Simpsons vs. Harry Potter Survivor
Episode 13
Brian: Thirty-six days ago, 16 people, eight from Springfield and eight from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, arrived via plane to this remote area of Egypt along the Nile River. They had to learn to adapt, survive in the wild and work together to win challenges all while surviving tribal council every three days when one person was voted off the island. We have had shocking early exits, such as Ron Weasley and Homer Simpson, and some survivors who exceeded expectations, such as the survivor voted off last night, Vincent Crabbe.
Now, with only three days remaining, only four survivors are left standing: Hermione Granger and Neville Longbottom from the Hogwarts Tribe and siblings Bart and Lisa Simpson from the Simpsons Tribe. All four have taken different routes and used different strategies to get to this point.
From day one, Bart was focused on forming alliances and jockeying for position in the tribal politics. His early alliance with Moe and Nelson was instrumental in getting Milhouse and Flanders voted off early in the game and made him the most powerful and influential member of the Simpson tribe.
At first, Bart's sister Lisa was not interested in alliances, but rather in being a vocal team leader with a strong sense of integrity who kept other tribe members on task. These conflicting approaches to the game led to conflict between Bart and Lisa that lasted throughout the first half of the competition. However, ever since the merger of the two tribes into the Sphinx Tribe, the two Simpson siblings have made up and have been on the same page. Will Bart and Lisa keep working together long enough for them to be the final two survivors?
Hermione Granger is known as the brightest witch of her age, and she has certainly needed every bit of that knowledge to stay in this competition. Her smarts have been instrumental in winning both team and individual challenges throughout her 36 days here. She has also demonstrated an ability to hang with the best of them in the more physical challenges. However, perhaps her greatest accomplishment here has been figuring out the mystery behind the snake attack that injured Luna Lovegood, forcing her to withdraw from the competition. Can she finish what she started and win the million dollars?
Of the final four, the one who has arguably endured the most to get here is Neville Longbottom. For a sizable chunk of this competition, Neville was under the influence of Draco Malfoy due to a powerful Imperius Curse. Thanks to Harry and Hermione, that curse has since been broken and Malfoy was sent packing. Since then, Neville has largely been under the radar, forming a small alliance with Crabbe. That alliance was dissolved yesterday when Neville won immunity and turned against Crabbe after Crabbe revealed that Neville voted for Hermione in an earlier tribal council.
Four castaways…three days…one million dollars….only one Survivor! Who is it gonna be? Now that my long-winded introduction is over, let's find out!
Day 37
(Bart and Neville are out fishing by the Nile River. They each catch a few fish in silence before Neville speaks up.)
Neville: Sure is quiet around here…
Bart: Yeah…I don't know about you, but I'm ready for these final few days to be over with. I miss Springfield, my bed, and greasy fast food. I even miss Springfield Elementary, but not that much.
Neville: I'm not sure how to feel right now. I mean, I'm glad to be going back to Hogwarts soon, but at the same time, I've kind of grown attached to this place.
Bart: Seriously?
Neville: Absolutely…I've lived at this camp since day one, and it's almost become a second home, albeit a much emptier one now.
Bart: Meh…I kind of see what you're coming from, but I still can't wait to get out of here. What are you going to do with your money?
Neville: That depends on how much I get. I'm really interested in Herbology, so maybe I'll open up a magical plant shop on Diagon Alley.
Bart: Where?
Neville: Diagon Alley is like the wizard equivalent of a shopping mall. Anything magic-related that you need, you can find it there. (Bart nods in understanding) What about you? What are you going to do with your money?
Bart: I'm going to get myself a really kick-ass car…maybe a Porsche or a Lamborghini.
Neville: Now, I don't know much about Muggle culture, but aren't you supposed to be sixteen before you can drive?
Bart: Hasn't stopped me before.
(While the boys continue to fish, Lisa and Hermione are relaxing by the spring.)
Lisa: Are you sure we shouldn't be gathering more food?
Hermione: I checked our supplies this morning, and between the four of us, we should have more than enough for the final three days.
Lisa: What about the shelter?
Hermione: What about it?
Lisa: Do we need to make any adjustments to it?
Hermione: Lisa, relax….When I first arrived at Hogwarts, I was a little too uptight myself. Trust me, being worried all the time is not worth it. Besides, we're only here for a few more days.
Lisa: True...besides, I'm more worried about the challenges and vote at this stage.
