Hi guys! So I feel really bad for taking so logn to update lately, and unfortunately it might stay like this for a while. I'll try, though, I promise. I think this chapter's pretty good, so hopefully it was worth the wait!
Chapter Fourteen
The Penthouse Suite,
#400 East 67th Street
A long time ago, Rose had heard somewhere that God's promises are like stars; the darker the night, the brighter they shine. As she lay on top of her covers inside a locked bedroom with a bag packed up at the foot of her bed, she prayed that it was true. She'd been laying here, waiting for her chance to get out, for wait felt like hours. The timing had to be perfect, or else she might get caught, which would destroy any chance she had of making a getaway. All the while she could hear her mother and Cal banter on and on about what an embarrassing slut she was- that's all they'd been doing since they'd arrived back at the apartment after the party. She could feel her blood boiling over as she listened to what Cal had to say about her, but she wouldn't dare to even breath too loudly. Still, it was starting to become too much.
"I swear to God, Ruth," Cal seethed, for the tenth time that night, "You know you need me; I know you need me, but that arrogant slut of a daughter of yours had better learn it real fast, do you understand me?"
His words made Rose's skin crawl, mainly because the way he was speaking to her mother was the way Ruth herself had so often spoken to her. How could he blame this on Ruth? In a way, it made her feel bad, because there had been dozens of times during her youth in which Rose had wished such a thing on her mother, but now that she was experiencing it, it was different. She could almost feel the way Ruth would be sharply sucking in her breath and nodding, probably very much afraid of Cal, just as Rose had been so many times before. She also felt guilty knowing that she was going to live her mother with this man, at least for a time. Hopefully Cal would leave her well enough alone soon enough, but until then, Rose would carry a burden on her heart knowing what she'd done.
It wasn't like she had a choice, though, right? She couldn't stand to be with Cal any longer- her hatred of him was almost as strong as her love for Jack, and the two combined inside her were like a chemical reaction that resulted in an explosion.
"The audacity of that girl," she heard Cal continue. As soon as he'd sent Rose to bed as though she were his five-year-old daughter, he'd told Ruth about the baby. Rose didn't know how he knew, but she figured he'd heard her telling Jack. It made her so angry to listen to him talk as though he had some sort of legal jurisdiction over her. She wasn't stupid; she knew all about the consequences of unprotected sex and realized that what she and Jack had done had been stupid and irresponsible, but being a teen mother to his baby was better than bringing children into a world in which Caledon Hockley was their father.
She cringed has he continued to shout, totally oblivious to the fact that she was listening. "If she thinks she can go around hopping into bed with whoever she pleases and let them knock her up no less, then I can't be married to her. I mean it, Ruth, either she gets an abortion and never sees that Dawson boy again, or I'm out of this."
That threw Rose over the edge. It was more than obvious that Cal was not happy about the pregnancy, but all this time he hadn't said a thing about her getting an abortion. How could he even think something like that? How could he tell her to destroy a life that had nothing to do with him? There was no way in the world that that was going to happen! Unable to listen to it any longer, Rose tip-toed across the room, grabbed a warm jacket from her closet and the bag and the foot of her bed, held her breath and prayed.
Feeling that she'd never been quieter in her life, Rose held her breath within her chest as she unlocked her door. Trying impossibly hard not to make a single sound as she made her way across the hall into the bathroom, she was acutely aware of everything around her. Just a few feet away, Cal continued to rip her apart. When she finally felt the cold sensation of the ceramic tile of the bathroom floor beneath her feet, she heaved a deep sigh of relief. She couldn't lock the door behind her because then nobody would get to use the bathroom, but it was okay. She was safe now.
Once she was out on the fire escape, she pulled the running shoes out of her bag and slipped them on. She had been too afraid to do it inside for fear of squeaking along the floor. From where she stood, it felt as though she could see all of New York City. The Upper East Side was the only place she'd ever lived. As much as she hated it there, it was all she knew and it held all that she had ever done. In a way, it broke her heart to be leaving the apartment she had called home for seventeen years, but she knew that it was just another change she was going to have to a make. There were a lot of changes coming now, in her life and in Jack's; the way they dressed, they way they ate, where they lived, how they made money. Everything.
