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Stardate 50679
Father and Dad seem to be getting along fairly well now, ever since they worked together to save the Nezu colonists from the traitor in their midst. Father still doesn't "get" Talaxians, although he seems much more accepting of their traits in me than he does in Dad. Obviously, Dad's a full-blooded Talaxian, and I'm approximately half that. I do have many Vulcan traits, of course. When I'm around Father, especially when I'm on duty, I do my best to emphasize my Vulcan heritage. It's always a bit of a struggle. I smile a lot, even on the bridge. I just do my best to hide it from Father by turning away from him when it happens.
Another reason he's more lenient with me is undoubtedly because I'm Father's son, even though Dad's in there, too. However, unlike his totally Vulcan children, whose mother is Father's honored spouse T'Pel, Father's only connection with Dad, apart from the obvious fact they both live on Voyager, is through me. I wasn't created out of love or lust. I was fused into being by a transporter malfunction, with the assistance of a very unique orchid with symbiogenetic reproduction properties. I'm an accident. I'm happy to say Father does not hold this against me, but he doesn't have the same attachment to Dad that he has to the mother of his children in the Alpha Quadrant. Before I came along, and often even now, he can barely tolerate Dad's presence.
(I should probably record that Dad isn't really a full-blooded Talaxian, either. In addition to that tiny bit of orchid DNA, one of his great-great-grandfathers was Mylean. That hardly matters in the grand scheme of things, of course, but my Vulcan half demands I mention this fact. I don't feel a need to delineate the exact percentage of Dad's genome to the hundredth or even thousandth percent, however. If Father ever chose to make a similar entry in his personal log, I have little doubt he would. Maybe to the hundred-thousandth.)
To return to my main point, Dad more than tolerates Father. He has great respect for him. He's very grateful for the way he handled Dad's missteps on the Nekrit Expanse Supply Depot. Dad knows that if he'd remained in Wixiban's sphere of influence for too long, he'd slip back into the dubious ways he survived after the Metreon Cascade wiped out our family on Rinax.
Dad loves to tease his "Mr. Vulcan." He's always trying to encourage him to "lighten up" and "enjoy life." Father does enjoy life, but since it's culturally inappropriate for him to show it openly, Dad can't see that he does. Captain Janeway has known Father for a very long time. She can see when Father is pleased by something. I'm getting quite good at it myself. Father works hard at his emotional control. I know the fires that burn within him, which he must suppress every day. His inner Romulan could explode in every direction, and at any time, if he did not rigorously control his temper through Vulcan meditative practices. From the memories he's shared with me during our mind melding training sessions, as well as those I inherited at the time of my advent, I'm very aware of that fact.
Dad can be a little too "Tom Paris" at times. They both like to hide their true feelings behind jokes and a devil-may-care attitude to avoid getting hurt. Tom is a little more successful at this, partially because he will admit this about himself when something happens that requires an honest appraisal of his behavior. His behavioral turn-around after Father helped prove he didn't kill the Banean scientist, Tolan Ren, is a good example of this. He examined what he called his "cherchez la femme" behavior, realized it was getting him into trouble, and toned down the way he came onto the women to whom he was attracted. He backslides sometimes, but the true Tom Paris is the man who helped the human B'Elanna Torres through the hell of the Vidiian mines, an organ-processing factory at its heart, when they were captured with Peter Durst. Ah, well, that Banean memory is from Father. It's not one of my own. That look into Tom's mind has always stuck with me, though, unlike many other memories I seem to have lost.
Tom and Dad didn't get along very well in the early days on Voyager because Dad thought Tom was attracted to Kes. Dad was surprised that Tom freely admitted it to Dad, when they were on what Tom now calls the "horror house planet." That was when they helped a little reptilian baby survive until its parent could rescue him. That day, Tom also told Dad that despite this attraction, he had no intention of ever acting upon it. He respected the bond Dad had with Kes, and he wasn't about to try to steal her away. They've been friends ever since.
And that brings me to the real reason I'm putting this down in my log tonight. Since half of me was Dad, I was just as attracted to Kes as Tom was, maybe more. I don't share any of Tom's personal memories, the way I do Dad's and Father's, so I can't know for sure. When I was created, and Dad and Father were sharing my body in a way, that love Dad had for Kes drove me, too. I wanted to be with her in all ways. I loved her. Kes kept me at arm's length because I wasn't her Neelix. I was a combination of her lover and her mentor. When she saw me, she saw her losses, not Tuvix.