Hermione: (sighs) That's one thing I'm NOT going to miss about this place. (Just then, Bart emerges from the forest.) Care to join us Bart?
Bart: I'd love to, but I'm actually here to tell you guys that Brian is at our camp for the next immunity challenge.
Lisa: Already? (Bart nods) Well, let's go then.
Day 37: Immunity Challenge
(Brian and Neville are at the Sphinx Tribe shelter awaiting the others.)
Brian: So, what's the spell that makes things go through the air again?
Neville: Wingardium Leviosar. (Bart, Lisa and Hermione emerge from palm tree forest.)
Hermione: I hate to be a know-it-all, but it's actually pronounced Leviosa, not Leviosar. (Bart, Lisa and Hermione sit down beside Neville while Brian sits on the opposite side.)
Brian: Well Hermione, fortunately for you, being a know-it-all is an advantage for today's immunity challenge. I will ask each of you seven questions about your fellow castaways as well as the events that have transpired throughout the course of the game. You will each be provided with a marker and a dry-erase board to write your answer on it. (Neville, Hermione, Bart and Lisa each grab a marker, eraser and dry-erase board from a pile in front of them.) You will have ten seconds to write down your response. The person with the most correct answers wins immunity. In an event of a tie between two or more of you, I have three tiebreaker questions prepared. Any questions? (Silence.) Okay, then here comes the first question. Let's start with an easy one. On day 15, the Hogwarts Tribe was all set to go to Tribal Council when one of their tribe members was viciously attacked by a giant snake. Name the tribe member who was the victim of that attack.
[The four survivors feverishly write their answers down.] Brian: Time's up…reveal your answers.
[The four survivors turn their boards around. All four survivors respond with the answer LUNA.]
Brian: Correct. A point each for all four of you. Question #2 [Brian reaches into a box by his feet and pulls out a beer hat.] Whose luxury item is this?
[The survivors scribble down their answers then reveal them. Hermione, Bart and Lisa answer HOMER while Neville writes down MOE.] Everyone except Neville is right. The beer hat belongs to Homer Simpson. Hermione, Bart and Lisa have two points each while Neville has one point. Question #3: How many combined votes has Bart received at all the tribal councils?
[The tribe members take a while with this before writing down their answers. Lisa and Hermione come up with six while Bart writes down eight and Neville says ten.] Brian: The correct answer is….six. Bart received a vote each at tribal councils 1 and 9 and received two votes at tribal councils 4 and 11. A point to Hermione and Lisa. Hermione and Lisa lead with three points, Bart has two, Neville has one.
Bart: Only six? Ay caramba man, it felt like more than that.
Brian: Moving on, question #4: What was the reward that the Hogwarts Tribe received for winning the first challenge on day 1?
[The castaways write down their answers and reveal them. Hermione and Neville say a fire-starting kit, Lisa says fishing poles and Bart says pizza.] Hermione and Neville are correct. The Hogwarts Tribe won a fire-starting kit for successfully finding their supplies and campsite first. Hermione is now alone in the lead at 4 points, Lisa has three, Bart and Neville bring up the rear with two. Question #5: Another easy one for all of you. Who was the first castaway voted off?
[Bart, Lisa and Hermione write down RALPH while Neville writes down GOYLE.]
Brian: Everyone is right except Neville. Goyle was the first person voted out of the Hogwarts Tribe, but the 2nd person to leave the competition behind Ralph. With two questions left, Hermione has five points, Lisa has four, Bart has three and Neville is officially eliminated from contention with two points. Question #6: On day 20, we had a dueling competition for the reward challenge where three members from each tribe were pitted against each other. Name the three members of the Simpsons Tribe who competed in that reward challenge and put them in the order that they competed.
[The four castaways write down their answers, and all four of them have a different response. Lisa says Homer, Bart and Nelson. Hermione writes down Homer, Nelson, Bart….Bart writes down Nelson, Bart, Homer and Neville scribbles down Moe, Bart, Lisa.]
Lisa: (sees Neville's answer and laughs) Are you serious Neville? Could you imagine me in a jousting contest?
Brian: Four different answers, and the correct one belongs to….Lisa! With one question left, Hermione and Lisa are tied at five points apiece, Bart is officially eliminated with three and Neville still has two. Last question girls: For the third immunity challenge, the two tribes competed in a game of American Football. For the win, what was the final score of the game and which tribe won it?