It occurred to Rose in that moment that she knew almost nothing about Jack, least of all what his job was. Oh, how could she have been so stupid? Had she even been thinking about the repercussions of her actions that night- that she might have to raise a child with a man she barely even knew? The answer, of course, was no. If she had been thinking about anything besides her stupid, infatuated, aroused self, she wouldn't have done it. Oh well. She was going to have to live with it now. As she quietly made her way down the fire escape, she bit down hard onto her bottom lip, willing herself not to cry.
I will not cry, she told herself. I will not.
Finally out in the street, Rose stood on the edge of the side walk and attempted to hail a cab. She waited for a good five minutes, acutely aware of everything going on around her. Just like any other late night in New York City, the street was full of musicians, buskers and drug dealers, all of which were common sights to Rose. For the first time since she was about eleven, however, she was really and truly afraid, not for her life, but for the life growing inside her. The funny, stomach-turning sensation of fear deep within her was yet another reminder of the way that, from now on, she was never going to be the same person she had been only two short weeks ago. Wasn't it funny how your life could change so drastically in the fraction of a second, and that in that fraction of a second you become completely and totally responsible for another creature? And what were the odds that, of all the people whom that didn't happen to in a day, it had happened to her? There were so many families in this world who had been trying and trying to conceive for years, and the miracle just wasn't happening for them. Why couldn't the baby that was growing inside of her be growing inside of one of those women? It wasn't that she wouldn't - no, didn't - love her baby already, it was just that she knew it would be almost impossible for her to do a good job raising the child. Just the fact that she wouldn't even know what to do if one of those creepy drug dealers approached her was proof of that.
When a taxi finally did pull up to the side of the street, Rose got in and said to the driver, "45th and tenth, please."
Without a word, he merely nodded and drove on. Rose knew that this would be a fairly expensive cab ride, but she had one hundred dollars in her pocket, which she had hoped would last her at least a week. The way in which she was going to live now would be a change, and it would be hard to learn how to stretch a dollar, but she was going to have to try.
Inside, the cab smelled faintly of cigarette smoke and the driver was blasting some awful rap station with the base
Rose stared out the window silently throughout the entire ride. For the third time in as many weeks, she was driving along a familiar rode; a rode she had driven down every day of her life, but headed to a strange and unfamiliar place. For the third time in as many weeks, she felt as though there was nothing in the world but her and the streets that were flying by her window. This time it was different though, because there was no going back, no matter what.
When she was very young, Rose had imagined what it would be like the day she left home to go off and start a new life. Would she be getting on a plane? A bus? A train? Never in her wildest dreams had she been getting into a cab headed to the other side of town, but sometimes life surprised you. That's what she had to think of this as, wasn't it? Just another grand adventure. Maybe, if she kept telling herself that, it might really turn out that way.
The cab ride to Jack's apartment felt like the longest trip Rose had ever experienced, and she was itching to get out by the halfway point. She didn't really care that she'd probably be waking him up, mostly because she knew he wouldn't care either. Jack would always be there for her- if she hadn't known it before, she knew it now. There had been a good handful of girls Rose knew, especially living in Manhattan and all, whose boyfriends and gotten them pregnant and then left them. Jack was different though- he was with her for the long haul, no matter what.
After what felt like a month, the cab driver finally pulled up at the corner of 45th and tenth. "Twenty-two ninety-five," he said. Personally, Rose felt like that was a little steep, but she was ready to do just about anything know to get the hell out of that cab.
The night was fiercely cold and the freezing wind cut across Rose's face like a thousand tiny daggers- all the more reason to get to Jack's apartment as soon as possible. If she remembered correctly (and she was hoping she did), his building was about a five-minute walk from where she now stood. She started to walk at a slow pace, but the farther she went, the faster she walked until she was nearly running. The more she thought about it, the harder it was not to cry. Once she was safe inside, she could let it all out, but right now it seemed like that time couldn't come fast enough.
Finally, she reached the familiar building that was Jack's apartment. She walked into the lobby, shivering with cold, got into an elevator and pressed the button for the third floor. Her whole body shook with things she'd never experienced before- tears welling up behind her eyes, the sickening nausea that had been with her constantly for the last three days, and what felt like every emotion in the world swelling inside her chest. Every moment she spent in that elevator, waiting to be with Jack, was like hell.
As the elevator grinded to a halt, Rose prayed that she had remembered the right room. She knocked on the door lightly, then a little louder, to make sure Jack had heard her. A moment later, the door swung open, but it was not Jack who stood in front of her. Instead, it was an Italian man whom Rose had remembered meeting a while back.