When Dad and Father returned to their own bodies and I was given the opportunity and privilege to live an independent life as Tuvix, I had to control the feelings I'd had for Kes. After all, Dad was back, and he was one of my parents. It was clearly inappropriate for me to harbor any romantic feelings towards her. She was Dad's girlfriend.
At first it was very difficult. I had Dad's memories of their intimate encounters and couldn't expunge them from my mind. It was fortunate I had Father to guide me. A primary focus of my initial lessons in meditation was to control my romantic feelings towards her, redirecting them into filial terms, since I fully expected her to become my mother. While Father and I have never spoken about this openly in words, when he's training me in mind meld techniques, it all comes out. His emotional control was invaluable as I transformed my love for Kes into that for a mother, rather than a potential mate.
Then Tieran happened, and Kes terminated her relationship with Dad. Once she regained control of her own mind and body, I assumed she would return to Dad's loving arms after she learned to deal with the actions she took when Tieran possessed her body. Once she began to see other males, however, such as the Mikhal Traveler Zahir, I realized there was no real hope of a reconciliation between Dad and Kes. She'd turned some sort of emotional corner. Voyager's "odd couple" of the mature Talaxian and a very young and innocent Ocampa was no more.
It took a few months for me to finally accept this. I would be lying if I claimed the thought of wooing her for myself never crossed my mind. Whenever I did think of that, however, I became very uncomfortable. I heard Harry and Tom laughing over something called the "Ick Factor," and when I looked it up in the database, I realized that's how I felt about romancing Kes. In my quest to see her as a mother figure, I'd lost any attraction I had for her as a woman. She's still lovely, of course, and to most people, she exudes a sweetness that can sometimes become cloying. I never noticed it while she was with Dad, but I can see it now.
Kes almost seems too nice, sometimes, but there's a brutal strain in her, too, which emerged when Voyager discovered the Suspiria's space station. After Tanis, the Ocampan leader of the station, tutored her in mental techniques, she lost control of her psychokinetic powers. When she was trying to increase the rate of growth of the plants in her airponics bay, she destroyed them instead. During a regularly scheduled mental training session with Father, when she was trying to boil water, she boiled his blood instead. Perhaps Tanis' influence had something to do with those incidents, but maybe there's more to it than that. I sometimes wonder if her mental abilities could make her go rogue someday, under another being's influence, or all on their own, which would put everyone on Voyager in danger. Even thinking about that has certainly had a chilling effect on my former attraction towards her.
Since the breakup, she's been distancing herself from Dad. She indicated they would "remain friends" when she told him their affair was over, but when Dad was in Sickbay, after he broke his leg in the fall when his piton broke, I never saw Kes ask him how he was doing. When Dad was being treated for oxygen deprivation, a concussion, and a laceration while we were in orbit over the Nezu colony, Kes interacted with him only in her professional capacity as the Doctor's assistant, and provided barely the minimum of care at that. I confronted the Doctor afterwards, and he admitted he'd given her some leeway because of her "history" with Dad. I was not satisfied with the Doctor's response and told him so. Dispensing medical care was her duty, and from what I saw that day, her performance was deficient.
Where others see sweetness and light, I now see a shadow, a coldness I would never have expected to perceive in Kes. Dad is willing to make excuses for her; I am not. Any feelings I might have had of a romantic nature are quite as dead as those plants she'd killed, months before my advent, under Tanis' influence.
I have no idea who else might be an appropriate partner for someone like me. I'm very sure I'm the only Talaxian-Vulcan-orchid hybrid in existence in this universe - or in any others, if they exist. While that doesn't mean I'll never find a person who will become everything to me, as T'Pel is to Father, I very much doubt I will find that person currently dwelling on Voyager. There aren't any established couples on this ship right now. Tabor and Jor, former Maquis who are very close friends, have not admitted to being lovers, although the "rumor mill" asserts that they are. I know Tom would very much like to be much more than friends with B'Elanna, but if they've actually become that close, they haven't advertised it to the crew at large. And that's about it.
Everyone knows this trip to the Alpha Quadrant will last for decades, unless some sort of miracle takes place. Right now, I'm content. My Vulcan nature may be keeping my Talaxian physical urges under control. From what I've come to know of myself, a sweet young innocent would not be my first choice for a mate. I'd rather be with someone as vibrant as B'Elanna Torres. From the self-deprecating way B'Elanna talks about herself, I don't think she understands why Tom and Vorik would be attracted to her. I certainly can see why they are. Since I'm pretty sure she'll end up with Tom someday, I'll have to look elsewhere to find someone to please me.
I just need to be patient.
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