[Lisa replies with 21-14, Hogwarts Tribe, Hermione says 21-14, Simpsons Tribe, as does Bart while Neville says 14-7, Hogwarts Tribe.]
Brian: Congratulations to…Lisa! The correct answer was 21-14, and the Hogwarts Tribe won the challenge. Lisa Simpson, for the second time, here is the immunity necklace. (Brian hands necklace to Lisa, who puts it around her neck. Lisa and Hermione shake hands after the competition.) I'll see you all at tribal council tonight. (Brian leaves camp and heads back to his motorboat.)
Hermione: Oh bugger! An immunity challenge that was perfectly tailored to my strengths, and yet I still came up short. Tribal council is going to be so nerve-racking. Congratulations to Lisa though, she won fair and square.
(After the challenge, Bart and Lisa are alone in the shelter discussing strategy.)
Lisa: So, you got the whole plan down?
Bart: Yep
Lisa: We're both in agreement then, right?
Bart: Yep…let's do it. (Bart and Lisa high five each other.)
Neville: Looking around camp, I kind of feel like the odd man out right now. The other three have fairly strong connections with each other. Bart and Lisa are siblings, Lisa and Hermione have become great friends and Bart had a brief crush on Hermione. Add in the fact that I was last in today's challenge, and I definitely vulnerable going into tonight's tribal council.
(The four castaways share a meal of fish and plants, the usual fare for the Survivor contestants, in near silence before grabbing their torches and heading off to tribal council.)
Day 37: Tribal Council
(Neville, Hermione, Bart and Lisa enter the hut with their torches and take their seats. Brian enters via the side door.)
Brian: Now, let's bring in the seven-member jury. (Ron, Homer, Draco, Moe, Nelson, Harry and Crabbe enter the hut through the side and take their seats beside.) Two of you will become members of this jury while two of you will vie for the million dollars in cold, hard cash. A couple of questions before we begin, the first being for Hermione. The climax of this game is upon us. Do you feel that the mood around camp sort of reflects the current situation?
Hermione: I think that's definitely the case. We had dinner just before arriving here, and very few words were said. It's not that we all hate each other, far from it. In fact, I daresay that I'll be friends with Bart and Lisa long after we leave Egypt. They are almost like the younger siblings I never had, and I greatly appreciate their support and friendship throughout the past month.
Brian: Excellent answer. Lisa, the last question for you, but I have a feeling I know what the answer is going to be. You currently possess the immunity necklace. Would you like to give it to someone else?
Lisa: Brian, at first I had no plans to give this away….until just a few moments ago. Hermione, I was really touched by your brief and speech and I, too, plan on being on your friend for a long time to go. Just as Bart and I are like the younger siblings you've never had, you are like the brilliant older sister I've never had. You are someone I can have an intellectual conversation with, and someone I come to for support. Therefore, I've decided that you can have the immunity necklace. (Lisa takes off necklace and hands it to Hermione. Hermione, smiling and with a tear in her eye, takes it and slowly puts it around her neck. Bart, on the other hand, is looking at Lisa with a "what the hell are you doing?" expression on his face. Lisa silently replies with an expression that says "don't worry.")
Brian: Well, it looks like Lisa just pulled a Nelson Muntz. (silence except for crickets.) Whatever, that was funny and you all know it. Anyway, it is now time to vote. Hermione, since you now possess the immunity necklace, lead us off.
[Hermione walks up to the voting booth, grabs a piece of paper, and writes down her vote for NEVILLE.] I'm sorry Neville, but you are the Weakest Link….Good bye! (laughs) I've always wanted to say that line just like Anne Robinson. (stops laughing) In all seriousnessthough, you are kind of the odd one out Neville. No hard feelings though. [folds vote in half and puts in bucket.]
[Shot of Bart voting, Lisa voting, and then Neville votes for LISA.] The last person to surrender the immunity necklace was voted off. My only hope of staying in this competition is if that happens again, but I doubt it. [folds vote and puts in bucket. Brian then tallies the votes.]
Brian: A very generous move on your part Lisa to give away the immunity necklace, but will it come back to haunt you? I will now read the votes. (opens up the bucket and grabs a vote) First vote is for…Neville…next vote….Lisa….third vote….Neville….two for Neville and one for Lisa with one vote left…(grabs last vote) The fourth place finisher and recipient of $25,000 dollars is….Neville! Bring me your torch, Longbottom. (Neville stands up and grabs his stuff and his torch. As he gives it to Brian, he looks confused.)