"Fa-Fabrizio?" she stammered. Fabrizio looked tired and a bit confused, but not exactly surprised, which seemed odd to Rose.
"Rosa?" he said quietly. Then Rose could hold her tears back no more. Suddenly, her body shook with sobs and she collapsed into the arms of Jack's friend. She didn't even know the man, but he was here now, and he wasn't objecting. She needed to be held, and to be allowed to cry, and to have someone listen to her, and right now Fabrizio was the only one who could provide that. He gently patted her head, saying nothing for a long time. Rose couldn't think, not about anything, not even about the tears running down her face. She seemed to disappear into a world all her own until, after many long minutes, Fabrizio wiped a tear from her face.
"Come, Rosa," he said, smiling. He was such a happy person that it almost made things okay- almost. "Let's go sit down and talk about this, no?"
Rose couldn't do anything but nod and follow the Italian into the living room. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she vaguely wondered where Jack was, but it was blocked by a hazy fog of nothingness. She sat down on the couch next to Fabrizio in silence. From where they were, she could see the open door to the bedroom and had to tear her eyes away.
"Jack 'a told me about you having a baby," he whispered. Still shaking, Rose merely nodded again. Fabrizio rubbed the top of her hand in small circles with her fingers. Rose decided then that he was an extremely nice person- maybe one of the nicest she'd ever met. She could easily see why Jack called him his best friend. "He had to work tonight, so he tell me to stay here and wait for you. He know you come, Rosa. He know you love him."
"I know," she said simply.
"You want to talk?" he asked, clearly trying to make Rose feel comfortable. She wanted to tell him that he didn't have to worry- that she was fine her on the couch for the rest of the night, but she couldn't find the words. She couldn't really find any words.
Sighing, she admitted, "Not really. I... umm... I can... I thought Jack might... I can leave. If you want."
"No, no, no!" Fabrizio exclaimed, rising from the couch. "Jack tell me to make sure you 'a stay here, okay? He works midnights, but he be back at seven thirty. I make you some coffee, okay?"
Well, she thought, at least she knew something about him. She was glad Fabri had made her stay, because she really hadn't wanted to leave and didn't even know where that came from. She was really having issues with words right now. Again, she nodded and, curling up in the corner of the couch, rested her head against the cushion. She was just so tired- so ready to lay down and sleep, but so completely unable to.
Stopping in his tracks halfway to the kitchen, Fabrizio turned around and said, "I almost forgot, bella Rosa. Jack told me to give you this." He handed Rose an envelope that had her name written on it in a messy, slanted scrawl. Despite her mood, she couldn't help but smile. Jack had no way of knowing that she would be back to night or even ever again, and yet he had thought of her. Rose gently opened the envelope, which revealed a scrap of paper that was covered in the same scrawl as the envelope. Tears fell from her eyes all over again as she read it.
Dear Rose,
I imagine that right now you're probably sitting on the couch with Fabri, feeling very much alone. I knew you would come here, see, because by now I've realized that you're the type of person who will do anything to reach her dreams. Remember that time at your school, when I told you that someday that fire that I love about you was going to burn out? Well, I know now that I was wrong. You're so strong, Rose- probably the strongest person I've ever met. You're probably almost crying now- don't cry; STOP CRYING! I mean it.
I'm at work right now but I'll be back before you even know it. I would tell you that you should probably try sleeping but you won't listen to me so I'm not going to. Tell the baby Daddy says hi . I love you, Rose.
Jack
Everything about that just made Rose want to see Jack even more. He was so amazing. She loved the way he'd said to tell the baby Daddy says hi. He didn't see the pregnancy as a problem or a mistake or an inconvenience; he was clearly letting her know that this baby was his child – their child – and that he was going to love him or her no matter what. Feeling sort of silly but knowing she had to do it, Rose put a hand to her still flat stomach, vaguely wondering how long it was going to stay that way.
"Hey, baby," she said, so quietly that her voice was barely audible. It felt really strange to be talking to her stomach. "I... I don't even know if you can hear me... I mean, I don't even know if you have ears or whatever, but umm... I'm your mommy and I love you very much. Your daddy loves you to, baby. Umm... I guess that's all, really." She paused, as though she was waiting for something, but she wasn't really sure what. Obviously the baby wasn't about to kick for four months or something like that, but she thought that maybe, if she sat still enough, she could feel it moving. Logically it made no sense, because it would be so small that it probably couldn't even really move, but you never know.
