachel reminded him.
"Yeah, that too." Puck's hands slid down and settled comfortably on Rachel's hips.
Rachel frantically looked around the hall, and was relieved to see that the coast was clear.
"Noah, we should probably go back into the choir room."
Rachel's face was completely flushed and she was feeling overheated. More than anything, she wanted a sip of water or maybe even a cold shower.
"Come on Rachel, where's your sense of adventure?"
She jerked her head towards the door, "It's in there, let's go find it."
Puck laughed. "I don't typically like an audience, let's do it out here."
"What!" Rachel squeaked. "We're in a place of learning."
"I bet I could teach you something new. I'm an expert when it comes to format, timing, and length" Puck said with confidence.
Rachel pointed to the choir room. "Our classmates are right on the other side of that door."
Puck silenced her momentarily with a kiss on the lips.
He pulled back slightly, raised an eyebrow suggestively, and said, "We wouldn't even have to take our clothes off…"
Rachel hesitated. Puck could be persuasive when he wanted to be.
As Puck leaned in for another round, Rachel stopped him.
"Let's go to my house," she hissed at the exact same moment Puck finished his thought, "Instead, we can put our thinking caps on!"
"What?" Rachel said feeling the heat drain from her body. She was coming back to reality. "Thinking caps?"
Puck stood up straight and blinked innocently. "I'm pretty sure we'll need them when we write the speech."
"So, you've been talking about the speech this whole time?"
"Of course, I'm a dedicated person. I even offered to work on it right here and discuss structure and timing, but it seems like you had something else in mind. Who would have thought that Rachel Berry would consider stealing my virtue in the hallway."
Rachel smacked him in the shoulder in an effort to cover her embarrassment. "Virtue? What virtue would that be? Being a jerk?"
Puck pretended to clutch his heart with his hands, "Ouch Rachel; that stings."
"You got me all hot and bothered, at school no less, for the purpose of deception. Move out of the way," she told him, "I'm going to go get Finn and tell him that he can kick you in the groin after-all."
"Hold on," Puck held his ground. "I propose a truce. If you promise to help me with the speech, I promise not to distract you with my animal magnetism and rock-hard arms on school grounds. It's not my fault that women find me irresistible." Puck stuck his hand out so that Rachel could shake it.
Rachel rolled her eyes. "My Prince Charming."
"I think we're even now. You used Not It against me, and I had no choice but to retaliate. In other related news, I'm not mad anymore."
Rachel could see his point. She finally shook his outstretched hand. "Fine, we're even. But, we're going to work on the speech in the library. I think that will cut down on the number of distractions."
Puck knew the lingo. In other words, Rachel was telling him to keep his lips to himself, at least for the time being.
"Let's grab our stuff and then head over," Rachel said.
As Rachel started to open the door, Puck had one lingering question stuck in his mind.
"About that invitation to your house tonight…" he started to say.
"Rescinded," Rachel shot him down quickly.
"Duly noted," he replied.
Oh well, Puck thought as he re-entered the choir room, it had been worth a shot.