Neville: Oi, our currency in the wizarding world is galleons, sickles and knuts. What the bloody hell am I going to do with US dollars?
Brian: Don't worry, I'll hook you up with accounting and they'll convert the US dollars to wizarding currency in no time flat. With that being said, Neville Longbottom, the tribe has spoken. (extinguishes torch) You'll have to leave now. (Neville leaves out the side door.) and then there were three…Hermione and the Simpson kids….you three better get some rest because our final immunity challenge will be bright and early tomorrow morning. You may now head back to camp. (Hermione, Bart and Lisa grab their torches and head back to camp.)
Confessional
Neville: Fourth place out of 16…That's not bad at all. Lying low proved to be a rather effective strategy, especially in the early going where helping the tribe and doing your job was much more important than tribal politics. Unfortunately, I think I laid low a little too long, and that's what cost me today. Lastly, I'm with Hermione on alliances…I think that they're just rubbish, but at the same time they are an important and necessary part of playing the game. So, to sum it up, I'm happy with my performance, but it is disappointing to come this close and come up just a little bit short. That's all I got to say guys. (Neville gets up and walks down path)
Day 38
(The three remaining members of the Sphinx Tribe are abruptly awoken by the sound of an air horn. Still groggy, the trio get up and see Brian in his motorboat.)
Bart: (yawning) What the heck dog? It's the crack of dawn.
Brian: I warned you today's immunity challenge was going to be early, right? Hop in the motorboat and we'll head off. (Bart, Lisa, Hermione and Brian get in the motorboat and speed off down the James. The sun rises from the east during their long journey northward. Sometime later, they finally their destination: The Pyramids of Giza. They then walk for a ways, stopping in front of one of the larger pyramids.)
Lisa: Whatever challenge Brian has cooked up, it's bound to be a daunting one. I'm sure we didn't travel all this way for something simple.
Hermione: I believe that this challenge is a must-win for me. If Bart or Lisa win the immunity necklace, I don't see either one of them voting each other off.
Brian: Quite a sight, isn't it? One of the seven Ancient Wonders of the World! Everyone knows what they look like from the outside, but for today's immunity challenge, you three are going to see what it's like on the inside. Hidden inside this pyramid are three nearly identical immunity necklaces. However, only one of them is the real immunity necklace while the other two are forgeries. The first person to retrieve the real immunity necklace first wins immunity as well as the one and only vote at tonight's tribal council. Any questions? (All three castaways raise their hands simultaneously.) Uhhh….Bart, what's up man?
Bart: I may be a devilish prankster and a fearless skateboarding daredevil, but I'm pretty sure that this is totally unsafe. (Lisa and Hermione nod in agreement.)
Brian: I knew this would be an issue, so to ease your nerves, we've got a medical crew and a rescue crew standing by in case you have to withdraw from the challenge for whatever reason. Also, each of you will be provided with a map of the inside of the pyramid. However, the locations of the necklaces are not included on the map. Any more questions? (silence) Alright then, Survivors Ready…..GO!
[Bart, Lisa and Hermione sprint towards the entrance of the pyramid. With her longer legs, Hermione beats Bart and Lisa into the pyramid by a narrow margin. Camera crews follow each of the survivors as they go down separate passageways. Lisa takes the left passage, Bart takes a path through the middle of the pyramid, and Hermione goes to the right. The floor underneath Bart's feet suddenly gives way as he falls into a booby trap. Lisa, meanwhile, inadvertently finds a secret passage by tapping on a stone. Hermione makes a left turn and comes across a room filled with scorpions, spiders and poisonous snakes. Frightened and grossed by the sight, Hermione seriously contemplates going another way. However, on the other side of the room, she sees an immunity necklace resting on an old stone shelf. Mustering up all the courage that she can, Hermione grabs a torch at the entrance of the room and begins using it to fend off the snakes and insects. Checking in on Bart, he manages to find an escape route at the bottom of the booby trap. The route leads him deeper and deeper underground until he heads into an ornate room that appears to be the resting place of an Ancient Egyptian king. In the middle of the room is a coffin, and on top of the coffin lies another immunity necklace. Bart runs quickly towards the coffin, but then hesitates when he realizes this may be another trap. Going back to Lisa, the secret passageway leads her to a room full of old jars. Groaning at the thought of having to search all of these jars, she starts looking in the jars one by one. Fortunately, luck was on her side as she finds an immunity necklace in one of the first jars. She grabs the necklace and makes a mad dash back to the entrance. At about the same time, Hermione has grabbed the necklace she found and makes her way out of the room, but not before being stung in the right leg by one of the scorpions. She tries to run, but feels her right leg starting to go numb and has to slow to a limping walk. Meanwhile, Bart slowly grabs the necklace from the top of the coffin and feels the ground begin to shake underneath. He dashes toward the entrance to the tomb and makes it out seconds before the floor completely gives way.]