Although tears still flowed freely down her face, thinking about the baby moving inside her made her realize, at least a little bit, that this could be a very happy time. She and Jack could read to the baby, talk to it... she would watch what she ate and wake Jack up at three in the morning to make her weird foods and all of that stuff. Maybe this wasn't really such a crisis after all. In a newfound, almost hypnotic calm, Rose placed both hands on her stomach. She smiled slightly as Fabrizio came back into the room and handed her a cup of coffee.
Smiling, he asked, "You feel better, Rosa?"
"A little bit," she replied, bringing her knees up to her chest and attempting to take a sip of coffee. Instead of swallowing it, however, she was forced to spit it right back out as she gagged and felt her stomach rise into her chest. Thankfully, the feeling passed in a moment, but she took due note of the fact that coffee was now off her list.
"What time is it, Fabrizio?" she asked, counting the seconds until seven o'clock came. She hadn't even gotten home until well past midnight, so it couldn't be too far off.
Glancing down at his watch, the Italian replied, "2:07 to be exact."
Five hours... Rose felt as though she couldn't wait that long even if her life depended on it. She vaguely wanted to go to sleep so that the time would pass faster, but she didn't want to miss Jack walking through the door. She had to see him as soon as possible, and nothing was going to get in the way of that. She needed to find a way to stay awake, so she started to ask Fabrizio questions about himself and Jack.
"How long have you known Jack?" she asked, realizing that she knew absolutely nothing about his childhood. Had the two men gone to school together? Had they met at work? What school had Jack even gone to before he started travelling?
Presumably smiling because Rose was finally opening up at least a little bit, Fabrizio said, "Jack and I met 'bout two and half 'a years ago when he come here from Europe. I live in New York all my life, but I always want to travel and 'a see the world. Jack, he already done all of that and I think to myself, this is an interesting guy, me and him will go out and see the world together, no?"
He didn't have to tell her that, evidently, it had never happened. Just like everybody else, money became a problem and they were stuck here just like everybody else. Never in these last two weeks had Rose imagined Jack to have been the type who was stuck in this stupid rut. That night at the party when he'd bravely told her mother that he loved his 'rootless existence' and that all he was trying to do was make it count, she'd pictured him as a worldly backpacker who could get up and leave tomorrow. Now she felt bad for weighing him down- he had a job, he could save up some money for him and Fabri to travel. She was going to ruin that.
"I'm sorry, Fabrizio," she whispered, her shaky tone full of unspoken words. She had to draw her eyes away from his face, hoping to God that he didn't blame her. She was surprised, then, to feel his hand on her cheek, as though to tell her that she hadn't done anything wrong and that this was the way he and Jack wanted it.
"It's okay, Rosa," he said, causing her to look back up into his eyes. Amazingly, he was smiling. "Now Jack is 'a going on the biggest adventure of his life, me, I get to watch a whole world develop without 'a ever leaving my house. It's like the best movie in the world, no? Like I say, amore is'a not logical, eh, Rosa?"
It was sort of ironic that, less than an hour, Rose had been so scared of leaving the home she'd hated all her life, just because it would be different. All her life, everything had been the same, and as boring as it was, it was comfortable and it was safe. But life was about more than that, wasn't it? Life was about being with people who cared about you, in a place where you were happy, giving it all you've got and trying to make each day count. As different as this new existence was going to be, it was far less frightening than her old life had been, and Rose felt like it was the place she was really meant to be. From here on in, her life was going toe the adventure she'd always prayed for.
Sometimes during the hours that she and Fabrizio talked about everything under the sun, Rose fell asleep. She had been fighting it and fighting it, but eventually she couldn't keep her eyes open any longer. She rested fitfully for a bit, and when she opened her eyes again it took her a moment to realize where she was. It was still dark out, but not like it had been when she'd arrived. That meant Jack would be home soon!
In the kitchen, Fabrizio was singing some lively Italian tune, and the scent that wafted into the living room told her that he was also cooking. Unfortunately, mornings and food did not mix well for Rose right now. She groaned quietly and sprawled out on the couch, willing her queasy stomach to calm down, just for the morning. It last a little while, but as soon as her nose told her that Fabri had put a pot of coffee on, she was forced to dash to the bathroom.
