A/N: Thanks for your patience. I was on a roll and actually finished out the story (plus an epilogue) but then I decided I sorta hated some of it and it took me a little longer than I wanted to clean it up again. But I'm good now and there's only a few chapters left so I hope you enjoy!
_

Don't do this Kate. Do not do this.

She keeps repeating that mantra to herself over and over again but it barely seems to be working.

She can feel herself panicking. Pulling away. Rebuilding the wall, brick by brick, despite her best attempts not to.

And she doesn't even know why. She loves him. God she loves him. More than she ever expected to or wanted to but she does.

And now, when she pictures her life...it's their life...together.

But that doesn't mean she isn't still Kate Beckett. Damaged Kate Beckett. So ridiculously, deeply damaged.

"Earth to Kate...Do you want to go or not?"

She shakes her thoughts as Castle looms over her, nudging her feet propped on the coffee table.

"Huh?"

She can't even pretend she was paying attention because she wasn't listening to him at all. She's barely talked to him over the past week. Ever since she found that receipt and her mind decided to go haywire.

"Your apartment...the moving guys dropped off a bunch of boxes...do you want to go pack some up? I can pack, you can watch?"

She shakes her head and tenses as she waits for his reaction. He's been wanting to pack up her place for weeks now and she just...can't. Now more so than ever.

"Kate...we're kinda running out of time...we can hire people to do it but you said you wanted to do it..."

This isn't helping. She knows he's just being thoughtful but right now she needs her mind to stop turning against her and telling her that she's feeling overwhelmed. And Castle, being here, all the time, being helpful and sweet and considerate is making it all worse.

"Castle, I said no..."

She can see him hang for a minute and then nod, turning and heading off into the kitchen with a heavy silence in the air.

She doesn't touch it, just lets it linger. Keeps telling herself to stop self destructing. Not when they are so close. Not when things are so so good.

She can do this. She can quiet this doubt and these hesitations and turn the corner and be OK with all of this.

She can.

"So do you want to do anything today or just...hang here?"

He hands her a glass of ice water that she didn't even ask for but he knows she's been hot lately and dehydrated and he just thinks of these things because he's Castle.

He's sweet and compassionate and looks adorable dressed in his worn Green Lantern t shirt and casual jeans and his hair is floppy and covering his forehead. He has a day or two of stubble on his chin and she knows she's staring at him.

She can do this.

"Are you in labor right now because you're kind of freaking me out..."

He raises his eyebrows to her in question and she reaches out and tugs on his jeans, pulling him down onto the couch.

She just needs to quiet the commentary running through her stupid head.

"Kate?"

She silences his question with her mouth, pushing it hot and heavy against his, parting his lips quickly and exploring every single inch of his mouth with her tongue. She can feel him moan slightly as she shifts her weight closer...a monumental task at this point...and her hand clamps down on his inner thigh.

He weaves his hand into her hair, pulling her mouth even tighter against his, nibbling at her lip and leveraging his mouth so he's consuming every possible inch of her.

This is working. Her mind is shutting down. This is working perfectly.

She tugs on his t-shirt, a sign that she wants it gone and he peels it off immediately, giving her access to run her mouth and teeth along his collarbone and feel the strength of his chest under her fingertips.

They haven't done this in a few weeks. She's been exhausted and feeling gigantic and last time they attempted it, Castle decided he was ruining the baby forever and couldn't complete the task.

She's turned on but this isn't really about her. She just wants him. She wants to remind herself how much she craves every single of inch of him.

She can tell he's a little lost as to what is happening as she unbuttons his jeans and continues to bite her way down his neck and shoulders.

"Bed?..."

She shakes her head and reclaims his mouth, trying to figure out a way to shift weight from the couch to in between his legs without looking incredibly unattractive in the process.

He begins to remove her top, a tight grey tank but she stops him, using his arms as braces as she swings her legs over his lap and straddles him the best she can.

She runs her hands through his hair, pulling his face to her neck and rocking softly against his thigh. She can't get the leverage she needs but it's working enough to make her moan into his ear and she feels his respond, growing harder and tighter against her hip.

She slips her knees inbetween his on the couch and slides herself in front of him, her hands latch onto his jeans as she works the zipper and pulls on them, signaling for him to raise his hips up for her to remove them completely.

"Kate that can't be comfortable..."

She ignores his concern and slips her hand through the slit of his boxers and grabs him hard. He practically jumps off the couch and groans as she twists her wrist, already feeling him wet at the tip.

She pulls his length out, letting her mind shut down completely as she takes in the sight. This is good. This is so good. She loves driving him crazy, reminding herself how well they work together. She does this to him.

She works her lips up his inner thigh, his hand on her shoulder and tied into her hair as she continues to work his base with one hand and hover her mouth dangerously close to him.

He pulls back suddenly and she snaps her eyes open at the sudden withdraw, looking at him in question.

"Kate, you don't need to do this..."

Seriously? Her mouth is inches from his throbbing length, her hand wrapped tightly around him and he's telling her no?

"It just...it feels wrong?"

She releases him from her hand and leans back onto her calves and watches him tuck himself back into his boxers.

She's fighting the tears in her eyes, the hot burning and he must notice because he immediately back tracks.

"No I mean...not wrong...it felt...amazing...but...it can't be comfortable for you...lets go in the bed?"

She brushes off his hand that reaches out to help her off the ground and doesn't even look at him as she turns and heads out onto the patio.

"Just forget it Castle...moment is over..."

She can see him hang his head into his hands and sigh as she shut the door behind her.

Her mind racing all over again.

Maybe she can't do this.