[Lisa is the first back to the entrance of the pyramid and sprints outside, crossing the finish line first and handing her immunity necklace to Brian. Brian inspects it for a moment before handing it back to Lisa.]
Brian: Lisa…..I'm sorry, but this is NOT the real immunity necklace. You are eliminated from the challenge.
Lisa: D'oh!
[About five minutes later, Bart runs out of the pyramid with necklace in hand. He hands it to Brian who looks over it thoroughly before handing it back to Bart.]
Brian: Bart…..I have to say that your necklace is…NOT the real one. It appears you took a bit of a nasty fall. Go over to the medical crew and get checked out.
[Brian, Bart and Lisa now wait for Hermione. Thirty minutes passes. Brian is about to send in the rescue crew to go find her, but then Hermione emerges, hopping on her one good leg. She loses her balance and falls on the hard sand, wincing in pain and grabbing her bad right leg.]
Lisa: HERMIONE! Bart and I got the fake necklaces! You have the real one!
Brian: She's right Hermione! All you have to do is cross the finish line under your own power and you win!
[Upon hearing this, Hermione gingerly picks herself up and resumes her one-legged hop. Completely spent, she has just enough energy to cross the finish line and claim victory.]
Brian: Congratulations Hermione! You've definitely earned immunity from tonight's tribal council. Go ahead and put that necklace on and go hop over to the medical crew so they can tend to your leg.
(Hermione puts the immunity necklace around her neck and is helped to the medical tent by Lisa. She lies down on a cot next to Bart, who has ice packs and bandages on his head, left arm and left leg.)
Bart: What happened to you?
Hermione: I got stung by a scorpion…you?
Bart: Fell into a booby trap. I got some scrapes and bruises, but nothing too serious. You must have had the real necklace. (Hermione nods) Congrats. (Bart and Hermione share a high-five. The medical crew then begins tending to Hermione's right leg.)
Hermione: I don't know how I did it, but somehow I won that challenge. Still, trying to figure out who to vote for between Bart and Lisa is tearing me apart. I'm closer friends with Lisa, but Bart has, in my opinion, proven to be the better competitor throughout the whole game. I also have to factor in the members of the jury and whether or not they would cast a vote for either Bart or Lisa. I'm just glad I have a few hours to make this decision.
Bart: So, which one of us you voting for?
Hermione: (looks over to Bart and smiles) Bart, you know full well I'm not going to give that away, right?
Bart: Yes, but there's no harm in asking. (Done with his treatment, Bart is released from the medical tent and heads back to camp with Lisa. Hermione is in the tent for a little while longer before she too is released.)
Day 38: Tribal Council
(Bart, Lisa and Hermione enter the hut and take their seats. Her leg still hurt, Hermione has to walk on crutches. Brian then enters via the side-door, followed immediately by the eight-person jury of Ron, Homer, Draco, Moe, Nelson, Harry, Crabbe and Neville. Ron and Harry see Hermione's crutches and look at her with concern.)
Brian: Well, here we are again after arguably the most dramatic and exciting challenge of the entire game. A challenge so dangerous that it left two of our three remaining survivors hurt. Hermione, you were hopping on one leg to the finish. What happened?
Hermione: I found the real necklace in a room filled with scorpions, rats and poisonous snakes. I was able to get across the room and grab the necklace, but on the way out the door, one of the scorpions stung me. My leg was so painful and numb that I just couldn't use it at all, so there's no way I would've beat Bart and Lisa to the finish. Fortunately, I happened to grab the right necklace and here I am. I should be able to use my leg again in the morning.
Brian: Okay, good to hear that it's not serious. Now, three of you are over there on the other side of the fire right now, but only two of you will be there 24 hours from now when we decide a winner. The other one will become the 9th and final member of this jury (points over to the jury to his left). Hermione, since you have immunity, it is up to you. You may go cast your vote when ready.