She hadn't really been given a tour and hadn't yet seen the bathroom, but there was a closed door next to the bathroom which was the best option she had. Thankfully, she'd been correct. Rose hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon, so she was almost bemused by the fact that her stomach still managed to find something to shove up her throat. If she had to wake up like this every morning until the baby came, this was going to be a long nine months.
The cold of the porcelain toilet bowl was an oddly nice sensation underneath her clammy hands, but it didn't make her feel any better in the grand scheme of things. Again there was no one to hold her hair back, but she couldn't do it herself because her body was shaking so hard that she would have fallen over without supporting herself. That led to some excess bile ending up on the ends of her hair, which was altogether disgusting. When she was finally finished, she moved over to the sink, splashed her face with cold water and tried to get the sticky vomit out of her tangled red curls.
Analyzing her reflection in the mirror, she had to admit that the face staring back at her wasn't exactly the most wide awake one in the world. Her hair and makeup was still done from the night before, but her updo was halfway undone and her purple eye shadow framed her eyes like two dark bruises. She would fix it sometime this morning, but she really wasn't up to it right now.
Back in the kitchen, Fabrizio was finished cooking, which meant the smells weren't quite as overwhelming. He was still singing, though, and smiled brightly at the sight of Rose as though he'd had a perfect night's sleep.
"Ah, bella Rosa!" he exclaimed. "It's a beautiful morning, no?" Rose couldn't help but smile at his childlike happiness.
"I guess it is. Jack should be home soon, right?" she asked, noting that the clock in front of her said it was ten after seven.
"Any time," Fabrizio agreed.
As though her words had summoned him from a far-off world, there was a knock at the door. Rose jumped up to get it, unable to contain her excitement. Although she had no idea why, just the sight of Jack made all of last night's tears come flooding back, but she smiled to let him know she was okay despite her tear-stained face. Jack looked as gorgeous as ever, smiling happily, his bright blue eyes twinkling.
"Good morning, Jack!" Rose exclaimed happily, pulling him into a hug. He squeezed her back and then let go, the smile replaced with a look of concern.
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" he asked, brushing a tear from her cheek.
Rose couldn't help but laugh, surprised that her hormones were taking over already. "It's nothing," she explained. "I'm just so happy to see you."
"Well, I'm glad to hear it," Jack said, working his way around Rose and into the apartment. He kept his left arm behind his back and out of Rose's view the whole time. "I'm sorry I'm late, guys. I just had to pick something up. These are for you."
He then revealed what he'd been hiding behind his back- the most colourful display of flowers Rose had seen in her life- yellow and orange Gerber daisies, white and pink lilies, sprays of blue and purple wildflowers, and, nestled in the very middle of them all, a single red rose. Jack had to be the most amazing man in the entire world- it was absolutely impossible for anyone to love a person the way he loved her, and it made her wish she could be more like him.
For a moment, she was speechless. If they had been from anyone else, flowers wouldn't even be a big deal- any guy could go and out and get flowers for his wife on their anniversary or a corsage for his prom date, but there was something about them coming from Jack that made it different. Everything he did was so full of love- you could see it in his eyes.
"Oh, Jack..." she said. "Thank you!" She threw her arms around him and felt herself begin to cry all over again. In his arms, she felt like it was okay to be vulnerable and small and afraid, because he would protect her from everything and make it okay.
"I love you, Rose," he whispered, running his hands through her tangled mass of curls. She felt safe with him- so safe and so loved that it was as though she hadn't just left the prison that had been her home, where her vengeful mother and psychopathic fiancé were probably plotting a way to get her back in their grasp right that very second. It was as though it was okay that she was seventeen and pregnant with no way of making money- none of that mattered, because she was here with Jack now, and Jack loved her. "No matter what."
"I love you, too."
With that, she kissed Jack softly and playfully, then again and again. They almost forgot that there was a world around them, but Fabrizio's perpetual happiness quickly brought them back down to earth.
"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore!" he sang, his joyful tone almost making up for the fact that he was unbearably off key. "When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine that's amore!"
As soon as Rose and Jack turned around to look at him, the Italian man laid out a plate of toast on the table and whistled as though he hadn't seen anything and had just been singing a song, but no one could pretend like they'd missed his would-be Freudian slip. The pair just laughed, slipping their hands into each other's and grinning as though they had some sort of deep, dark secret between just the two of them.
"C'mon, let's all sit down and eat," Jack said. "We've got some stuff to talk about."
Personally, Rose couldn't think of anything she wanted to do less.