[Hermione hops from the seat, takes her crutches and slowly makes her way into the voting booth. She grabs the pen, looks at the blank sheet of paper before her and thinks. After what seems like an eternity, she scribbles down four letters, folds the piece of paper and puts it in the bucket. She then returns to her seat.]
Brian: I will now go tally the vote. (Brian enters the booth and returns quickly with the bucket.) In this bucket is the name of the final member of our jury as well as the 3rd place finisher. A reminder: The 3rd place finisher will receive $50,000 in cash. (opens the bucket and takes out Hermione's vote) and that $50,000 dollar payoff belongs to (unfolds the vote and reads it) Lisa Simpson! Bring me your torch please. (Lisa gets up, hugs Hermione and then hugs Bart before grabbing her torch and standing beside Brian) Lisa, you've put up a valiant effort throughout this competition, but today the tribe has spoken, or in this case, Hermione has spoken. (extinguishes torch) It's time for you to go. (Lisa exits via the side door) Bart and Hermione, congratulations! You have made it to the final day of this Survivor competition, and you both have a 50-50 chance of one million dollars. However, your fate is out of your hands now, and rests solely in the hands of these guys (points to jury) Head on back to camp. There is no immunity challenge tomorrow, so I will see you two at tribal council tomorrow night. (Bart and Hermione grab their torches and walk out of the camp.)
Confessional
Lisa: I'm proud of what I've accomplished here. Third place and $50,000 dollar in a competition like this is a very impressive feat for someone my age. With that being said, I had my sight set on winning it all from day 1, and to come so close to that goal and fall short is very heartbreaking to say the least. I don't know who or what persuaded Hermione to vote for me, but I'm sure she had a good reason to do so. I'm sure it was a tough decision, and now I've got a tough voting decision of my own to make tomorrow night. It should be a compelling finish to a compelling competition.
Day 39
(Bart and Hermione sleep in until noon. When they finally wake up, they walk out to the shore of the Nile together and just take in the scene.)
Bart: So, why'd you vote for Lis?
Hermione: (sighs) Well, I weighed all the variables in my head, but ultimately it went down to who played the game better and who earned a spot in the final two more, and I think you've definitely proven yourself worthy of this opportunity.
Bart: (smiles) Thanks Hermione. (silence for a few moments) Oh, by the way, I talked with Brian after the tribal council, and he said that we can light the camp on fire if we want to. What do you say?
Hermione: I'm certainly no pyromaniac, but there's nothing else left to do, so…..let's do it then.
(Bart and Hermione walk back up to camp, grab their stuff and then use their torches to set the campsite ablaze. They then begin the long walk to the tribal council hut. As they walk, sound bites from interviews with the members of the jury play in the background.
Nelson: I'm so psyched that Bart manages to make it all this way. He has been my best friend here in Egypt and no doubt we'll be best friends once we get back to Springfield.
Homer: (drinking beer and clearly intoxicated) Who am I voting for? Uhhh…I don't know, probably Obama again. ….Bart or Hermione? Who are those people? Are they running on the Green party ticket? If so, then they definitely have my vote…..What do you mean I can only choose one….why you little! (begins strangling camera guy)
Draco: Can they both lose? Is that an option?...No? Oh bugger!
Final Tribal Council
(Bart and Hermione enter the hut and take their seats. Brian is already waiting for them.)
Brian: Without further ado, here are the nine people that will determine which one of you will win the million dollar grand prize. (The jury enters in the order they were voted off: Ron, Homer, Draco, Moe, Nelson, Harry, Crabbe, Neville and Lisa.) Well, it has all come down to this. Tonight, we find out who wins Simpsons vs. Harry Potter Survivor. Before we vote, I'm going to allow each member of the jury to come up here and ask both of you a question so that they can make as educated a vote as possible. Ron, we'll start with you. (Ron stands up and walks to the middle of the hut)
Ron: First of all, congratulations to both of you for making it to this point. My question is what has been the most difficult part of the past 39 days and why?
Bart: For me, it has got to be the physical challenges. I'm not the worst shape, but at the same time my fitness levels have never been particularly high. If nothing else, I have a gained a much better level of physical fitness from participating in this game.
Hermione: In my opinion, the hardest part of this game is the tribal councils and the voting. To figure out who to vote off, you have to take so many factors into account, such as their performance in challenges, the work they do around camp, what alliance they are in, their personality, and so on and so forth. Last night, for example, was without a doubt one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make. I could've just as easily voted for Bart, but I didn't and I stand behind my choice.
Brian: Okay, Homer appears to have fallen asleep (sound of loud snoring) so we'll skip him and move on to Draco.
Draco: (snorts) I have no desire to talk a Muggle and a filthy Mudblood.
Brian: Draco forfeits his turn due to a chronic case of douchbaggery, so we move on to Moe.
Moe: I don't have any questions, but I do have something to say. Hermione, you still owe me three seashells for that coconut drink when you visited the camp.
Hermione: (confused) You said it was on the house.
Moe: What? A guy's got to make a living. Oh, and Bart, you prank call my tavern again, I'm going to put sausages in your pants and stick starving dogs in your butt! That's all! (Moe takes his seat)
Brian: Thank you Moe for those completely irrelevant comments. I will now turn things over to Nelson Muntz.
Nelson: Of course, you all remember me giving the immunity necklace to Bart, a move that ended up costing me my chances at one million dollars. While it was great to help out a friend, I do somewhat regret the decision as it ruined my chances of winning. So, my question is: is there anything that you've done during your time here in Egypt that you regret, and if so why?
Hermione: That's a good question Nelson. If I could take back anything, it would be not listening to Ron when he warned us that Neville may have aligned with Draco and his alliance. If I and the rest of the tribe had listened to him, we could have possibly cured Neville of the Imperius curse sooner and spared Luna from that horrific snake attack.
Bart: I seriously regret the conflict I had with my sister during the first half of the game. I think we both got so caught up in the competition that we did terrible things that we normally wouldn't do. I turned against my friend Milhouse, and Lisa used blackmail on Nelson to try to get him out of my alliance. It just goes to show how cutthroat and intense Survivor really is. (Nelson takes his seat)
Brian: Okay, next up is Harry Potter. (Harry stands up and walks up to the middle of the hut)
Harry: Well, I was hoping to be on the other side of the fire this evening, but both of you have earned your spot in the final two and I commend you both for your accomplishments. Bart, I know we've had our differences at times over the past month or so, but you came here to Egypt focused on winning it all and have been willing to anything and everything you have to do to get there. If this vote was based solely on who played the game the best, honestly, you would probably be the favorite. Hermione, win or lose, you are the love of my life and I look forward to spending much more time with you when this is all said and done!
With all that being said, my question is this: Out of all the castaways, which two would you pick to be in the final two besides you and your opponent?
Bart: This is an easy one for me. It's definitely Lisa and Nelson. If they were in the final two, I would have no idea who to vote for, but either way I would be happy with the result.
Hermione: Certainly, you, Harry, would be one of them. As for the other spot, I would give it to Luna because she never really had the opportunity to show what she is made of. Who knows? If she hadn't been injured, maybe it would be her up here and not me or Bart. (Harry sits down in his seat)
Brian: Vincent Crabbe, you're up. (Crabbe gets up and walks to the middle of the hut.)
Crabbe: I don't really have anything to say, so I'll get straight to my question. Hermione, pick a number between one and ten.
Hermione: (baffled) Uhhh…..seven.
Bart: Hmph….five!
Crabbe: Thank you! (Crabbe sits down)
Brian: A very concise speech, Crabbe. Neville Longbottom, come on down!
Neville: Getting to the point, my question is when voting in tribal councils, what are the factors that most influenced your voting?
Bart: All of my votes up to this point have been centered on alliances. Prior to each tribal council, I'd talk with whoever is in my alliance at that time and we'd come to an agreement on who to vote for. Half of the time that strategy worked, and the half of the time it didn't.
Hermione: The criteria I've used for determining my vote has varied from one tribal council to the next. Sometimes, it's about eliminating the weakest tribe member, and other times, as much as I hated it, I would vote based on alliances. Like Bart, my voting strategies produced mixed results, but that's to be expected I guess.
Brian: Last, but certainly not least, Lisa Simpson. (Lisa stands up and walks to center of room)
Lisa: Right off the bat, I got to say that, if I couldn't make it to the final two, I'm glad you two did. For my question, I want to get an idea of exactly what you think of the person sitting next to you. Therefore, my question is to give three traits that you think your opponent possesses.
Hermione: Clever question. Bart, in my opinion, is someone who is tough, determined and resilient. He isn't the most athletic person here, or the smartest or the most experienced in these types of situations. However, he's more than made up for that by constantly battling through adversity. He was close to being voted off 2 or 3 times, yet he always found a way to stay in the game, and I really admire him for that.
Bart: I can think of a lot of positive traits that Hermione possesses, but the three that immediately come to mind are intelligent, hard-working and compassionate. When Luna went down with that snake attack, she was the one who, for the most part, put the pieces together, figured out who did it and thought of a way to dispose of the criminal. When we were in the same tribe, she was always doing more than her fair share of work around camp, and I, on the other hand, did a little less than I should have at times. As for compassionate, I don't remember a single time the entire game where she was mean to anyone or stabbed anyone in the back. Also, her disdain for tribal councils is no secret. When the tribes merged, she became friends with pretty much everyone in the newly formed tribe, and hated having to vote one of them off every three days. (Satisfied with those answers, Lisa returns to her seat.)
Brian: Great questions jury, and equally great answers from you two. Now, for the moment we've all been waiting for. It is now time to vote. Jury, a reminder that you are voting for the person you want to win the million dollars, not the person you want to vote off. Repeat after me, you are voting for the person you want to win.
Jury: We're voting for the person we want to win.
Brian: Fantastic! Ron Weasley, lead us off.
[Ron walks over to the voting booth, grabs a piece of paper, and writes down her vote for HERMIONE.]
Ron: Okay, so she's not my girlfriend, so what? She's better off with Harry, and I'm better off with Luna. Besides, we're still close friends.
[Ron puts vote in bucket. Shot of Homer drunkenly voting, then Draco votes and shows it to the camera: HERMIONE] Draco: I cannot believe I'm doing this, but I'd rather see a Mudblood win than a Muggle. Just don't let it get to your head if you win Granger. [folds vote and puts it in bucket.]
[Shot of Moe Voting, Nelson Voting, and Harry Voting. Crabbe then picks up the pen and votes for BART.] Crabbe: By the way, the number I was thinking of was three. Sorry Hermione. [folds vote and puts it in bucket.]
[Shot of Lisa voting, and then Neville also casts a vote for BART.] Neville: Hermione is my friend and classmate, but ultimately this vote is about who played the game the best and who is most deserving of the million dollars. In my opinion, that person is Bart. [folds vote and puts it in bucket. Brian then walks into the booth to tally the votes. After a short while, he returns with the bucket.]
Brian: Before I read the votes, a reminder of what is at stake. A million dollars for the winner, and $100,000 for the runner-up. We've all waited 39 days for this one vote, so let's stop delaying it and get down to business. I will now read the votes. (opens bucket and reads first vote) First vote is for…Bart….Second vote…..Hermione…..third vote…Bart…fourth vote Hermione…fifth vote….also for Hermione….three for Hermione, two for Bart…sixth vote….Bart…seventh vote….Hermione….eighth vote…..Bart…four votes each with one vote to go….(pulls last vote out of bucket and unfolds it)…the winner of Simpsons vs Harry Potter Survivor….Congratulations to…(turns paper over) Hermione.
(Bart gets up and hugs Hermione, who is still seated there in a pleasant shock. The jury members walk over to congratulate the final two. Hermione is snapped out of her daze with a kiss from Harry followed by a hug from Ron. Bart shakes hands with Neville and Nelson and gets a congratulatory hug from his sister.]
Brian: Well, what a thrilling ride it has been! However, like all good things, it must now come to an end. Don't fret though, as we will soon return of a second season of Survivor. Unfortunately, I won't be hosting because I will be one of the competitors next season when a tribe of Seth McFarlane characters takes on eight residents of South Park in the Australian Outback. Until then, this is Brian Griffin saying… stay classy Internet! Good night!
END OF EPISODE THIRTEEN
Confessional
Hermione: Wow! That's all I got to say really. It's going to take some time for all of this to sink in. The victory, my newfound wealth, and all the friends I've made and experiences I've had. Just all of it. I'm proud that I won, but I'm more proud that I won my way and came out of all this with my integrity intact.
I don't know exactly what I'm going to do with the money yet, but I do know that I'm going to be much more popular around Hogwarts after this.
Tribal Council Voting
Whew, over 7,000 words later and I'm finally done with the finale! For those interested, here's a summary of the last three tribal councils.
#13
Candidate (# of votes)
Neville (3)
Hermione
Bart
Lisa
Lisa (1)
Neville
#14
Hermione voted for Lisa
#15
Candidate (# of votes)
Hermione (5)
Harry
Ron
Draco
Moe
Lisa
Bart (4)
Crabbe
Nelson
Homer
Neville